empty head filled with
empty thoughts filled with
empty words filled with
empty sentiments.
I opened my stomach for you
but your promise ran out like blood.
if you extend your arms like that
an embrace for the sun
her treasures her grace
I will no longer believe that you believe
that I can love every piece
of this jagged maze of your heart.
Nov 18, 2022
Nov 18, 2022 at 11:11 PM UTC
Are you happy
I wish and I crave, I am only temporary
They say happiness is a season, is a band aid, is a
Small breeze not a winter's storm
I tell you it matters I feel that it does
But I don't even know what I want between us
I swear I'm not lying
I swear I want you
But.
There is always a but but never what follows
I come up short
There is empty where there should be reason,
Where there should be definitive knowledge
Wisps and smoke and empty thoughts that don't hold
Are you telling me to leave or are you telling me to settle
If I am a tree, if I settle my roots and crack through stone and I
Raise my arms up to the trembling sky
Am I crushing a mountain to hold myself aloft?
Do I deserve such opposition, such work to make us?
Is it right that you are stone, you are mountain and crushed beneath my razored toes?
If I tremble to the mighty mountain as I delve into its depths
Who is the giant and who is the ant
I ask you to change and morph
I ask you to be the dreams of a paper-bound girl
But my voice is a hum of electricity and crackles
And when I watch you and hiss
The only sound is that of your laugh, eyes trained on someone else
I ask and I ask inside and only that side
The out is too far for my thoughts to reach
Perhaps if you were rich soil and I a small sprout
You could grow richer and I taller
And no one is cracked and broken into pieces
No one is gnarled and no one is fading
We nourish each other and create a forest
And I never wish to crush you beneath my aching, exhausted toes.
Jan 8, 2022
Jan 8, 2022 at 12:18 AM UTC
I am always full and empty
This conundrum never solves itself
I think I feel but I'm never right
I'm half-right and half-not and half-unsure why I think so much
I tell you the truth but I don't believe it
But if I told you a lie then I'd be lying
I swore it to you, big and bold and dripped in red
But when you said it first I felt I couldn't not echo
What is truth if I don't offer it first
Am I a liar? Or just unsure
You swore it was real I remember that well
But when I look back I'm unsure if you wanted me or the idea.
If I swear to be better how is it better
Am I right or not, am I real or a fantasy of myself that I create
I morph her and wish for her and pretend that
Maybe someday she'll turn into me, I into her, and when we
Become one I will tell no lies, no half-lies or otherwise that
Mean I am wrong.
Jan 8, 2022
Jan 8, 2022 at 12:07 AM UTC
Open your eyes
Sit up.
Can you feel the difference between your skin and the ***** floor below?
Maybe if you had fingers, I could tell you which is which-
I don't think you'd know the difference.
If you tell me you want to leave
I just might have to scream.
I've been stealing and stealing here
For us
For you
For me
Stealing and taking and collecting for us to see, for us to
Have and eat and drink and drink in until we're too full
Until we weep
I've begged you over and over to be happy
Why can't you stay happy?
Maybe if I told you more lies,
Maybe then you'd understand.
Maybe then I wouldn't have to steal in order to stay beautiful, stay empty and cold and
Just How You Like It
Maybe if you told me your name, I could finally believe that you love me.
Jan 8, 2022
Jan 8, 2022 at 12:01 AM UTC
Exhausted
Always
I do this to myself over and over
Maybe one day I'll have a brain
Maybe one day I will stop existing as myself.
Maybe one day I can tell her the truth, that this is who I am,
No, the truth is that this is who I am stuck as
She looks like me, and I want to be her, but she is better
She is always better
She tries, she cares, she remembers.
When she wishes, when she wants, she does it.
She never aches, she never stabs herself from the inside out
Because she says something
She speaks, she moves her mouth and says something
And it is always right
And it never hurts anyone
Her words are soft, and she never hurts anyone.
She never wishes her chest would hollow out
Then wishes it would fill when it hollows.
She never wishes that she never had to do anything
Then wish that she had something to solve, something to dream and wish and care about.
I was her for a little while, but I lost her along the way
I had just found her, and I lost her
Or maybe that's a lie
I had gotten so close I could almost touch her hand
I almost caught her, after such a long chase
But was it a chase?
Or did I just watch her from afar.
I don't know anymore.
I just wish I was her, so one day,
When I cease to exist
All that I will feel will be good, all that I want, I will try for.
She is only a dream
That is the hardest part to accept
She is only a dream, and when I tell you what I hate about you
She looks on and shows me what I could be
What I could accomplish
If only I cared like they said I should.
If only I cared.
Oct 4, 2021
Oct 4, 2021 at 1:37 AM UTC
Anger always makes me feel so empty, like
I'm pushing and pouring my insides out
into the air around me, hot
and sticky and humid and
the world shakes and groans at the sudden
change in atmospheric pressure.
When I'm all done, when the air
and my head are hot and my face
is wet and my ears ring,
I am empty. My face is stiff. My nose is running.
And nothing is better.
Oct 4, 2021
Oct 4, 2021 at 1:26 AM UTC
Maybe one day I can tell you how I feel
Maybe one day I can tell you the truth
Maybe one day I can stand up, stare you in the eyes, and tell you how much I hate your shadow
He slurs, he stumbles, he doesn't know his own strength
Maybe I can tell you how he makes me sick, makes me sob, makes me so angry I start to shake and the lump grows and grows in my throat until I scream and tear myself apart on the inside, always the inside
Maybe one day I can tell you about him, your shadow
And then maybe one day you will remember how I hate him so and have it make a difference
I don't care how sorry you are
I do, okay, although I wish not to
But it doesn't matter, does it? It doesn't matter how much you love me, love us, it doesn't matter how much you're grateful for how we put up with him, it doesn't matter if you've tried before
I'm so tired
I'm so tired of being here
Maybe one day,
Maybe I can tell you how much of me wanting to go is his fault, your awful shadow
Maybe if you knew how much I wanted to hate you, how much I wanted to make you hurt, you'd see
But I can't
I can't
I can't stay mad
I can't hurt you
I can't hurt you or your shadow.
Maybe one day I can say the truth, and maybe one day you'll listen.
Oct 4, 2021
Oct 4, 2021 at 1:26 AM UTC
I miss you when it’s late at night and I’m tired or sleepy, and I want someone to cuddle, i want your arms wrapped around me and to crawl into bed and have your scent wrap around me and feel your warmth. I want to hug you to my chest and ask you to stay, don’t go. Stay.
I miss you whenever I see love and adoration. I miss you when I see their PDA or their laughter and I think of your smile and how even if I cause it, I can’t see it, because you’re there and I’m here. I see them smiling and laughing and holding each other and I’m sad, I’m jealous and sad and I wish you were here.
I wish that was us.
I miss you when I’m frustrated. When I’m angry and lost and near tears, when I hug my stuffed animal to my chest and wish it was you and that i could bury my face in your chest or neck and exist on a plane that is only us. Exist on a plane where when I open my arms you come, when you hold out your hand I can grab it.
I miss you when its raining, and I wish that we could watch it together. Cozy up and watch a movie, listen to the sky weep.
I miss you when I’m relaxing, when I’m sitting in my loud as hell chair and watching a show, and I want to tell you everything, complain about the protagonist and her obliviousness, rant about the misogynistic boss. I want to tell you my little thrills, lean over your shoulder and peek at your game or video, poke you with my cold toes, fall asleep on the couch to the sound of your little outrages and victories.
I miss you when I stare out at the night sky, and imagine a future where I can turn over in bed and see you there, asleep, and know that when I wake up, you won’t be gone, and this isn’t a dream.
I miss you when it’s cold outside, when I can see my breath, and I’m shivering, and you’re not here to tell me I should’ve dressed warmer, you're not here to pull the hat off your head and put it on mine, not here so I can protest and try to give it back, chase you down the sidewalk.
I miss you when I see a funny animal or a cool building or a small flower, and I have no one to turn to and say, look!, no one to share my small thrill. Maybe someday I can tell someone, I can tell a friend, but for now, I tell myself, and smile to only myself.
It hurts when you’re happy without me, it hurts when they get to see you and I don’t.
It would hurt so much more if you were struggling, if you were lonely like I.
I know you miss me. I know inside and I see outside that you miss me. My own insecurities only tell me lies, and sometimes they can be mean, and I have to stop and think how hurt I would feel if you thought that kind of thought of me. That is the evil of insecurities.
When I miss you, sometimes it’s fleeting. Sometimes I wish you were here, acknowledge you’re not, and continue my day. Sometimes I tell you I miss you. You always say it back. Sometimes I think and think on what could have been if I was closer to home, and I have some regrets, I do.
But I don’t think I want to be anywhere but here, if I had to choose.
They say long distance is hard. I think it is, and it isn’t.
It’s hard if you stop communicating, if you stop sharing little things.
It’s hard if you stop thinking of each other, exist only in your visible reality.
These are things neither of us do.
But it’s hard when I miss you, when I’m ***** when I long to touch you or listen to you laugh.
It’s hard when I feel the word clingy, when I want to be wanted, when I wish you would miss me and miss me, so that we feel the same. But I don’t want you to hurt, because when you hurt it hurts me. Is that selfish self interest? Perhaps. But it hurts to see or hear you hurt. It hurts to know you’re hurting, and I want to fix it, I want to solve. But I am here, and you are there, and it is your hurt to bear. I can’t take it away or presume to know how to fix it, if it can even be ‘fixed’.
I miss you. That’s really what I came here to say. I miss you.
I hope you miss me too.
Oct 4, 2021
Oct 4, 2021 at 1:21 AM UTC
If I close my eyes
You exist.
I see you in the darkness,
Bursts of light and music and colors,
Oh wondrous reds and greens and yellows, stardust and fireworks raining on my face and outstretched arms.
Coat me, cling to me.
Love me from the outside in, until nothing exists for me but you, bright and soft and warm and gentle and-
Behind my closed eyelids.
May 1, 2021
May 1, 2021 at 8:56 PM UTC
You told me you loved me but I broke anyway
You told me you loved me but the middle fell out and I splintered on the rocks below
You told me you loved me but it's so hard to believe when you say nothing and I have nothing to trust but the voices in my head telling me that you're disappointed, that I annoy you, that you miss her, that I am not what you want.
How do I trust you when I am always ******** up. How do I trust you when I always push you away, or you push yourself off the cliff and don't look back as you fall fall, fall down and leave me behind, alone and cold and empty as always. Empty but full of empty thoughts, empty drawers of you and you and more and you, empty as you fall
How do I trust you when I can't trust myself to make you love me?
How do I trust you when I can't tell if you love me or my warmth, my voice or the comfort my words used to bring, my laugh or its validation, my body or the space it takes up next to you. Sometimes when the sky falls and your eyes turn from brown to black and I wish I could see your face and hear your rhythmic breathing, I miss your body and your scent and your voice, and I remember that you don't miss me.
Oct 29, 2020
Oct 29, 2020 at 4:08 PM UTC