#selftalk
I keep my eyes on my shoes—
their scuffed, bright-dull leather—
as if the ground beneath them
were already forgetting my weight.
Get a grip, I tell myself,
A thumb worries the frayed edge of my sleeve
into a neat-messy spiral.
Every thread I hide
feels like another thread lost.
Fix it properly, I mutter inside.
The spoon circles my cold-warm tea,
each clink loud in the dim kitchen.
I watch the liquid still itself
as if it were learning
the art of disappearance too.
Just drink it, I scold.
Another thin layer
seems to peel from my shadow.
By nightfall, I can feel it:
the faintest hollowing,
the sense I’m fading around the borders—
like steam losing shape
as it lifts from a cup.
I stand in the doorway,
the room soft-blurred around me,
and wonder how many scolds
a person can survive
before they slip clean out of themselves.
And for the first time,
I think: careful—
keep this up,
and you’ll vanish
from your own life
before anyone notices.
Nov 12, 2025
Nov 12, 2025 at 9:52 PM UTC
I refuse to listen to the self-harming negative talk in my mind.
I keep refocusing my attention on how I want to talk to myself instead.
Jun 8, 2025
Jun 8, 2025 at 7:42 AM UTC
Mind, stop trying to solve this old problem in endless cycles,
This door is closed, don't you see?
All these doors are closed,
But you still hope that by knocking hard or long enough,
One of them might open.
This dark and empty corridor has been where you
Spend your time day in and out, but why?
Aren't you tired of all the disappointment and frustration?
This self-abandonment keeps you looking for answers,
YOU WISH TO BE FOUND! I KNOW!
Desperately and to be honest, stubbornly, you keep your nose pointed into this one direction.
As though this corridor never had an entrance and all the ways out were through these doors,
BUT THEY DON'T WANT US!
Mind, this exhaustion brought us nowhere,
Wallowing in suffering consciously and subconsciously,
LET IT GO!
The problem is the truth you keep believing,
Your TRUTH keeps us trapped in here,
But I am tired.
Summer is coming,
This search has not helped us all these years.
Please, PLEASE, STOP!
Mind, this feeling of dullness
And this stinging emptiness,
This is not how I want to spend my life.
I am 30, let me live and experience all that is out there for me.
I WANT TO EXPLORE!
New ways of thinking.
You don't seem to notice but there is
One door missing at the main entrance
Of this long corridor,
Where we have been lost for ages!
Remember, mind, we have once come so close,
There was light, new perspectives arised,
There was happiness, gratitude, freedom!
There still is!
We need the courage to believe in it again,
LEAVE IT ALL BEHIND!
Mind, you are constantly searching for what you FEAR,
And what you fear you always find!
Then you implode, make my body go through painful waves of emotions,
Distortions, this is a self-harming behavior,
Don't you know?
Dear mind, all these thoughts you keep sending me,
Make me be ashamed of my body,
You have created a self-image for us,
Which makes enjoying life so difficult!
BUT I WON'T GIVE UP!
Mind, your creativity is astounding,
Honestly,
So is your ability to analyse and identify,
How within seconds you compare my body to others',
Point out its weaknesses,
Make it the reason to not feel enough,
Find prove for not being love worthy...
DON'T YOU SEE, MIND!
You keep your loved ones at bay,
Constant chatter of overthinking is your veil,
Looking for a sign that everyone else
Judges us in the same way that you do,
We never move beyond these walls,
Never NOT believing into the terrible curse,
This story, Mind, you keep repeating to yourself.
Now I realize that indeed we have been trapped,
We have buried and abandoned ourselves for good.
You, Mind, because you believe in this madness.
And me - who is this anyway? I am still longing
For this freedom. I have not given up.
And I WON'T!
I have made myself your slave.
Why? Because I used to rely upon you
Day and night. You have saved my life.
By building our own protective bunker,
You helped us survive!
Though THOSE DANGERS ARE OVER!
Can you hear me?
The purpose of this bunker is gone.
I am 30 now and I wanna live.
Yes, I want to let my loved ones touch my heart.
Yes, I want to experience hurt if I have to.
Yes, I want to believe in the GOOD
And not in what I've been told in childhood.
Mind, herewith I am cancelling my agreement with you,
I cannot trust your solutions without questioning them,
Lately, I realized that I have been denying my heart,
By keeping company with you for too long.
If you still want to stay in this bunker,
Knocking on sealed old doors,
Where really no one and nothing is waiting for us -
Then do it. I won't fight against it.
But I'll stop believing your stories and arguing with you.
It may take time to unbury myself and get back to light,
But I promise, I will look at myself as a young sprout,
Because I owe it to myself.
Dear mind, consider my invitation to leave the bunker
And your old beliefs behind,
To restart as a beginner's mind.
I know my heart will receive us with love and compassion
In its beautiful and peaceful chambers of light.
May 2, 2025
May 2, 2025 at 5:43 AM UTC
Don't give those thoughts any attention
But if I won't, they will turn into action!
I am done, my patterns drain me out.
I will let everything happen just the way it does.
Just the way it wants, it needs,
It's happening. Here, now.
Turning on and off myself
Daily
Losing hope, gaining hope,
Dreams illusions
On repeat.
Self-blame and shame.
And pain.
I am here now,
How dare I not be grateful for everything I have?
I go too fast, my body says.
I am alone.
But I am truly grateful to my bone.
I am forever free.
Indeed I always have been.
Now,
Here,
This connection is everything
I ever wanted.
My relaxation
Because of the beginning cold,
And the connection with my body
That it brought ❤️
My dancing is the same as healing.
I am grateful for persevering.
:)
Jan 4, 2025
Jan 4, 2025 at 2:54 PM UTC
Internalizing anxiety can **** you, my dear
That's what they said
Over and over again
So much so the impact left a ripple
An echo throughout my entire headspace
So I'll have to throw it up
Reach between my ribs and take it out
There's a knot there
Or a stone, a tumor
Some tension I can't quite name
I can't tell where it came from
But I can
See, It's the feeling of fear
Fear of disappointing myself of others
So I work and I work and I work
But not well, no
I work from fear
I keep tension and it keeps me
I may have to disassemble myself to release it
But It's so painstaking
Like writing a message to
A colleague, a classmate, a friend, a lover
Does this sound brash, or cold, or needy, or...?
How can I speak to myself without creating further damage?
Note(s) to self:
Let it go, because once you do you will feel lighter.
Don't be afraid to enjoy life, don't take your demons too seriously.
Waiting for someone else to save you is
only wasting your potential,
And calm seas rarely make good sailors, anyway.
It's not your fault.
Just because you're imperfect doesn't mean you don't
Deserve to exist, or be loved.
People will misunderstand you and your intentions
Make peace with the fact that
It's inevitable, unless both of you are willing to change that later.
Flow like water, don't sink like the stones you carry.
Give yourself a chance.
Work on it.
Nov 6, 2024
Nov 6, 2024 at 3:13 PM UTC
Don’t worry yourself, purrs Negative Voice
I'm telling you this to protect you
No lead in your pencil
So pointless in fact
No person of worth would respect you
Dear Negative Voice,
I see what you mean
But just a brief point for reflection
I’m not sure I’m really an absolute waste
Consider some minor correction?
It’s better for you, coos Negative Voice
To know that you’re practically useless
No rain in your storm cloud
So juiceless in fact
You’re toothless, inept, and excuseless
Dear Negative Voice,
A stirring reply
Is this in totality truthful?
I’m sure my ineptitude has measured bounds
And even just sometimes, I’m useful
The beauty of living this version of truth
Is, you are at maximum harm
Nothing they’re possibly saying to you
Will add to your sense of alarm
Providing agreement to monster-y ones
Might also afford added aid
Appeasing and easing an excessive ego
May downgrade a wailing cascade
Dear Negative Voice,
Deep thanks for your thoughts
A note of some gentle resistance
I notice I’m having the thought that I’m worthless
Historically helpful, but now with no purpose
Distinct in my voice, yours holds limited purchase
So now I can give you some distance
I humbly suggest
This grateful request
For inner, more peaceful existence
Oct 15, 2024
Oct 15, 2024 at 5:58 AM UTC
Sometimes
you think the only reason
you're still alive
is
because you forget.
Every night you forget
the pain
of the day.
Wake up
and
everything starts
again.
again.
and again.
Either you forget about it completely or allow yourself
not
to wake up again
Aug 11, 2024
Aug 11, 2024 at 5:28 PM UTC
lately i've been scared
worried the darkness will last
but i hope i'm wrong
i feel powerless
so backed into a corner
but i hope i'm wrong
i feel judging eyes
like i'm not just projecting
but i hope i'm wrong
i think i see it
they wince when my mouth opens
but i hope i'm wrong
i feel unwanted
it's unlucky to know me
but i hope i'm wrong
unhelpful and shamed
no one is glad i'm here, right?
i just hope i'm wrong
only by working—
my body, my only strength
my hands hold children
but my mind is too broken
prove to me i'm wrong
Inefficient love
Subpar communication
Almost good enough
Almost worth listening to
If you say nothing
You confirm it with silence
But if you argue
Please bring some more evidence
I'm trying to hope
That this self-talk's distorted
I'm sorry my pain
Is underreported
If nobody cared
Then surely I'd be alone
And not surrounded
By those who want to love me—
But I don't know how
To feel the love that they show.
I shrink back, I hide,
Because it hurts me sometimes.
These are all my thoughts
They feel so true in my mind.
But I really hope I'm wrong.
Jul 14, 2024
Jul 14, 2024 at 5:49 PM UTC
If I can say
the things I feel, the wind
would die out
If I can explain how hard I cry
my eyes would tell you
I am only surviving just for today
I submerge myself in my own sadness
believing I won't drown
My heart sinks
while my mind runs like blizzards
in a storm
Being so scared the past will drag me
I am only one person
who knows how it feels
when I am only punishing myself for it
The heart I am made with
can only handle so much of this
Jun 3, 2022
Jun 3, 2022 at 4:10 AM UTC
I am full of opportunity
Bubbling from my purpose
Which guides my every day
Keeps me virtuous
In touch with my happiness
and the joy I find
In living my own way
Aug 7, 2021
Aug 7, 2021 at 10:47 AM UTC
I've been gone,
Focusing on my goals,
Savoring every minute,
In the present,
Being whole,
Disconnecting from distractions,
Discovering new attractions,
That move me to the next level,
That make me feel confident,
I am stronger than the devil,
Or anyone who cares to defy me,
For I am the light,
That burns so bright,
To educate and revive thee,
From the pain,
Of the mundane,
Lack of wonder,
Abysmal plane,
That is life,
Without dreams,
Art,
Inspiration,
Plight,
Accommodation.
Apr 15, 2021
Apr 15, 2021 at 3:43 AM UTC
I drink too much but it gives me the pleasure of intoxication,
One too many ramifications,
I smoke too much to stun my heart of its beat,
All to avoid the acceptance of defeat.
Problems are associated with you
It's hard to get through
Talking to myself, judging myself and hating myself
So alone without anyone's words of comfort, but oneself
I feel like I want to hurt those who have hurt me.
One too many reasons not to accept their plea
Smoke and mirrors everywhere
One too many reasons not to stay here.
Sep 12, 2020
Sep 12, 2020 at 6:36 AM UTC
You don’t need to self destruct to get attention
You don’t need to
Hurt yourself
Cut yourself
Starve yourself
Endanger yourself
Sabotage yourself
To get attention
You deserve attention
You’re worth noticing
You’re worth caring for
You are worth them sticking around
Jul 7, 2020
Jul 7, 2020 at 2:15 AM UTC
Beloved
Will you listen me,
if I speak to you in silence about silence ?
Will you talk to me in silence
when words no longer wake in my mind ?
Will you hear the silence of your heart
which speaks about me to you
or the silence of my heart which sings
the rapsody of our togetherness ?
Will you be the silence I seek in my silence ?
Or Will you be the silence, which silence me silently ?
I chose to sing about me in silence,
for in silence I dont feel any barrier.
But when I chose to read you in silence,
the silence you did offer was not heart warming.
I sit with unquiet mountains
to realize my fondness towards it.
I run with rivers to sense my spirit running before me.
I play with wind to hear the lyrics of my heart.
I lean on trees to listen its stories.
The pleasure I seek in silence
and the agony, you sprayed to
embrace the silence aren't the same.
I then pray with the moon to silent those silences
that wakes in my mind to silence me.
Beloved will you believe me,
if I say, not all silences are same ?
Some silence could break silence
Some silence could heal silence.
And some silence can build silence.
Certainly,
will you buy my words if I say,
not all silence can heal and
not all silence can hurt ?
Also, will you let me to listen
your silence, this time
to handle your heart ?
Will you, my love ?
May 28, 2020
May 28, 2020 at 2:13 AM UTC
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You
Are
Fine
Jan 6, 2020
Jan 6, 2020 at 3:22 AM UTC
I keep hearing the question,
“would you speak to a friend like that?”
No, I would not.
But
friend? What friend? Were we supposed
to be friends? I would never befriend
someone like this. Who suffocates me.
Who’s so toxic I’ve caught ***** in my
throat, eroding my will to breathe. Who
wields a heavy fist and punishes with
violence. Who lights silences with flames.
No, you are not my friend.
-
by Aleksander Mielnikow | Alek the Poet
Dec 27, 2019
Dec 27, 2019 at 2:21 PM UTC
It is a fact
That it takes
About 80 milliseconds
For the brain to
Generate consciousness,
To take all the
Information flowing in and
Construct a model of reality
From moment to moment.
An 80-millisecond-old afterglow.
It is a fact,
That major league hitters
Cannot biologically
Keep their eyes on the ball.
That actually
Human eyes can't
Track at a ball whose
Angular position is
Changing so rapidly
And actually
You could close your
Eyes once it was
Halfway in the air
And you'd still
Catch it with the bat.
In fact,
Your brain is
Doing this right now.
As I speak,
It is taking a fraction of a moment
for my voice to reach your ear drums.
But your brain
It compensates for this by
Making you believe
That you are in this moment
For
This moment
So here is a poem
For those who
Can't help but
Live in the past:
It’s called “Climb”
__
They say
The most fertile land
Forms from tectonic shifts
So great
The earth erupts into chaos
To settle into mounds
Mountains
So majestic
That they were once
Mistaken for gods.
This
Is for the ones
Who are settling.
For the lamp light.
The nightstand
Of mistaken majesties
And snow-capped summits
For the time capsules
Of recipes and
One line poems
That I once forgot.
For the promise of prosperity
That we all had and have
But none of us got.
For the thought
That breath
Is only there
To say goodbye.
The last time
I hoped to die
I pried the crosses
From my trinity heart
Buried them one by one
In my holy stomach
Until even God
Didn’t have enough
Grace to to pull me back.
Until even God
Didn’t have enough
Grace to make me
Anything but a soldier
In a war with
Myself that I’m
Tired of fighting.
Fighting for moments
When the barrel of a gun
Tastes like revolution.
When poetry
is no longer a verb
I can believe in.
When freedom
Is one man
On one stage
With one voice
And enough courage
To be something
When freedom
Is one crowd
In one room
With one voice
And enough courage
To be something
So for the moments
When gravity,
Is everything
Tearing you down:
You,
Are a temple
Where the only God is
You,
Are a map,
To time capsules
Of recipes and
One line poems
You,
Remember gravity made the stars.
Forged them
Bright and burning,
Like a phoenix
From the stardust
Of planets and galaxies
That we once forgot
From the promise of prosperity
That we all had and have
But none of us got.
So gather the ashes
And shake the dust
Like every breath
Is only there
To say goodbye
Like love
Is the moment
You caught your
Mother’s eye
Like hoping to die
Is just another mountain to climb
Another God to find
In the sacred temple
Of your trinity heart
So if you’re ever
Falling apart
Remember bars
Do not make a cage
And wings
Will never set you free
‘Cause
You can spend
Your whole **** life
Wearing a life vest
In the desert
But the bottom of the sky
Is the top of the sea
And sometimes sinking
Pressures chaos
Into courage
Breaks the
Bedrock into beauty
And we can
Erupt again
Apr 21, 2019
Apr 21, 2019 at 6:31 PM UTC
Rest your head
Today you did your part
Wake on the morrow
Another day to start
When you get down
Tell yourself this:
Today is the struggle
Tomorrow is bliss
Mar 21, 2019
Mar 21, 2019 at 10:11 PM UTC
tears becoming romantic with
last night's eyeliner - black streaks
trickling down olive-skinned faces.
repeated self-talks. imperfect bodies.
heart's been broken for years, and yet the
bags under my eyes don't have enough
capacity to be able to carry the shattered
remains.
Mar 9, 2019
Mar 9, 2019 at 11:37 PM UTC
She sat beside herself and asked,
“Do you know where this feeling’s from?”
Her self stared back at her, unmasked,
And wondered who she had become.
Who but herself could ever know,
These things she thought that she once knew?
“I barely know you now, and so,
When was the last time you were you?”
The two of them, just her and her,
Each tried her best to understand.
Her self said, “Why are you so sure
You’re not exactly who you planned?”
“I wanted to be you instead,
Before you filled me with regret.”
Her wounded self smiled back and said,
“Perhaps you haven’t been you yet.”
Feb 3, 2019
Feb 3, 2019 at 3:42 PM UTC
My feelings leak
Through this hand, through this pen
My feelings crave
For reprieve, for an end
To echoed voices
And venomous critics
But maybe
Not
Today
Jan 20, 2019
Jan 20, 2019 at 6:05 PM UTC
I want to change me
Too bad I'm a piece of sh*t
My brain tells me this
Jan 7, 2019
Jan 7, 2019 at 4:03 PM UTC