#self-hatred
I don't fit.
If only it were that easy. If only I could go to a different store and find a better size. If only I could unzip this skin and find a better fit.
My body feels foreign as I move and stretch, watching my reflection in the mirror. This cannot be me. It can't be.
Because I do not have ******* today. I do not have a large, curvaceous body.
No. Today, I should have a flat chest. I should have muscular arms and stubble on my chin.
But I don't.
Instead I see who I once was. Who I was yesterday is not who I am today is not who I will be tomorrow. I want my current body.
I want the body that fits.
Jan 22, 2017
Jan 22, 2017 at 12:38 PM UTC
Tell me, my choice was not,
and never will be,
to hurt you.
I only hurt me.
You,
hold my hand.
Me,
gone with the wind, up the cliff, climbing that tree.
Help me.
I die , moonlight burns my bones.
Into ashes.
My soul sprinkled all over my bed sheets, i don't feel like getting up.
Oh, Sir, you have died.
A lot you gave me, do you see?
I am not what you left behind, I am nothing but a mere illusion of what I'm told to be.
I have to ask, will you be scared
of the monster,
life has turned me into?
By life, I mean,
people .
Will you all run away from the beast?
Will you stay until i eat what keeps you alive, and then leave?
Run.
Dec 6, 2016
Dec 6, 2016 at 10:20 AM UTC
Throwing daggers at the mirror
Hoping one might motivate me
Disgusted, hoping to be just a little more...
Just a little more...
Maybe then...
If I just...
I. Can't.
Nothing is going to satisfy self hatred
It takes and takes and is always wanting more
Funny thing that after a while we are left feeling like nothing
Not enough
Never enough
We believe it too
Eyes glued to our idea of what's "wrong" with ourselves
But what's really wrong is our eyes
Blinded by the lies of society
Oct 12, 2016
Oct 12, 2016 at 2:03 AM UTC
******* up her brain
******* up her soul
******* up everything she had ever owned
Locked up her only savior in a cell,
She’s hopeless now, there was no one else
She’s stifled in a cimmerian shell
with a nebulous heart conquered by thrashing bells
Erratic self-deleterious thoughts
A throat filled with uproar and frantic knots
This is what she has become, this is what you’ve made her
She didn’t know if you were the devil, or just the monster within her.
Jul 29, 2016
Jul 29, 2016 at 2:43 PM UTC
Waiting my turn in
----------------------------- line
for the golden star
from Self-Gratification.
Now to find the shortest aisle.
Jul 15, 2016
Jul 15, 2016 at 1:29 AM UTC
I always thought it was everyone else
Who hated me
But its me...
Im the only one who hates me
Jun 12, 2016
Jun 12, 2016 at 10:07 PM UTC
Those dreams of tomorrow are gone
The future was but a mistaken shadow
The fire burns ashes into this oken wall
It is now a trip, for me, through this black forest
Blacker, blacker, black the forest becomes
Lost, I am, in these living forests of ebony
Blackened trunks wall the muddy trails
A hall I journey into, nowhere to turn
I make my way down this endless tunnel
The living trees close the path behind me
Darker, darker, dark the tunnel goes
The further I venture, the less I may see
The trees reach their limbs to halt my path
The trees curl their roots to trip my step
When will this end? Is freedom an option for me?
Or do I lay down and die like the bodies before me?
Harder, harder, hard it is to trek these woods
Only black before me and only black behind
Here I sit, in this blackened hall of trees
Here, I'm alone, in this toil of misery
Here, I drink alone. Drown my sorrow
Here I cry, unheard by friendly ears
Here I scream, unknown by any man
Here I sit, in the Forests Of Ebony...
May 5, 2016
May 5, 2016 at 9:43 PM UTC
Gleefully you score pictures
on my white bones
with a sharp nail
and wipe Indian ink
into the minute
scratches.
I watch your scrimshaw emerge
with disinterest
until I see your artwork capture the
moment when an upturned hull
slips beneath the waves
to begin its long descent.
I recognise the ship
as that of which I had proudly
proclaimed myself captain
Apr 7, 2016
Apr 7, 2016 at 12:39 AM UTC
I wear a mask to run this charade
To make it seem like I have not yet decayed
Under all my own thoughts and all my self-hatred
Under the harsh image that I have created
I make it seem like I don’t have a care
My true thoughts muted by this mask that I wear
It may seem like I have it all held together
But darling, let me tell you
I am a nightmare
Mar 24, 2016
Mar 24, 2016 at 7:36 AM UTC
i hurt myself countless times today
but only this time not physically
i hurt myself like i won't stop thinking about the things that make me feel worthless
i hurt myself like i daydream about the boys that make me feel unsure of myself just when my confidence was starting to rise
i hurt myself like i let these feelings take over my mind completely so that whether or not i think i'm good enough is based on my assumptions of why everyone that momentarily makes me feel secure doesn't talk to me for a day or two
i hurt myself like i'm writing these ******* thoughts down on paper as if thinking deeper about it is going to do anything other than rip open old wounds
i hurt myself like i sabotage my own happiness because it's so easy to tear down what is just a light veil draped over all these years of self hatred and low self esteem that has built up so much it could reach the earths core
i hurt myself like i know i won't stop until i've convinced myself that i am nothing
Jan 21, 2016
Jan 21, 2016 at 2:39 AM UTC
There’s nothing there anymore
Empty space
A neck without a head
I remember how you taught me to tie my tongue
Or maybe I taught myself
Doesn’t matter
I just wanted to fill the space
So we made nooses on our deathbed
I caught your breath and framed it
‘Holly blooming’
Before asphyxiating
Never did pick up my head from your apartment
You’ve probably moved away
Shifted flesh and become someone else
Doesn’t matter
Never did
Dec 7, 2015
Dec 7, 2015 at 10:13 AM UTC
I sit up at night and wonder,
Was it worth it?
Of one thing I'm sure,
It wasn't and I feel like ****
Sep 15, 2015
Sep 15, 2015 at 11:37 AM UTC
***no matter how shallow
no matter how few
I still broke my promises
and I lied to you
I know a "bad day"
is a horrible excuse
but a few cuts
it's better than a noose
it was just one more day
until 6 months
but I guess this time
I wasn't strong enough
it was only a matter of time
and I think you knew
I could feel myself growing distant
then I finally blew my fuse
it was only supposed to be one I swear
one single line and then I'd be done
but then I had to make it equal
and then my demons won***
Aug 26, 2015
Aug 26, 2015 at 1:21 AM UTC
i think a part of me will
always love being six years old—
love being tiny, unassuming, cold
in my reactions, bowled
over by my peers, told
to be bigger, brighter, better.
i am largely the same now—
but i am no longer six.
no one tells me to
become any bigger
or brighter or better,
being small means being
crushed, and if i am
overlooked, no one cares.
if i were six, this
would sadden me.
but i am no longer six,
i no longer care,
and i am alone in my
acquired apathy.
Aug 22, 2015
Aug 22, 2015 at 2:27 AM UTC
The devil carves his name into my skin
The blood reads: disgusting
Jun 1, 2015
Jun 1, 2015 at 9:29 PM UTC
The days go on, the nights get longer.
She can’t keep fighting, they’re getting stronger.
The thoughts are sinister, they keep her awake.
They’re taking her life, for goodness sake.
Do you see what’s happening? She’s fading away.
The thoughts are powerful and leading her astray.
The days go on, the nights get darker.
The demons are growing and becoming smarter.
This girl is dying, she’s mentally weak.
Her moods are low and never to peak.
She can’t live like this, so let her die.
It’s her time to go and say goodbye.
Apr 2, 2015
Apr 2, 2015 at 11:53 AM UTC
i could have done something different
i could have done something better
i could have helped you
i could have saved you
i could have taken your pain
worn it on my shoulders
and took your burdens for you
i could have wiped your tears away
poured the ***** down the drain
locked up the shotgun
and sang you to sleep
only in the morning you would still be there
i could have done something different
i could have done something better
i could have been there for you
i could have fixed what made you hurt
and made you forget about it
i could have held your hand
let you cry to me
soothed your aching heart with comforting words
and taken you away from everything
that changed you
maybe if i did
you would still be here
the same mistakes of idleness
and the same outcome
the same sharp sorrow and tortuous guilt
the same irreplaceable loss that i couldn’t stop
the same **** words that float in my head
enough times that i convince myself they’re true
i could have done something different
i could have done something better
and because i didn’t
i’m the only one left to tell myself that
Feb 28, 2015
Feb 28, 2015 at 6:57 PM UTC
you can’t feel regret with a bullet through your head
you can’t wake up to the smell of stale *****
or see FAILURE printed on your forehead in the mirror
or hear your own thoughts that seem to be in such greater quantities than everyone else’s
it’s the best solution for a hangover
the cure for the worst headaches
an end to all thoughts that seem to be in direct contact with whatever makes your stomach twist
your chest tighten
your palms sweat
your eyes well up
the list of pros and cons is dramatically lopsided
force yourself not to think of the look in her eyes when she sees you every other weekend
block out the sound of their laughter when it’s 3am and no one can sleep
put blinders on: see tomorrow
see the day after
see disappointment and regret and broken bottles
because sometimes you stumble
only then will you be able to give yourself the right answer
when you ask, “would that be so hard to walk away from?”
Feb 28, 2015
Feb 28, 2015 at 6:50 PM UTC
mediocrity isn’t
something to be strived for
and being a nonentity isn’t
a relief of pressure
it’s heavier than any weight
that could be strapped to your back,
larger than any expectations
you delude yourself into thinking you must meet
emptiness fills
more than you would think
your feeble body on the ground
stirs no pity in me
i hope the steel-toed boots
striking you from every direction
leave bruises that last
i hope the stench of your rotting flesh
gags you and brings up the lack
of what you hold inside
i hope old scabs are ripped open again
and your hands lay weak by your side
unable to stop the flow of blood
let me hear you say that you are nothing,
that you have nothing valuable to offer
let me hear you say that you are a waste of space,
an unwanted burden
let me hear you cry and plead for an end,
although you don’t deserve that escape
i want to hear you say that you’re a murderer
i want you to go back:
look into his eyes
watch them dilate with fear
and then see the light leave them
feel his blood on your hands
leaving a permanent mark
that doesn’t wash off under water
feel his body turn cold
as the life inside him stops
with his heartbeat
your sniveling apologies do nothing
but turn my stomach over
don’t touch me,
i don’t care if the blood is gone
being a nonentity isn’t
a relief of pressure
i hope you never get away
from that weight
Feb 28, 2015
Feb 28, 2015 at 6:36 PM UTC
It seems a bit familiar
This feeling
And expected
Even though I didn't see it coming
But what more can I do?
And what better place to compose poetry
Than behind the wheel of a ****** car
Going twice the speed limit
And half off road
And what better way
To celebrate
The scars
And the fact that God won again
Than to cry tears without feeling
Anything at all?
How can I even be mad?
You cried, too.
Less, but that's given -
That I expected
Not that I expected anything at all.
But what about Thanksgiving?
What about the place set for you?
And that date to Barnes and Noble
I asked you on months ago?
Who am I kidding, that wouldn't have happened
I only remember it all now
Kissing in the rain
Baking cookies
That money she owed you
Bringing you hot chocolate on the first day it snowed
The way your hips moved against mine
How ecstatic you made me
And the way I thought I could make you happy too
And the way you seemed happy, in the apple orchard
And when we held each other under the fireworks
On our first date
And that time we talked about the universe and philosophy
And how excited you seemed
That you found someone who understood
Another INTP
A lover worth giving your body to,
Your mind,
Your soul,
Being one with.
I must've imagined it.
I'm crazy, after all.
Nov 17, 2014
Nov 17, 2014 at 8:13 PM UTC
I joke
at a
constant.
Whether it be about
myself or nothing at all,
I still joke.
Sometimes it hurts
laughing at my self hatred
since everyone thinks I'm kidding,
hell I even think it sometimes.
But it hurts knowing that
people you care about
don't notice your
smile crumbling and
your life tumbling
until you scream it out to them
"I'm not okay."
Nov 6, 2014
Nov 6, 2014 at 11:55 AM UTC
*i have a problem.
sometimes, i am happy
uncontrollably so.
everything makes me smile.
and the sun shines in my heart.
but then there are days
when even under the sun
i bring in the rain.
it pours from my eyes
down my cheeks
to my mouth.
and i try to swallow
but i can't.
and everything crumbles
around me.
i lose myself.
and there is no one but me
who can
pick
t h o s e
p i e c e s
u p .
i have a problem.
i am my problem.*
Oct 5, 2014
Oct 5, 2014 at 1:46 AM UTC
“Second place…”
“Everyone feels.”
“Get out of your room.”
“…. Intensive therapy…”
“I’m a bad person.”
“I’m sorry.”
“How does it feel?”
“How did it feel?”
“I’m so sorry.”
“I love you.”
“You’re beautiful.”
“You’re not enough.”
“… People like that…”
“Is that why the world is so sharp you cut yourself on it?”
“What do you want?”
“You want me to be something I’m not.”
“I hate you.”
“Why won’t you let me hold you?”
“Are you up?”
“It hurts.”
“You can tell me anything.”
“I’m scared.”
“I don’t think I can help you.”
“Are you okay?”
“… Going through the tunnel…”
“You can listen to my records.”
“So that’s why it’s me who ends up the cause of everything that hurts you.”
“Can I help?”
“Fight back.”
“I’m busy.”
“Sure, honey.”
“Are you okay?”
“I’m sorry.”
“… When I cut…”
“It’s not okay.”
“I care about you.”
“What did you mean?”
“I punched the wall in my bedroom.”
“Go take a walk.”
“I’m bleeding.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“Has the counselor talked to your parents about a hospital yet?”
“Crazy people are beautiful.”
“Drop it.”
“Stop being so cryptic.”
“I don’t know how to love you either.”
“Why do you treat me this way?”
“What’s going on?”
“… Like I’m nothing…”
“It makes it feel worthless that I’m a kind person.”
“Then nothing’s going to change.”
“It’s okay.”
“You’re so annoying.”
“You’re so brilliant it hurts to think you might waste it.”
“You have to keep trying.”
Sep 14, 2014
Sep 14, 2014 at 5:17 PM UTC
Take me away
Away from me
Away from society
Away from everyone
For my thoughts are true
They make me self conscious
They make me scared
And They make me stressed too
There's no cure for this
For nothing is wrong
Nothing ever has been
And nothing will be
So I'll put on a happy face
Pretend to be strong
And enjoy myself
When I'm with my friends
But on my own
The dark Comes to get me
My self hatred comes out to play
It never went
It's always there
But it has more fun
When I'm alone here
I should be alone
Can I just stay here
And never come out
Too scared to look at myself
Too scared to let others see
But they'll never know
The way that I feel
How much pain is caused daily
And all by me
For I am this pain
It is caused by me
For after all it is my fault you see
I don't want help
I don't want to talk
I don't need your permission
Or sorry-ful looks
You don't need to know
It's my secret you see
No one will know
What it is to be me
Nor do you want to
So be grateful you don't
Nothing will happen
For I am too weak
I can't do anything
No matter how much I over think
I wish that I could
If I could I would
Everyone else seems to do it so effortlessly
While I can't do it at all
It's all in my head
I guess I could say
However this is nothing at all
It's only thoughts
Never actions
I don't care what you think
Or what you think you know
For you know nothing
And that's how it goes
Aug 15, 2014
Aug 15, 2014 at 4:46 AM UTC