#mentaldisorder
it's coming back
i don't even try to hide it
my energy is at lack
i don't even try to fight it
it's the same old same old
yet I never expect it
"you seem fine" i'm always told
my brain is so hectic
back to my old way
a few burns here
I miss my good days
a couple cuts there
counting the pills
until i fall asleep
calculate what'll take the ****
32? i'm in too deep
will this time be the end?
i honestly hope so
can't survive this again
i can barely say no
Nov 30, 2024
Nov 30, 2024 at 12:17 AM UTC
it's been great for so long
nothing could ever be bad
i always sing this song
nothing could ever make me sad
the hurt is so far away
almost like it was never here
"i'm on top of the world" i say
i'll never shed another tear
i go to sleep all happy
without a worry
i wake up all sappy
of course it's in a hurry
how long will this time last?
it's all black and gray
i thought it was in the past
it's a never-ending pay
turns out it was always there
distractions just pushed it aside
don't know how much longer i can bear
i just want this monster to die
Nov 30, 2024
Nov 30, 2024 at 12:11 AM UTC
I pace around, adoring each flower.
I’m not nervous. I just have bipolar.
I’m tapping my fingers for ten hours.
I’m not restless. I just have bipolar.
I wake up four times during the nighttime.
My heartbeat flies out of my very chest.
Awake. It’s been hours since watching crime!
Alive. I begin prepping for a test.
My words bounce back around the four drywalls.
Like a child, thoughts scamper through my mind.
Abruptly I laugh. Then I start to bawl.
My emotions begin to intertwine.
I make mindless plans with seven people.
I say something out of pocket to Van.
Now I try to use a tattoo needle.
**** I just tossed and broke my only fan.
Mar 7, 2023
Mar 7, 2023 at 3:06 PM UTC
downtown is
a much newer scene than even
i thought it’d be - i was
prepared to be
a novice. i was prepared to be
out of place. and this was
nothing, i could handle these
old odd eyes, i just
wasn’t ready to feel so
dropped in.
but i’d drawn a diagram
of this situation,
a different specific
(god ****
i can’t hear myself think)
why am i surprised to feel
so dropped in
when i’ve drawn it?
drawn upon it?
why am i surprised
that a new brand new
situation feels
just the same as the new situations
of before, when i’ve
had so many
that i can picture the the sensation
of my brain?
i’ve made a series of green lines
on a yellow, lined piece
of paper.
i’ve meant to take it
to my shrink for months.
once,
i had it in my purse and
my guts, when i entered,
decided to shrink.
i said
i was fine, and the same,
and i started to drop
the pills that stole my sleep
onto the streets.
it’s helped,
and i’m surprised. and my brain
feels more awake than
any other time
in the past
three
years…
so.
to which part of town
do i go to
from here?
Jun 23, 2014
Jun 23, 2014 at 12:09 PM UTC
Mental and emotional wounds are invisible, but a wound is still felt by those they inflict
Just like a tiny cut, you still feel the pain even if you can't see it
Just like the cancer beneath your flesh and in your brain, it still eats away at you
These are wounds that don't heal or go away if you apply pressure or put a bandaid over
There is no stitch that can put your broken heart and wounded mind back together
You walk with this pain
Feel it in every step and passing look
The goosebumps on your arms
The trembling of your hands
The darkness behind your eyes
The apathy in your voice
You can't see the wound, but sometimes you can see the symtoms
You can't feel the pain another feels
You can't see it but that doesn't mean it isn't there
You can't see a cough or a virus as it courses its way through your body
But that doesn't mean they aren't real
We carry these invisible scars with us
And they never truly go away or fade
Jul 14, 2020
Jul 14, 2020 at 1:47 PM UTC
One full pill.
Prescribed from,
the white hell.
Antidepressant from the back store,
elevate life to the top floor.
Forced prescription, out of stock.
Oxytocin pumped, hidden cortisol.
Might as well walk the red carpet,
in celebration of Parasite.
As the clock struck,
the midnight hour.
Take the happy little pill.
**** **** don't swallow.
Heavy eyes, don't fall over.
Lies, deceit, promises hollow.
Been 10 years,
time to catch up.
Rewind the clock.
Like a jar of fireflies,
shut it before any escape.
Rogue eyelids,
on a mission to shut.
Weak resolve, strong dose.
Drifted to dreamland.
Summer sun in seasonal switch up.
Sun rays like holy water,
hiss like a vain vampire.
Shops in an anarchy riot,
open the door to the sockets.
Oh, blind justice lady, I am blind too.
Shuffle Shuffle, like the undead.
Dragged the dead body to downtown.
It's a miracle, failed to faint.
Crude world, crude demands.
Have some respect for the dead.
By lord´s grace, limped home safe.
Met the coated monster today again.
Struggled to even stay still.
Advised to adapt, showed nothing but apathy.
A parasitic patient, eat away.
A death drain, drip away.
A strained stranger on a stretcher, carry away.
Tiny changes in hopes of conformity.
Circular cycle starts once again.
Half a pill today.
Feb 22, 2020
Feb 22, 2020 at 8:36 PM UTC
I don't understand how someone so strong
Could think they are so weak
When they deal with way more bull
Than anyone should ever deal with.
I don't understand how someone that handsome
Could think they are that much of an abomination
When they have hated themselves way more
Than anyone should be hated, particularly him.
I don't understand how someone so amazing
Ended up so strong
So self-loathing
So anxious
So depressed
So misplaced
So disadvantaged.
Oct 23, 2019
Oct 23, 2019 at 11:31 PM UTC
that's what she told me.
But without it, who I am?
I don't think I would recognize myself.
Sep 16, 2019
Sep 16, 2019 at 8:27 PM UTC
Like an albatross
I criss then cross
Lines of red ink on me
And what's the cost?
I keep fighting,
But lost
And cut my right ear off
Like Evander Holyfield
Or Van Gogh,
An artist,
Now trust.
And me the curse
Who only gets worse
The more you get to know him.
Everything I do
Is a ******* sin.
And life is a pool
I can't jump in-
I can't swim
And then I sink
And think
Of those who can't swim too
In my ocean of negativity
And dying virtues.
These are my cues
To leave out
And choose
The ones who know what
I'm about
Before I lose
My sanity to clout
And pick a fool
Like me.
A maniac and insomniac
And freak show
To be.
Apr 29, 2019
Apr 29, 2019 at 5:30 PM UTC
I stand in a puddle of water
Liquid pooled around my ankles
Dripping from my eyes so slow I didn’t notice them at first
But when they become apparent, foreign fingers brushed them away
And I disregard the wetness to pull back the hands
Who do these hands belong to?
The puddle becomes a pool
I stand in the shallows and wiggle my toes
My fingers have grown pruney from where my fingers dip in the water
Blisters have settled on my soles and children splash at my face
Droplets trail to my collarbone and I blink away water or tears and wonder
Ears listening to unrecognizable laughter
Whose children are these?
The water sits level at my mouth
I should feel weightless but my clothes drag me down
The pool has become a lake and I stand in it shivering
Perched on my toes there is a precarious balance for air
The tears don’t stop and the water keeps rising
My sobs echo across the surface
Murky figures wave at me from the shore and smile like they know me
Who am I?
They say a river never forgets
That it knows its way back to the ocean
But my river swirls around my head and drips out my ears
The lake forms a loch of memories that can be touched
But never held
A lake is where memories go to be forgotten
I drown in a Lethe that pours from my eyes, from my mind
And I sink to forget and be forgotten
Jan 30, 2019
Jan 30, 2019 at 4:15 PM UTC
"i'm fine,"
said those who hide their faces from their friends
those who force their laughter and fake their smiles
dull eyes
"i don't care,"
said the ones who were mocked endlessly
teased, ridiculed, excluded, demeaned
the taste of tears
"i'm used to it,"
said the ones who can't sleep at night from anxiety
their hearts race in constant fear of the unknown
numb fingertips
"i can handle it,"
said those who stare at their reflection for hours
those who can't stop thinking they're not good enough
distorted faces
"i'm sorry"
said the ones who scratch themselves 'till they bleed
their bitten nails red and painful
dried blood
Jan 7, 2019
Jan 7, 2019 at 1:52 PM UTC
It pushes everyone away.
It ruins all my relationships.
I died at the hands of my thoughts today.
He tells me that he loves me,
He tells me that it’s okay,
But they won’t let me believe it.
is love real?
is happiness real?
is anything real?
because at this rate, it might all just be fake.
in fact,
that’d be better, because then i wouldn’t have to feel this pain.
Aug 28, 2018
Aug 28, 2018 at 8:46 PM UTC
why do you push everyone away?
why do you hurt everyone?
why do you hurt me?
why do you care so much about what they think?
why can’t i break free?
Aug 26, 2018
Aug 26, 2018 at 4:43 PM UTC
The darkness is seeping in
Into my mind
Into my heart
And into my soul
It's taking my thoughts
So now they are no longer whole
They are broken
Fractured
Shattered
Seeping into nothing
They are being consumed by the darkness
Along with me
One day I will no longer be able to pretend
And everyone will see
The me I have kept hidden away
May 24, 2018
May 24, 2018 at 5:06 PM UTC
my grandmother is dead and it is my fault
turns out the eating disorder doesn't just **** only you.
...
stressful.
Feb 23, 2018
Feb 23, 2018 at 11:03 PM UTC
My brain is moving
a million miles per hour,
though it pleads to stop.
Feb 20, 2018
Feb 20, 2018 at 12:40 PM UTC
is this what a panic attack is?
a race horse instead of a heart
static numbness prickling fingertips
the weight of every insecurity sitting on my lungs
forcing a battle to be fought with every exhausting breath
spiders crawling to and from upon my spine
whispering my greatest fears
giggling at my mortality
weakness in every inch of my being
constantly under attack by my own body
my own traitorous body
hopelessness shredding my self worth
driving my fragile state into a frenzy
Jan 22, 2018
Jan 22, 2018 at 2:41 AM UTC
Help me again from this pain,
My heartbeat is beating so fast and
I don't want to feel this way again
My body is shaking and nobody came
No love from others , and my heart always get some stain.
I feel I was in the penitentiary,
Trapped inside a cell,can't find a way to set me free,
I'm alive but I feel I'm dead
Every second of my life I felt I was running in a thread
Those books I read , Still hauntin' my head ,
The Knowledge I received , Is it good or bad?
This panic attacks , Solution is Xanax
Very addictive , but Helps me to relax.
Is this the same way to begin with ?
Or choose "To be Alive or Dead?"
Nov 20, 2017
Nov 20, 2017 at 1:20 PM UTC
She wants to talk to me, But I don't want to hear her voice
Voice of selfish person that keeps haunting me since I was broken,
Breaking my heart, ripped every piece of my soul.
You're so lucky because you easily found someone else, ******* *****
And this is what happen to me , every night I keep pushing myself
that I don't really need you anymore ,
Until the years past I completely move on
Now I'm free , I'm better but not completely at all.
Because since you left me , There's a voice inside my head
That keeps telling me life is just a joke and death is the solution.
Nov 17, 2017
Nov 17, 2017 at 11:40 AM UTC
i am not here
i am not yet born,
i am in a crate
i am not sure
i am not what i thought i was
i am still
i am lost
i am not yet grown
i am going
i am going
i am going
i am going far
...far
......far
.........far
downhill
i am sure
Nov 9, 2017
Nov 9, 2017 at 6:29 PM UTC
why is everyone assuming im so good
"im so glad youre doing well"
"you seem so happy!"
"oh this is great that you are doing so much better."
but i am not
i am crying in grocery stores
and running because i ate a twinky
i am crumbling
i am not okay
this is not okay
Nov 5, 2017
Nov 5, 2017 at 5:56 PM UTC
please, you have to understand,
this isn't me.
i am not my mood swings,
i am not my fear of talking on phones.
please, you have to understand,
this isn't me.
i am not my depressive episodes,
i am not my medications i must take.
please, you have to understand,
this isn't me.
i am not my fear of eating,
i am not my fear of being replaced or ignored.
understand, i am not my depression.
understand, i am not my anxiety.
understand, i am not my PMDD.
understand, i am not my BPD.
understand, i am not my eating disorder.
please, you have to understand,
this is me.
i am my love of cats,
and i am my admiration of everything musical.
please, you have to understand,
this is me.
i am a lover of stationery,
and i am a lover of every single living creature.
please, you have to understand,
this is me.
i am one who eats one too many brownies,
and i am one who cares for the entirety of the environment.
please, see past my mental disorder(s).
see the real me,
not just the chemistry in my brain.
please, see my lust for life.
see me beating stereotypes,
see me being me.
Nov 5, 2017
Nov 5, 2017 at 12:31 AM UTC
Scorched flesh,
So inflamed and infected,
Fresh damage to self.
Flames dance after thee,
As you break away.
Your in dire need for a rescue,
But hate to complain.
Burns meet silence,
As cream heals all but the screams.
They set your insides aflame,
Everything physically a crisp,
As you mentally try to breath.
Oct 22, 2017
Oct 22, 2017 at 9:55 PM UTC