#istillloveyou
I let you in
like rain into dry earth
no questions, no shelter,
just open,
just yours.
You did not knock.
My heart did not ask.
We simply happened,
like something written
before I knew how to read it.
Now I am here,
trying to unlearn you
deleting your name
like it ever obeyed logic,
erasing your face
like memory is a chalkboard
and not a scar.
But you
you return in dreams,
uninvited and familiar,
standing in places
I have never taken you,
smiling like nothing broke.
And I
I betray myself there,
I smile back.
I tell myself
I want to forget you,
I rehearse anger
like a script I cannot memorize,
search for reasons to hate you
as if love is something
that can be argued out of existence.
But every time,
I lose.
Because in the quiet,
when no one is watching,
I whisper it
soft, ashamed, still true:
I love you.
And it hits me again,
sharp and sudden,
like my heart remembering
what my mind begged it to forget.
I grow weak there.
I close my eyes,
not to sleep
but to find you.
I want to let you go
the way I let you in
without fear,
without resistance,
without breaking myself
in the process.
But leaving you
is not a door.
It is a slow undoing,
a gentle tearing,
a quiet war
between what I know
and what I feel.
And still…
I am learning,
that maybe letting go
is not one moment
but a thousand small surrenders
until one day
your name
does not echo
the same.
May 2
May 2, 2026 at 5:14 PM UTC
I have all this love
And nowhere to put it
It's rotting inside me
Soft,warm
Unspent.
I reach out in dreams
But wake up alone
His name buried in my throat
Like a secret
I was not allowed to say.
He didn't stay
But the love did
And now it grows wild
Inside a heart
With no one left
To give it to.
Jun 18, 2025
Jun 18, 2025 at 1:20 PM UTC
You know I used to write poetry about how the sun glowed a pon your hair, about strangers you fall in love with, about the prettiest boy in class, about how unfortunately irregardless of our actions the time will pass. I had a little crush on you. You definitely knew but I pretended that you didn't so I could keep my hopes up about you. About us someday hiking up a trail, waking up in the same bed, You picking up our mail, You picking up the kids, Us painting our home’s walls. I used to have a crush on you but the kind that in love falls , the kind that always calls with good and bad news, the kind you can't forget even if somebody else you try and choose. I had a crush on you, If had was present tense because honestly i know that i haven't liked anybody else since, since we were last together and you stood next to me and told me i looked pretty, the type of warmth even you couldn't understand, my diary consists of poetry that immortalizes You in every line.
Apr 25, 2025
Apr 25, 2025 at 10:15 PM UTC
It is 5 minutes until 1:00 am, and I know my head will keep me up to 3.
my mind overwhelms itself.
and hates me for doing nothing about it.
It is now 1 and the same thoughts I had 5 minutes ago.
are now shown falling from my eyes, down my cheeks.
I am truly my worst enemy.
everyone talks about the healing process but not the dread.
that clanks around your ankles after.
I was a broken vase, not filled with roses or tulips.
Not loaded with water.
The pieces of glass, pieces of me I placed together.
(you can still see my cracks)
I am now an empty vase, and no one will grant me the presence of flowers.
It is now 11 minutes into 1 and happiness only pervaded-
when I went out with friends.
Is happiness just laughter and creating memories?
I guess I'll never know.
It is now 1:15
and I'm still not ok with anything I write.
I am still not ok with myself, at least I don't hate who she is anymore.
I am still not ok with how I love, how I express affection.
I am still not okay with how my mother treated me.
I'm not fine with anything at all.
No matter how many times I splatter my mind on these pages.
I won't feel okay.
I waited 16 years to finally feel something new, and at least I got what I wanted.
but this state of feeling and containing nothing is still familiar.
It is 1:30
My mind is now vacant but only because I have occupied myself with creating.
Still disappointed with each piece I make.
It is the only outlet I have to escape from my experiences unless there’s a blunt
in my hand.
I do not wish for peace anymore, just a hand to hold and maybe a new lighter.
It has been 50 minutes, and I am still writing.
Still wishing to ring myself out like a drenched rag.
and to watch my thoughts, attempts, things I did, said, could have, wouldn't-
circle into a big puddle that dries away.
I know it is not that easy.
but to believe my placing here was not a mistake is hard.
7 minutes until 2
I feel slightly better, but the kind of better that will allow me to rest.
It is now 2:00, and I'm 358 words in, this poem will never be let out, and I am still here-
disconnected from myself and ambivalence fills the space in-between.
Dec 11, 2024
Dec 11, 2024 at 12:04 PM UTC
Do you still think about me? I know, I do,
If only you knew how much
I still I love you,
Our beautiful memories, to you
I owe everything,
Happy, sad, love and every feeling,
I even look in places where
I don’t find you,
Thinking you would look for me too,
You found me at my worst,
And loved me at your best,
Can I just see you once more,
To hug you and tell you with a
heart so sore,
That in the moments we held each
other’s hearts,
You were what I needed the most…
Oct 21, 2022
Oct 21, 2022 at 3:21 AM UTC
You are a masterpiece
I am a broken piece
I love everything about you
You are very close to my heart
Do you also feel the same?
I hope you also think about me
My feelings are visible
As you read this letter
Even though we love each other
Yet it's not enough for us to live together
So I share my emotions in sentences
And finally closing our chapter in my last words...
I loved you~
Jan 10, 2022
Jan 10, 2022 at 8:49 AM UTC
My life had got colder, seeping itself into numbness.
Coping wasn't possible or needed
because if I just slept or drank or took some sort of drug
I was okay
I thought we were both going to get stronger.
And a huge part of me bets I wasn't missed
when we pretended the other didn't exist.
I don't exist.
I wanted to feel something and at the same time
I was grateful that I couldn't.
I couldn't stand to be here
wishing you'd make another account to talk to me
seeing if you'd just try a little harder
to keep me
or to get me back
but you told me that if we argued and I left the room
You'd just let me go.
I should have kept that in mind then
you said you loved me
And I wonder what love means
I always assumed it meant the will of risking all for one another
without the need to
I lost it and threw myself
to the ground
for the tears to pour
or at least trickle
and I couldn't even make the expression.
I left because of my own attitude mixing with yours
and I was too clingy.
Codependency is a ***** I think.
Not fair like Karma.
I left because I couldn't take the feeling of not being loved
I was so used to you loving me completely
I left because I didn't think you cared
and after Justin, I thought I knew better.
Even if I didn't show it
it killed me
and it's still killing me inside and out.
Istillloveyou.
Just know I'd still take you back
I just can't stop writing
without mentioning you.
but since it's poetry, I can do whatever I want
so I'm weaving you into every word
every space
every sound and meaning
Sydney Sydney Sydney
Apr 28, 2021
Apr 28, 2021 at 1:05 PM UTC
Ok, I admit it,
You're the guy
All my love quotes
Are about.
You're the one
I'm thinking
Of right now.
Cause I just
Really love you.
I still love you.
I swear,
I always will.
Nov 9, 2020
Nov 9, 2020 at 3:16 PM UTC
I will always be there for you
I will always care about you
I will always fight for you
I will always love you
you were never there for me
you never cared, your silence was the key
you never fought for me, instead, you broke me free
you didn't love me, you never accepted you and me
because you judged a person I was never meant to be
Someday you'll realize I was there when no one else was.
That I loved you like no other, and I didn't judge you like the others
Makes me wonder, why do I still bother?
Jul 8, 2020
Jul 8, 2020 at 3:36 AM UTC
I feel really angry and stupid..
It's aching that you became my regret.
Up till now, I still wonder what exactly you were afraid of, for real, cause it definitely wasn't commitment.
I never thought uncertainty would be this painful but that's little compared to what you felt about my communication and trust issues and I'm really sorry about that, I really am.
I really have a lot to say, so much and I'm going to because there's no other person to say it to than you and I don't want to keep harboring my pain just to feed my ego.
May 7, 2020
May 7, 2020 at 4:39 PM UTC
Trying to shun
I don't want this to be done
I don't want this love to be gone
And I don't want to end my day
Without you under the sun
I know our feelings are true
And I want our us to pursue
Please while in process
Dont fall through
I'll promise that always
our love will be brand new
And there I was all out
Thought I had everything figured out
I take one step away
Trying my own devout
Then I find myself coming back to you
A gravitational love
Given from above
That maybe we were meant to fall in love
Girl, we don't have to get rid of this love
Everytime I take one step away
I find myself in front of you
And finally say I'll stay
I won't waste any time and make a delay
Because time always comes by I might lose you and you'll say I need to stay away
I'm not trying to shun
I just don't want this to be done
I just want this love to have fun
And cease our day under a beautiful sun.
Mar 4, 2020
Mar 4, 2020 at 3:35 AM UTC
You leaned me back as we danced at 2am in my kitchen.
You held your head back, as my eyes held yours, and my hands held you. This medicine keeps me calm and breathing easy. The lighter and the glass pipe on my windowsill make me enjoy the freezing mornings, and you darling make music notes run through my veins, and they make me shake.
Feb 2, 2019
Feb 2, 2019 at 1:13 AM UTC
Accepting the fact that this isn't love just appreciation honestly kills me. You say I'm your sunset, but I'm really just your breath when it's cold out.
Jan 31, 2019
Jan 31, 2019 at 12:59 AM UTC
I couldn’t see the end, yet
We STILL tried like we were true
In unfinished LOVE you let me go
Cause within your heart, YOU felt that I would cheat on you.
Dec 14, 2018
Dec 14, 2018 at 8:58 PM UTC
You broke my heart many times
And still the pieces won’t fit
You made me cry days and nights
You took something I’ll never get back
Why you ripped my heart I’ll never know
Maybe it’s in you DNA to ba an ***
I hope one day you make the right girl happy
It was not myself unfortunately
But if *** was all it took for you to leave
Goodbye
Dec 4, 2018
Dec 4, 2018 at 12:13 PM UTC
Cut the wrist of a Vampire Unicorn,
and She bled glitter,
but what do you except,
when I’m the Black Sheep of the litter,
not a runt though,
no stunts bro,
just real life right now,
just a blatant looting with more in store,
like a city of broken dreams,
post natural disaster,
when every silenced person,
finally gets everything they ever asked for,
and or,
everything they ever thought they wanted,
and I think She might be The Devil,
but then again maybe She’s a Godsend,
because she feels like a blessing,
especially when she’s **********
and she’s not a priest and I’m not on my knees,
but still to her all my sins I’m confessing,
it’s all lessons,
so what did I learn,
when I saw her spill herself all over me,
and I was left with nothing once the sun rose,
except the mess in my bed she left behind for me to clean,
I guess that’s what you get when you cut the wrist of a Vampire Unicorn,
and She bleeds glitter,
but what did you except,
when you’re the Black Sheep of the litter,
not a runt though,
no stunts bro,
just real life right now,
just a blatant looting with more in store…
∆ LaLux ∆
Oct 24, 2018
Oct 24, 2018 at 9:44 PM UTC
Our love was meant to be eternal,
But our love
Was wishéd upon the sun
Bound together as the sun shines
Unbound forever as the sun sets
Our love was meant to be eternal,
But our love
Was not wishéd upon the moon
Bound together as the moon shines
Bound forever, for the moon sets not
Sep 23, 2018
Sep 23, 2018 at 12:47 PM UTC
"Can we make love,
at least a couple more times,
before we never see each other again?”,
Her voice is soft,
sweet,
almost innocent,
and adds an aphro-ambiance,
to the incessant crash of the ocean waves in the background,
her pleading eyes,
intercept my retreating lies,
it can be so hard to argue with the truth.
I am all out of excuses,
as we lay naked as the day we were born,
in this bed at this beachside bungalow in Baja,
clouds gathering outside for the coming post sunshine storm,
two tainted souls,
in a rare moment of purity,
as we lay there I can not lie here,
I can not tell her I will see her again,
I can not tell her everything will be okay,
I can not tell her I love her,
at least not in the same way,
as she loves me,
which of course is unconditionally,
we’ve just made love,
and as she’s mentioned,
possibly for the last time,
and though she wants to make love again and again,
until we both grow old,
wants and realities can compete in this existence,
and in this moment is where they both meet,
“Can we make love,
at least a couple more times,
before we never see each other again?”,
she asks me again,
shaking me from the depths of my thoughts,
she pulls my submarine from the dark depths,
and shakes me out to dry in the sunlight of her attention,
her question,
comes with a hint of offense,
honestly no offense was meant,
at least not from me,
it’s not that I was ignoring her in that moment,
at least not completely,
it’s just that it’s difficult for me to stay in the moment,
when the past keeps dragging me back,
and the future keeps pushing me forward,
and there’s a needy media monster that doesn’t want to be ignored,
where were,
we,
where have we gone,
and what has become,
of the innocence in which we were born?
We lay,
naked as the day we were born,
in this bed at this beachside bungalow in Baja,
clouds gathering outside for the coming post sunshine storm,
nothing covering our skin,
except a thin layer of post *** perspiration,
for even though the sun has already set,
the humid heat still sits there,
like the soon to be cloud covered moon,
that hangs lazily in the sky,
seeming neither amused nor moved by our human drama.
Her question,
is reasonable enough,
and she is,
beautiful enough,
so why,
when she asks,
“Can we make love,
at least a couple more times,
before we never see each other again?”,
can I not say yes?
Well,
for one,
I respect her too much to lie to her,
plus lying to such an honest question,
would seem so taboo,
reason number two,
they say,
we do not choose love,
they say,
love chooses us,
and I do not love her,
even though I may want to,
I do not love her,
because she is not the one Love had decided to choose,
I do not love her,
as amazing as she is,
even if I should love her,
for she is everything a mortal man could ask for,
she is,
a gorgeous and successful model,
with a sharp and receptive mind,
a big heart,
and maybe most importantly,
an undying devotional love for me,
so logically,
I should love her,
but love is not logical,
love is as passionate and irrational,
as the weather here in Baja,
one moment shining bright with clear skies,
the next moment dark and ominous with gathering clouds,
so when she asks me,
“Can we make love,
at least a couple more times,
before we never see each other again?”,
I simply say nothing,
for what can I say,
how can I explain the irrational,
how can I say the one word,
that will break her heart open,
then watch that heart break right in front of me,
how can I say “No”,
to the one question,
that the girl that has said “Yes”,
to my every question,
asks me?
So I say nothing,
I simply open this writing book,
as these skies open above us,
and write down these thoughts upon these pages,
as the desert rains fall down upon us,
I write this poem,
as we lay naked as the day we were born,
in this bed at this beachside bungalow in Baja,
as the incessant crash of the ocean waves in the background,
adds to the aphro-ambiance,
of this bittersweet moment in time,
so that even when I am gone,
and she is gone,
and we are gone,
these words,
from these thoughts,
will live forever,
immortalized in this verse,
forever resting,
somewhere in the collective psyche,
of our unified broken hearts,
as we lay there,
as we mutually mourn,
all that has been loved,
and all that has been lost,
in this impermanent moment called Life,
and she asks,
"Can we make love,
at least a couple more times,
before we never see each other again?”,
∆ Aaron LaLux ∆
Sep 22, 2018
Sep 22, 2018 at 11:13 AM UTC
how to get over thee,
how do i stop from thinking of you,
how do i stop remembering our happy moments,
that i still can't get over,
of how you gave me butterflies in my stomach,
you talk like you're from another time,
and yet you're here staying on my present,
and hopefully on my future,
how do i get over my addiction of your
smiles,
laughs
beautiful eyes,
or even your scent of perfume
how do i distance myself from what keeps me alive,
and also kills me twice,
truth is i still hide my pain,
in my empty smiles,
but the eyes show how i really am,
but no one sees,
you are the one who saw me,
in my darkest and brightest times,
you accepted me,
and told me you'll never leave,
but times after times,
i see you and you smile at me,
and your smiles are different,
they weren't as shiny as before,
they were faded,
they show me sorrow.
it feels like crashing,
crashing inside a volcano,
and burning, burning...
until i feel nothing,
i feel nothing,
because
i've died a million times,
from hell woken up to earth,
i do not know what to do,
or what to expect,
i still see you in my nightmares,
i call it nightmares because even if i saw happy moments it still gives me anxiety,
it still gives me so much phobia,
that the thought of being hurt,
again,
and again,
and again,
and again,
gives me so much heartache,
but i still open my heart,
to you,
because how do i get over thee.
Aug 5, 2017
Aug 5, 2017 at 6:27 PM UTC
It's been a year
Since you broke me
The first time.
Yet, your expresso eyes
Are still the only ones I
Want
To see past the fog of
mine.
I wish I could hate you
Oh how simple that would be
But I can't
When the only thing you didn't do
Right
Was love me the way
I love you.
Feb 15, 2017
Feb 15, 2017 at 12:55 AM UTC
nothing feels right anymore
all of a sudden it seems like the sun sets strangely
the clock ticks quite unusually
the river stops flowing
and your heart stops beating
for me
the songs you used to sing left a mark on me
every note were wounds that i thought were healed
you sung every word like a promise you were afraid to break
and every feeling comes rushing back once the first note plays
my heart felt so heavy
since the day you chose to break it
you were the only thing i can think of
from the second i open my eyes to the minute i close them
and i cant do anything to help myself
except for wishing that i hope i made you stay
it still aches for you
i still cry whenever i remember the sweet things you told me
whenever i remember you singing and laughing
and i miss how i was the reason whenever i see you smiling
-l.e.
Nov 13, 2016
Nov 13, 2016 at 5:00 AM UTC
Met a man on the beach today,
saw him taking photos in the rising Sun's light,
asked him “Flora or Fauna”,
he replied with “Fauna”,
I approached,
he pointed out a bullfrog,
hidden amongst the reeds,
keeping cool in the Mekong's mud,
then he pointed out several lizards clinging to blades of grass,
the fact is that,
I never would have noticed these animals if he hadn’t pointed them out,
I guess sometimes we don’t see things right in front of us,
until we are shown them by others that are the wiser,
or at least that are more observant,
I observed him,
as he observed the animals our interaction continuing,
we walked,
down the the banks of the Mekong,
I showed him a carved artifact,
that I’d found washed up upon the beach,
there had been a series of storms lately,
which had led to floods,
which had led to the unearthing,
of artifacts that had been resting in their earthen beds for hundreds of years,
sometimes it takes a bit of turmoil to unearth that which is covered,
see just because something is covered doesn't mean it's not there,
anyways no matter where we go there we are,
and there we were in that morning rise of sun,
we walked closer to the rushing waters,
where the girl I was with had been observing,
me observing the man who was observing the Fauna,
the girl I was with asked the man casually,
“So man where are you from?”,
it's a common question amongst travelers,
but sometimes a very common thing can lead to something very rare,
He said he was from America and that he’d had enough of it,
he said the doctors had suggested open heart surgery and he was having none of it,
he said he was a Flower Child of the '60's a Vietnam Vet,
and had always had a “stick it to the man kinda attitude.”,
apparently he had heart disease,
caused by a clogging of his arteries,
not enough blood or not enough love or not enough what ever,
was reaching his still beating heart,
the doctors,
with there religious faith in Western Medicine,
warned him if he didn't go in for surgery,
that his early death would come for certain,
they gave him six months to live,
“gave” him like they are God,
like they can “give” life,
while predicting an early death like Death follows any mortals schedule,
no doctor can “give” life but they sure can take it away,
with their agnostic diagnostics and toxic antibiotics,
did you know that Mustard Gas is used in Chemotherapy?
Seriously.
So anyways he,
was diagnosed with heart disease,
given a six month life expectancy,
and told that his current state of being was in itself a medical emergency.
When he heard the news,
he made a conscious decision,
he flew to Laos to escape the 3 trillion dollar U.S. Medical Industry,
he decided he would rather die free than live in a hospitalized prison,
that was 4 years ago from the day we met and he's still alive and kicking,
now he lives amongst the Lao people,
building pipes and helping water flow,
kinda ironic honestly that as a result of his pipes being clogged,
he now helps pipes flow but I guess that's how it goes,
gravity fed springs and moments that are enlightening are both wonderful things.
I thought about help and about charity and about giving to others who may be in need,
and then I began to think,
as this man told his tale,
it’s better to die a free man,
than live in a hospital that’s turned into a jail,
no bail,
only one way out,
nobody gets out of here alive,
our body’s are maximum security penitentiaries,
and I understood exactly this mans Last Stand For Freedom,
he refused to be claimed be the hospital system,
he refused to be confined to a bed and fed through a tube,
he’d rather die happy and free taking photos on the Mekong,
have a heart attack and die taking a photo of a bullfrog,
his cardiac arrested onto his back he'd fall until he’s resting eyes up at the Heavens,
fading out like a saffron sunset upon the muddy waters flow,
no kids no wife no pets just him and his past he wants to die happy and alone,
alone as as we all are when we go,
and we all go one way or another whether Flora or Fauna,
I shook his hand thanked him for his insight then the girl and I left,
to continue on our Life's adventure…
∆ Aaron La Lux ∆
from The Holy Trilogy vol.1; available worldwide; 11/11/16 ∆
Oct 27, 2016
Oct 27, 2016 at 1:55 PM UTC
Universal Language of Love
Poets are supposed to be,
the moral scribes of our current Times,
writing words that are lyrical lessons,
expressed in stanzas and rhymes,
so I suppose if poets are supposed to be,
then occasionally we are Martyrs as well,
but I will gladly be crucified for our collective sins,
if it means our daughters don’t have to live in a Hell,
well then,
if that’s the case so be it,
here we go another Prose,
I didn’t write the rules I just call it like I see it,
we could all be a little more kind,
we could all be a little more fair,
we could all help heal this world,
all we have to do is actually care,
see it’s not enough to just talk with compassion,
we have to manifest that compassion passionately into action,
only then will we be the change we want to see,
and actually manifest what we really want to see happen,
let’s start with calling a truce,
universally,
we’ve all endured enough abuse,
truthfully,
let’s stop dropping bombs,
let’s stop shooting guns,
let’s stop following false leaders,
let’s show some Light of Hope to the Young,
let’s release all non violent offenders,
from the rusty bowels of the for profit prison system,
let’s let them return to their respective families,
for surely they are all loved and have loved ones that miss them,
let’s remember,
we all have Mothers and Fathers,
recognize that that Man is someone’s Son,
and that Woman is someone’s Daughter,
have some respect for God’s sake,
have some love for the Loveless,
and I know it sounds way too cliche,
but let’s finally give Peace a chance,
and let’s give all of our love away,
let’s give love a way,
it’s okay,
honestly,
anyone can shoot an enemy,
but to embrace someone totally different,
now that takes real strength,
come on,
it feel good to feel good when you help someone feel good,
violence is over and done with we are the Ones with the funds Kid,
we can create the picture perfect frame no games and #nofilter,
the Rhythm is a dancer,
and Love is a healer,
music can communicate,
nature can be a great teacher,
breathe you’re,
alive,
this is your life,
anything wrong we can make right,
You choose what You do not the News,
the News is the Blues and You’re the Rainbow after a Rainstorm,
You are as Beautiful as You want to be,
don’t judge someone on their physical body ask Tom Ford,
“As humans we do respond to certain things,
on some sort of very deep level,
we find symmetry of the face more pleasing than not,
at least in general.
But overall we are are so completely conditioned,
to think certain things are beautiful and others are not,
I cast some people who I did not necessarily originally think of as beautiful,
in the latest film that I am working on.
And through filming them,
watching them and editing them,
I now find them beautiful,
and actually quite movingly eloquent.
Which got me wondering,
why did I originally not think of them as beautiful?
If you can divorce yourself,
from what contemporary culture has told us is beautiful,
you can find beauty in places you wouldn’t expect.”,
Tom said it best,
instead of needing emotional anesthetic,
to add to your personal aesthetics,
that’s right I wrote it and Tom Ford said it,
with the exception of a few of my edits,
see we all act in this Movie so we all deserve some credit,
which leads me to this inquiry,
what do you want your tombstone to read when God roles the credits?
This is all real,
no special effects,
this is your life,
live and direct,
so what are you going to choose to do,
sit down shut up and quietly wait for your light to burn out,
or stand up,
let loose and choose to speak out!
This is it,
it’s your life you have to choose not me,
you’re your own leader living your life,
I just write it because I’m the writer and this is the poetry,
because poets are here to spark the thoughts,
that invoke the change that comes from commentary that’s controversial,
because we might all speak in different tongues,
but we all know that Love is the only language that’s truly universal…
∆ Aaron La Lux ∆
Oct 25, 2016
Oct 25, 2016 at 6:07 PM UTC