#givenup
I'm always out to help everyone else,
I've never even thought to help myself.
Now I'm stuck in a rut with nowhere to go,
And here I am, I even have nothing to show.
As I'm here I have been forced to learn,
I can't save anyone if I can't save myself from the burn.
I'm trying I really am,
But I'm giving less and less of a ****
Every time I'm close to being saved,
Another scar from others is engraved.
So I give up for now and I know that *****
But I honestly don't give two *****
Apr 5, 2021
Apr 5, 2021 at 3:13 PM UTC
I’m not saying that I have a bad life
I have everything I need to survive
I have a job, roof over my head, support
I buy the things that I need and want
But for some reason I have a feeling in me that just does not want to leave me alone
I don’t feel like I’m worth it
Anything
I deserve nothing that would make me happy
Why? I honestly don’t know
No one understands what goes through my head
Im very insecure and constantly worried
I worry that people don’t actually like or love me
I worried that everyone thinks I’m annoying
Nothing helps me feel totally happy
Not money, family, friends, nothing
And I don’t know why.
I feel like I’m alone
No one is helping me fight my battle
A army of one
I have visions of me fighting
I have moments where I just sit in my room and drive myself crazy overthinking
I end up crying and fighting with myself
Yelling, punching things, throwing things
And picking fights with my boyfriend
I love him I really do
But, I feel like my insecurities are pushing him away
He says he loves me but I don’t believe him
Why should I
I’m nothing, im not important to him
I feel like trash compared to the other girls he’s been with
He can do better then me
I want help and I need it but I don’t know where to get it
Self medication isn’t helping anymore
And it will get worse
I just know it
I know me
Aug 4, 2020
Aug 4, 2020 at 10:02 AM UTC
People will always worry,
That doesn't make me hate it any less.
People will always worry,
But I don't have much of a choice I guess.
People will always worry,
I hate that word so, so much.
People will always worry,
It just has a sour sort of touch.
People will always worry,
People will always worry,
People will always worry,
People will always worry,
All because of that one night,
When I tried to shut out the light.
May 12, 2020
May 12, 2020 at 4:01 PM UTC
On this day three years ago,
I was given up for adoption.
On this day three years ago,
I was no longer wanted.
On this day three years ago,
I lost everything.
On this day three years ago,
I was torn apart.
On this day three years ago,
I gave up.
On this day three years ago,
I found out I wasn't enough.
On this day three years ago,
My life was no longer mine.
Mar 9, 2020
Mar 9, 2020 at 10:03 AM UTC
He died... died on a dung hill, on a
manure heap
A little kitten, a lovely.... the cutest
little thing
Just appeared one day, one cold
Winter's morning
At the bottom of our back garden
Appeared out of nowhere so it
seemed, just sitting there
I seen him out the kitchen window,
The other two bigger cats we had
They seen him too
They went up to him immediately
They hissed and spat at him
Hit him a few times with their paws
It was like they were saying:
"You're not wanted here, this is our domain, our territory, Keep out! Keep
away!
But he just sat there, taking it all
Not even trying to defend himself.
Now I didn't want another cat, we had
two already
I was only young, a boy, had no job,
no money
We were just feeding them, feeding
them on scraps,
But you just couldn't help feeling
sorry for him
Sitting out there in the cold,
unwanted and unloved
My young boy's heart, it went out to
him
Eventually I took him out some milk
and some food
I petted him on the head
In a strange way he reminded me a
bit of myself
" Seems like the whole world is
against you too, little fella" I said
But his little head, it remained
bowed, his eyes closed, looking in
on himself,
I left him there,
Of the milk he never touched a drop
And the food, never even looked at it
He just sat there so still and so quiet,
When I went out a little while later
I found him, his little body all stiff
and cold...frozen in the cold
"This isn't a world for little things", I
thought,
" there are no miracles here, no
fairytales.....
And there ain't no happy endings
either
(They lied to us)".
I buried him.
I think I buried a part of myself as
well that day.
Feb 29, 2020
Feb 29, 2020 at 11:53 AM UTC
The surface here is rough
Feels like a break up
Almost given up
What's up
With us
Oct 20, 2019
Oct 20, 2019 at 7:55 PM UTC
I’m giving you just the tools to break me
Do it
I Dare You
Aug 23, 2019
Aug 23, 2019 at 1:17 AM UTC
I’ve stopped running.
I don’t know if that means I’ve found a reason to stay,
or that I’ve just given up.
~k.hem
Nov 11, 2018
Nov 11, 2018 at 2:35 PM UTC
although the years have now come and gone,
one thing i have never ceased to stumble apon,
was the extent to your personality; a touch of savage with
a heavenly grace,
while most boys would stop at the simple beauty of your face.
i may have choose wrong to attempt to stay away,
but ive always admired you beyond great dismay,
although my last hope of love with you may have far past expired,
with these drugs my broken heart and soul may be rewired,
but as long you may remain happy,
i must avoid all chance of getting sappy,
and every day that my mind may pass my own self regret,
for the lack of my actions in being a clueless boy; my mind shall
be forced to accept the unspeakable debt,
time after time it appeared to be only you reaching out your hand,
to your power i could not make words i found it hard too so much as stand,
and perhaps one day, i will once again, find the willpower to live,
thats so far lost; i may as well be a inmate ;in for life and bleeding out stuck with a shiv,
but then and only then my fire may reignite
finally past this existence, maybe even a delight
but until then ill keep up my smile,
cause i know apon a moments gaze; we both know its been awhile,
but can you really blame me; for years straight
after i only wanted our unhealthy love to wait
you treated me like i was nothing not even real, every time i tried ; or at least thats how you made it feel,
up until you decided to date my best friend now your both over there...
until i regain my emotional strength i may disassociate n pretend to not so much as care.
and i refuse to even acknowledge your attempt to openly declare,
about my lack of presence unaware,
that my dreams of you have just been those mistaken but of nightmares,
from the image of forever chasing you down the halls,
as all im left with is a false fading sense of hope ;awhile i move on to success and building up my protective walls,
even though i knew my chase would never come to a fair end,
but given all my assets; im still mainly heartbroken that once apon a time i lost such an amazing best freind....
Oct 30, 2018
Oct 30, 2018 at 3:46 AM UTC
Drink until I give up
Drink until I die
I've done my share
I've tried to save
But now I say goodbye
Aug 13, 2018
Aug 13, 2018 at 6:42 PM UTC
It’s been a long and painful few years
and I just can’t keep wasting all these tears
I’ve learned that nothing in life is forever
and everything will tear you down
you can only trust yourself & you can only give yourself the love you deserve
but that was something I was never strong enough to do
I never was strong enough to put my faith in God and just love myself
I always looked for love in the eyes of one night stand lovers
I never gave myself the love I truly deserved
now I’m stilling here writing this and all the people that has every touched my life in any way
and it hurts to say goodbye
but maybe this is the goodbye I need to set myself free
free from all the pain
free from all the stress
free from being hurt and abandoned
so good or not
this is the last one I’ll ever write
Jul 5, 2018
Jul 5, 2018 at 8:47 PM UTC
Happy feet walk away.
Instinct tells you that you are right.
Doubts cast aside.
Do, or do not try.
If you can, then why not love?
If you have already given up,
Or never believed anyway,
Then that is okay.
Good luck.
You and I are not the same;
We read a similar script, but we are on a different page.
With age comes meaning, enlightenment.
Money is there to be spent.
If you are saving for a rainy day;
Welcome to England…save away.
Young people; go enjoy your life.
Old people do not listen to change.
People my age, congratulations!
You think you have it so great!
You think you know so much.
I know that I know nothing about love. You trust,
People to never be trustworthy.
I trust enough for love to hurt me.
Happy feet are only ever seen,
Walking away from me.
I am at a point in my existence,
Where I do not have the time for your idle pretense.
Just say it clearly, what do you want?
Time is short, so fall in love and need to be loved!...
Or simply get to being gone.
(C)2017 Aa Harvey. All Rights Reserved.
May 26, 2018
May 26, 2018 at 12:36 PM UTC
I’m just, tired.
That’s what you tell people,
I need some sleep that’s all,
Well I’ve been just tired for
about 6 months or so now,
And the feeling is just foul,
It’s just not easy,
Leaves me needy,
No matter how long I sleep,
I’m still just tired,
Still need some more sleep,
The world has opened to me,
The sick twisted horrors
this world is now revealing,
To be honest, Suicide has
never been more appealing,
I’m a depressed mess.
But still all they hear is,
I’m just tired,
I just need some more sleep,
Because I’m just tired,
I just need some more sleep,
Or someone to take that leap,
Have a conversation with me so deep,
Find out I use the dark nights to weep,
Cos all I want to do is sleep, forever.
Because I’m just tired, of everything.
May 18, 2018
May 18, 2018 at 6:31 PM UTC
Today could have been a better day.
There is nothing wrong with singing a song,
As long as the words are right.
When all is said and nothing’s done,
Just start again and set alight,
The wishes that you used to have.
Ain’t got no bag so full of beans.
No way to learn everything.
I’ve got to fly through the night air or be unseen.
If all you say is meaningless, then just get out.
I’m out of breath to waste on dreams.
All you think, you only ever said out loud,
I never wanted you to speak;
So drop the act and leave,
Because all these pretty things you say,
Are only said in jest, with hate.
No malice left to fight for peace.
I’m all used up inside.
No masterpiece will ever be produced.
All the pointless things I do,
Are only to annoy you and all you do is take my time.
You waste my time, with only lies, on Valentines.
You talk of love and I’m left in stitches;
Side splitting jokes about your kisses.
Nothing ever makes me smile,
So pack a bag and leave here, I’ll,
Find myself a way to misbehave.
A way to get away from all you say
And I will find a better way to say,
Today could have been a better day.
(C)2018 Aa Harvey. All Rights Reserved.
May 1, 2018
May 1, 2018 at 4:41 AM UTC
Shooting angels
I hate myself and want to die.
I love my life – that is a lie.
I’m shooting angels to get to sleep at night.
There is something lost inside of me; it is my fight.
She stands in front of me,
Shining like an epiphany;
But I have nothing left to feel
And she can no longer talk to me.
As we break up because we have both had enough,
I realise that God and his angels are not here to give me love.
Suicide crosses my mind and I know now love is just a hoax;
Your God has already brought into existence one too many ghosts.
You can ask God to send you another angel to save the day
And you can ask for Heaven to be seen.
You can scream aloud, let me be able to see!
But you cannot give up on your dreams.
Love is endless to God up above;
His angels do his good deeds,
But they are never enough.
You can watch a star shooting through the sky
And claim that it is sent from God.
You can pray not to die and to become a star yourself,
But you can never have enough love.
(C)2016 Aa Harvey. All Rights Reserved.
Apr 26, 2018
Apr 26, 2018 at 9:03 AM UTC
With every breath my heart hurts
i'm the queen of disappointment.
people build me to bring me down
only to be disappointed again.
I let people into my heart,
one that feels love for another.
When they walk away the hurt is numb
and i'm left cold and empty in pain.
they say its not you its me,
that's always what they say.
paranoia builds more each lie,
but what's wrong with me anyway?
Nobody stays to tell me.
Feb 22, 2018
Feb 22, 2018 at 9:27 PM UTC
Grabbed by the hair
Drag through the dirt
Blacken both eyes
Break my bones, I don't care
Kick the ribs
Stomp on my head
Grip tightly my throat
Until no screams I give
Slap my face
Wake me up
Throw me in the box
Just another missing case
Bury me alive
Throw the dirt on
Hearing all the scratches
No way to survive
Listen, no sounds
Place the leaves back on
But be careful where you step
For now it's haunted ground
Jun 15, 2016
Jun 15, 2016 at 12:01 AM UTC
In my search for happiness, I turned toward God
I thought he would leave me awed
But being so flawed
All I felt was his lighting rod
He told me those demons where mine
Deal with them myself, He hadn't the time
In my search for happiness I put my heart on the line
But I did it online so I thought it would be fine.
I thought with miles between us I couldn't get hurt
I couldn't get burnt
But I forgot the heart has no eyes
That in matters of love the brain is not wise
I gave my heart, he made me fall
For he was not real after all
In my search for happiness, I turned to drugs
In it's embrace I felt its hugs
They gave me warmth, they gave me peace
When I was down, for them I reached
But they are a great deceiver
Only mocking their receiver
Finally seeing they only betrayed
Making my world more decayed
In my search for happiness, I finally quit
It was not easy, I'll have to admit
I gave the universe full control
With life's punches I'll continue to roll
From my hole I'll still look up to the sky
Untill the day I die and I'm free to fly
Jun 9, 2016
Jun 9, 2016 at 10:06 AM UTC
I need help. Feels like I'm sinking with a solid piece of thick glass covering the surface. Trapped with no cracks to even a temp to breath. Yet the glass is clear so I can still see that theres peace on the other side. I reach but sink, deeper still into this heartbreak I once called love. This heartbreak that's shattered me into a million pieces, I WANT TO SCREAM!! I can't breath. I WANT TO CRY! My pride won't let me, yet I feel so alone so lost and so empty. My heart is replaced with a black hole feeding on what light I still hold deep within...why fight it. I've lost her.
Jun 4, 2016
Jun 4, 2016 at 3:06 AM UTC
I've given up on love
I'll stick with my drugs
I've given up on humanity
There is no remedy
I've given up on happiness
For I found it hapless
I've given into brutality
It is my new reality
I've given into sadness
This feeling is ravenous
I've given into loneliness
I just need to process
I've sunken into my darkness
Ready for the madness
I've sunken into the sticky mire
Nothing left to acquirer
I've sunken into the agony
No where left to flee
May 15, 2016
May 15, 2016 at 2:29 PM UTC
In my search for happiness, I turned toward God
I thought he would leave me awed
But being so flawed
All I felt was his lighting rod
He told me those demons where mine
Deal with them myself, He hadn't the time
In my search for happiness I put my heart on the line
But I did it online so I thought it would be fine.
I thought with miles between us I couldn't get hurt
I couldn't get burnt
But I forgot the heart has no eyes
That in matters of love the brain is not wise
I gave my heart, he made me fall
For he was not real after all
In my search for happiness, I turned to drugs
In it's embrace I felt its hugs
They gave me warmth, they gave me peace
When I was down, for them I reached
But they are a great deceiver
Only mocking their receiver
Finally seeing they only betrayed Making my world more decayed
In my search for happiness, I finally quit
It was not easy, I'll have to admit
I gave the universe full control
With life's punches I'll continue to roll
From my hole I'll still look up to the sky
Untill the day I die and I'm free to fly
Apr 1, 2016
Apr 1, 2016 at 1:10 PM UTC
**these days we drift apart,
more often than we know it,
these days, those days are gone,
it's no longer buds and roses.
these days, days feel longer than the are,
these days we are no longer where we were,
these days we no longer hold hands,
these days we no longer hold stance.
these days we are more sad than we appear,
these days time stops and more tears,
these days we pray to be together,not,
these days we simply drift apart..**
Mar 13, 2016
Mar 13, 2016 at 12:12 AM UTC
Never looked for a reason,
or I didn’t realize I was looking for one
until there wasn't one to be found,
Now all I pray for is a reason,
a reason to keep holding on,
to be strong, and to be persuaded.
As if I could be persuaded
to be here, to thrive more
for a life I no longer seek.
January 31, 2016
copyrights Layal Charara
Jan 31, 2016
Jan 31, 2016 at 6:50 AM UTC