#fuckit
what a sick coincidence
some cruel ******* joke
crafted by the god
he so desperately believes in
why would he want me
when he has two daughters
one he’s molding into everything
i refuse to become
the other still clings to his shadow
like it’ll keep her warm
telling me to be more forgiving
as if he ever earned a single ounce of grace
where was he when i needed a father
not a ghost with loud opinions
he disappeared
then returned
acting like he deserved applause for showing up late
to a life he walked out on
you don’t get to pick which parts of me you accept
and still try and call it love
i’m done pretending this day holds any weight
that it means anything more
than a simple **** you
i made it without you
and that is the only thing
worth celebrating
Jun 10, 2025
Jun 10, 2025 at 12:01 AM UTC
Maybe it’s time to give up on love, at least for now. She’s gone for good, and I’m still here, clinging to the ghost of her warmth, pretending it’s real. I tried to be soft, sweet, gentle enough to steady her trembling. I was the lover boy who left the light on just in case she came back, writing poems deep into insomnia-soaked nights, memorizing her laughter like it was something sacred. And all of it for nothing. Now I sit among the dust of who we used to be, in a bed that feels too big for my grief. I gave everything, again and again, like a fool believing that loving harder might make her stay. I never gave up, not after the breakups, not after the heartbreak, not even after the lies, because love is something you’re not supposed to give up on. Not like she did. Each time, I hoped she’d be the one who stayed. But they always go. I’m exhausted. Tired of showing my wounds to people who never cared to heal them. Tired of dreaming up futures with people who only ever rest their heads before leaving again. I feel like love’s unwanted child, tender, yearning, and constantly abandoned. It takes what little I have to offer, whispers promises it never keeps, and leaves me lonelier than before. Still, I try to be softer. Gentler. Even after she left, even after I gave her everything. And now I hear her contemplating him, the one who hurt her for a decade. What was it about him that made her stay? Why couldn’t I be given even a fraction of that devotion? I think I’m done. Someone else can carry this heart now, if they care enough to hold it right. Just know, it bruises easily, and it begs in silence. I’m tired of giving so much just to be enough, for people who never notice how much it costs to be this soft.
May 15, 2025
May 15, 2025 at 3:21 PM UTC
after eight years of friendship
seven years of 'will they, won't they?'
six years of kind-of
five years away
four years of maybe
three years as neighbors
two years as strangers
and one phone call that ended with
"Stay in touch"...
what a countdown it has been
letting you go.
Apr 8, 2020
Apr 8, 2020 at 11:31 PM UTC
I'm an alcoholic
I sleep and dream of drink
I don't care to show it
I don't care what your think,
Come we'll have a party at mine
Come, and don't forget the wine
It doesn't have to be good wine
It could be anything
It can be anything..
cause I'm an alcoholic
I don't care what I drink
could be sweet could be bitter
ah, bitter's much too sweet!
Lets talk about dear ol' you
and all the boring things you do
what goes into my ears I lose
your story's only good with *****
Oh it's incredible; It's unbelievable!..
Oh, what a symbiotic
relationship
you get to be holy
I get to go down with the ship,
Musicians play a dreary tune
I've emptied most of your perfume
We start with two and end with none
I think I've had myself some fun
Yes I did, I think I did..
It's gotta be demonic
this possessive urge
but you know when I'm on it
I don't feel the purge,
The world is a merry ol' place
I think I'm in love with my face
Come sit down, admire my face
Come sit down, don't be a disgrace
You stupid cow, you filthy dog..
Ah, where's the logic?
we're not made of it
You think I'm neurotic
I think you're incredibly fit,
You wanna show you wanna prove
But I already know the truth
from worried man the missing link
that leads to blissful ape is drink.
So have a drink, lets have a drink..
Apr 24, 2019
Apr 24, 2019 at 5:07 AM UTC
God is the rabbit
the dogs chase, and when they stop,
Satan, the excuse
Feb 1, 2019
Feb 1, 2019 at 8:02 PM UTC
Black
White
White and black
Search for a hint of color
But they ran away with you
Search for my tears
Look for my smile
But it’s nowhere to be seen
Not without you
Funny how I can take
Longer sips of my cigarette
Funny how nothing
Can make me move as fast
Funny how my pain
Has changed shape now
Funny how my pain
Looks like our silhouette
Or maybe like the ashes
I dust in the astray
Or the fallen pieces
Of the far past
Funny how nothing deserves my care
Funny how I can only stare
Why ain’t the world fair
Why aren't you near
Jan 27, 2019
Jan 27, 2019 at 7:47 AM UTC
Wash away my sins
Im the devil in the angels garden
unbound me from this guilt
I am creation of my own catastrophe
I will let my scars bleed dry
I will my screams suffocate the silence
I will embrace the my wild and burn for my truth.
Apr 18, 2018
Apr 18, 2018 at 1:44 AM UTC
And if I had a backspace button to erase every
word you ever planted in my mind
Every lie about loving me
Every stone they spat that aimed at ebbing away
at my existence
Every kiss I got from poisonous lips
Every snake that slithered into my life and out
leaving despair
I'd erase until there was nothing left
But in life that luxury doesn't exist, but I'm still
the author of this story
So I aim to ink every page after with words,feelings and thoughts that defy those that stained my pages in tears and blood.
Because for every lie, deception and hate that filled pages and left no room, the light inside me that I somehow generated from the desire to overcome, to grow and to be happy will fill a thousand pages more....
Apr 5, 2018
Apr 5, 2018 at 1:44 PM UTC
Letters by letter by letter
These thoughts and emotions
Pour from my head to my heart,
Through my veins.
They reach my fingertips,
Tapping eagerly on the side of my laptop
But then I hear it,
What if it sounds stupid? What if no one cares what you have to say?
Her voice, no, my voice,
Doubtful, hurting, scared.
But the thoughts keep pumping
my fingers violently throb
It all happens like a blur,
I have to get these words out
Or everything will explode
Into a dizzy array of sparkling light
So I type and I type and I type
I type till my fingers go numb
And my eyes are glazed over
And it doesn't hurt to breathe anymore.
And despite her many warnings,
When I click 'save',
She quietens down
And anxiety doesn't hold me back.
Mar 12, 2018
Mar 12, 2018 at 6:34 AM UTC
It’s been two days since I saw your name
My heart falls into my stomach whenever I do.
I turn to my crutches and hope they fill the hole inside me.
They don’t though
Very few things do anymore.
Writing helps, though I shouldn’t indulge this emotion. Not like this.
It’s been two days since my soul rebelled.
I hope it comes home soon.
My body can’t sustain
Feb 18, 2018
Feb 18, 2018 at 3:48 PM UTC
Suicidal tendencies;
Man are they hard to shake.
I guess its kinda ******** to wanna take
Ur own life
Away.
To me its just part of most days.
I look at living as a silly little game.
Constant effort to trasmute the pain,
To shut off my brain
So that I can simply
Exist.
A 44 n a flick if the wrist,
Or score sum more n slip into bliss.
Make sure she's got no sores on her lips
Before planting another ***** with that first kiss.
A vertical slit of the wrists
I've thought often of the many many ways
To cross off the list.
But really, when I take my own life
If i decide in a monent of emotional feedback so loud it drowns out my natural effervescence
It'll be from taking flight.
Cause u know how much I like to get high
N how hard
I *** down.
Ear to ground
Still listening for the secret
N searching for the sound.
I get lost n then found
Then lost
Again
I really don't have any friends
Just acquaintances
I don't remember what day it is
But I sure can feel the pull of the moon
I love these orange pressie pills, I start nibbling at noon
I used to believe in love, now my heart has no more room.
Desperate doom.
I'm such a romantic
That I'm incapable of loving humans any more.
More efficient to go ahead n make that score.
My heart like a massive tree house so many floors.
So many many ways in,
All boarded shut
If I was a girl they'd call me a ****
Cause I **** every night, my ***** mouth n ****
Cause I can never get
Enuf of love.
Thank god for drugs.
Why is it that in Alaska no one hugs,
Santa Cruz -- home of the pacifist banana slugs.
No more war,
I'm retired from battling
History repeats itself
Like a broken ******* record.
My past is checkered,
But not as hard as my future
I'm going in deep with the drugs
Working out all the bugs
In this new system.
Do u know what its like to b ****** on
By the ones fr above.
I'm smoothing out my pistons
Ready to race.
Beginning a new phase,
Where no one gets my heart, not even me.
A new start.
Now wearing the glove,
Cause I'm nearing the finishing lines.
I've definitely had
enuf of love.
Feb 4, 2018
Feb 4, 2018 at 6:04 PM UTC
I'm scared you'll run away If I tell you what is wrong
You can not promise you will stay
There's a pattern and I'm starting to catch on
You see, you'll act like you care
Everyone always does
But when you are needed you won't ever be there
So I turn to my drinks to feel that familiar buzz.
Nov 13, 2017
Nov 13, 2017 at 9:05 PM UTC
Being unwanted isn't new to me. Infact I was shocked to find myself on the verge of tears when I found out you don't want nor care about me. I hate what you do to me. I hate that you're my weakness and you don't give a **** I hate that nothing I do fazes you. I hate you.
Nov 12, 2017
Nov 12, 2017 at 10:52 PM UTC
I always play tough,
That's how I have to be,
I can't give these mfs the satisfaction from when they played with me,
My mama always told me,
To never let them see that side of you,
Don't let them get to you,
They'll abuse you and use you,
And
They'll walk away,
Knowingly bruising you,
It always take that one time,
Don't let it be two...
Sep 3, 2016
Sep 3, 2016 at 1:39 AM UTC
I'm drowning yet I stand in no water,
civilization is the curse of my existence
it weights upon every aspect of me.
Do this, don't do that, I am man I am free.
But they do not listen for greed is upon fake
prophets that only think of what they can
accumulate before the reaper kisses there soul
and all that is left is regrets and nothing more.
"Spin the wheel your fate is there's to play,
Be one with the world, live life, don't do as
your told freedom is your chosen choice.
We are now like hen pecking in out squalid
corner, when really we shouldn't be drowning
Jun 24, 2016
Jun 24, 2016 at 3:42 PM UTC
With tears in your eyes, you begged me to stay.
I said "I love you girl, but no ******* way."
For months and months, I've been hoping you'd see.
That the way that you are is just killing me.
It might **** me to leave you, I might **** myself.
But even taking my life is better than being left on your shelf.
Apr 17, 2016
Apr 17, 2016 at 1:09 AM UTC
My points aren’t touching ground.
Plucked up by a spine
Holding my pages together
When the library is going up in smoke
Paper doesn’t need to breathe
It just needs to be the channel
The background of the universe
Bleeding itself into reality
Apr 11, 2016
Apr 11, 2016 at 12:45 PM UTC
Don't hold on to anything. Nothing is where we all begin and where are we all will end. Everything in between is just a continuation of the unknown process that we all exist within.
Love means nothing, age is everything, we are dirt and dinosaurs. Absence is a relevant. Feelings are meaningless. Do everything, do nothing, no matter the outcome, nothing matters. We are matter.
Fly high, until you reach the stars or until your wax melts and your wings burn. The Sun'll burn us all away in time.
Don't hold on to anything, just let go and fall or float because we are all in the void.
Apr 9, 2016
Apr 9, 2016 at 4:58 AM UTC
You want to see a smile on my face
Wait a minute while I get my paste
Oh **** that
This is where I'm at
Mar 21, 2016
Mar 21, 2016 at 11:11 AM UTC
I really believed in you,
But I found out that was a big mistake too.
For all the promises that you have failed to keep,
I pretend that you love me,
So I can get some sleep.
I held on to you so tight,
When we were together,
Everything felt so right.
You were once the one who kept me sane,
Now you’re the one who is causing me all this pain.
The memories all come flashing back,
I wish I knew then, who was hiding behind that mask.
For all the promises you have failed to keep,
I find it hard, not to lose myself esteem.
My heart can’t take anymore lies,
Or soul crushing goodbyes.
I can’t take anymore flesh cutting tears,
Or four more wasted years.
For all the promises you have failed to keep,
I delete every memory of you , so I can get some sleep.
Mar 15, 2016
Mar 15, 2016 at 8:10 PM UTC
sure we have friends
and family too,
but in the end
it's really only you,
nobody else to
guide you through,
at the end of the day,
when the night comes,
and the light runs away,
it's the demons & the monsters, cue
to attack you, as you lay silently
allowing them to take over you politely,
sure we have friends,
and family too,
but at the end of the day,
you're the only person who can
guide yourself through.
Feb 21, 2016
Feb 21, 2016 at 2:06 PM UTC
**I miss you
Now you only exist through photographs
And I wonder if you smile between the frozen moments I see of you
I plead its true
Cause I'm bleeding new negatives of myself
But the only pain I've felt was putting you on a shelf
I can't see it any different
I think of you an infant and now I see you crawling and I wanna call your momma but I wonder if it matters and when to cut ties
I cut all the veins until most of it died
I got blood on my hands but most of it dried
Somehow the blood mixed with filth and a vine grew inside
And I wonder if I can touch your face if I climb**
***When is all lost?
When its all tossed aside and goes out with the tide?
I need a vanilla sky to make a horizon and bring back the water
Meanwhile I hear mommas having a daughter and I want her to be a doctor automatically
Cause success is something none of us ever got to see***
Dec 21, 2015
Dec 21, 2015 at 3:21 PM UTC
Im 18 now..
Yet all I wanted for my birthday was to disappear
Surrounded by laughing friends
Filled with hate
Is that a way to live a life?
****** off at everything
Maybe another year will bring new answers
And not more problems
Oct 28, 2015
Oct 28, 2015 at 4:08 AM UTC