#fatherless
It was the daddy daughter dance one night
I looked for you, but you were nowhere in sight.
Isabelle, Emily, and Conner, too
Were dancing with their daddies unlike me and you.
It was my seventh birthday
So naturally I looked for you
But my eyes couldn’t find you
In a sea of faces I looked
But not being able to find you…
It was nothing new.
I got my first phone at ten
I messaged most of my relatives,
Including men.
Uncle Jackson,
Cousin Smith,
Uncle Thomas and Tyler
But I was missing my fifth
And you were it.
I sent you a text one Friday night
I checked every day of the week
Dawn, dusk and twilight.
Even a blue checkmark would be nice
Even a reply as cold as ice.
But none came
As always,
Just the same.
There’s an empty place in my heart
That only you can fill
But it appears we’ve only grown further apart
The bond between us you killed
(If there was a bond in the first place)
But there never was
So that gap in my heart is simply an open space.
I’m sure by now you don’t care,
But in case you do
I’ve learned to love
Both the ravens and the doves.
And you’re not a raven or a dove
So I suppose I’ll try and love you
Even if it’s a drop of love,
Even if it’s very few.
2d ago
Jun 1, 2026 at 4:32 PM UTC
Black hair
Sharp jaw
But too short
Sharp jaw
Black hair
But its not as
messy as yours
Or as it used to be
These strangers arent you
And they never will be
Sometimes i hope it is you
Hope you will hug me
Miss me
But its not
Not you
Never you
Not love
Never love
I wish i could punch you
Hit you
Kick you
But really i would just cry
Cry that i never got the chance to miss you
Because you where never there
Your just a stranger
And so is he
I hate you
dad.
Apr 21
Apr 21, 2026 at 5:08 AM UTC
In the quiet moments, I feel so small,
A weight on my heart, like a shadow’s call.
Each day feels heavy, like a storm in my chest,
Searching for comfort, for a moment of rest.
I wear a brave face, but inside, I’m torn,
A child in the darkness, feeling lost and worn.
Whispers of doubt echo deep in my mind,
In a world full of noise, it’s so hard to find.
Fatherless nights wrap around me tight,
In the silence, I search for a flicker of light.
I scribble my pain on flesh I use as paper,
Hoping that somehow, I’ll find a tomorrow.
Each tear that I shed is a story I tell,
Of dreams left behind in a shadowy shell..
Oct 18, 2024
Oct 18, 2024 at 12:43 AM UTC
Phather Phantasm
Half-seen in my half-stare,
half-believing you are there.
Faded memories and faded thoughts,
raindrops falling on sun-seared rock,
quickly come, and quickly part.
I was eleven when you did not die;
you took your leave, never saying goodbye.
And I, the fool, follow the fool
walking barefoot on broken glass,
and tread upon the blood-stained shards,
waiting to wound me ere I pass.
Jan 6, 2021
Jan 6, 2021 at 4:53 PM UTC
my past is filled with oedipal encounters:
many men i needed to rival
today i unintentionally travelled (really?)
today i involuntarily travelled (no way)
today i travelled into my past:
memories of many men that i needed to rival.
due to my fatherless childhood i didn't have
a man to compete against; that's why i JUMPED at countless chances to do so. none of these conflicts happened by chance.
i picked strangers to compete against.
but then there was this day. a certain day. a secret night.
since then, i have gradually and later on gently overcome my need to compete.
i was bewildered today because i competed against another man. why?
out of the dark, i developed an affection for a woman younger than me; a brief moment of ****** interest. the competitor involved walked her home after a meeting the three of us had been together.
while they were strolling down the street, i followed them. i wanted to see what they were doing. i wanted to observe how they observed each other's attraction.
did so for a couple of minutes; they didn't take notice of me; or they were playing dead while their mouths were overfilled with squishing sounds of saliva.
and then –– as promptly as old patterns of rivalry had emerged ––
i lost my affection for this young woman.
affection left my soul like a spirit leaves a dead body. the affection vanished into thin air since it couldn't find a shelter in my soul. so this wired affection went on a quest for another creature.
i didn't say goodbye. just wrote something down.
Dec 21, 2019
Dec 21, 2019 at 7:43 AM UTC
ten minutes ago
i was talking to a woman
whose background i'm
aware of
this woman was pretty and she looked
at me with ****** interest
however: i moved my left arm in
a way that is related to my background as
a fatherless boy
rejection in her eyes the consequence
BUT:
i will never stop to move my arms as i learned moving them
–– precisely this way –– in my childhood
nobody –– male female animal or object –– is able to change this:
i do not need anybody trying.
feel me. that's how i am.
self-acceptance. self-love. courage.
Dec 15, 2019
Dec 15, 2019 at 11:18 AM UTC
I beheld the arms of a fallen babe
it's lifeless breath
inches in this world
and the air has given way
to their undeveloped lungs..
a precious soul
never to know
the sun's skin
as it kisses and darkens,
tints and caresses
gone too soon
never to know of
their mother & father
I beheld a fallen babe
lifeless in my arms
leaving a mother to know
the sorrow
of missing their
..first born..
Shalom
Apr 6, 2019
Apr 6, 2019 at 11:41 PM UTC
I tell myself I don’t want him,
I tell myself,
I tell myself
But then I cry so hard
Going in reverse to a place that I’ve never yet been.
It’s supposed to get easier,
That’s what they tell you,
But this is only ever weighing heavier.
I could try to be what I imagine you’d have wanted,
But why should your mistakes make me feel ashamed?
And because of my existence I never
Want to give you what you want.
I guess I should hide the anger from my eyes,
But why prevent it when all you feel is volatile and pathetic?
Complaints when I hold it in and accusations when I don’t,
Sometimes I feel I should just hold kindness for myself.
When I have time I feel exhausted,
Later I feel like a failure to have let him win again:
It shouldn’t matter,
It shouldn’t matter.
They’d probably tell me negative affirmations don’t work,
Except to me they’re stating positives.
I’m trying to make it okay,
I’m trying to be better.
Always, I say, I don’t want him
And now his nonexistent thoughts won’t go away,
It must be my fault for becoming upset because really he’s done nothing
(Even if I can’t claim that without my own blood boiling),
Teasing myself with non-realities, with fairytales and broken dreams of a type of heaven I will never see.
My small voice murmurs,
“I want it, please.”
My brain tells me it would be better not to breathe.
In the dark it likes to help me,
Supporting in my self-destruction,
Simply because why shouldn’t it?
It’s a weapon I can use to back up anything no matter the relevance.
I’ve subtracted all the logical ways this could ever matter,
Yet it’s still here waiting for me to succumb,
Lately it gets pointless to want to hold back.
Nevertheless, with every single thought I have a defence
Because I never want anyone else to win,
I need to be ready,
I need to be able to show them all:
That this never meant a thing to me.
That just wouldn’t make sense,
To admit such sacrificial things
When I shouldn’t be the one to feel bad,
So no, just because I know it’s his fault,
Does not mean his absence hurts me.
It’s all just softly (painstakingly) nonexistent to me.
Mar 8, 2019
Mar 8, 2019 at 6:05 PM UTC
the boy was fatherless
the day was the feast
the boy stood beside the wall
he had more sadness
the poor is the worst
he had not money at all
the torn was his appearance
he could not say a word
or buy any valuable
the prophet saw him in clearance
he approached and asked
" why don't you stand beside the wall?"
"Why don't appear the happiness?"
he said, "oh! sir prophet Muhammad
my father was killed at a case
i have no money to buy a game at all
or buy a new cloth"
the prophet wipe his head
he said," are you accept me to be your father
and my wife be your mother"
the boy smile and his tears were ascended
the prophet took him to the home at speed
he ordered his wife to wash him
and brought him a new cloth and a game
the boy became happy
he thanked the prophet and became gratefully
Mar 8, 2019
Mar 8, 2019 at 12:13 PM UTC
Dear father,
I still remember the last time I saw you
It's funny, because you looked just the same as you always did
Like someone
Who was never really mine.
Like a stranger in disguise
Who's reality only exists
When I close my eyes and fantasize about you being in my life
But I guess
When you heard you should live your life without
Regret
You mistook that for my name
And I wonder if you will ever understand the pain
Of knowing someone only when you imagine them
Or loving someone who thought
Never talk to strangers
Was a lesson best learnt by example
But they say actions speak louder than words
And you became so consumed by your own self worth to really give a **** about who you hurt
So you became the expert
At manipulating words
Like turning
I love yous into sorrys
And
Tomorrows into yesterdays
Until it was safe to say I couldn't count on you
Dear father,
Because of you
I constantly found myself falling in love with things that could never love me back
I became infatuated with sandcastle and snowflakes
Addicted to temporary moments
Addicted to broken
Thought if I learnt to fix things
Then somehow
I might find the manuscript
To piecing the shattered part of my being whole again
Because of you
I spent years trying to cover this skin that you left me with
Tried decorating these scars
With tattooed hopes
To remind myself
That sometimes
Some things
Were made to last forever
Because of you,
For years I avoided looking into the mirror
Because I never truly knew
If you could love someone
You only ever met in passing
You see
I mistook your ***** for water
I never realised I was internally drowning in your poison
I thought I needed you to stay afloat
It took me a long time to realise
That ***** was just your way of relieving yourself from blame
You became a box full of things
I packed away the day you left
But I've stopped trying to hold on to your burden
So I've taken out my smile
And I'll wear it with pride
And Dear father,
Did you know
That if you repeat a word enough times
Then eventually the word will start to lose it's meaning?
And I've stopped wishing I was still young enough to understand
What the word father meant
And now no know
That if I ever see you again
Then you will look just the same as you always did
Like someone
who doesn't deserve to be mine
Jan 16, 2019
Jan 16, 2019 at 9:52 PM UTC
I sat back and watched everything you did,
You abused her and used her,
You were so ****** up you couldn’t even see,
You had god starring you right in you eyes,
She was your savior,
You were killing yourself and she loved you,
more than you ever could dream of loving you,
But you left,
No explanation,
Not a goodbye or see you later,
I knew then that this world was a ****** up place,
From that day forward I hated you,
For everything you did to her,
Hell if I could of killed you that night I would of,
26 years later and I’m glad to see you got your **** together,
Cause now you have another little me.
Sep 26, 2018
Sep 26, 2018 at 8:52 AM UTC
When he was eighteen
Went to his mom to confess
Mom I'm gay
All I do is think of men
Dream of two or three at a time
From Sunup till forever
Staying on my knees never getting up
I'm going amputate my feet
Donate them to an amputee
Not one to be wasteful
Hope this don't make you sick mom
Called his father who answered just to scream
Don't call me ***
Then the familiar sound of the phone hitting the ground
Starts laughing cause this happens every time he calls
Six hundred spent on replacements
His mother goes to interrupt he cuts her off
Mom there's more
I'm addicted to gay ****
To the point I seen everyone
Now I watch straight and my stomach turns seeing the girl
Would've told you sooner but I didn't want you to be like dad
Your all I got
But I been busting nuts for years staring at men's butts
One day, and this bad
But I almost ***** the mailman
But Saved by the Bell came on and Zack is my favorite
Hope I haven't let you down
I hope you still love me
I hope.... She cuts him off
With a long strong embrace
Few tears falling down her face
Love whoever you want
Be with anyone you choose
I'll always want what I always wanted for you
Just to be happy
You have never disappointed me
Until now
Remember those nights when you was five
I sat and held you to calm you after your father left you
The anger you had at fourteen and took out on me
The lost time we had cause of the two jobs I had in order for us to make it
But most important
Don't you remember the most important thing I taught you
If you did you wouldn't be sitting here telling this story
It's a good one and if I wasn't so hurt I would make you prove it
I can't believe this is how you do me knowing I'll die fighting for you
This ain't your first lie but it's by far the worst lie
I'm seeing what I always been afraid of
You being like him
She came by today to let you know in person being you quit taking her calls
You were gone so she told me that you should know
She's not pregnant
But now what bothers me more is
What if she was
Aug 9, 2018
Aug 9, 2018 at 11:01 PM UTC
Age 4, Your father broke your heart before any boy had the chance too.
Your life will be completely different without a father
Age 5, No one to call you princess
You cry when you see your friend's father call them princess
Age 6, No one to hug you when you cry from bullies
You hate going to school
Age 7, No one to tell you "I'll beat up every guy that hurts you"
You don't get to laugh when he says that
Age 8, No one to tell you are beautiful
You hate your body and think your fat
Age 9, No one to tell you "It's okay"
You cry yourself to sleep every night
Age 10, No one to tell you, "You are perfect"
You think you are the ugliest person in your school
Age 11, No one to tell you, "You are too young for boys"
You get your heart broken over and over too young
Age 12, Your father is not there
You miss him and ask yourself why he left
Age 13, Being told you have "Daddy Issues"
Age 14, No father to tell you, "You look beautiful without make up"
You beat your face with make up
Age 15, No father to say to your first date, "If you hurt her, I will **** you"
You get hurt
Age 16, No one to dance with you when they call in daddy daughter dance on your sweet sixteen
You ask yourself why he left again
Age 17, No one to tell you to change out of that clothes because he knows guys couldn't resist
You might get *****
Age 18, No one to tell you, "My little princess, you have come so far, I am a proud father"
You see all your friend's father telling them this and miss you
Age 19, No one to warn you about ***** boys
You have to fight off a guy
Age 20, No one to tell your boyfriend, "I have a rifle, I am not afraid to use it"
You don't get to say "Dad!!!"
18+ age, No one to walk you down the aisle
You tell yourself, "I made it, I made it through the good and bad"
You have a husband or wife or neither, you made it without him.
You made it through the tears, the heart aches, the pain of missing him. He missed your whole life, you realize he didn't deserve you or seeing your life grow.
Aug 5, 2018
Aug 5, 2018 at 1:29 AM UTC
The pain is like an ocean;
The waves crashing inside my chest,
Allowing me to envision myself drowning in it all,
And I feel I could search the whole sea
Without ever finding what I need.
I am aware that nothing's ever perfect,
But in my heart I feel like it could have been possible,
Although my head knows that I'm wrong.
I simply was not meant to have a father.
But do you know how much it hurts?
They say 'it never rains but it pours',
And I feel as though this hurt inside me is like an everlasting thunderstorm.
It subsides eventually for a few moments,
But it's all you remember as if the sunny spells in between were nothing.
This makes me feel like nothing.
Why wasn't I good enough?
Why did I not deserve to have a father? I cry inside in wonder.
Then I list the reasons
And I wait for ways to feel better,
Except I've never stopped waiting.
I try so hard to find a way to fix this,
Because it makes me feel so broken,
It never makes a difference though,
Because there's no solution.
May 5, 2018
May 5, 2018 at 10:44 PM UTC
but, who needs fathers anyway?
we "fatherless daughters"
we are strong.
we don't need any man.
we fight.
on our own.
everyday.
the never ending battle.
but, in the end
who needs them?
(l.j.t.)
May 4, 2018
May 4, 2018 at 10:53 AM UTC
Your toothbrush next to mine, your shoes on the rack, your favourite mug & your pyjamas that I now can’t go to sleep without. Everything makes me feel like you’re here with me.
You know how the sunlight gives the pond beautiful algae, but the same algae leaves fishes breathless? Likewise, I feel so suffocated by your presence.
Every single thing only serves to remind me of your absence. I realise then, that I’m alone in this place. I am without a father. I’m crippled and incomplete and I’m alone and I’m without you.
Mar 16, 2018
Mar 16, 2018 at 11:10 PM UTC
Can you blame me? Yea I was in and out the bed, goin to and from men, looking for affection.
You can love another child that's not yours, give them hugs, buy them gifts, all the while treating my like **** like I'm some kid off the streets. Or some so so child you gotta babysit?
I'm sorry for the things I've done, but this wouldn't have happened, if you hadn't did what you done.
You gave me all I wanted in the world for a minute, but then I mess up, own up, and you dismiss me like 'forget it'? Not even a third chance, you brushed me off like dirt on your pants.
You expect me to strong, but you don't answer when I call, and you get angry when someone talks to you about me, and then put me at fault, when really your the one that made the push that ultimately led to my fall.
You told me you'd always be there, that you'd love me through it all, but clearly all you care about is that woman you call your wife, she's just temporary,at anytime she could drop out your life.
But me? I'm permanent. You can take that to the bank, but daddy why I gotta ask; for me do you have so much hate?
Jan 21, 2018
Jan 21, 2018 at 2:12 AM UTC
That is how I feel
To forgive has left me without strength
That child with all the love to give is all grown up
Like a full grown tree I don’t need your watering
My roots go down real deep
In Christ I found solace stability and love
Love craved for from you
Strong trees don’t usually confess but I wasn’t always strong
I didn’t understand
I wish I never knew you
That I could cook up your goodness and intended love if you’d had the opportunity
But you weren’t dead,dad
You were simply absent
And me
I was simply fatherless
Your could have been a better dad
Or better dead
Nov 2, 2017
Nov 2, 2017 at 6:21 AM UTC
I know I won't get as angry I want to be,
And I'll regret me,
Because I'm never able to do it;
She always changes something,
Somehow it always gets better for her,
But it just gets worse for me.
I just become more guilty,
Even only by listening.
I feel like I can never really express my feelings,
Yet I still seem to do it too much,
Then I still fall.
So many things are happening,
This always repeats;
It has horrible timing.
If ignorance is a good thing,
Why is it so hard to actually
Keep it?
And I keep picturing loads of the same things.
When I'm not sure what I feel,
Maybe I hide from it.
I peak and when I see
I can no longer believe
So I just wait to weep.
I've no clue what to say,
Without any more delay,
I'll race through the page,
Give it all a way
In factual content:
I'll probably seem fine.
But it's not that way at all.
Sep 29, 2017
Sep 29, 2017 at 6:36 PM UTC
Where is the twinkle
the one who shots across
my vision,
my star....
I look and see a starless void.
You were meant to guide me,
but you are vacant like the sky.
Aug 24, 2017
Aug 24, 2017 at 10:27 AM UTC
My biological "father" is currently in jail. I cut him out of my life.
My mother raised me. I'm glad she's in my life.
My grandfather who I call my father raised me but died when I was 5. I'm angry he's not in my life.
What I'm saying here is that I lost my "father" to drugs and alcohol. But I lost my father due to cancer.
Aug 12, 2017
Aug 12, 2017 at 11:16 PM UTC
It hurts sometimes
It screams inside
Is this pain really mine?
It clenches together in my insides
Making me dream, wishing for a better time.
I'll do just fine
That's always my line.
If something's not there
You're supposed to bring yourself to it,
But what can I seek
when whatever I need
ceases to exist out of my mind?
They say my reckless head helps me,
I tell myself I can use it to encourage myself,
But still it hurts me all the same.
You see, I use it to give what I haven't got
It's of no use because it kills with a slightly stronger dose.
I can try to forget
It can't last long,
Nothing's supposed to be pain free.
However there's other things
I just can't be bothered to feel,
And if I almost do I just stop:
Because they're not the most important;
They don't come back day by day,
Just to join me in the night.
I never had a "daddy" to sing a lullaby.
For years I didn't want one,
Half convinced still I wasn't missing out,
Yet now it's starting to hurt
Then I realise I'll never find my soulmate.
The percentage isn't in my favour,
How could it ever be?
How do you find your one person
out of 7.5 billion?
If I can't have a father,
how could I get an eternal partner?
Lacking strengthens my need,
For that perfect guy in my head to love me.
He's not here though,
And he never will be,
Tough as it is, I'll never be away from him.
Lack creates need,
tries to make up for things:
This is how it feels when you can't fill either gap.
Spaces are filled by made up places.
Spaces are areas without meaning,
Places are of meaning or association, unempty.
The space is one half of a non-existing f a m i l y.
My place is where I can have a future boyfriend made of better things.
My reckless head
Is supposed to give hope and safety,
Shelter me from reality.
My reckless head
Don't they know it breaks me,
To dream of things
That can never be?
Spaces are there.
Places are put there.
Needed
Unwanted
Despair
Desired
Anyone else there?
Is there a difference that you see?
All my minor sorrows seem the same to me.
Jun 3, 2017
Jun 3, 2017 at 8:31 PM UTC
I won't be anything to you, you
Who planted the seed in confusion
Never knew I would be a product
A spawn of accident I was
Swimming in mystery, living without thought
You became a man of higher proportions
Seven feet tall in a blurry photograph
In my dreams you stood unnecessarily
Before I knew myself, I barely knew you
Giving you a second chance
Might have been the scariest thing to him
There is no fixing what was never there
No hating what I never loved
I'm stuck with confusion as well
Who am I supposed to call Father?
Aug 15, 2016
Aug 15, 2016 at 1:58 PM UTC
I wish I had a father
Maybe that would have made me a better lover
Don’t they say that children from broken families
These children are the ones with the tragedies
I wish I knew what it feels like
to be daddy’s little girl
To be protected
in a shell just like a beautiful white pearl
I have so many questions
I also have a confession
Out of all the things in the world
One can pick from
I wish he had picked me
I wish he could tell me stories about my skinned knees
I don’t know how to ride a bicycle
Isn’t that one of the first things you learn in a life cycle?
He didn’t help me get off the training wheels
I cant let people love me
I don’t know much
but I do know
How messed up that sounds to be
Aug 19, 2015
Aug 19, 2015 at 1:02 PM UTC