#comedic
By: The Drifter from Heaven
Sugar cookies—remind me of your skin,
Chocolate cake—your eyes within,
Red wine—a flaming scene,
Ham and eggs—a morning delight, it seems.
A cup of coffee—wild embrace so obscene,
Pancakes for two—our love's alarm,
An apple in my eye—your alluring beauty shines,
Healthy foods—your charm and brain combined.
Ice cream on your lips—my greatest crime,
Pizza nights with you—my heart's Valentine,
Whisky in your hand—my fatal charm chimes,
Burger and fries—your love's tempest smile,
Coke for me—a taste of us walking down the aisle.
Mar 29
Mar 29, 2026 at 9:07 AM UTC
I take raucous musings
from Suzie and Jill Bean
I come and I take all the cheer that I need
I come in the night
under guise of meeting
But I can't help myself but to mooch off their glee.
when it comes to jack-ie
Tax the squeezes I need
I'll put pen to paper and write a decree
He is destined to be a slick thief like me
Do not steal rakishi
Or he'll be a banshee
Thats a warning
Just let him be free
To pillage your gaiety
While his medulla and cortex are forming.
I'll steal chats at soirees
with my daddy big J
Rob him blind of his hugs like their silver.
Swipe his prep for doomsday
nick his knickknacks and trinkets from his doo-dad cache
And if there's spare time, drink his tonic and lime, then go find some more **** to pilfer.
****** the good vibes I require most
Over coffee and the morning post
With my bad mama jama Bonnie Nogin
I know that it's not kind to boast,
And you may say I do the most,
But robbery from sweet Bon-nee's my slogan.
For wisdom, wit and silly tales, I must turn to marv and gram.
I waste their precious time,
With my anecdotes and rhymes,
And I embezzle their well wishes,
That's my scam.
I come and I stay
I make off with clean laundray
They'll fall asleep that day none the wiser.
I'll filch a tale of times back then,
Snake away a fountain pen
Call my accountant
Tell him bring his bright green visor.
And I'll save the best for last,
A sucker I have long harassed.
A doe-eyed rube I once met in Byeloroossia
I'll purloin just what I need
And revel in my greed
They will beg and pry and steal
But they will not strike a deal
For my Danushka
I misappropriate love-funds
Plunder wisdom from loved-ones
I'm a rotten no good stinking bandit
I do not give refunds
I thieve mirth from buds in tons
I must demand it.
Mar 21
Mar 21, 2026 at 5:11 AM UTC
My wife sent me down to the store
She said buy this and not one thing more
I returned having spent
At least two months rent
Now my wife is passed out in the floor
Jan 2
Jan 2, 2026 at 8:34 PM UTC
The difference between the 'Big Men,'
And I is I'm willing to be comedic relief,
Because I know we really need it.
Feb 21, 2025
Feb 21, 2025 at 4:17 PM UTC
When you express yourself,
The minute the thoughts come out,
That's when the guns come out;
YEAH, BABY! COME GET SOME!
I'M EAGER FOR BATTLE
AND WILLING TO BE A SOLDIER!
MARCHING ORDERS, MADAM!
AT YOUR WORD, SIR!
IF I CAN'T DO IT,
IT'S BECAUSE I'VE ALREADY DONE IT.
EXACTLY TO YOUR DECLARATIONS,
FOLLOWED TO THE LETTER YOUR INSTRUCTIONS!
A humble, level-headed person.
Feb 15, 2025
Feb 15, 2025 at 12:18 AM UTC
Four hobbits are to do one thing...
Two flex and look commited.
Two whine, while clinging to a ring
They have been tasked to yeet!
How many hobbits must it take
To dispossess a nay-lord?
Up to what Gendalf can't forsake
Due to increasing payload.
I have become a tyrant beyond limits!
Man prostrates, elvish people begs.
Alas, I have a mortal weakness.
Short people with absurdly hairy legs.
There's nothing in this world beyond my power,
There's nothing in my sight beyond my grip.
But **** this helmet that resembles static tower.
I cannot register the men below 5 feet.
If only I could tilt my head a little,
I could have spotted little rascals go!
I could have stayed forever ancient evil
Whilst having healthy posture over all!
Nov 23, 2024
Nov 23, 2024 at 12:59 PM UTC
water
a place for a lemon to make lemonade
Maybe add all this sugar
it’s cheat day today
and it’s your birthday
Sweet tooth to being smooth
Just speak the truth
and you’ll be cool
nobody likes liars
lets talk about what’s required
Lemons are just a mock to limes
how actors are a mock to mimes
but that’s off topic lets get back to limes
limes are chill
and they’re not like that bitter person you see on the street
it’s like a treat
lime water is fresh
but here’s the twist to this whole poem
you know what actually sounds better?
a watermelo
Apr 5, 2019
Apr 5, 2019 at 1:18 AM UTC
Bob Dylan’s hats mean more to me than a requited lust for fame.
On our screens over the summer months,
with it’s logo slapped obnoxiously onto the water cooler -
covering more pressing concerns.
As people rant and rave, the so called stars of the show are prominent for a matter of days.
In their fifteen minutes of fame they become better recognised than a man called Dave.
Some are hated for things they have said or done.
trending on twitter and being memed from day one.
But as the winter solace rolls into place
Everyone forgets the familiar face
that pranced and clapped on morning TV
What was his name again who was he?
What once was a Dave is more like a Huxley or Mort.
He was far too easy to replace, when fame hit abort.
Mar 11, 2019
Mar 11, 2019 at 8:04 PM UTC
When
my first girlfriend broke up with me
she
was as cold as
the very vacuum of space
she said
that I ****
Dec 14, 2018
Dec 14, 2018 at 6:36 PM UTC
how to have a good
haiku: make sure you do not
run out of sylla-
****
Sep 22, 2018
Sep 22, 2018 at 5:29 PM UTC
I get this feeling
This feeling inside
Whenever I see you
I want you to die
I want to break you
Into so many pieces
Just like my heart
When you ate my Reese's
You knew it was mine
I saved it many days
But you just took it
And ate it anyways
I'll hate you forever
To your final breath
I hope you suffer
A terrible death
RIP Reese's PB Cup 2018
May 11, 2018
May 11, 2018 at 9:29 PM UTC
Get into my Hyundai
I call it my Ferrari
It goes hard when I'm at the wheel
Take me for a test drive
I'll show you how it feels
A body so hot it will make you melt
I'll take you to heights
you've never even felt.
©2018 Written By Benji James
Apr 16, 2018
Apr 16, 2018 at 5:58 AM UTC
Hey, hey, been racking my brain
Thinking of something to say
about my confusing sexuality
Sorry for leaving you guessing
because not figuring it out
gets kind of depressing
Am I right, or am I right
Not sure I can't decide
Don't think I'm Bi
All of this thinking
Is hurting my head
So let me put it this way instead...
Doesn't matter if I'm straight or gay
Don't get laid anyway
Every time I try, get the evil eye
Looks like another night
For Me, myself and I
It's alright girl, always get the same reply
Thanks for giving me a little of your time
To ask the question, if you're interested in some sexin'
Thanks for a little of your attention
Thanks for your rejection
It's just another night
For me, myself and I
And my Pornhub search is very extensive
Lucky I'm not a subscriber,
that would probably be expensive
Premium's what you need, Nah not me
I like it like I like my women, free.
And this attitudes why you aren't getting any
Sorry just a guy with a little decency
Can you hear me on my ***** frequency
And imagery plays in sequence
And ****** thoughts become more frequent
I'm a bad, bad, bad boy
And lately, all these ****** references are flying out my mouth
Better get the soap and wash it out
Doesn't matter if I'm straight or gay
Don't get laid anyway
Every time I try, get the evil eye
Looks like another night
For Me, myself and I
It's alright girl, always get the same reply
Thanks for giving me a little of your time
To ask the question, if you're interested in some sexin'
Thanks for a little of your attention
Thanks for your rejection
It's just another night
For me, myself and I
All these ****** jokes
Got my colleagues rolling there eyes
Just kidding, they're laughing on the floor
With this little creeper
It's all right girl, I won't hassle ya
So you can hustle my heart
break it, so I can turn it into art
Think I just set a new bar
A new record has been set
Not sure, I'll ever top it
Just like I can't get on top of anyone
That's why I'm left singing
Not pretty enough
And if you got that reference
I salute you
Don't laugh, because it's true
Doesn't matter if I'm straight or gay
Don't get laid anyway
Every time I try, get the evil eye
Looks like another night
For Me, myself and I
It's alright girl, always get the same reply
Thanks for giving me a little of your time
To ask the question, if you're interested in some sexin'
Thanks for a little of your attention
Thanks for your rejection
It's just another night
For me, myself and I
Mar 20, 2018
Mar 20, 2018 at 6:40 AM UTC
Golly, goodness,
My oh my!
You can’t leave yet--
It’s barely time!
What do you mean
You’re to be married?
How scary, oh --
Say, where are you going?
Don’t run away!
Look here, my darling
I cannot tell a lie
I’ve a baby in my bedroom
And he’s not a little guy!
Oh, god, he’s drawing near
Come quickly -- or else
I might become a leopard's feast!
Ah, yes-- one moment --
There you are! But
Don’t be angry, dear,
I needed you to
Drop on by. Let us go
Now, off to auntie’s
In the quiet countryside!
You might be late,
But I’ll be sure you arrive
Oh -- goodness, me oh my
We’re filthy animals, silly
So take this towel and
Rinse on off! -- Oh?
What’s that?
You need your clothes?
Oh dear, I sent them off to town
To be ironed and cleaned
Sit pretty in my robe and--
Oh! Dear oh me,
Here comes auntie!
We must hide baby
But he’s run away
Where oh where,
My oh my --
Now we’re in jail
What am I ever to say?
You see, I messed it up
Your plans, your night,
I dragged you here
To help because
I quite like -- love you!
Oh, what have I said?
What a fool am I,
I’m sorry for the mess
Sniffle, hm? Oh-yes?
You’ve something to say?
Oh tell me now, do confess
Y-you love me too?
Oh darling, this is too good
For it all to be true!
Let’s have another day of fun
But I promise, this time,
We won’t go on a wild chase!
Apr 14, 2017
Apr 14, 2017 at 6:46 PM UTC
I've always marvelled at the human brain,
And the beauty of its complex intricacies.
It can process at speed beyond comprehension,
Its more efficient than any man-made invention,
Until I'm talking to a female... then it just really ***** me over.
Mar 22, 2017
Mar 22, 2017 at 5:27 AM UTC
Roses are red,
But also different colors,
One isn't even like any other.
Violets aren't blue,
Violets are violet,
Is that so hard to do?
I guess they chose blue just for a rhyme,
Not lilies or lilac or the spice thyme,
But "Violets are blue", is that such a crime?
Whoever said it didn't have to use blue.
There are other colors that rhyme, like green,
But "Violets are blue"? that's just obscene.
Dec 3, 2016
Dec 3, 2016 at 6:18 PM UTC
I open up my can of trash
To find the things I've tossed
But as I do, it shines apparent
Those things are "ever-lost"
This simple fact, which I forgot:
My trash can't be displaced
For everything I throw inside
Is dropped in outer space
Recalling this -in retrospect-
I maybe shouldn't have....
Dropped my baby brother in
...Probably won't get him back...
Feb 24, 2016
Feb 24, 2016 at 4:27 PM UTC
Stupid Detective!
Mixing up the evidence
Loony Detective!
Helping the culprit
with bad conclusions
and your overall confusion
Bad detective!
your senses are defective
it shows!
it shows!
At the crime scene
the vanilla ice creme
was fine
and yellow like a dandelion
though ****** had taken place
a stupid detective
a messed up place
could you please just buck up
and find a trace
Lame Detective!
You are the one to blame
you put Watson to shame
Shameful detective!
respect this
the law
the civilians
and all their fears
Blank minded detective!
Heavey minded detective!
Blinded detective!
falling to sleep
like all the other sheeps
At the crime scene
the vanilla ice creme
was fine
and yellow like a dandelion
though ****** had taken place
a stupid detective
a messed up place
could you please just buck up
and find a trace
Jan 30, 2016
Jan 30, 2016 at 9:03 AM UTC
I am The Funny Man
I'm here to make you laugh
I'm the clown behind the sentence
It's the one disguise I have
I am The Funny Man
I'm on at your request
The keyboard spreads my message
I'll try to do my best
I don't know who I am though
Am I funny or sedate
By the time I find the answer
It may just be too late
I am The Funny Man
On strings that you control
I am your funny puppet
Being funny makes me whole
I am The Funny Man
Dancing at top speed
I live to hear the laughter
It"s the laughter that i need
I don't know who I am though
Am I funny or sedate
By the time I find the answer
It may just be too late
I am The Funny Man
I crave to be on top
I don't know how exactly
To make the funny stop
I am The Funny Man
Yes, that's just who I am
Half clown and half man
And you don't give a ****
I don't know who I am though
Am I funny or sedate
By the time I find the answer
It may just be too late
May 12, 2012
May 12, 2012 at 8:59 PM UTC
By Arcassin B and Mayas
AB: Let me tell you about this egotistical ****** at work today,
I walk in my office right,
I sit down,
I put everything down,
This guy,
White,
Polka dot tie,
And weird gay looking smile,
Ask me did I have an extra pen,
So I'm like,
Wasn't Rosie at the front desk,
Giving out free supplies for everyones office,
Hes yes but I want one from you,
I'm like,
This motherfuker is a ****** for real.
Mayas: The sun was shining,
A glorious day,
Nothing could go wrong.
So I thought...
I get in the shower
There's no warm water...
After a cold shower
I get dressed.
Start doing my makeup...
Stab myself with my mascara.
Have to start again...
This day could not get worse.
After the morning I've had I'm in desperate need of coffee...
A good cup of coffee.
I walk into the coffee shop
The barista is looking mighty fine.
My morning just got turned around.
Of course I try to look cute.
Got the googlie eyes going on,
Try and do a hair flip,
I fall and eat $#!+
Great.
It's gonna be a fabulous day.
Jan 8, 2015
Jan 8, 2015 at 2:05 AM UTC
I want to do things to you
I'm not used to saying in public.
Not because I'm ashamed,
But because I don't wanna scare
any strangers.
Oct 13, 2014
Oct 13, 2014 at 1:31 PM UTC