#antidepressant
Call me a medicine man,
and yeah, I'll be there for you sure,
dedicated to you only,
to help the one without a cure.
Once I step inside your heart
you'll begin to doze off,
and those shaky hands will be soothed
while letting your head rock to and fro; can't be helped.
You'd be my tiny little sleepyhead
holding that little dose in your palm
and you'll soon wander off
deep into the neverland of your own version,
forgetful of human senses:
the striking smell, the taste to savour,
the sound the music that is ever whimsical,
the bright light and the dim dark.
And I reckon you already like it
all surrounded by the forgetfulness
—the numbing sensations nullifying your will to rise,
and the pleasure finds shelter within you.
Then in your dream
you start to want me more,
not knowing the impending consequences
of forgetting all about yourself,
of drowning
further into the river
that we all call the sorrow,
and of falling faster and farther
until you know nowhere to return.
I call out "Wakey-wakey," then,
prying open your eyes and every doors
that'll lead you outside with haste
—the light shines upon your pupils
still drowned in tears,
bewildered, with your legs wobbling.
Yet you're no longer my sleepyhead anyway,
so walk on, off with you,
carry on with your stiff legs
—though you pretty much look like
you'll need a stick just to stand upright -
and do come see me
if you ever need me again.
Sep 10, 2020
Sep 10, 2020 at 2:51 AM UTC
****** knuckles
Alcohol
Late night drives in rain fall
Hollow inside
I hate this feeling
It's one that always sends me reeling
Locked doors
Blood shot eyes
I'm starting to feel sleep deprived
Hallucinations
Isolation
I feel like a mental patient
I can't get up
Texts too late
I don't want to do today
Self loathing
Bleach and comet
This time I'm not going to *****
False hope
Everything hurts
This little blue pill just doesn't work
Jul 5, 2020
Jul 5, 2020 at 9:21 PM UTC
This is going to work
I’ll feel better
Swapping medications
Paroxetine for fluoxetine
Sprinkle in some hydroxyzine
Just keep swallowing
Pill after pill...
Idk... maybe one of them will help
But now.... my head spins
Every time I move
I never want to eat
Then I gorge myself
I can’t remember anything
I’m sorry I keep forgetting
I just... I’m trying so hard to get better
I’m trying. I am.
But to get better
I must endure illness
Withdrawal
Side effects
Before any of it will improve
Dec 19, 2019
Dec 19, 2019 at 1:29 AM UTC
I just took so many drugs
I hope they make me ill
I hope they make me sleep
Just... just let me drift away
I’ll be someone else
She said I could take another...
Why do want to keep taking more...
Dec 12, 2019
Dec 12, 2019 at 12:23 AM UTC
I feel like I’m playing a game
Of antidepressant roulette
Maybe this
No that
A little more
Will this one work??
Um... try three...?
Oh and btw,
They might make you wanna die
Ya know... more than you already do
Spin the wheel
Which is it this month?
I’m sick of playing games
I sick of taking drugs
This is what I get
For being honest with my doctor
Dec 11, 2019
Dec 11, 2019 at 8:07 PM UTC
I awake to an unreal calm in my chest
Blissful and gentle
Merciful
Nothing quite matters
I know it should
But I just don’t care
I inhale deeply, slowly
Savoring the feeling
Knowing it’s temporary
Knowing I’ll have to give it up
It’s not supposed to make me like this
I know I probably take too much
But the serenity
Of the morning
Is so irresistible
Jun 5, 2019
Jun 5, 2019 at 11:11 AM UTC
Disorder
The word still echoes in my head
Surreal and complicated
Such a heavy word
Even though it's been almost a year
Since things were so bad
And I heard the words:
Anxiety Disorder
Eating Disorder
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
Followed by the words:
Depression
Phobia
Medication
Each one like a lightning strike
I can feel them in my veins
But the most frightening
Was hearing the prefix:
Severe
Jun 3, 2019
Jun 3, 2019 at 9:31 PM UTC
I sought help from you and all your kind.
To fix the cracks formed in my mind.
I reached out because all was dark.
In desolation without a spark.
Consulting you because my mind had flipped.
I don't recall the name of pills on that script.
So many now that have come and gone.
So many kinds you've had me on.
My mind and body with side effect.
Years and years of that neglect.
Going cold while changing types.
Try something new with all its hypes.
Still waving like a drowning man.
And despite my plea no change of plan.
Is this all your education can do?
What really is the point of you?
Years of drugs and threats of E.C.T
Do you know the new cracks you made for me?
I wont medicate this stuff not one more pill.
Not one of my mental cracks did it fill.
Feeling better just being drug free.
Thank you Doc for helping me.
Mar 14, 2019
Mar 14, 2019 at 9:33 AM UTC
I had it in my sights.
My first right move.
I thought I had it.
Then the dream came crashing down.
One by one
Peel back all the layers.
To get to the heart of it.
Watch it beat and slowly shrivel.
Things were becoming okay.
I had taken blue and I felt right.
It ran out of my system.
I can't seem to make things right.
Will I ever be right?
Will I ever be RIGHT?
Will I ever...
Seeing in blue
Just do it
And don't look back.
Dec 21, 2018
Dec 21, 2018 at 10:12 PM UTC
Your lips on my neck
And your hand between my thighs
Is better than any antidepressant
A dr could prescribe
Nov 23, 2018
Nov 23, 2018 at 6:25 AM UTC
I guess one day I will travel
when I run out of Elavil
and my body becomes of ash and dust
carried by the four winds, wanderlust.
Jun 26, 2018
Jun 26, 2018 at 1:31 PM UTC
The pills do not work like promised,
For the thoughts still remain.
They have accomplished little,
Other than to drive me insane.
I feel myself becoming emotionless,
The medication smothers my ability to feel.
It helps me to endure this situation,
But it allows no room to heal.
But these blue pills, at least they are something,
Something to ease my suffering.
These many bad nights have left me terrified,
For I am prone to shuddering.
Having hindered emotions
Is better than feeling anxious or depressed.
So I will take this treatment even if
Happiness also suffers in the pursuit of rest.
May 30, 2016
May 30, 2016 at 7:27 PM UTC
i cannot be your anti depressant.
i cannot transform into a warm blanket
every time you feel the cold.
i cannot seep into your veins and rest
underneath your scarred skin.
not all promises can be kept and
i am only trying to speak the truth.
try to understand i have my own demons to tame.
don't make your happiness so dependent
on my rise out of bed in the morning.
don't rely so much on this frail veiled soul
to mend each broken piece of yours
while i'm still only trying to kick myself out
of my own shark infested seas.
the speaking of pure fantasy only assures me,
i will soon be suffocated by your adding of more water.
you cannot intend on making me your hero.
you cannot be fixed by these clumsy hands that
can't always be there in time to hold yours.
so please. i am only human.
you have to save yourself.
because i can never be your anti depressant.
Jun 3, 2016
Jun 3, 2016 at 10:04 AM UTC
the stifled sound rumbling on the tip of my tongue eager to come out.
It roars with happiness and excitement from what it seems.
But behind that exotic laugh is a soul. The laugh hides the soul keeping it hidden from outsiders.
The laugh keeps a delightful smile on someones face. Everyone wants to feel happy..even if it is for a split second.
That laugh takes your mind away from the dreadful thoughts of suicide or the painful outlook of what is called you life.
The laugh takes away the pain as if were an antidepressant.
But what happens when the laugh stops...that dreadful pain resumes to what is reality as it consumes your identity as a whole.
Mar 9, 2016
Mar 9, 2016 at 9:17 PM UTC
So I’ll tell you why I write.
I write because I’m the protagonist of my own stories.
I write because in my stories, I solve the problems that invariably creep up between people and I
In the most heroic ways possible
I write because in my world,
Not every rainbow ends in a *** of gold
But sliding across its multicolour will be the happiest memory in your mind
I write because my stories are clouds that do have real silver linings
I write because 3 am is time for chai, and childhood stories
Impromptu bike rides to greet the sleeping night
But all I can do is write.
I write because I’m angry and frustrated but
you asked me not to turn my anguish onto my body
and leave battle scars for the world to question -
so I write instead.
I write because sometimes,
the tumult in my head comes from
words that are struggling to spill forth from my brain
and stain empty pages with their loud meaning.
I write because
Writing is the only way I have to make sense
of this messy world we live in.
Apr 29, 2015
Apr 29, 2015 at 9:33 AM UTC
Disassociation
some turn to it for recreation
but I like to feel like me
I hate watching the world
play out like a movie on the big screen
The entire world
I can only see
I can't experience
the joy of life around me
I can't untie
untangle, unwind
all the strings tightly wrapped
around my poor little mind
I don't know what to do or say
I can't even bring myself to cry
Maybe I'm just the needy type
to feel a warm body
his heartbeat
against my spine
Feb 10, 2015
Feb 10, 2015 at 11:21 PM UTC
I find it quite ironic, that my antidepressant pills taste like death.
Jul 9, 2014
Jul 9, 2014 at 11:46 AM UTC
Everything she writes is tagged
#DEPRESSION
You break my heart, know.
Even with these chemical
bonds holding me together,
these frail spiderwebs
weaving around ventricles,
you shatter them like a
calm breeze, playing child,
a secret told to the wrong set of ears.
The characters in (y)our plays [on words]
are the crux of (y)our matters.
We're all ancillary like stepping stones;
pity (y)our destination begs leaving
no stone unturned.
My stepping stones are tablets, though.
20mg doses of baby steps,
crossing voids like I see in (y)our eyes.
My mouth is cavernous,
my throat the steps to hell
(wide and steep and too easy to trip down).
Each night - a crusade to save me.
Each morning - a body count.
One. Good enough for me.
Each time I sign on - the body count grows.
Jul 3, 2014
Jul 3, 2014 at 2:56 PM UTC
I remember the little men
in big boots. The ones who sat
at the edge of roof tops in a city called
Loneliness, and cut their teeth while chewing jagged glass and angry truths.
They parachuted down to earth
and hit their heads on desperation.
Hollowed out hearts with tree trunks
serving as legs, they marched
across the stratosphere until their existences neared zero. Nothing
more to disappearing than popping
some pills, falling asleep, and dreaming
that the whole world had gone mad.
The interesting part is when you wake up
and you can still hear the echo of
unfilled boots.
Apr 12, 2014
Apr 12, 2014 at 12:59 AM UTC