#anorexia
So many voices
Pounding
Pulsing
Permeating my thoughts
Telling me to
Eat less
Count calories
Get skinny
Roaring that I can't
Eat that
Get fat
Be enough
Be too much
And your also screaming
That I should
Eat my plate
Don't be late
Shove it down
"just eat a little more"
ITS
TOO
loud
I cannot see or hear or think
If every aching muscle is
SCREAMING
SCREAMING
SCREAMING
that i cant eat that
But you are yelling too
And I am trapped
trap
dep
between
t w
w a
o l
l
s
Of sound
5d ago
May 28, 2026 at 7:19 PM UTC
I sat
In her office
Legs crossed tight at the knees and ankles
Arms coiled tight
Back hunched inward
Eyes shrunken
So quiet
Barely speaking
But once I did
I don't remember if I
SCREAMED or w i p r d
h s e e
But my voice pounded around the walls
Because she asked me to
Reframe my mentality
So I uncoiled and
My voice
Broke free from my throat
So it could echo over and through her
I am
Fat
&
Ugly
&
Dumb
But once those words
Had fled from sound
The room was ****** of silence
And my hands tapped
Diligently
I
couldn't breathe
Because
Tears were burning in my eyes
And my breath was nailed into my throat
As my hands gripped
Quietly at my thighs
6d ago
May 28, 2026 at 10:43 AM UTC
yesterday night I looked in my old diary
it was from 4th to 5th grade maybe
my hand writing was messy but it still looked somewhat the same
I still wrote my g's with a swoop on the end
and I still wrote my t's like a keyboard was
but it was a different version of me,
I flipped far enough to a page
4/13/23 it read
I still wrote the date at the corner of the page
as if time wouldnt fly by fast
but it did
I read the page carefully, slowly, as if I read it too fast it would burn harder
"I'm doing some things today, maybe he'll like me better this way,"
I knew what little me was writing
and it hit me
who hurt me this bad?
who hurt a fifth grader so bad she felt the need to starve herself?
for some stupid guy to like her?
how could you make every page of her diary?
that were supposed to be filled with stories
and things that made her happy
a track of how skinny she was becoming?
I flipped to the next page it was a list of food and calories,
next was a page of everything she ate and the numbers,
next was a list of workouts,
the next was a page about her mom starting to notice,
how could you break her this bad?
who could do this to a 10 year old?
she was supposed to be with her friends
happy, skipping, singing, dancing
like she was the sunshine
but you dimmed her light
how could you do that?
I saw every page of her explaining the numbers going down and down
and I wish I could give her a hug then and there
to take away the pen and hold her instead
to let her cry into me instead of her pillow
for once she was using writing as a weapon instead of a shield
I finally flipped to the last page of the journal
"its over, she likes him he likes her, its over I'm not enough I'll never be enough"
and its sick to think
after everything she did
she never got him?
but its sick to think she even did that in the first place for a boy.
May 19
May 19, 2026 at 11:15 AM UTC
I would like to separate myself
The division of my body
Scoop it all out of the shell
Deep clean my insides
Expel my chyme
I move through air better
Empty.
I loose
pieces of me
On purpose.
An unsolvable puzzle,
Is a lighter one.
But I am still hungry
Like an animal;
Like a stray dog.
Hunting.
Growling.
Like stray dog
Begging for a man's food.
I am also the man
Who denies him.
They say
I am no longer allowed
To not allow myself.
BUT
I will never have the luxury
Of being thankful for permission,
And now I have lost the luxury of occluding myself.
I JUST
WANT TO GET IT OUT
I WANT TO WRING THE SALIVA OUT OF MY TONGUE
BEFORE THEY WEIGH ME
I WANT TO GORE CHUNKS OUT OF MYSELF
LIKE PIECES OF BIRTHDAY CAKE
I WANT TO SHAVE OFF MY EDGES
TILL MY HEART IS ALL THAT REMAINS
I NEED TO SHATTER
Into one million shards of myself
So I am nothing but a fraction of what I once was.
BECAUSE IF I WAS IN PEICES
My shards would be smaller.
They would be lighter
And that is how I would prefer to be.
May 16
May 16, 2026 at 2:07 PM UTC
people have always had the same wish
their whole life
on every birthday candle you blow
on every shooting star you see
on every coin in the fountain you throw
on every dandelion you blow
on every eyelash you loose
on every wishbone you break
on every 11:11 you pass
on every headlight you see
and you'd except it to be something sweet
maybe you think mine was wishing for a girl
maybe you think mine was wishing for something to own
maybe you think mine was for my grandma to get better
or to be happier
but if I told you the truth
those were never my wishes
and for the past 5 years its been the same wish
on everything
"I wish to finally be thin and pretty"
it seems like such a stupid wish
because if you could wish for anything
why would it be that?
and sometimes I laid in bed and wondered that too
but when you're a 14 year old girl
who turned to the side in every mirror
****** in her stomach in every photo
and didn't wear clothes because it made me look "fat"
that was the only thing I could wish for.
maybe my wish finally did come true?
maybe it came true the second I wished for it?
but some part of me told me no matter how much it came true
I wanted it to be more then that
I wanted it so bad that people would only remember me
when they see my bones
as the pretty girl who died,
every wish I wished for the same thing
it was never for emi to come back
it was never for someone to finally love me
it was never for my mom to stop yelling
it was never even to get my grades up
it was the same thing
every wish
every heartbeat
to finally be pretty
I wonder if it actually came true
and I just haven't seen it yet?
May 4
May 4, 2026 at 11:16 AM UTC
you sit there
”just one bite, please?”
it haunts you
”come on its been days”
you know it has
but the words your mother carved into your skin sting
fat
ugly
disgusting
you didn’t deserve it
”do you want something else?”
you wanted it to go away
the noise
it was stabbing different parts of your stomach
you should
you really should
it would be good for you
so you pick it up
until it feels too heavy
food is not the enemy
theyve told you before
but the calories
the scale
the thoughts
told you something else
you really want to be pretty?
you must. be. smaller.
so you ****** in your stomach and lied
”im fine, i ate a big breakfast”
and you wish in that moment
shed look you in the eye
and ask you
if you wanted to go somewhere quieter
but she didnt
and thats what really told you
you didnt deserve any of this
not until you were prettier.
Apr 30
Apr 30, 2026 at 11:35 PM UTC
Ate again
Was doing fine
Ugh
Its
Not
Fine
Knew it
Still did it
****
Always
the same ****
Take a laxative
Same step
Every time
But it works
Again
Fine, its fine
Say it again
****
Not fine
Apr 21
Apr 21, 2026 at 7:17 PM UTC
I was eight years old
When you sat me down.
You wanted me pretty enough to be sold.
Not fat like a clown.
"Just control your eating."
I never took you seriously.
Years of not competing.
My silhouette anything but lovely.
Until my image digusted myself.
And your words echoed in my mind.
So I began carving into something for a shelf.
Knowing the road wont be kind.
Yet, mother, you still aren't happy.
With what I've become.
Even after following your advice literally.
"Its too light to weigh forty-one"
What will it take to satisfy you?
Apr 21
Apr 21, 2026 at 10:52 AM UTC
Fifty
One hundred
Two hundred
Purge
One hundred fifty
Three hundred
Starve
They go up
Exponentially adding weight
I don’t need it
I don’t need the food
I don’t need what will hurt me
Calories add up more and more
Maybe one day this will all not matter
But now
All I can do is count and count
Apr 14
Apr 14, 2026 at 2:34 PM UTC
Pick it up.
Put it back down.
Move it to one side. Move it to the other side.
Swirl it around like the endless thoughts that consume your mind,
Preventing you from doing just that. Consuming.
But whatever you do, don’t swallow.
Pretend that you’ve already eaten.
Pretend that drinking water will fill up the void that’s feasting on your fears.
The void that’s getting bigger, as you get smaller.
Pretend that the thoughts going on in your head can fill the emptiness inside.
Pretend that the screams in your mind, filling the gaps where knowledge should be,
are leading you to be a better version of yourself.
A slimmer version of yourself.
Don’t look at it,
don’t think about it,
don’t talk about it.
Don’t touch it,
don’t think about touching it,
don’t tell anyone you’re not touching it.
Don’t taste it and don’t smell it,
or you’ll remember what it’s like to be satisfied.
Don’t listen to people telling you to eat because the voices in your head are loud enough already.
If you don’t think about what you’re missing, you don’t need it.
Right?
Apr 14
Apr 14, 2026 at 2:30 PM UTC
my dear friend ana
when we first met I was only 11
you were everything I wanted to be and more
you told me you could help me be more like you
you showed me your tricks
you taught me to count and starve
you gave me everything I dreamed of
then you started taking.
you took everything
you were everything I dreamed of
but at what cost.
Dec 30, 2025
Dec 30, 2025 at 2:08 AM UTC
This heart aches deeply, and it feels like no one see's me.
My worth is defined by a scale and an empty stomach,
No, I can not love myself more when nobody else does...
When did skinny become beautiful in my eyes, when did this chill feel so good,
At what point did I romanticize this disordered mind,
I'm flawed and hurt, incomplete.
I stare into the mirror and see ugly and bad, a waste of space, a thing to be replaced...
No, don't cry when I'm gone, don't shed a tear, I'll be fine- I just need someone to hear...
It's been 2 days without food and I'm not good, but I'll cover it up and say I'm okay.
Under 3 blankets and shivering, I become dizzy, I need to look as empty as I am inside,
But don't mind me... I'm fine.
Mar 31
Mar 31, 2026 at 5:46 PM UTC
It's been 49 hours.
49 hours since...
These inner demons ran rampant in my head,
There's no escape from this coldness,
The shivers continue as I lose size...
This fear is shown in my eyes,
My mind tells me lies, and I believe them.
The pain in my abs from over-exercise,
it hurts a lot, my heart is weary, yet I can't stop this.
Just know "I ate"
"I'm okay"
"It's only 5 more days"
My body is not okay, yet I still do this...
When will I learn, now or never?
Is there even a forever for me?
Mar 31
Mar 31, 2026 at 5:43 PM UTC
I should eat, I should allow it,
But the numbers float around my head...
I wish I could lose, yet I wish I could be normal too.
My brain is an anomaly to all who witness this...
The calories control me and the emptiness holds me tight...
Can I fight this? Will I win, these questions pester me within...
This Brain wants me gone, and I agree, but no one else can see me, for me...
Mar 31
Mar 31, 2026 at 5:41 PM UTC
"Weigh yourself!! Starve" They say,
There's an orb of Madness inside of me.
Rinse & repeat, Rinse and repeat.
"There's no time to eat!"
The chaos takes over,
These Symptoms consume me!
"No way out, No way out! "
"Are those feeble attempts done yet?"
"you are mine to take, mine alone."
My phantom roams. This soul is gone.
"coward, you're a coward!"
I continue on.
"Sound the alarms, you're done!"
Huddled masses in a corner, crying out in fear.
Where can I go from here?
"up, up, up! Those masses shout.
"save yourself, hurry now!"
Do I dare to take these steps?
....I must find myself.
Mar 31
Mar 31, 2026 at 5:35 PM UTC
There she goes
The girl with anorexia
Don’t get too close or she might
Collapse right below your feet
There’s the girl
You heard shes anorexic
She never has anything to eat
There lives
The girl suffering from anorexia
You see the school councilors watching her at lunch
There stands
The girl who’s anorexic
They all laugh at her and her sobs increase
There lies
The girl with anorexia
It’s true yes
Your words cut too deep
And now she’s dead
The girl suffering from not just food
But your laughter
When she was at her lowest
There flies
The little anorexic girl
Youll be looking above us
On our darkest times
The girl with anorexia
Mar 14
Mar 14, 2026 at 1:45 AM UTC
and here you are, praying
to a god that never learned mercy.
whispering hymns,
to the hollowness in your ribs
like the emptiness is holy.
here you are, kneeling
at the altar of a god that doesn't exist,
or maybe it does,
but it has a death wish.
of you, or of anyone who it kissed.
here you are, thinking
that the god that wants you dead,
will get out of your head
if you follow the rules
that will slowly bind you to a hospital bed.
and here you are, wishing that it will,
cause maybe then it'll leave.
but it won't, not unless you bleed,
and the cuts will spread like a ****
and suddenly.. suddenly you're kneeling again.
here you are again.
same altar, same candles.
i'm watching you light them one by one
hoping that your god will be gone,
but it's not.. it never is.
so here you are again,
the same place i used to be,
and i'm still standing in the doorway,
hoping you'll join me today,
but your god calls so you leave once again.
and here am I again, begging you,
like I used to beg the same god
you kneel before now.
please just come with me,
i know the way out now.
Mar 13
Mar 13, 2026 at 6:04 AM UTC
Tracing the shape of nothingness
Im not starving myself into weightlessness
Im perfecting my emptiness
Something inside me is rotten,
it tears me apart until there's nothing repulsive to care about no more
Soon ill be lighter than grief
Even the air will pass through me
Flies buzzing past my ribs
Soon be light enough to float
And leave this body behind
To rot
Mar 11
Mar 11, 2026 at 2:34 PM UTC
"Teachers know everything"
"Teachers are always paying attention"
"Teachers see everything"
They can see you using your phone in class.
They see you whispering with your friends.
They see your grades falling.
Though, they never seem to see why...
No adult in school sees the child with bruises on her neck
From a "loved one's" oh so loving grip.
They don't see the child bleeding under their sleeve.
Would they care if they did?
Adults don't hear the child's stomach rumbling.
This is his ninetieth hour.
They don't read the note I wrote in class.
The last thing I'd ever write..
Feb 19
Feb 19, 2026 at 3:57 AM UTC
its working then?
the starvation?
the jeans
there bigger
way too big almost
practically falling down
people told me that I'm getting thinner
I don't know
if this is a call for help
or a green light
Feb 12
Feb 12, 2026 at 11:35 AM UTC
calorie counter
counting your worth
putting in numbers till you feel useless
cookies turn into demons
and cake turns into your worst enemy
the numbers grow higher and higher
and he tells you it needs to be lower
he tells you you need to have under 100
a cup of berries turns into your "fuel of the day"
and the meaning of "enough"
is your jean size
the measuring tape used for designing is taken
and your old dance belt from your costume is used for progress
once you finally get under 100
he tells you your good
your getting good
that maybe
finally
your enough to someone
even though he hurts you
and you cried on call to your ex for hours about it
and she begs you to delete it
you finally delete it
its like loosing a best friend
I didn't know where to turn
I tried to use my calculator
she made me put screentime limits on that too
that's when you know it got bad
I had a calorie counting journal
she made me throw it away
now that shes gone I resigned up for it
your best friend is back
sure your relationships rocky now
but he tells you when your being too much right?
Feb 4
Feb 4, 2026 at 11:47 AM UTC
I remember it oh so well
Thursday in early September I recall
the 5th grade
my day I always had 4 hours of dance
id come home exhausted with no energy left upon me
that evening in early September I came home almost passed out
I needed something
anything
to help me
that so happened to be the one week my parents had a
bag of chips
in the house
unthinking of what I was doing I grabbed it
and before I was able to take a bite my mom snatched it out my hands
"what do you think you're doing? You shouldn't eat that"
I didn't know what to think as she stared at me in disgust
so later that night i looked up more stuff on body weight
I saw the girls on Pinterest and thought
wow I am disgusting
then I saw it
a list
not just any list a calorie list
before it would seem to slip my mind
but in the moment it looked so
magical
marked on that list was
grapes
5 grapes per meal and you'd be thin
so that morning for breakfast I ate 5 grapes
lunchtime hit instead of my pasta I brought 5 grapes
dinner passed and I ate 5 grapes
after the day was over I would
dance
I knew if I wanted to be pretty I'd have to exercise
single pierrette
not good enough
again
you'd fall and fall and keep on falling
I needed to be
perfect
the days would pass
breakfast 5 grapes, lunch 5 grapes, dinner 5 grapes
people started to not notice anymore
then I'd dance
double pierrette
you think you're any good?
again
you'd fall and fall and keep on falling
weeks would pass you cut it down to
4 grapes
4 for breakfast, 4 for lunch, 4 for dinner
you're getting thinner Georgia you're getting thinner
then I'd dance
triple pierrette
you're getting good but not good enough
again
you'd fall and fall and keep on falling
months past you cut it to 3 grapes
3 for breakfast, 3 for lunch, 3 for dinner
people could start to see your ribs a bit better
it's working
then I'd dance
quad
you're finally getting decent Georgia keep going
again
you'd rehearse again and again until it was perfect
you finally stuck it perfect
you're getting good
the voice echoed
you followed it
2 grapes gia 2 grapes
then you went
2 grapes for breakfast, 2 grapes for lunch, 2 grapes for dinner
you didn't notice it yet but the grapes almost made you
sick
turn Georgia turn
single
double
triple
quad
leap
tilt
jump
again
single
double
triple
quad
leap
tilt
jump
just a little longer Georgia you can do it
then you'd fall
unconscious
maybe this was bad maybe I should get help
but wait
this is good
this is what you aimed for
you were finally underweight
the belt that once had holes remaining
went in all the way without ******* my stomach in
1 grape Georgia one grape
you cried
you wanted more then one
but the voice was screaming at you
1 grape Georgia you want to pretty? 1 grape
so your day went
1 grape for breakfast, 1 for lunch, 1 for dinner
there your friends were offering fruit, chocolate, anything
don't take it Georgia there lying to you
they want you ugly again
the thought of being that way again was horrific
I'm okay!!!
And they believed you
you got home and would turn, jump, leap, kick, reach
you were finally good enough
you moved up to the next level in dance
that's it Georgia now you see that girl
the beautiful one doing aerials?
she must be 70 pounds
you want to be like her
no grapes
there you were the voice controlling you
you wanted to be like her
stunning
next day
breakfast no grapes, lunch no grapes, dinner no grapes
your parents wondered why you didn't bring any anymore
you couldn't answer the question
only the voice could
you'd sit in the car ready for dance your dad would get in
did you know your mother's best friend died of an eating disorder?
It was random but it hit you
they noticed
the grapes in the fridge untouched
yeah I know
don't listen Georgia you're finally perfect keep on dancing
single
double
triple
quad
tilt
higher higher higher
turn
faster faster faster
jump
you'd collapse
"Georgia would you like some grapes?"
The voice screamed
no no no no no youre finally perfect don't give up now
I'm okay!!
You'd come home that night
email from dance teachers
"she's great but she passed out I'm concerned she said she was fine"
"is she eating"
yes...grapes...
Jan 5
Jan 5, 2026 at 11:32 PM UTC