#acceptence
I can't stand these lonley nights.
I try not to be bitter for it is blight.
It consumes me whole how i lost a future so bright;
The girl, my friends, my dignity gone like waning light.
How can any of this truly be right?
But no matter how hard i stress my plight,
I still come to realise it was never really right,
For they never cared for me their love was tight,
And in their depature i found the light.
Lonely yes, but now i can stand these nights,
And yes for company i still do fight.
But i know it will come when the time is right.
I guess for now its just another lonley night.
Jan 29, 2025
Jan 29, 2025 at 6:06 AM UTC
He stood in his black jacket,
a cold grey breeze making his skin shiver
as his shoes touched rusty metal,
his feet vibrating from the light
that promised peace, a pleasant feeling.
It drew closer,
each second the sound growing louder,
his body trembling with every movement the light made.
He glimpsed it brighter to his right,
but where was the sound?
Only his inner voice echoed,
he knew he wanted this,
but why did he hear only himself screaming?
The light was near,
he must move, yet he was stuck.
This was his chance, his peace, his freedom,
all he had ever longed for.
But as he resolved to act, the light passed,
angels’ faces flashing by, eyes wide with shock,
and in an instant, his life slipped back into his grasp.
He seeks the blood of Jesus to silence the screams,
a fleeting calm before the roar returns, louder than before.
His body, worn and weary from addiction's grip,
the screaming intensifies as he gazes outside,
where only clouds loom and trees stand lifeless.
He can only pray his body will allow him to move today,
that the light will guide him this time,
and that the angels will open their arms wide.
What will still the screaming,
what will reveal the vibrant colors others see?
Though the light may lead him away from the screaming and the dead trees,
It blinds him completely, leaving only darkness.
Nov 2, 2024
Nov 2, 2024 at 8:30 PM UTC
For all of my life
I have been plagued with something
that I didn't know the name of
and than when I grew up
and I came to know what the name was
it all felt wrong to me
and I wanna speak my truth
but I fear for my words
for others
will label me as hateful
when really I wanna share it
because I think
healing is powerful and its possible
I am trying to own my truth
and not care what others think or say
from the time I was a child
I experienced lots of harrassment and violence
which i internalized to mean
that it was because I was a woman
so its like half of me loves feminine things
and the other half of me just wants to be a man
so often
When I look at her she feels afraid
because they told her growing up
to shut up and be silent
to cook clean and be still
and that never quenched her spirit
so in my life
I have always done the hard things
I am choosing to sit with myself
to learn how to accept myself more
for I know that if i were to transition
or to slap a label on myself
I would just keep on hiding my true self
and I would always try to be something that I am not
so even though at times it hurts deeply
only really because of the mysogonoy
that I still see around me and experience at times
I will still choose to sit in my life
and I am still choosing to heal myself
and to have hope
that I am getting better little by little
I wish more voices like mine
can be heard
without being labeled
as hateful
for I don't hate
I understand there is a real lack of knowledge
out there in the world
and people like me
who don't fit the perfect mysognistic box of how women
are suppose to be
should be embraced and held instead of judged
this is my truth
and I have been longing to make it heard
for a very long time.
Aug 26, 2023
Aug 26, 2023 at 10:52 AM UTC
My whole life
I felt so much shame in my whole being
like I was born wrong
that everything about me was so wrong
because I was born into a family
where I never recieved love attachment or true joy
where I was always picked on bullied and harrassed by
pretty much everyone in my life.
Where everytime I felt my dysphoria
I felt wrong
Iike it was wrong to feel like a girl
but wanna be a boy at times ...
but now that I am healing myself
I see that there is nothing wrong with who I am
that I am beautifully made
and that I am just different in my own way
and that is beautiful ,
I am a person who thinks for myself
who has always questioned it all
and that's why I was able to leave a super opressive religion
and hometown.
It's been my saving grace.
Someone who is super creative
who has a super big heart and soul
who feels so many many things
so when others even in a well intended way
try to tell me that I am non binary or something like that
or queer,
the labels don't feel like they fit me,
because I am who I am
and I don't like labels,
I am learning to not judge myself
but to just accept myself,
that I have a right to exist
to live a good beautiful life
of my own choosing
to learn that I am powerful by just being me
by just existing,
and that there was never anything wrong with me
I AM Who I AM.
Jun 20, 2023
Jun 20, 2023 at 10:10 AM UTC
You call me a girl,
You call me a young woman,
You use she/her pronouns,
Hearing that, makes a little more of my soul die.
Oh you ask why?
It might because I'm a f***ing guy,
I may look like a girl but I'm not,
So quit being such a thot.
I am a male no matter what that paper says,
I came out to you and you throw me down,
You said I could trust you but you lied,
But I'm supposed to confide,
I come out as Trans and Pan,
But you refuse to call me a man,
I try to explain,
But all I can hear is you complain.
I'm getting the hair cut and the dye,
Maybe then you will see a guy,
Just in case I'm getting a binder,
Just so you can see the reminder.
I'm no longer your little girl,
Nor am I your daughter,
I am your Transgender son,
I am your little boy.
Jan 13, 2021
Jan 13, 2021 at 10:58 AM UTC
Sailing soft, frozen in time--
Sat on your chair where I could've sworn
I saw a past life regression flash along
Your face. Stuck there now,
I'm alone now and forever forth.
For years I stored half my cash into a box
without second thought
just to end up spending it all in six months.
that last crash erased all the academic pablum
that proved less required reading
more distraction.
Just a border now,
head against an extending wall,
Witless and stonecold sober;
At ease with every unanswered craving
And coexisting with a life where nothing goes
according to plan.
Oct 18, 2020
Oct 18, 2020 at 1:11 PM UTC
Death is stalking me.
It watches me play cards,
smoke cigarettes, and
drink beer.
It took my parents, two
brothers, and all my friends.
It got Chris last week.
20 bottles of whiskey in
seven days, I suppose that
would **** anyone.
They found him on the
railroad tracks.
Death is stalking me.
I won't cheat it.
I won't escape it;
but before it gets me,
I bet I finish
this poem.
Feb 26, 2020
Feb 26, 2020 at 1:08 PM UTC
Walk
beyond the pale
and catch a look
at the proxy (yourself).
Glimpse at the unfamiliar,
at the sweet terror of someone,
you've never known (yourself).
Revel and tune in,
on the loose lips of a stranger(yourself).
in the queer warmness of this red rose.
Learn to love the unmanicured-self.
the new self that needs you.
Jul 19, 2019
Jul 19, 2019 at 7:42 PM UTC
Done blaming myself
Want to give myself love
That I deserve
Been fake
And treating badly myself
For far too long
Done being harsh with myself
I wanna grow
Although accepting myself
For who I am
I see the light in my eyes
I just woke up
Now I again recognize
My love and soul
I wanna give me the strength
I'm gonna need
I will be there for myself
From now on
Again
I won't be afraid
Of losing myself
Because
I'm here
I stop crusading myself,
I am still here
I see the light
In my eyes
It makes believe
I see the sun
And the moon
And I can breath
<3
Dec 21, 2018
Dec 21, 2018 at 6:40 AM UTC
Maybe you fear to be whole again,
to feel complete.
You've felt broken for so long,
that you found comfort in it.
Your scared to take the chance of feeling complete in fear it will fall apart.
So you accept being broken
and smile on.
Jul 17, 2018
Jul 17, 2018 at 8:28 PM UTC
Cold blooded angel begging for death
Asking for a smile next to her bed.
Heavens gift with hells deliverey
Giving her property and broken bulbs
For a head thats alone with me.
When i speak to her
Or her wings, the thought goes.
If i had said what i wanted to properly
Nothing would of changed.
Id still be in the floors.
Hiding up,
to warm up my feelings
with cold metaphors.
Mar 26, 2018
Mar 26, 2018 at 6:32 PM UTC
The shapes and shells of a lady bug vary.
Like the patterns of a snowflake.
Jul 15, 2017
Jul 15, 2017 at 4:05 PM UTC
Have you ever tried to be someone else
Instead of being yourself
Because you felt as though
You'd make better impressions
And people you thought
that would never talk to you now will
Is this supposed to be how we feel
Instead of being original
Staying true to ourselves
We'd live a better life
In the mind of someone else
What about the fake,
if I don't act like me
is that something that can make a change
Is that something that will make
the people want to be friends with me
Yeah you say you don't want to be popular
Your happy being you
But why is it we always wonder
What it'd be like to be in another's shoes
They say you write your own stories
So why does it feel like it's written for me
You're born one day, the next
you're a slave trapped within life's cruel games,
you lose yourself more every day
Do you want to be a cover model
Do you want to be a star
Do you want to be a top businessman driving a fancy car
Do you wish to be a king or queen
Wish that you had money to buy everything you dreamed
Welcome to the madhouse
Where these thoughts drive you insane
Only the mentally strong survive
The rest are just runaway trains
I tried to be somebody else
Even creating a new name
Funny how the girl of my dreams
Now seems to talk to me
Not an image had she seen
But she told her whole life story
To me, well not quite me
But the character I envisioned
Somebody I brought to life
She entrusted secrets to a total stranger
Whom she had never met
So does that mean the closer
you are
That's when they shut you out
But feel comfortable with a total stranger
Yeah you say you don't want to be popular
Your happy being you
But why is it we always wonder
what it'd be like to be in another's shoes
They say you write your own stories
So why does it feel like it's written for me
You're born one day, the next
you're a slave trapped within life's cruel games,
you lose yourself more every day
Do you want to be a cover model
Do you want to be a star
Do you want to be a top businessman driving a fancy car
Do you wish to be a king or queen
Wish that you had money to buy everything you dreamed
Welcome to the madhouse
Where these thoughts drive you insane
Only the mentally strong survive
The rest are just runaway trains
Danger, danger,
you're not putting trust
in the ones you supposedly love
Who is willing to die and protect
You are letting out your inner most secrets
to people who'll take advantage
when you're at your lowest points
and it feels like there is no way out
Just cast yourself of doubt
Be happy with yourself
trust in the ones you love,
Try and see the beauty within yourself,
you're original and that's what's beautiful,
Be smart in your choices,
Don't be afraid to take risks
Just know sometimes there could be a consequence
Yeah you say you don't want to be popular
Your happy being you
But why is it we always wonder
what it'd be like to be in another's shoes
They say you write your own stories
So why does it feel like it's written for me
You're born one day, the next
you're a slave trapped within life's cruel games,
you lose yourself more every day
Do you want to be a cover model
Do you want to be a star
Do you want to be a top businessman driving a fancy car
Do you wish to be a king or queen
Wish that you had money to buy everything you dreamed
Welcome to the madhouse
Where these thoughts drive you insane
Only the mentally strong survive
The rest are just runaway trains
I'm learning to be happy in the choices that I make
I'm learning to think before I risk everything
But I'm not afraid to take chances
I'm learning to love myself
I'm trying to sustain my mental health
I'm starting to look after myself
I'm learning from the mistakes that I've been dealt
This is the story that I write
I'm choosing to be happy in my life
And this is where I am.
©2017 Written By Benji James
Jun 27, 2017
Jun 27, 2017 at 4:53 AM UTC
I dwell in my past so often,
I forget I'm in the now
I wish and long for people
Who, for a while, haven't been around
I put aside those who want me
To remember those who don't,
It's time I said I'm sorry
And let go of the rope
Jun 7, 2016
Jun 7, 2016 at 10:26 PM UTC
Goodbye,
to the long nights
filled with your endless chatter
while your presence burrow itself
deeper in the cavern of my cranium
seeping through every pores
(i should've taken my antibiotics more)
Goodbye,
to the constant warmth
and burst of vivid life
that you painted on me with colored chalk
despite me telling you that i'm a black board
(maybe i should've told you i'm allergic)
Goodbye,
to the feeling of falling
and not being afraid for the impact
the dizzying senstation that flooded inside
of the daily dose of adrenaline rush
you taught me to not be scared
( i'm not scared anymore because i've reached the ground)
Goodbye,
to your kindness and intimacy
your fold and creases and lines
the labyrinth that i would gladly be lost in forever
would gladly throw away my maps and my common sense so i could just learn about you more
Hello,
to the first chapter after you
( all that time charting made me know how you work, it doesnt make it easier to swallow why you made yourself a stranger to this known walls )
Mar 6, 2016
Mar 6, 2016 at 9:42 AM UTC
I use to like being alone
Being free to do things on my own
When I didn't have any friends
I didn't try too hard to pretend
That I didn't need acceptance
I was very introverted
When my past was deserted
There was so much I wanted to do
But, then I look over and saw you
You taught me how to be brave
When I wanted to escape from yesterday
You helped me see another day
Yes, my dear friend you taught me
The things I didn't hear, or see
Thanks to you, I no longer wanted to be alone
I'm getting tired of living inside my zone
You always told me I'm not a child
So, for now on I'm grown.
Jan 24, 2016
Jan 24, 2016 at 11:20 PM UTC
I came to school expecting the worse
Instead...
I got the best thing anyone could want....
I was accepted.......
Feb 18, 2015
Feb 18, 2015 at 10:36 AM UTC
My hands running through your hair,
I feel each strand between my fingers.
Your hands intertwined with mine,
We hold on tight and never let go.
Your arms surrounding my body,
I am protected from this wretched world.
In a world that does not accept us,
We find peace within each other.
Our love is all that matters.
Feb 7, 2015
Feb 7, 2015 at 12:41 AM UTC
I let smoke roll from my cigarette,
and watch like death entered the room.
Seeing it fill with his hazy presence,
undisturbed.
Few will know the peace that comes,
with choosing your fate.
I will NOT cower,
at the ghastly shade.
I will smile at it.
Aug 3, 2014
Aug 3, 2014 at 6:43 PM UTC
She couldn't have tried like she did
and they couldn't have missed it
so easily.
A pretty simple task,
but too many see too much
and her eyes flicker with what she
could know.
She could feel like they wanted
but who would she be,
then?
When found--they stared,
for their creation had fell apart,
not what they
foresaw.
Disconnected,
for what she thought she was,
or perhaps,
who she actually became,
had started to dissolve.
Gazing at herself,
the rise of what could be
withers
and with that her eyes
cloud over once more,
where she loses touch.
Her only want
being seen by others, but
distracted by her own being.
Mar 28, 2014
Mar 28, 2014 at 6:29 PM UTC