I have two separate lists            
One of things I want to tell you
And one of things I can tell you

The want list is tucked neatly
Around my heart and tied with a bow
Aching to be heard        

And the can list is crammed
Memorized in my head          
A robotic slew of words I know are okay

I keep them apart
Bound to different parts of myself
Just in case I try to get them confused

Because sometimes it gets hard
Trying to keep the wants
From the cans

And I thought I knew difficult
I thought I knew how hard
Things can be.


But I didn't know actual trouble
Until the wants bubbled behind my lips trying to take place of the cans

But I didn't know difficult
Until my feelings pressed against my teeth and demanded to be free.

But I didn't know anything
Until everything I wanted to say pushed on my head like a gun with the bullet in the chamber and my only option was to pull the trigger but I was shaking too much and my hands were too sweaty and the gun slipped and words slipped and my confidence slipped

and

The cans came back to the surface
And I asked you how she was
And the robot voice was all I heard

But all you heard was me
And the list of things
that were okay to say.

There's an elegance
to the way your body
wraps around mine.

There's an honesty
to the way your smile
lights up my universe.

There's a reliability
to the way your eyes
let me know you feel the same.

and yet

There's a sadness
to the way you hold her
like I want you to hold me.

There's an emptiness
to the way you say " I love you"
to a girl that's not me.

There's a disappointment
to the way I wake up
and realize I've been dreaming again.

It's crazy to me
how we spend our whole lives
looking for "our person"

How we search
high and low
near and far

Only to find ourselves
shocked to the present one day
to find they've been in front of you all along.

One day
I just hope
I can breathe life
into you like
you do
me

It's unfair what you've managed to do to my heart in such a short amount of time.
And maybe now I'm just scared
of never seeing your face again.
Or feeling your voice rumble through me,
like the gentlest of storms.
But maybe it's that the one time you had your arms around me
was the only time I've felt at home.

The last 4 days I feel like I've been living in a closet
with someone who can only breathe
through their mouth.

Last night I pretended to be asleep for 3 hours
just so you wouldn't talk to me
because I. Can't.  Listen. To. You. Anymore.

You walked by me 2 times and just stood there
and I've never felt that weird
about anything in my life.

You've been there since day 1 and I think
maybe you're too close for my liking
this is just friends and you know it

I find myself comparing everyone I meet
to you.
I find myself looking for the perfect combination
of sweet and sour.
I find myself only looking for things that make you
you.
It's different looking for someone who is
six feet tall
brown hair
brown eyes
the same taste in music
When I know that he's standing right in front of me
just without me.
I find myself comparing everyone I meet
to someone I've never had.