here.
     here
a dark, cold bedroom. unmade bed. blinds shut, light spilling onto the floor through the gap in the curtains. quiet.
     a cliff. the sky is dark. the rushing waves below are bright blue, but violent. the wind tears at my clothes, my hair, my throat, stealing every breath.
i begin to breathe heavily, pacing the wooden floor, pushing my hair out of my face frantically.
     i step closer. i have to. i have no choice.
my mind flashes, cuts between here and here and i cannot breathe. i am shaking, uncontrollable. the scenes keep flashing and switching in front of me, back and forth.
    i am at the edge. i look out at the water. violent, crashing, unrelenting. my insides feel the same.
tears begin rolling down my cheeks and i have lost control of the flashes, so i let it happen begging for it stop.
     i open my arms, as if embracing the ocean. i am cold, but i do not care. the sky and sea reflect me, as if we are all the same. i breathe deeply, not daring to close my eyes.
i am alone. all alone. no control. i beg to no one. i cry for nothing.
     my heart is calm, relaxed. i feel light.
my heart is racing. stop stop stop.
      one foot steps in front of the other. it hangs over the side of the cliff
i am on the floor now. i do not feel myself hitting the ground, only seeing the dark wood beneath me.
       i cannot back away.
stop please stop. i am begging, please
        *i jump.