Drink your drugs and smoke your liquor
Whatever makes the blue pass quicker
We all have our little things
What matters is the end it brings

Frozen little masterpiece
Drifting toward the ground
Fluttering movements cease
Melting without a sound
More of you falling on me
An army of ice
Now the color I cannot see
Isn't that nice

7/10

Its nice to be reminded I can't hide in you
you're an ocean,  oh so quiet of the deepest blue
I would smother in your waterfall
In those currents I can't breathe at all
Frozen in that darkened sea
It could never be you and me

My heart's a little sad
I try to keep it glad
With candy thoughts
and Tequila shots
How did i end up here
Dancing with adult fear
A little dead inside
With nowhere to hide

And this is why I drink
For times when I don't want to think
About those pretty boys
With their ******* ploys
or the bills and debt sorta things
the fact that these burns still sting
I binge to Smile
Once inna while
Poison the pain
or just go insane

My little heart is full of puddles
My little mind all kinds of muddled
Burn the skin
Drown within
Mind warns to break and scream
Coaxed on by some dark dream
Level face to them all
No way I dare to fall
Smiles on skin
Lying's a sin
but it gets you by and makes you move
Gotta find that mood to groove
Fourteen hours in this bakery
They never see what it does to me
My little heart is full of puddles
My little mind all kinds of muddled
Day is ending almost done
Bruised and tired , but we won
My mind is screaming anyway
I don't hear what it has to say

Ive forgotten me
not the one you see
the one I use to be

Ive floated too far away
don't even have words to say

Needle and thread,  needle and thread
Makes me feel a little less dead.

They only give you wings, to watch you try and fly,  once they set them on fire.

Orange and blue
Not a thing I can do
Just sit and watch you

When did I start looking at life, as vitamins and calories
I remember back before it was just,  hours and salaries
Now I Zombie about, burned up, and burned out
Stress makes me itchy, ******,  I wanna shout
It's all chores and bills, obligations, feed the cat
Run down, Run over, clean this,  do that
Time warps, bends, now its tomorrow
Better sleep soon, or work will be sorrow
Melatonin and liquor
Make it happen quicker
**** down, pass out, cycle through
Not sure anymore, what else to do

And I've got this sweet lil katt ~ Who does sweet lil things~
It's like I'm rolling around in sugar, and he's lighten up the world as he sings.

When you plan it all
Only to see it fall
Over and over again
As if you'll never win
Discouragement that weighs you down
Somthering. Shhh, don't make a sound
Work until your skin falls off
Still can't breathe you start to cough
Choking on reality
Still not where you need to be
The wallets dry
And you wanna cry
But there's no time for such things
Gotta juggle what life slings
Momentum. Break down,  to get ahead
Matter of time before you end up dead
The adult game of 'never done '
I miss the days of having fun
Despite this crumbling zombie form I wear
I refuse to let life bring me to despair
Singing in the labor camp, waiting to be free
This face will always have a smile, for everyone to see

your teeth on my skin
my mind just caves in
teasing me
constantly
I want you now
don't care how
I've come to find
you dance in my mind
all night,  all day
the lil things you say
orange and blue
I love what you do.
this and that
artsy cat
you breathe that music
and I almost just lose it.
I like the games you play
but never know what to say

simply put simply said
I really should be in bed
but your on my mind
this state I find
when I eat those pills
feel those feels
and lose the words when sleep comes
melatonin tweaks but numbs.

Pretty boy on my balcony
What a joy you are to see
Messy hair, golden glow
Crystal eyes, I love so
Smoke your poison, I'll drink you in
So many words, I can't even begin..

Inside I'm on fire
Like I've never been higher
Can't believe how we've spent these nights
All lit up like Christmas lights

Behind my eyes, you're all I see
Golden orange, little tabby
I scramble for the words to say
But they all just seem to melt away
You make me fly
You get me high
With lips and eyes that smile so
Make it seem as if you glow
Soft and sweet, like laffy taffy
Cartoon cat you are so daffy
Delicious kisses, artsy boy
You've come to bring me so much joy
My candy addiction
You seem like fiction
Burning nights away with you
Wake to find the dreams were true

Play your words and say your game.
I just wish, to forget your name.

No time for these games, I don’t like being played
Little boys all around, I wish that you’d stayed.
Pills to sleep, Smoke, and too many shots.
Now he’s the one that haunts my thoughts…
My fairytale plot, never seems to go right.
Reality hits, when I sleep alone at night.

Crack and crumble
Snap and break
Slip and fumble
Twitch and shake
Hide it all
Until the fall
Overflow, bust and seep
Stitches snap and eyes that weep
Unravel, unwind, melt through the floor
Exposed and fragile, I can't take much more.

Challah here, and cookies there.
Pastry ******* everywhere.)
Its what I live , and how I think.
In the air, and what I drink.
Cupcakes, pies, brownies all around.
But not a drop of sanity to be found.

You're in my thoughts, and on my  mind
Escape from which I cannot find

I like the way you fry my brain
and half *** make me go insane

With words as sweet as pastry cream
You've drug me off into a dream

I've become poison and my drug quit working
the monsters in the dark, at the edges they're lurking
Need an new silver letter to get hooked on,
Stronger than Z, that brings the light of dawn
But those ****** monsters never go away
they still haunt me in the bright of day
Play with my thoughts, talk in my head.
You'll never let go, not even if dead.
So I've taken to the smoke and the stars
to make the thoughts stop, and numb all the scars
Lost away in my land so low
what will become of all this i don't even know.

let us laugh hystaricaly
when we see with clarity
how ****** up it's become
from all the things we've done

burned from the inside out
we never heard the shouts
were they real?
can he heal?
how lost is he?
did he choose to be?

let us laugh hystaricaly
when we see with clarity

swirls in her mind
answers she cant find
shes crumbling
peices tumbling
can we fix her now?
would we know how?

how ****** up it's become
from all the things we've done

i'm not the same me
different insanity
meddicate
to allievate
the confusion
from my delusions
mello, manic
low, or panic


let us laugh hystaricaly
when we see with clarity
how ****** up it's become
from all the things we've done*

let us fracture and break
when all they do is take
how did it get like this
from glory to ****

dont feel right...
my own music is attacking me. feel so empty. the words in my head start to rhyme. so i know i need to write.. just dont know what.

will you save me? take me? make me yours?
ocean blue
words so true why do you hide?

..
...
....
songs play
all day taunting me.
speakers off
still so soft
the lyrics sing
and thoughts they bring....

not the boy i want to remember... get out of my head!!!

(laughing) singing~
ocean blue~
just not you~

....
**do we ever really know them?..
do they ever really understand?..

how do you tell who is real and who is imagined? when the masks are seamless and no color seeps through?
whos lying now?
words were twisted

seamlessly .. seamlessly.. seamlessly!
so fake
how well you know your lines , how well you know your part.

all the blocking forever memorised. the scenes you know by heart. everything is perfect, until the characters change. improv was never your strong suit. thats what the other actors were for...

a castle by the sea. what story needs a knight when it has a prince? her title even stays the same ... the dialogue changes as the prince is real and the knight was wrong..
fairy tales.. how will the new version end??...

or will we change the characters again? these actors don't know their lines. the blockings all wrong. look at the scripts they carry. this preformance is no where near ready. It's barely been written!!
we need a play to preform!
how will we build the set if the script keeps changing?
....
tragic flaws..
so the princess dies...
so not cool
we wanted a comedy
not a drama

....
this is a mess and we need to preform...

someone find a new director!!!

weak willed, i listen to the collision of manic thoughts that resurface like a neverending disease whenever you are mentioned.*

blue..*

the whirl of memorys start, and in the mass hysteria of mental chaos i feel my fingers slip over the keys to write to you. of what is not important. simply a few meaningless words will set me up above the clouds in a serene distant state. the promise of that momentary bliss is enough to keep my reasonable side hidden away... she'll come out later, and when she comes so will the negative ideas. the "why did i say thats", and "what is he thinkings" all of which will riot through the clouds ripping them apart until i fall and smash back into newly cold reality.

of course by then the conversation will have ended and i wont know what you think of the crazed words i somehow managed to smash into thoughts that sounded like sentences at the time, but now look like the disasterous scribbled rought draft of a 5th grade report over an unknown topic.

so with the last of my resolve i hold down the backspace key until all of the mangled writing is gone. you of course have no knowledge of this inner turmoil because i never hit enter.. i tell myself thats for the best but im not sure if i believe that, then again if you lie to yourself long enough you can believe anything. so why not, it's only survival..

So I'm tearing up the asphalt
Mentaly screaming that it's my fault

Downing the space between us
Plotting how to gain your trust

Denouncing the air i need
I'm choking on the speed

rising action is building fast
the little details are flying past
all blurring
slurring
intwining
and defining
the new paths to take
for the stories we make
chatoic confusion
we slip into delusion
time has no meaning
info replaced dreaming
the rules are so tight
that internlay we fight
our secrets we defend
just want this game to end
bets passed round
cards laid down

no one can win
and the game begins again
.

temptation calls
disappear into it's arms
shadows fold around
melt into his warm soft skin
playing with dark fantasy

our little druggy girl's
actin like shes in a whirl
twitchin likes shes gettin hit
baby must be out of it
eyes blown wide
shes terrified
someone says shes trippin bad
other asks how much shes had
hystarics start bustin out
were losing her theres no dobut
once panic set in
no way she'd win
stumblin about
she starts to shout
tripps back
loud crack
shes so *******
brains got spewed
sirens blared
someone cared?
see the flashing light
escape into the night

morning paper said
they pronounced her dead

a kind word for
the girl who swore
once upon a time
she'd always be fine.

does it hurt when i see through you?
like my eyes are ripping away the tissue?
can you feel the lies falling?
when i know that your just stalling.
searching for a way to hide.
save your remaining pride.

your lies play in false tones.
wrapped tightly around your bones.
it seems they support you now
it makes me wonder how
you ended up this way
in a constant state of decay
rotting away on the inside
where all your ***** secrets hide.

does it hurt when
theres no way to defend
from the layers ripping
with the truth dripping
from tears in the mask
that's fallen from your grasp
when we can see you
and everything you do
with nothing blured
reality un slured
just you for you
completly true


it's hideous to see
your reality.

My self destructive habits, have returned to me again.
This battle for my sanity, we will try to win.
We do so well until, fatal wounds arise.
Must be tended to by who, which of my allies?.

My mind is filled with screaming thoughts, all swirling in a torrent of relentless negative ideas, that wish to fill me with the panic i've come to know on a more than intamate level.
I've started to realise they're muffuled.. as though i'm unconciously smothering these intruders, tresspassing of course being an extremely high offense in this world i don't quite remember creating.
Just sitting here listening through the fog as they try to rant at me all of the quaint little pessimisms they can think of, their voices growing quiet as i slowly steal their oxygen. What a murderer i've become, pressing upon the windpipes of my anxiety , so emotionless and uncaring, as if such a violent act were nothing out of the ordinary in here.
i know what you all must be thinking, because of course some of the voices are having the same ideas.. "She's snapped!" well perhaps i have, i'm not entirely sure about anything at the moment, but if i'm essicently killing a type of pain, then doesn't that make me benevolent rather than malevolent? fixing by destroying the main alements.
Shouldn't that mean i'm healing rather than breaking?

.

Been watching your decent into
Things i wish you wouldn't do

The poisoned child you've become
And the stupid things that you have done

I miss the person you use to be
One day maybe you will see

The ways you're evolving
Arent issues resolving