a short silence
for lucipher's wings
a short silence
for jesus' body
a short silence
for the death of youth

breaking for adulthood

being brave is
loving yourself
when no one else
will

when i say i don't need you
what i mean is
i could need you
if you chose to want me to

but how do i tell you
there are little dead girls
rotting like black pebbles
in my ovaries
and i'm still scavenging for the gold
trapped inside burn crusted skins
determined to pull every survivor from
the tomb before the world shifts beneath me again
and lava eats away at the bedrock

i can't let you be the next explosion
that crunches through
my chest and floods it's way
into the cavities of my armor
how do i say this and not come off harsh?
i have **** to do
i can walk with you but i can't walk for you
and i won't walk because of you
unless you walk because of me

if you let go
of my arm and instead
held my hand
if you would look at my eyes
instead of the door
because i'm sitting right here
in front of you, just waiting
for the moment
when you finally notice
i'm not manipulating or planning
i'm not waiting to crush you

i'm not doing anything to you at all
except hoping that you'll
look me in the face
and ask how my day was
and genuinely want to know
and actually listen to what i say
you will notice
you like me a lot better

i still stay up most nights
because sleep ran away
with the part of me that's missing
but i don't imagine that it's with you
because you will not be allowed
to take the valuable bits of me
if you just feel like sampling

and i don't run along fault lines anymore
searching for where the destruction begins
i don't think of you when i'm sad
because i won't allow any person the power
to shift my entire life into collapse

it's too easy to hand me a weapon
and think i won't use it because we all love ourselves
too much to do that, you're making the assumption
that all human beings feel like human beings,
and that's a dangerous thing

you see we all taste our feelings
a bit differently. sword swallowing
is something i do every single day
every muscle in my body is torn
every secret is ripped open and displayed

i feel nothing inside me is sacred
and now i am truly dispensable
but in that, i've found peace
i am nothing, i am guilty of this
but in that silence
there is only freedom
a blank page waiting to be punctured
with only the most carefully cultivated thoughts and feelings

and in the process of decay i have become everything
have been everything at least once
and even through my anger i understand
the people i truly hate
and even through my adoration i see the flaws
in the people i truly love

this is not to tell you i think you are a bad person
but you're a person who would hand me swords
just to see what i would do with them
because you live for yourself, alone
and you're a scary type of person for me
to get too close to, when i live to create love
to the best of my abilities
even when i'm alone

and while i understand it isn't personal and so on
i cannot sit through another year of not knowing
who you are and what you want from me
so i will make this choice for you

with just keys, right pocket, as witness,
truly,
i would fall a little
more with
you close enough, with
you i
could go out every night
or sleep just a little
easier. we slip
into patterned strides,
eyes ablaze under the enclosure of
sodium streetlamps.
through scraps of sienna cloud,
one star emerges:
a steady twinkle in your eyes,
a heartbeat,

a truth and an intractability.

antioxidants, to help
we are poisoning ourselves with every breath
the records in the corner
crumbling underneath the dust in their crates
crunchy warm voices bounce off the sunrise
spinning around and crashing like cymbals
mist at 7 am and a cup of black coffee with two teaspoons of sugar
far away from life
in a corner, under a desk
all my friends want to be cool
i want to hide and be happy in a field
with a mug of steamed milk, with a sweet person
who tells me many things that make me smile
and query, and discuss
they will be the kind of person
i would braid my hair around
when i was listening intently, who would interrupt
themselves to point out a bird startling
and spreading it's wings
or how beautiful winter is under the surface of the sadness
how death is somehow majestic, in the way that
the earth can bring itself back to life after it has lain still and alone
for many months, she can still yield all the possibilities
of fruits in spring
he seemed confused by this idea
i was not upset by this
i was just a bit melancholy but not because of him
because of everything around us
he sees it as cold and uncomfortable
he doesn't understand why i walk outside every night
to teach my body to acclimate to the conditions, this winter
so i can accept it and become it without freezing over inside
and learn to love it as much as the warmth
he rolls his eyes, they all do, they roll their eyes and turn away
and ask why i don't put on more layers instead
why not three sweaters instead of one
why not fight it more, to keep your last skin thin and flawless
i only have one left, i dunno
one skin left, have to get it weathered quickly
before life boomerangs back
this skin is careless and has nothing left to care about
she laughs until she's crying and holding her belly
and she doesn't feel anything but tightening
everything is corroding us from the inside out already
i want to at least breathe in the direction of the moon
once a night

all in footprints i
throw onto the side
walk i mesh with
patterns laid out
like so many
fractions of leaves
caught in an under
tow, when
autumn emerges once more and
streams down the hall, i
can't remember
why
i ever thought at all
that these splinters
inside of me
would just dissolve;
or how
i ever got so
down and out.

little by little, fractures
develop. little by little, i'm
breaking down.
and,
for an eye's blink duration,
i finally understand,
what has come to be, the
sapling of reason i might be able to breathe
a little longer or
curl away, until
the lights in your eyes
become slowly emptying stars,
gracing some horizon, once again,
like
before i found i'd ever fall for you,
and the split-second it took to change that.

'cause, now,
i can't stay asleep,
i can't sleep, can't
find sleep, amongst these tides,
i can't sleep anywhere,
can't
          do this
anymore, {for the thirty-seventh time, I whisper.}

the moment dissolves.
awake, eyes closing.
the splinters don't budge.

still awake,
twisting nothing.

I’ve told you this gently, slyly
So you can’t tell how angry I am.
Every frustrated stitch of rage
Has been crafted and calculated.
I have made politics pretty
In hope its needled message
Will pierce your eye with its urgency.
Use your pain to see the opportunity
There is a gap in the clouds and
A singular moment is shining through.
It is a chance for change
A cleansing baptism of illumination
So that as you get to the gate
And notice where I’ve hung my rage
This appliqué of angst and hope
Will let you unlock the capitalist gate
Take back control
And walk the difficult path to freedom