freedom
that’s what I wanted when I thought about being “an adult”
but here i am fighting these white and black ways of thinking
looking down the drain for my inner child, knowing that if I go deep enough
if I ignore the darkness
Bring light to the traumas
I might win
I might live
I might find a meaning beyond the material world

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example, 'The night is starry
and the stars are blue and shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is starry and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight tries to find her as though to bring her closer.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. As she was before my kisses.
Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.


translated by W.S. Merwin

Thank you.
For wiping my sorrow away.
You've been here through it all...
I am more than grateful
I am overwhelmed
Thank you.
For listening when my voice became mute
You're the best of the best
I am bless.
Thank you.
For being here when I become invisible through the eyes of the world.
Thank you ....
You'll aways be more than a friend
I'll be here until the end.

I never ever .... Felt like this.
Okay maybe I had
But...but
What I feel is indifferent  .
I ask myself , am I lonely?
But I doubt it.
Maybe this is part of growing up.
Being so deep into my thoughts that at times I drown.
I feel scared .
Something is missing .
But what?
What is that my 17 year old mind is missing?
I say mind because it all in my head.  
So maybe it's knowledge.
Knowledge that will make me wiser.
Wise enough to know words and ways of a good writer.
A good person.
A better person I should say..

At the age of 6 I was  put out of my comfort zone
As a six year old this made me extremely timid
It changed me
I was terrified of everything
I was afraid of my own mother who left me at the age of 2
To me she was a stranger
I was afraid of my classmates I never saw so many people that look nothing like me
They spoke differently
They knew games I wasn't familiar with

I used to be extremely outspoken to the point where ironically I was bullied verbally
I would never forget those girls growing up
But yet I was comfortable in my own skin,  I was in love with myself

A year after being in the United States
I learned to love my mom
I know it sounds weird to learn to love your mom
But that's what as seven year old I learn to do when I accepted  the fact my real mother is nothing like the one that raised me...

Extremely sentive
Dual natured
fake? No not me
I like the term "open minded" better
I change my thoughts more than enough
My heart is hurt it can't take it any more
My brain is relentless

Raindrops fill the ground
This is a walk to remember
We hate each other
We love each other
And it's funny because I met you on a sunny day.