So, tonight I learned a few things while hanging out with Anjali. She may not even realize she had me thinking as hard about the things she said as I actually am. She probably has no clue. But as we were hanging out she started talking about loneliness... her friend group... how summer has been utterly slow for her. How she can't wait to go back to college even though she'll miss her family.

It really got me thinking. I'm not the only one feeling alone. I'm not the only one feeling as if I have no one. I'm not being alone, alone. It made me feeling sympathetic.... mostly because I'd known exactly how she's been feeling.

This summer has been the longest yet. If compared to last summer, so much has changed. I mean, what did I expect? To move back and everything be just as it was last summer? I knew things would be different, but they're just SO MUCH MORE DIFFERENT than I thought. Angel just had a BABY. Like, my old time partner in crime, was now a mother. She now has a whole nother world to take care of. A whole nother life.

Justin doesn't live in Globe this summer. I dont know if he just didn't want to, or because living arrangements going from here to there were going to be more difficult if he moved back. I really don't know. I just know last summer he was completely in love with me, and by the way he texts me, he still is. But he has a girl friend now. And we did hangout last weekend. And if I hadn't gotten so ****** up on edibles, I could've paid more attention to him.

Other friends? Well, I don't really have any other friends. I have some family. That counts, kind of. There's kass and dominic, but they both live an hour and fifteen minutes away. And I mean, there's Kahlia. She's sweet and she says she trusts me so much, but like, will she answer if I call crying and broken? I just feel like she has so many other friends.

I wish I had a friend right now. This summer. A summer friend. Ya know? Someone to come with me even if it's just to put gas? Someone to eat nachos with? The more I talk about this, the more I think of Trevor. He was my summer friend at the beginning of the summer, until he moved. I wish I would've appreciated him more. I wish I had him back in globe because I seriously have no one to hangout with. I miss him so much. It's bringing me to tears thinking about this honestly. Noah too. We hungout at the beginning of summer and now when I need him, he's MIA. I give boys a little more leeway just because they're boys and they're not gonna be texting all the time, or bugging to hangout, but I wish they would. Jeremy made an effort for about a week to hangout with me, and now we hardly talk again.

Is something wrong with me? Do people get tired of me? Why don't I ******* have friends anymore? Why doesn't Daniel like me anymore?

Daniel. Yeah. I'm not sure if I'm crazy, or he's a ****. Either way I'm heart broken. He doesn't want me and now I have to block on twitter everything because my feelings are hurt, but that's just more of a reason for me to seem ******. Ugh. Maybe I am ******.

SUMMER MAKES ME FEEL LIKE ****

On the weekends you liked to leave me.
Go up in the mountains and get high as a kite.
You liked to see things.
I would stay home and I would be dreaming of a night when we wouldn't get in a fight.
I was okay but not completely,
with the idea that you were losing your mind.
I would mourn for you,
for the guy I knew,
for the sober mind that would be in my bed.
I stayed with you,
and darling, I prayed that you,
would just stop ******* with my head.

Words can't explain how much I love you.
So, this poem is pointless.

If he needs it, I got it, and i'll give it to him.
If he wants it, I got it, and i'll give it to him.
If he asks, i'll say yes.
I'll put my pride aside, and ride it.
No feelings.
You're having a bad night?
Lose yourself inside of me, literally.
Maybe being under you, and it being so rough, will make me forget the last time, the last feelings of love.
I don't want you and you don't want the strings,
but we can **** every Saturday night at the cemetery.
I'll help you, while you're helping me.

**** your big brown eyes
**** your paintings
**** your music
**** your kisses
**** your girlfriend
**** LSD
**** your jeep
**** the fact that you led me the **** on once again and kissed me.
**** me for letting it happen.

Yeah. I know how he feels now. Which is better than wondering. But it's whatever. He was nice in person at least. So I mean, yeah. I just had to see one last time ya know? I'm still completely in love with him. And I know things aren't gonna change. But I tried. And at least he knows how I feel too. Even if he doesn't give two *****.

He's not my boyfriend.... but yes, he does stay the night. He sleeps in my bed. We brush our teeth together. I scratch his back. We stay awake until 4 am talking about life until we both agree it's time we get some sleep.

He's not my boyfriend.... but yes, he did get me to stop smoking ****. He did get me to start studying more. He did get me to focus on my goals in life. He did get me to start going to the gym and eating healthy.

He's not my boyfriend.... but yes, I do make him dinner. I make him a cup of tea every night. He didn't even like tea to begin with, and now he requests a cup every night.

He's not my boyfriend... but yes, we do spend some nights alone, eating ice cream, watching movies, and sort of snuggling together.

He's not my boyfriend... but yes, I did tell him Me and Your Mama by Childish Gambino is my favorite song and he plays it everytime we get in his truck.

He's not my boyfriend, but......

I just don't know what to do.

I spent a whole week watching sad movies and crying because I just couldn't handle it anymore. I couldn't help but want you. It's been over a year since we broke up. And you hurt my feelings so much that week... I finally poured my heart out to you... and you were so ******* mean. You said you weren't interested in me, nor will you ever be. And those words cut deep..... I didn't think I would ever be able to toughen up and see you, but I did. And I was afraid to say anything wrong because you seemed so angry and I just wanted to bring back to life all that we had let die in the past year.... you were my first everything basically and I know it seemed like I threw it all away.... but I never let it go. And it still makes my heart beat a little faster. Makes my chest hurt. Makes me have that feeling in my stomach where I think I have to **** but I'm just nervous and stressed because I know I messed things up so long ago and I still haven't had any closure.

Things got more confusing last weekend when we hung out. I know I shouldn't have, but I wanted to. And I missed you. And I was just waiting for something to happen. I didn't think your life in the city was so freakin boring, but then again, you isolated yourself while you were with her, so you don't necessarily have any close friends. That night was pretty rad. I showed you what I had been doing to forget you when I came to the city. And you liked it. And I didn't think you would because you wouldn't even dance w me at prom and here we were at some random club in the sketchy part of town, drunk, and grinding. You were grabbing my hips. I was grabbing yours as well. And we danced the night away. And that sounds so cliche but it happened . And you were fine to drive but you stayed the night anyways. And I couldn't sleep because I knew the love of my life was literally inches away.... and I couldn't bring myself to touch you.... until the next morning when I woke you up because I was tired of not sleeping. Tired of laying there freezing cold knowing I had a warm body next to me. One so familiar and so beautiful.... and I didn't have to do much... because you embraced me and we both watched the room fill up with light and we didn't say much because the silence was nice... and you kept me warm and I never let you hold me so much... the moment was so bitter sweet and I knew something like this wouldn't happen again for a very long time. Our faces grew closer and closer until we were touching lips but not quite kissing yet... and before I knew it, our lips were dancing, our hands were wandering, and I couldn't quite take it all in. It was all so natural. And raw. I remember looking in your big brown eyes.... finding the person I left over a year ago. After everything, the walls were down. And I knew I never wanted to be touched by another soul.... I never wanted to share anything beautiful with anyone else.

I also knew you didn't feel this deeply about me anymore and it crushed the **** out of my heart. I knew this moment was bound to end and I had the power to say when. I knew we couldn't lay on this ******* pull out couch forever. But I wish we could've.

Him: you can be my friend.
Me: yeah, I'll be your friend.
Him: promise?
Me: pinky

1/14/17

Nothing helps.
I've tried it all.
I've tried the drugs.
I've tried the whiskey.
But it still always hits me.
And if I feel this way for the rest of my life,
I don't know what I'll do.
I'm ******* connected to you.

I know I blocked you and you blocked me, but somehow I just wish there was a way that you would randomly come across this random page on this random website and realize it's me, writing about you. But, enough of that. Let's make this me, writing about me.

It's the girl you loved just a year ago. It's the girl who loves pop rocks and totally freaks out when she gets something in her eye. It's the girl with the small button nose that you've yet to see on anyone else. It's the girl who is down to sing at the top of her lungs in the car with you. It's the girl who is no longer going to make the recipe for perfection. It's the girl who used to pinch you with her toes. It's the girl who would blow in your mouth when we would kiss. The girl who took your virginity. The girl who tried so desperately hard to make sure you were happy and safe. The girl who wanted nothing but the best for you.

If
I
Die
Will
I
Stop
Feeling
******
?

He still doesn't ******* want me.
I don't even ******* want me.

**** this connection
I want to be alone
Get out of my head
This mind isn't your home
I'm wide awake, and you probably are too.
You're thinking of me, I'm thinking of you.
What happens when we stop thinking together?
Will I finally feel okay?

All my friends have gone away
They have their own hobbies or jobs
Smoking tree or living by the sea
And so, so far away from me

To be home and to be alone
Is very underrated
I crave to create and I crave conversation
But being alone has caused aniexty, doubt, and hesitation

This summer had been the longest yet
I'm trying to move on and I'm trying to forget the things I had left in this town two summers ago
The smell of eucalyptus still haunts me
the road by your house, the need to look into your driveway, still taunts me