This is the most depressing
time of my young life.

Every day I wake up,
it's a struggle to survive,
to get high,
to smile honestly.

But it's perfect writing material.

The misery of working a full time job,
trying to succeed in College,
while maintaining friendships, and relationships.

Impossible, by the way.

They don't tell you this when you're young,
in fear that you'll actually go ahead
and take that final solution,
but it doesn't always get better..

in fact, sometimes it gets worse.

But this time
there's no finish line and a flag
that says, "You're done!"

Because this is the real world,
and in the real world you don't get
a ribbon just for showing up.

I saw you and your little family today.
It was only for a second,
as I drove by from my busy life.
I hope you know how lucky
you are.
I hope that it's all enough,
to keep you happy.
This may not have been the life
you chose,
but its obviously the one you were meant
to live.
So I guess what I'm saying is,
don't have any regrets, or wonder what
could have been, with me.
Because none of that matters now,
a year later,
and look where we are.
Strangers again.

I changed my major today.
The one I quickly picked
a year ago,
English.
After experiencing my
first year of college,
I discovered that what I
really want to do,
is help people.
So now I am a social work major.
I am never as hopeful
and excited for my future
as I am when I know I'm
going in the right direction.
It will take some time,
and loads of hard work,
but one day I will achieve
all of my dreams.

If I told him how much
I actually truly miss him he
wouldn't believe me.
I could message him and pour my
heart out all over his arms,
and he wouldn't believe me.
If I told him I miss the smell of
his room,
watching his meticulous, yet ***** hands work.
All of the answers and the knowledge
that he contained in that absolutely
beautiful misunderstood brain.
He wouldn't believe me,
because he believes that I discarded him
like a cigarette **** out of my window.
Hell, he may not believe me,
even if I mailed every poem I've ever
written about him to his address.
It would be a book by now.
He doesn't know how much I miss
the friend that cared for me when nobody else did.

I have never missed anybody for this amount of time.
But he was never just anybody to me,
he became everything.

It's sad but it's true.
People are more likely
to pick a side,
than to lend a hand
when some one is falling
apart.

If you asked me,
"How are you?"
I wouldn't know how to answer.

                                I am everything.

Every human emotion runs through
my body all the time,
and they fluctuate even faster.
One second I can be the happiest I've
been in awhile,
and the next,
terribly angry,
or depressingly sad.

I do not blame these crazy feelings
on anyone,
other than myself.

My boyfriend is exceptional at always
keeping a smile on my face,
but even in his presence I can still not be okay.

Each day is a struggle,
to keep trying,
fighting,
sleeping,
working,
not pulling,
smiling.

     Sometimes I wonder if I will ever wake up
       and feel like everything is okay.

There are some things that
I would like to change.
About myself.
To become a happier, healthier me.

Eat healthier. Cut fast food from
my diet.
Stop biting my nails,
stop feeling guilty, and
stop trying to make things okay with people from my past who don't deserve my effort.
I want to start dressing the way I want to without worrying about being judged by someone.
Do something good for someone at least once a day.
Work harder,
study harder,
sleep more.
Spend more time with my family, and my mom.
Find a way to start saving money.
Get Health insurance.
Write something every day on here.

And finally,
get my trichotillomania under control. I want to start keeping a diary, and keeping track of when and what causes me to pull. Learn ways to stop, or substitute the pulling with something else.. like reading, drawing, writing, painting, SOMETHING!

Oh, and to smile, every

  day.

:)