maybe i don’t like you
maybe i like the idea of liking you
maybe i don’t like being lonely
maybe i like being alone

you see it’s hard for me
it’s hard to know what i feel
because what else can you expect
from someone who doesn’t
f e e l a n y t h i n g

having a heart keeps you alive
but it doesn’t make you feel alive
i can’t tell you what anger feels like
i can only tell you what it sounds like
i can’t tell you what sadness feels like
i can only tell you their signs
i can’t tell you what happiness looks like
i can only tell you it doesnt last

i see the world in colours
they tell me what that person is feeling
they tell me who that person is
they tell me the secrets they hold
but i can’t tell you how it feels like
because i can’t feel

i can’t feel
i can’t feel
i can’t feel
but why do i feel something
when i think of you?

Another minute goes by and I'm not thinking about your
eyes
lips
hair
nose
hands
heart
soul.
Maybe it's because I have left the prison I built for myself,
or it's probably due to the fact that I have seen galaxies in the eyes of another.
I don't need you anymore;
you're just a ghost in the background,
an insubstantial space in my garden that will never bear flowers.

the mirror is my enemy
my body is a vessel
my soul has blackened the tender parts of my mind
and imprinted on the exterior

i couldnt help but stare
at my reflection and feel
nothing but hatred and anger
knowing that; i emptied myself
i hate it
i hate my vessel

it's funny how a person's scent continues to linger
even though they haven't been around for ages
or maybe worn that shirt you still keep
at the bottom of your wardrobe

it's sad that after all this time,
i still remember the way you smiled
every time you laugh,
your eyes crinkle up and your laughter propagates
filling the emptiness inside of me

maybe it's my fault
that i've invited you in
and allowed you to build a home for yourself
i can't let you go
but at the same time i can't wait
to kick you out

i've learnt
how fragile the human mind can be
it shatters at a single thought
but strengthens when threatened

i've realised
how easier it is to breathe
without you occupying my thoughts
and intoxicating my lungs
with your scent
i've missed it so

i've accepted
that i could never be wholesome enough
for you to love
that you could never open up
to the poison laced between my words

we are worlds apart
and i'm slowly pulling myself together
to acknowledge that we'll always stay that way

i'm such an idiot
i chased around,
trying to catch the brightest star
when i already had the world in my palms

if i could measure the amount of how sorry i feel,
even the boundaries of space wouldn't be enough
i regret being so blind
that i couldn't see my fingers in front of me

i don't deserve you
but if you choose to give me one more chance,
i wouldn't waste it
you are the only thing that matters right now,
and i don't want to lose the main reason why i'm trying everyday to get better

i've watched the way the sun kisses the earth,
early in the morning.
i've seen the way waves embrace
the shoreline like an old forgotten lover.
i've witnessed how words,
could break a person.
i've experienced the way,
the light went out from your eyes
and i've understood the real meaning
of what it feels like
to be hollow.

I fell in love with a boy
whose smile outshined the stars in the night sky

I fell in love with a boy
who couldn't stop laughing
with the crinkles by his eyes
making him look older than he is

I fell in love with a boy
who had dreams
big ones too,
and the world was his oasis

I fell in love with a boy
who could make the saddest story
have a happy ending

I fell in love with a boy
and how lucky I feel
to have loved than never loved at all.

We all have to  make them
doesn't matter if it's good or bad
you'll still face the consequences
and the setbacks of life

So what if someone comes from a different background?
So what if the sky's not blue today?
Is the world ending?

You see,
perspective is key
and the way you perceive things
may be different from someone else's.
The reason why fights still occur (in my opinion)
is the decisions that they make.
To be, or not to be?
That is the question.

i want to believe that i'm worthy of care
that someone out there could love me,
accept my quirky innuendos and
sullen moments

i want to believe that
the thoughts of me could cloud someone's mind
and make it impossible to forget
because i've been cast aside one, too many times
to put faith in the impossible

i'm never direct about my feelings
in fact, they are the reason why i'm drowning
within the recesses of my mind

maybe thats why its easy;
for me to glance at any pair of onyx orbs,
and see the misery and pain behind great walls
but they're so close to breaking
one touch and i'm afraid they might break

human beings are solid,
the atoms in our bodies packed so tightly,
holding us together
and i'm half-convinced that they'd do it for forever
but not even they could protect us
from the fragility of our hearts
and the naivety of our minds

words are manipulative, they twist and turn like a labyrinth waiting to be exploited by anyone who dares to try and if they fail, they'll fall deeper into their subconscious waiting for the victor who would free their condemned emotions.

Have you ever felt so lonely, sitting in a room full of people, with chattering of others coming from your left and your right and laughter exploding in surround sound, and wonder, "Why me?"

Why am I usually the one who stands a few millimeters away from the group? Why am I always left alone? Why doesn't anyone go out of their way to offer a smile or a simple hello?

Some days I feel like tugging at my hair as hard as I can, not caring how my scalp screams in agony or how many clumps of hair I pull out. Why? Because I don't get what I'm doing wrong. I love the solitude and the lack of attention I get from the general public but it's a different case when it comes from the people I trust. Sometimes I wonder if it's my fault for being a recluse but after hours and hours of reflection, I realise that I've always tried to be inclusive. For someone like me, it's difficult. Actually, it's frustrating and scary and I'm terrified to death. But I still make the effort because I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.

One day I'll stop trying holding myself together and I wonder if I'd disintegrate into dust or will I shatter like glass instead?

"Look at the stars, look at how they shine for you."
I know it's cliche but
no one feels special anymore.
Raise your hand if you've ever been ignored,
pushed back into the inner, most darkest most dustiest part of your mind,
so that you could fit in and laugh along with people
who're completely oblivious to the pandemonium inside your mind

Everyday I spend at least an hour,
maybe even more
to practice the poker face I'd put for the day
and everyday I crumble as soon as my door closes again.
Don't,
don't be afraid to laugh like a complete idiot
with a group of people who would laugh with you,
never at you.
Don't change the way you look
just because someone said
something that makes you feel bad about yourself.

Appearance does not define beauty,
on the contrary, it amplifies the unhealthy need for perfection.
Why aim for something so stoic, when you could enjoy life as it is?
Sit down and enjoy the breeze,
open your eyes and sink your teeth into the wonders of nature.

You'd be surprised the the boundless beauty of it.

I'm not good with words,
in fact I'm horrible at it
I can never cope with the indecision to choose which words to use
or fuss over grammatical ratification
and I could never transition my thoughts into perfect little sentences

but the sun was shining so radiantly,
amplifying the contours of your face,
from your rich brown eyes,
to hair that looked so soft it shouldn't exist,
and at that moment I thought;
"if you could see yourself right now,
you'd be rendered speechless too,"

I didn't like the colour pink
nor did I play dress up and called for tea parties in the afternoon
I tend to stand out a little
maybe too much, in a bad way
and all I hear is the resounding laughter
coming from my left, my right and everywhere

"Maybe they're not laughing at you," I try to soothe my savaged nerves
but the damage's been done
I'm running out the door
I'm caught between reality and dream
all the **** ******* time

you can't erase a thought
you can't purge a memory
and you can't pretend it didn't happen

I never knew how to ever start writing poems
the stanzas are either too little
or too much
sometimes I give up all together
and lay in my room or stare at the stars in the night sky
(if there were any)

but one thing I do know
is how small the fragments of a broken heart can be
how it shatters and obliterates even before it hits
how the edges are never sharp, but always smooth and worn out
its sad how oblivious the world is
to someone who just got their heart broken
by the one they trusted the most.