funny how
two people could
believe in
the concept
of “timing”
without even
checking if
their watches
are
in sync

i knew you enough
that it would not be absurd
to arrive on
a universal conclusion
that you look better
skinless, muscleless, deboned
like an enthusiastic med student,
i would ****
just to have your cadaver
so i can passionately
anatomize you
the same way
a musician with a good ear
can dissect a song
saying it non-metaphorically,
the sum of your parts
is a million times better
than your entirety
sure, everyone hailed you a genius
but you didn’t know that, did you?
because you kept on
settling
for people who
never saw you
beyond
your
glistening
body sheets

I never knew
I was in a game
until I realized that I was playing
with a strategist
who knew where to hit, the angle to shoot from
what my Achilles heel was,
the most fragile part to touch
a witty ***** who tickled my inner sleuth,
poked my curiosity
i started gathering
dates, hours, minutes, seconds,
mixed signals,
distorted paragraphs,
slurred sentences,
and
ambiguous words
like a bunch of clues
and then i would act like Sherlock
as if you’re a case to crack
and you knew that I don’t give up on my cases
until they’re closed
well, i guess
i was just right not telling
you something you were always
blithely aware of
that
the ticket to my heart will always
be through my thoughts
being the clever ******* that you were,
you already knew what would pester me consistently
you must have wanted to torment me so much
**that you
made
yourself
a
“what if”

Back when I was in this height,
I despised cigarettes
because I have a history of it burning my finger
But one day in class,
I asked my teacher
“Why do people still keep on selling them when the box clearly says ‘Smoking is dangerous to your health?’”
The aim wasn’t at you but you took the bullet
You, out of all people,
were brave enough to outsmart someone
who should be smarter than the rest of us
All my senses went bonkers except for my sense of sight
I looked at you, my eyes selfishly held you
that I wasn’t able to bag any of your words
Up to this date
What you exactly said about those **** cigarettes
is still a question that keeps on swimming in the depths of my head
but
it always felt like
the blurry words uncloaked letter by letter
every ******* time
I inhaled you
and
exhaled you

This will be the last time I will write about you

Sure enough, this statement will just disintegrate into dust and fall
into a litter of all the “this will be last time“‘s I’ve
said
I know myself too much already
That it will be a bad lie to say that I’ve closed the chapter
Your chapter
That I had intentionally dog-eared so I won’t get lost in rummaging
through the pages
Fact is, even if I didn’t
I took a mental picture of the page number
Another fact is, I always claim that I have ended it
But I secretly sneak and dig up the book I’ve buried just to read you
again
Because every time I thought I lost the feeling, I will feel euphoric
for split seconds
But then I will feel so empty that I have to get the feeling back
immediately
I don’t know if you just became a habit that morphed into something
hard to break

I also don’t know if this is the real thing
I’ve been sitting between two chairs for a long time
It was always a battle: your idea versus reality
But no matter how much I fool myself that I’m a thinking person now,
I will always be a slave of my own disgusting feelings

I don’t want to lose the feeling of how you make me feel
I don’t want to lose the thought of you, only you, and your distinct
power over this diamond-hard heart
I don’t want to lose the tingling of my nerves when your details seep
in
How being with you is not one of my disposable days
You’re not extraordinary, not rare
you’re exceptional
That you will always make me look for you in other people
You’re not a fish, you’re the Loch Ness Monster
Maybe you’re just a hoax, but there’s only one of you
And that I think,
is the best and
(at the same time)
worst thing
about you