pick up the gun
put it to your head
pull the trigger
you are your very own death wish
you are your very own suicide note
don't hesitate this time
don't be a coward
be not afraid
for this is the peace you have prayed for
this is the forgiveness you have longed to taste since the day your heart fell from its perch in your chest
to beat its wings like a dying bird against the unforgiving pavement
this is a blessing
written on a bullet in blood that hasn't been spilled yet
this is a blessing
this is relief
from the long nights staring at the ceiling trying to count how many reasons there are to stay
and realizing that you've got a list as long as one
and the opposition is coming at you with its big guns
this is relief
empty the bottle
you'll need all the pain killers you have
you'll need all the jack daniel's you have
taste it sour on your tongue
don't you know child this is what freedom tastes like
shift
what are you doing
how could you do this to them
think of someone else for once in your god ****** life
you pull that trigger and you leave you siblings alone
your mother gets one more child six feet under
are you really going to cause that
how are you going to justify this you fool
do you really think this will fix anything
with you dead what will happen
you'll have set a precedent
you'll have established the idea in your baby brothers' heads that
the answer to hard times
is at the bottom of the bottle of ibuprofen to be followed quickly with the last of a bottle of *** that you found in the back of the cooking cabinet and that tastes more like fire than the rage burning just beneath your skin
shift
don't back out now
don't be a coward
you can do this
you can make this change
you can get away you can be free you can be happy
you can be dead
pull the trigger
drain the bottle
swallow the pills
tie the rope
stand on the chair
loop it around your neck like a strand of pearls
count to three and jump
this is the last time you'll look at these walls and tremble with the fear of living
this is the last time you'll look at these walls
you can be free
you can be happy
you can be dead
shift
just picture it
your mother
sitting in a black dress
she's wearing her earrings for this you know
dug them out of the bottom of that jewelry box that she hasn't opened since great grandpa died
you did this
you did this
you did this
your little sister cries for the first time since she was nine
your baby brother asks why you killed yourself asks why he wasn't good enough blames himself blames you blames god
you did this
your grandmother
angel that she is
finally gets to hear about what a disappointment you are
except she hears it secondhand
from the trembling lips of a friend
or a will that you write while holding your freedom in one hand
and what sort of victory is that
what sort of coward are you that you come out to your family in a suicide note
shift
no this is freedom
this is happiness
this is eighteen years of being told you aren't good enough
do it
do it
do it
do it
you can do this
this is the one thing you can do
this is the one thing you have control over
this is your escape
this is your freedom
tied together with a string
it's been waiting for you all this time
all you have to do is welcome it with open arms
shift
how could you
shift
please don't back out now
shift
what about your father
shift
this is what you're good at
shift
funny how i can't seem to think of a reason not to die
that has anything to do with me

i fell in love once
and my love was the ocean
deep and dark and unexplored
a mystery wrapped in seaweed
and colored with the shades
that nebula and dying stars
reserve for their coldest parts
it was an easy fall
like laying down after a long day
of holding up the universe
with only your pinky finger and
a stack of phone books
or like sinking into the water
not drowning
but hovering
just beneath the surface
air is just an inch away
and you are surrounded by warmth
by cold
by water
my love was so beautiful
their voice was a dying star
an explosion as life is melted into light
the noise of it absorbed by void
and absence
and nothing
their body was the oldest tree in the oldest forest
tall and wide and strong
and dying
but still beautiful
still green and lush where the branches were resisting
still brushing leaves across the sky like caressing the clouds
still humming the noises of a settling life
and since this act of falling in love
i have found that the easiest love to fall into
isn't romantic at all