alone once again
so alone it tends to hurt
why am i alone

my anxiety as like a little creature in the back of my head
sometimes i like them, but they make it hard to get out of bed
they make me expect the worst
like what if i suddenly burst
it makes it harder for me to try new things
it makes me have to hide my wings
it makes me overthink every little thing
i even overthink when putting on a ring
im scared if i try i will fall
if i do i know i will ball
this is why i no longer try
anxiety is why i want to die

At night i cry myself to sleep
Thinking a little bit too deep
At night i hold myself so tight
Hoping i won't get a fright
At night i wait by the phone
Hoping i will hear its tone
At night i lay in silence
Wanting to seek some guidance
At night i try to fall asleep
Before my mind goes too deep

If you were a dream
I wouldnt let it end
If you were a book
Id read you again
If you were a ride
Id go for a trip
If you were the ocean
Id go for a swim
If you were a coat
Id were you all week
If you were a teddy bear
Id hold you close
If you were a movie
Id watch you again
If you were a picture
Id have you on my wall
If you were a light
I wouldnt let you burn out
If you were a candle
You would shine bright all night
If you were a key
I would give you my lock
All because i love you

I loved you more than anything
I treated you as if you were my king
All returned were lies
Then you got the nerve to treat me like a fly
You never cared
Nor acknowledged that i was there
I was there when you needed me
You could shoe me away at any given moment
But if needed something i could never withhold it
You hurt me more than anything
But i still love you so don't forget it

here we go again
we're trying once more
we have opened our door
here we go again
this time its going great
maybe its just fate
here we go again
we're risking it all
but we dont want it to fall
here we go again
this time we both dont want it to end
we dont only want to be friends

surprise surprise it happened again
he hurt me once more he is not a friend
he said i was annoying from the start
i shouldve known he would break my heart
he blocked me saying its not his fault its mine
i guess i messed it up this time
so now im here alone and hurt again
i feel like im about to rain
i knew i wasnt enough but i still tried
but my trying led to heart break and crying
but its ok because everyone around me is happy
even though im sitting here feeling so d*mn ******
all my friends warned me that i was going to get hurt
but i let there warning go in the dirt
i dont know whats going to happen to me
for me to be happy i need someone to love me
i should know by now i can not be love
i try and try but i just get shoved
i should just give up
and take a drink from a death cup
but then id be leaving those who care
and i know that would not be far

I love you because you treat me like a queen
I love you because you make me feel like i shouldnt leave
I love you because you make me feel a way no one can ever make me feel
I love you because your there to wipe my tears way when they fall like rain from my eyes
I love you because you never fail to bring a smile to my face no matter how sad the sky seems to be
I love you because you make me feel like i dont need to scare up my body to feel something real
I love you because even though you are broken you try so hard to fix me
I love you because you never leave even when i need you the most
I love you because your ok with me not being perfect
I love you because you love me for me
I love you because no matter how many rumors you hear about me you trust me over them
I love you because not only my brain but my heart tells me to love you
I love you because your you

im done with crying
im done with hurting
im done with trying
im done with fighting
im done
im not going to end it but im done with trying to make others happy that dont care nor try thats what im done with

i need someone to love me for me
i need someone to always be there for me
i need someone to care for me
i need someone to help me
i need someone to need me as much as i need them
i need someone that is happy with me
i need someone who is proud of me
i need what i cant have

falling in love is like standing on a stool with a noose around your neck hoping they dont pull the stool from under your feet

music is one of the few things that can actually help me
it actually helps me feel free
there's always a song out there that can describe what you feel
no matter what it can make me heal
but it can make things worse or better depending on the song
it can always go wrong

There i am in a rose field,
swaying in the wind like any other rose
Just like any rose i catch the eye of mothers and daughters
That seems like it would be pretty nice right? Its not
Its lonely, they always come and go picking other roses and not me
They don't pick me because im not red, i'm blue
I'm blue with purple frosted tips
I used to like being different
I would stand out in the huge field of beautiful roses
But it changed
Kids would walk by saying
“the fairies messed up on that one mommy”
The mother would respond with “they did huh dear?”
At first i would let it slide off my pedals like it was a drop of water
But the drops grew
They grew till it was too heavy for me to carry
The drops wouldn't slide off
So i started drooping
I started drooping as if i were a weak tree holding a panda at the top
Then just like any rose, i started wilting
I started to wilt more and more every day
My purple tipped petals turned to brown tips
My soft smooth pedals turned to dry bumpy pedals
  Then before morning i was gone
I have finally wilted away
It was as if i was never there

“Do you cut because you want to die?”
I don't self harm because i want to die
I self harm because i want to feel
I self harm because i dont want to hurt so much on the inside
I self harm because i want to know that im still a person
I self harm because watching the blood run down my legs reminds me that im alive
I self harm because i want to know im not numb
I self harm because i want to feel something other than regret and worry
I self harm because when no one else is there for me that razor sharp blade always is
I self harm because watching my skin split into two makes me feel alive
I self harm not only because im suicidal
But because i need help
I self harm because I need help and dont know what words to say

why
thats a question i ask all day everyday
why was i brought here
why wasnt i enough
why cant i do it right
why cant i help others
why do i only make people mad
why do i even try
why would he lie to me
why
i ask over and over and i never get answered
and why is that?
because no one cares to answer
no one cares to help
no one cares for what i asked
no one cares. about me

i write these things to express what i hide
ive used my words ive really tried
it never works
it always blows up like fireworks
ive tried a diary but it was like talking
it only sounds like im mocking
so instead of a dairy i write poems
no one can understand them unless they feel the same
if they do there is no shame
its easier to express how i feel
it always seems to help me heal
some understand certain poems but not all
if they feel the same or can relate in someway they connect the dots on the wall