I tried not to look back… Honest to God, I grasped hold of everything inside me and willed myself to play it cool, be the Woody Allen character for just once and just walk on; but that isn’t who I am. Cusack intervened, and I watched your four headlights round the corner and continue on. Four, not because that’s how many there were, but because that’s how many I saw through the sheen of tears that blanketed my eyes.
“What’s wrong?” she asked as I walked into the house…
“Nothing. Everything. Life. Love.” She didn’t know how to respond and so instead, left me to my own devices once again.
I bolted the lock on the door and I sat down to think. Why? Why do we always find ourselves here? How is it that this is always the road that we end up walking together, so close, yet so very far apart? And how do we rectify this situation?
A thousand years ago, it was you who put forth too much, nearly to the point of suffocation. And presently, I am the stranglehold of our existence …
Yet how could we hold each other so passionately, kiss so deeply, if there wasn’t all of that and more, right here and now…?
As the tail lights faded, I asked myself these questions, and as I finish pouring out these words, I return to the very same sentiment…
Turn around.
I am here, ready and waiting for anything and everything, regardless of the naysayers. Regardless of myself…
Turn around.

... to tell you the truth.

How do I know that it was real...?
The answer comes easy after all this time.
It was those early morning hours in the kitchen, you cooking for the two of us and me standing, watching. You, looking as beautiful as I have ever seen you and me, observing and receiving your deep brown eyes.
It was in those moments, with the golden light of the newborn star shining in through the window and falling upon your mishap hair, that I truly found myself in love, heart and soul.
You, in your Halloween apron in March. You, with your tea driven eyes on my sleepy smiles. That was when I knew it could work; when I was sure it could be.
Because I crave those mornings. I dream of them. And those dreams leave me haunted and lonely, yet filled and hoping. They drive my day and possess my nights.
It should never have felt true that I didn't show it. I had merely counted on the chance to tell you in person...
How sad it is that the joke is now on me.

All alone is all we are. And a little voice inside says don’t look back. You can never look back. Cause tramps like us, baby we were born to run. Run, to the middle of nowhere. To the middle of my frustrated fears and I swear… By the moon and the stars in the sky, I’ll be there. I wanna get me a little oblivion baby, and try to keep myself away from me. Cause I’m my own worst enemy. And everything falls apart then I try to put it back together. But maybe, you’re gonna be the one that saves me…
Here comes the sun. I don’t need no arms around me. And it’s alright. And I don’t need no drugs to calm me. It’s been a long cold lonely winter. I have seen the writing on the wall. And I say it’s alright. Don’t think I need anything at all.
A long, long time ago, I can still remember December promise you gave unto me. And you’re so vain but that’s what I like about you. You always were the one to show me how. And she says that love is for fools that fall behind and I’m somewhere between. My brown eyed girl. But that’s how it goes. Why you wanna hide it? It’s the one thing we can choose…
This is how I show my love. And I swear to this. This is how an angel cries. She felt like velvet. Blame it on my ADD, baby. And she comes to take me away. Sail with me into the dark. She’s all that I needed.
Follow me into the desert and you’ll see me, half the man I used to be. But all we need is just a little patience and all that glitters is gold but it doesn’t mean a thing if it ain’t got that swing. So hang down your head, little Darlin’, lying awake, intently tuning in on you. And feel the rhythm take hold, those good, good, good, good vibrations. Cause every little thing is gonna be alright. With or without you.
Wish you were here.

And here I am again, holding my breath on the wrong end of a phone line that just rings. Where are you? I just wanted to hear your voice before I went to sleep.
And now I fear I shall never sleep. My mind is shaking violently and my body has started to follow. I can feel the heat of the tears building behind my eyes, painful and bitter. I bite back on my tongue to keep the moans from coming, and whimper instead.
How could I let you bring me to this again, after everything? What a fool I have been to allow myself to fall prey to your words, lulling me into submission with your sirens call. If this all seems familiar, my Friend, it is because it is. All too familiar.
Maybe if I try again? Maybe she was just away from the phone or the ringer was silent… But there is just the ringing again, and each tone sounds more like a cold laugh than the one before it. I should not let myself feel this way. There is no reason. There is no reason. But that doesn’t make it go away and it doesn’t end the ringing and it doesn’t quiet the laughter and it doesn’t set my heart at ease…
Where are you? Why aren’t you answering? Is someone there with you? I wish it was me, because I live for the sound of your laugh but I don’t want to feel this way ever again because this is how I'm always left when I give what's left to you! Alone in the dark, waiting to hear your voice….

I just want to be loved. Want to be loved, and know that it is real. Not carry around these doubts and fears and suspicions. I want to hold someone in my arms that I care more about than myself. I want forever in an embrace and infinity in a kiss and passion and longing in the hours that I am not in their presence.
I want to find the things that I have been writing into other people since I was twelve years old manifest in a real person. And I want someone to find those things in me. I want to be capable of seeing those things in myself, and sharing them with someone. I want to be able to sacrifice myself without compromising who I have become, allowing myself to be a martyr without being put on a pedestal for it.
I want to be able to accept myself as someone who loves me would. I want to see my value outside of a lover's afterglow, yet through their eyes. I want the truth, from whichever perspective it rings most true.
Most of all, I want to be able to see why you still love me after everything when I find it so difficult to love myself after all of the same everything...
I want to know the truth, as seen through your eyes, before I cast judgement through my own.