Pull the trigger but the barrels empty, what do I do now?
I can't delay the end of an era.
I've already wrote my goodbye letter.

Mother, I know that you left me for a new found purpose. But now we've slipped away.
Every day passed,
****** away.

She was your new found love.
And 4 kids to count.
0 days notice.
2 of your own you left hungry and alone in that house.
Those days still take a toll on me.
Below 0 in Albany.

Are we okay?
Remember the day the doctor diagnosed me?
You called dad and looked right through me.
"He's depressed"
And what did he call me?
"You little *****"
Words and abuse I've oppressed.
Maybe that's why you both left.

Was it me?
I was only fifteen.
Barely old enough to understand the world around me.
I remember waking up screaming.
Staying up, wondering.
Why you left me.
When you left me.

But mother, I know you left me for a new found purpose.
And a mothers love is just something I don't need.
I think I came out fine. Even after you left me.
Im happy to say that some people love me for me.
I don't need you.....


Why did you leave me?

I have an extreme hatred towards my body, and even losing weight I still despise it so much. I had this idea in my mind that once I lose the weight I want to I will love my body and love myself but I seem to hate myself and my body more as time goes on and the more weight I lose. I still can't compare to all of the attractive men in the world. There are so many men without ANY sagging skin or any stretchmarks or any love handles and I will never, ever be one of those people no matter how much weight I lose and it depresses me so much to the point where I now avoid as many social situations as I can so I don't have to look at the beautiful women in this world and want to cry because I'll never be one of them. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother. Even though I'm at a healthy weight now and I have a really good BMI, I feel like I'll never be happy.  I disgust myself

Sorry.

I'm sorry I'm worthless.
I can't stay up all night just wondering if we will be alright. What's on your mind?
The same ******* you think about me?
I'm sick of wondering when your next breakdown will be.
I'm not out cheating but I might as well be. Because that's what you think of me.
Maybe I need to leave.
Hopefully you'll see how for granted you took me.
I finally see. I'm sick of trying to prove my love. Sick of never being enough. You've got trust issues but your ******.
And I hope your not but I know your stuck.
The way you go about everyday accusing.
Not allowed to have friends, not allowed to make plans. Constant questions you just demand. 24/7 365. It's no surprise.
I don't want to feel despise. Just want you to realise you got me. But that's not enough to make This stop? Not enough sacrifice. Never enough to give up. Never be able to earn your trust. This just isn't fair. My words in and out the same ear.
Do you even care about how your accusations sting? I'm just out cheating. I might as well be because that's how you will always think.

You left and I thought it would leave a hole. But I've been healing.
I found the problem
You were the problem  
6 years of mental lacerations
Call me crazy again.

Your gone and I no longer feel dead.
Please stay away forever. Just go **** another one of my friends.  
I'll be fine. Trust me, without you I'll be fine.    

I know I'll find someone and I'll find solace in myself. I found closure at the point of this pen.
I'm just concerned you won't find the same peace on your back on a strangers bed.
Your happiness is at the bottom of a bottle and stars around your head.

Remember the day that i took those pills?
Remember the times i drank to be numb?

I remember the circumstances.
If you knew you'd understand.
I didn't care if tomorrow came
It would have been another day alone ive spent.
You all said it would get better
i didn't know where my mom went.

Do you remember the day i was diagnosed?
I remember.
"Your crazy, just don't think that way."
"Be Normal"

I remember...
Taking too many new pills.
I didn't care if tomorrow came
Its just another day i would
have spent in an illusion.
I didn't know where my dad went.

I deserved the stomach pains and i deserved not having anyone to come home to.
i deserved my cold room in December.
I deserved to be called crazy, my pills became my only company.

Do i remember?
i wish i couldn't remember.
Maybe tomorrow wont come.
Then i wont have to remember.

I don't owe anyone an explanation,
I don't owe you a thing.
If something little bothers you so much.
I'll pack my bags and leave.
I won't give you that "it's not you, it's me" because honestly. Honestly I don't need anyone. Don't rely on anyone except me.

How could this be?
A love like ours is fleeting but being alone wouldn't bother me.
No one could ever understand or see.
We might be in love but that doesn't mean we are meant to be.

You can talk your **** baby.
I don't care lately.
Just keep saying you trust me but it seems fake lately.
Keep your opinions.
You don't make me. Me.

I feel it taking over everything inside of me.
And I'm losing control.
Weakness in my chest.
My heart stops beating.
Flat-lined and I'm in between.
This is my struggle.
This is emptiness.
Closer and closer again.
I feel it happening.
Holding fast to the hands of grace.
I know you're stronger inside, stronger than me.
Hope walks backwards.
My thoughts in reverse.
Scream for me, I'll hear your voice.
My heart knows no other.

It was his birthday yesterday.
another year passed by without adding another candle.
My friend, ill still never understand.


When you reached the ledge
Did you hesitate?
When you were falling
Did you think about everyone you left behind?
Your friends, your family and the one you claimed to love.
I guess those thoughts just werent enough?
Ill never know
I could never understand.

I want to call you a coward
But it takes guts to jump.
I want to call you.
But I know there's no line.
Maybe in time I'll see your light.
All in due time.
Coward, I know it wasn't your time.

Another birthday will pass.
Another year passed too fast.
I'll remember skipping school
I'll remember the days elapse.
I'll remember when we actually showed up for class.

Days end.
Like your life that cold night.



I'm sorry I wasn't there, my friend.
You are loved.

I don't want to spend one more night.
Without you in my arms, at my side.
Your eyes.
Oh my, your eyes.
I could stare forever,
I swear.
Ill hold you near and dear forever
I swear.
Forever doesn't feel like enough.

We are complete.
I'm content it seems.
Kissing, teasing, and laughing at nothing.
Your content it seems
I'm so happy we found this.
I know we deserve this.
I'm doing my best to make this
The only thing you want
I'm trying my best to be.
The only thing you need
because that's what you are to me.

I'll make you happy,
Satisfied being mine.
I'll stare forever I swear
I'll hold you near and dear,
Forever just doesn't seem like enough.

I dont have much,
what i CAN give just isnt enough.
Why are we here?
What does this all mean?
Ill give it all.
Do you believe? Believe in me.

You deserve a world i cant give.
Please forgive me,
I only have a barely beating hole in my chest.
Dont forget me.

Ive been lost,
im being found it seems.
She put sights on me, i went searching.
My Target girl found me.

You deserve a world i cant give.
Please forgive me.
Im feeling lost
Will you save me?
Dont forget me.
Will you save me?

I wouldnt save me.....

I wish i never let these small things get to me.
Like every cute picture you post is attention seeking.

You deserve more.

Monday night.
The hour will come that we say our goodbyes.
I wish this didn't have to come my love.
The moment our embrace must end and I'll be driving for hours on end.
Just to see the sad face you make will be the death of me.
Keep me close.
Its 9 months away but I swear well be back together before you know.
Don't shed a tear.
Because I'm miles away but tonight I'm still here.
Christmas will come.
Through blizzard or ice I'll make it to you I swear. I'll be there.

My pain is real and never ending it seems.
I've been drowning in my own malcontent. 364 days behind me and today I'm calling it quits.
No you won't miss me.

I'm coming to terms. I'll get what I deserve. I can't handle myself when I act like this. Every single mistake and every memory is clouding my judgement.
This is something that I can't take away.
There is a void I can't fill.
I thought I had your heart but now I'm filled with guilt.
I'm not who I should be.
Step up and leave.
But I'm so sorry that i can't be the man you need.

Your leaning on me but I'm crumbling.
Your counting on me but I'm still stumbling.
I can't be your anchor.
There's no wind left in my sails.
I won't make it too far.
I'm no longer your guiding star.
I'm busy trying to be a ship able to bring you to sea.
But I'll never be worthy.
I just can't be the man you need.

You keep turning your back.
Keep running my love because I know I'm not worthy,
I know I'm not wanted.
You've made that perfectly clear when you left and didn't care what was going on inside my head.

I need a placebo.
please just cure this disease.
I'm afraid of harming myself and the people around me.
I'm trying.
And it seems I'm losing.
Because I can't convince her to understand me.
I'm losing.
I can't ask her to love a wretch like me.
But I can beg and I can plead, on my knees asking, please just take this pain away. Prayers unanswered. If that's too much to ask then I'll beg for you to just take me.

Keep turning your back baby.
You just keep running away when I needed love. But you turn cheeks not caring.
You'll get sick and ask me to leave.
I promise.
You will ask me to leave and move on with the man you wish I could be.
I'm sorry I'm a chore.
So move on.

Im so happy you found out about my new LOVE.
Im glad you took the time to look for my Facebook and find that you've been blocked out.
Ive blacked out every memory i had.
Who told you to crawl back? Well its too late.
I stopped loving and started feeling hate about three years ago but i stayed.
Keep wishing, you selfish lying cheat.
Part of me hopes you keep checking back.
Keep seeing me and my new love grow with the seasons.
She loves me for sensible reasons.
Shes seen the real me.
The me that gets caught up and worried.
She hasnt called me crazy.
That makes me crazy
For HER.
I dont feel anger.
Best of all i dont fear finding her ******* someone behind my back
You were on your back begging for more.
Begging me not to call you a ****,
*****.
But thats the past.

                                                                        New found love
                                                              Grasp closely and listen to me
                                                                     You are everything

I don't know if I want to live.
No matter what I do it's just the same ****.
I've tried to rise up. Tried to put up a fight. But now it's done.
This is finally too much.
I think I may, I hope I might, pass in my sleep tonight.  Numb from my endless worries. So sick from my insecurities.
Maybe your God will have some mercy. But he's gone out of his way to continually hurt me.
Please stop giving to just take more.
I swear my struggles have made my body ache and my mind sore.

The days seem shorter but im sleeping less. Ill lay my head when my thoughts are at rest.
Dont flatter yourself.
Your not the one im thinking about.
Those dreams died the day you died.
Your breathing but.
Your dead to me.
I won't wish you well and I won't say it was fun.
Im done living for you and telling those lies to myself.
How the **** could I have loved a 22 year old child like yourself.
Dont say her name.
Shes everything you wish you could be.
Shes not you and thats okay with me
My favorite thing is shes not you.
And thats perfect to me.

I feel like Broken record
Every day it seems.
Whispering I love you
Telling you how perfect you are.
In and out. Words fall on deaf ears.

I must be talking to the walls. everyday.
I hope they can relay the message.
I'll pray that my words will reach your ears some day.

You must not be listening.
So.
You are perfect and beautiful in every way.
Im in love with you
I care about you more everyday.
My target girl.
You ARE a star. You shine all night even when we're in separate beds.
My target girl.....
.....please don't leave.

You did this
Don't dare place blame on me.
You trapped me in this sorry excuse for a home.
These are four walls I never leave.
This is not a home, this is a ******* prison cell to me.
You don't care so don't tell me.
"It's not that bad, your always so sad"
I'll tell you how dead I feel to get nowhere. But now I've made you mad.
I keep faking feeling alive just for the sake of you.
I'm not living my life because I was busy loving you.
But now it's too much and for you it's not enough.
I put you first in line for a ride of a lifetime.
I can't give what I don't have so don't ask for my heart.

I never though I'd feel again. I hoped that my heart would never heal. But lately I've been feeling. Lately I've been happy.
Butterflies keep flying inside.
I'm apologizing for what I see as my flaws.
I'm trying to make things perfect.
Even though I could never be perfect. I'm so glad we're talking and that we're giving this a chance.
Watching movies, eating pizza and holding hands.
I never thought I'd feel again.
But my heart started beating again.

Every day i wake up and think of a reason to love you.
Today i came up empty handed.
Love lost is too cliche so ill say i just hate the evil entity you became.
Lets place blame and see who is really at fault. I'm counting countless times you've forsaken my love.

I've been silent for far too long.
The built up pressure hurts I find I'm too far gone.
If only I had the release to scream and release the Angst from my chest. But I'll bottle it up and just write about how I'm second rate and I'm no better that the rest.

I'm so sorry that I let the demons feed on me. They always sneak up at the worst times it seems.
I can't sleep because I'm too anxious thinking.
I can't believe that someone like you could ever love someone like me.

Why can't I just figure out how to fix me?
Feel alone at night even when you sleep beside me.
Maybe it's just me but I don't think I can be the man that I'm supposed to be.
I'm not enough baby who are we foolin, I'm just an empty shell stick figure.
Shadows of who I should be haunt me.
Remembering who I once was.
Haunts me.
I should move on.
My demons always trap and stop me.

I wish you would just come at me *******.
You'll beg and plead.
The same way you made that poor defenseless disabled teen.
His cries haunt me and they make me wish I knew you.
So his tears would not be in vain.
You ******* bully.
How do you feel.
I hope your world crumbles down.
And I hope they find you beaten crippled to the ground.

I just wish you would come at me *******.
Be real
Be sincere
Your ******* apology is falling on deaf ears.
Is your ego deflated now?
How did it feel to seem to be in control that night?
Well now your not
And i wish you would careen down my road.
So I could push and I could pull and ask you how your teeth feel against the curb.
Oh god the red I see will match the sight of your mouth.
Choking on your own teeth I hope its the last thing you eat.
I want to give you what you deserve.
Take the life you took for granted and watch your eyes lose they're light.

Open eyes.
Closed heart it seems.
Every day I worry about you wanting to leave.
I know you said you care.
After I said what I did.
I want to believe your true.
You haven't given me a reason yet to doubt a single thing you do.

I'll wake up and keep wishing you were at my side but there's only so much wishing I can do before all the stars die.
Baby, what will we gaze at?
I want to learn to shine again.
I don't want to be like them and fade black.

I'll keep hoping that your okay.
I tell you every night that you can call for anything.
I'll keep you on my mind
I hope you know I mean everything.
I haven't given you a reason to doubt a single thing I do or say
Beautiful, you mean everything.

I'll be your star,
You be mine.
I hope we can both learn how to shine

I always told myself that once the door closed, that was the end of the world. But I'm still here and my heart started beating again.
I'm not dead
Your giving me new reasons to laugh.
I'm not dead
I'm learning to feel again.
I know this is new.                        
I'm so cautious lately.
I was so certain I'd scare you away.
Your still here and your still smiling.

I know I'm not perfect and I take steps backwards it seems. But honestly honestly I just keep trying to change myself to be the man you need. Believe me believe me, I'm trying.
Love is such a funny thing.
It's making me take time to appreciate the life given to me.
Because of you I can feel me coming back to me.
So please don't leave.
That's my biggest fear  
Thinking of the night you get fed up and you've had enough of me.
Love is such a funny thing.
If there's a punch line then jokes on me.
Honestly honestly believe I'm trying to be the man you need.
I don't think before a speak
And I act without considering.
Consequence of actions.
These misunderstandings **** me
Continually thinking.
Days without you heartbreak me.
I know baby
Love is such a funny thing.
It's making me take time to realize.
You care even when I'm not all there. Think and sink. Lost but you anchor me.
Love is such a funny thing.

I took the road and left you behind, but the only thing I have is faith guiding me now
You turned your cheek the other way, love is no longer here
Mother the way you look at me now, it's like I'm some stranger to the eye
I'm not the man that you wanted me to be I'm not the man you raised to succeed,
to be loved, to be held, to be the next on the throne
You've abandon me what could I say, I turned to my father to keep me out of the tide,
Through your screams I'm still fighting for isolation to get away from this empty house
I took the road and left you behind, but the only thing I have is faith guiding me now
You turned your cheek the other way, love is no longer here
Mother the way you look at me now, it's like I'm some stranger to the eye
I'm not the man that you wanted me to be, I'm not the man you raised to succeed
to be loved, to be held, to be the next on the thrown
You've abandoned me what could I say, I turned to my father to keep me out of the tide,
Through your screams, I'm still fighting for isolation
I'm walking out the back door

I just dont care if I'm breathing anymore.
I might be alive but my day by days are leaving me tired and sore.
Better off dead.
Seems like every bad thing only happens to me. They say it only gets better but how would they know? My life's been nothing but letdowns and treachery.

I just can't believe how many bad apples and sour seeds your god seems to force feed me
All I've ever wanted was to believe
Apparently there's  an all knowing being and he's watching over me.
Apparently he knows best but I'll bet it all on black that he doesn't know anything about me and he'll leave. The outcome isn't easy.
But I'll digest. You don't ******* know me.  

Your all just so eager to die. To see that bright white light and life flash before your eyes.
I promise you there's no afterlife.
You think there's a better place but this hell ends and there's no paradise.  I'm slowly dying and there's no happy ending in sight.

It's like clockwork, the angst finds me every day.
I try so hard to explain but you never understand me.
I don't want to live
I can't pretend I have more to give.
I'm not saying that this is it
But I can't think of a reason to dust myself off and finally just live.
Let live. But I gave in. I'm no man. Can't live and love when I can barely even stand.
Don't say I make you happy when I know your smile is pretend.

I just want to be put back together.
If the good die young, I will live forever.

I wish life would just finally decide to let me be happy or just leave me to die. How many days and how many times do I have to just deal and let these suicidal thoughts subside.
There's no magic in our hands there aren't any more sparks in our eyes.
Silly boy don't cry.
Everything is another ******* lie.

I'll decide if my life is worth this or if I'd rather die.
But will I have the courage to change everyone's lives. Leave you all behind
If given the choice, I choose to die.

I had the dream again.
Im running in place and I cant scream.
My lips make motions but my lungs fall silent and my tongue seems tied to my teeth.
My blood is at its boiling when I feel you next to me.

Ive always begged
Please leave me
They would always say
You didnt deserve anything.
It was all give and take
I give you the world
You take away pieces of me.

Ill wake up from this hell
Ill be a man instead of a hollow shell.
Im finally sleeping sound.
A peace ive found
Even with missing piece of myself.
Im a man.
Not a hollow shell.

Lets go back to sleep so I can have an excuse to hold you beside me.
I love every day that I can kiss you and your eyes meet mine.

Am I still your star that shines?
Am I the person that you want and need?
If this is what a four letter word feels like then when I say "I Love you"  it means the world to me.

You look in a mirror and you see yourself broken. Torn from the inside out. A heart barely beating.
Lungs barely breathing.
Im trying
I swear im trying to save you.

There is beauty.
Beneath every bruise
There is beauty
Under each scar

Your perfect in every way.
Regardless of what you do our say,
You will always be perfect to me.

It's all just been one big blur since the mistake of my birth and I won't let my presence be a burden on anyone anymore.
I'm sorry you worry
Im sorry that I'm me.
I don't feel like it's fair
Every ****** hand
Every sour apple that's been given to me. I thought there was a light at the end of every tunnel.
But lately I've been thinking.

If there's a god than he's always wrong, there's no father, son and there's no Holy Spirit
There's no good graces and there's no reward for the righteous.
I've had friends die, seen parents cry. Mine left and I felt dead and took care of myself from age fourteen. I've been laughed at felt betrayals stab. cheated on and crawled back.

There is nothing for me here.
Just the constant reminder.
I'm alone in a house of strangers.
You don't know me.
I don't want to call this a home.
I just want to be on my way to being alone.
But I can't leave you.
I'm never comfortable with the yelling or constant worry of what I will see.
I just wish you knew for a second what it's like here for me.
But you won't take me seriously.
Making jokes about it doesn't make it better for me.

I can't hold a candle to most men. I'm trying to keep burn free but this hurts me.
I can't keep composure when there's nothing keeping me sane. The same sad face you make just makes me crazy.
Living here day by day seems
So
Arbitrary.

My love I hope you know the clocks stop turning when I'm with you. But days still pass and tomorrow is another night that I'll miss you.
Without you. I feel so shaken and my stomach jumps and churns.
The anxiety doesn't stop until I see you step out of your door.

Now you open my car and jump on in. Baby were on our way to the rest of our lives. We're on that familiar drive and all I do is talk and tell you what's been on my mind.
I love that I can confide and feel fine.
But Allison don't be surprised,
Your always the one on my mind.

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down... probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you have never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back

These words might mean nothing
But it's a chance I'm willing to take
Cause maybe I'm wrong and lives can change
I'm singing out of my insecurity
So someone, somewhere might be impacted by what I've made
I fidget and sway back and forth
Biting my nails down until they bleed
There is a lie that I've believed
I'd tell you, but I'm so scared of what you'd think
So I apologize if I've caused you to wake
Just close your eyes and let the beat rock you back to sleep
I'll tell you in the morning
About how this man you see
Often times feels like a child
Self-conscious and weak
I'll still put pen to paper
Try to explain these things
That invade my thoughts in my waking hours
Stories of Kings and princes that have lost their way
God, we'd give anything just to feel safe
Deep down, we all know our worth
We just need someone to truly love us first
So we tip toe around these crowded rooms
Hoping someone in attendance might be able to dress our wounds
We cry without uttering a single word
So gather close, circle round
Cause maybe you've just never heard
And I'll tell you the story of the Love I've found
About the Truth embedded in you long before your birth
I'll ask once more
What are these words worth?

When my eyes glanced over,
I thought of what I'd give.
Everything I'd do
Just to get you.
To notice me.

I stood with my hands in my pockets
Like I always do.
Watching from my department
Basically staring at you.

I always wished I knew what to say
Just to get through.
Tell you all the beautiful things I
thought about you.
When I thought about what I wanted in my life
It always included you.
Tell you that my eyes are glued to you
Only you.

I guess I can keep this up
Tonight is the last night I hope.
If these nightmares keep coming back, then I know I cannot be helped.
It's been so many years and it's always the same. I drive over a cliff and crash to my death almost every single night.
How much more can I take?
Dying every night
I feel lost at sea
No one is here to save me.
Will anyone take the time to talk and embrace me?

Maybe I am just once again resorting to my pathetic need to over think just to feel like anything real is happening. And then out of nowhere, when I finally feel at peace, I miss everybody. But somehow, the weather feels more sunny, and the water in this river keeping my mind watered is finally running, and flowing, and livestock is growing, my heart is showing, my heart is glowing. So why do I still feel so lonely? Maybe because I feel like my heart is empty.


This pain may not be escaping, and I may still be hurting, but that's okay, because at least I can see that some day, it will be ending. Even if it is not today, I will be set free. Forgive me, I'm usually much more encouraging, but until then, promise you won't leave. My heart may be empty, but the walls hold photos of beautiful memories. If I hurt so bad now, I guess it's just a friendly reminder that I am still breathing. She may not be next to me, but this hurt cuts deep and still remembers to visit me. So heartache, Thank you for still believing in me.

You're not a problem, you are my sanity. And I love you for it.

I wouldn't mind if my world came crashing down. Nothing matters and there isn't anything for me in this run down town.
If this is the epitome of my life.
Then I don't find it ironic that living is making me die.
Waking up with too much weighing on my mind.
I wouldn't mind if I stopped breathing tonight.

I'm dying to hear your voice.
Don't answer your phone because I might be saying goodbye.
Rope on a ceiling fan.
Feet on a steady chair.
Close my eyes.
Sudden stop.
This is the last Goodbye.
I swear.
I'm just not alright.

I know
It seems at times that I'm fine
I'm fighting demons.
Hands tied tight.
I'm losing this fight.
No one at my side.
Please just let me die in my sleep tonight.
Something's not right.

Everything seems so different.
I have changed so much in such short time.
It's all thanks to you.
I knew when I saw you across our store that I had to know how it would feel to have you.
I knew I had to change something years ago. But seeing you gave me the push.
She didn't care
She didn't understand.
She didn't ever let me hold her or run my fingers through her hair.
But baby I feel like you care.
You never want me to let go.
And we both know how I feel about your hair.
I dreamed
It became reality
I can't express how much all of this means to me.
Having you, holding you next to me. I swear I'd give you anything.
Because I want you forever.
Because I want us to be each others everything.
You said you wanted forever.
You know just what to say.
Everyday it's you and me babe.
Yours always