I have this thing that I do...

okay, and I'm going to change it.

I promise... I promise...





I find deep meaning in every coincidence.

I meet beautiful people and laugh with them

and love them instantly.

"We were lovers in a past life."



The past life is always better,

everyone knows that.



I fall in love with unknown eyes.

I lust for new feelings

and get high off of them, too!



Now, I've realized

that I am not meant for this world.

I have been rejected by

these coincidences.

I am not from here, and now I know that.

(Because, if I was, then you would love coincidences, too.)



I am doing this to myself. I know I am.



I love you

and you are gone

and the loneliness is what kills me,

not the reasons why you left.



I can not take

being the person that I am.

I am persistent to achieve complete nirvana of the soul.

But my mind won't let me get there.



I am writing all of this because it needs

to come out and I don't give a ****

what anyone thinks of me.

I never do.

I am putting myself out there. This is me. And *******.

That's why I always try to **** you off

because you give a **** about these things.

You give a **** about me making an *** of myself

and I do not.



I find meaning in different things. That is why you left.

i've come to show you what its like to be human

you only know so much



these are called mistakes but sometimes

when you think hard enough

they don't exist



also, there is no meaning

unless you assign the meaning, of course

and it can all explode inside your mind one day

and then by night, it'll be you again

clean and pure



drink some nights away but

save others for yourself

allow your soul to wander

and be alone for a while

it needs to be fed solitude

in order to keep the light



come back to me, though

always come back to me

because i belong to this earth now

i'm rooted in this ****** up civilization

poisoned by corruption

injected with lies, over and over again

and now i am a different version of myself

i've inhaled the sin and it keeps me here



but you can still be far away when you want to

i came here to teach you how walk steady between it all-

light and darkness, life and death, truth and lies

the teetering bridge that brings us all together

balance yourself and don't look down.

no one is going to look at this piece of paper

and marvel at it because it was touched by me

my signature means nothing now

i can't remember the last time it did



the words are lost, probably within each other again

vowels and letters and sounds melted

together

oh, and the meaning

yes, must have forgotten about the meaning

must have forgotten how it felt



please remember, when the sun set

on the open field, i fell to my knees

and the colors of the sky lit up my face

( i was beautiful then)

and i cried with you

for the last time



how did i get lost within you?

and more importantly,

why did you let the words lose their meaning?



ask who gives them meaning

and cry with me again.

although i am afraid

you guide me



'-and i can not

see

at all

anymore'



you feed the fire

that burns inside of me



i can not extinguish

it with any words.

no exclamation for help;

no open-ended plea.





ive tried to suppress the flames

until i realized

it was killing

me.



and my mind is

hungry all the time!



i have heard

the silence

that comes with

your absence

and it is deafening!



you have seen

the substance

of my creation.



the origin of this

madness.



you know the meaning of me.



help me find the light, too.

a constant variable in the
scientific and holy
experiment of love.

mix in the energy.
prepare for explosion.
antimatter =/<
the radiation of the
moon.

(ive learned to admire
the hell i've created.
you've taught me
the importance
of standing in awe
before this god.
never again will i make
the mistake of
forgetting my place.)

this existence will mean nothing
unless-

i have subtracted myself
from the infinite
equation of death.
and multiplied it
with the energy of
life itself.

in the end:
my personal purgatory
in which the action
(mistake)
is substituted
by soul (truth)
which equals;
infinity tried to keep me
within reach.
and failed.

i am-
an equation
which He had no solution
for.

i am-
a constant experiment
and i proved Him wrong.

i'm all that your memory could have ever been.
you knew it as soon as you laid eyes on me.
i ****** you in, held on tight,
and ****** you up.
because I could.
that's all I ever knew.
all I ever know, now...

you let me tear you apart,
silently, selfishly, stephanie.
i think you were right all along.
and i never knew myself.
how comfortable
and powerful i could become.
but i knew the lingering effects
of my soft whispers in your ear.
come, ****, me.
i used them to eat you up.
i didn't even like the taste.

and all your memories are of me now,
your past and future are a single coexistence
of nothing.
i make you blind, in all aspects.
you still can't see the pieces of you
falling everywhere
and spelling out my name.

I used to belong in this hell.

I was the last puzzle piece to the fire.

But there was a shift in the currents

(those that guide love towards shore)

and I drowned

and I'm not sure where I am now.

I know that this isn't heaven.

The daylight would make sense of all these things;

the birds would always have a sky(without having to wonder where to fly)

and I would always have the perfect words.

The search for meaning has stopped.

I have seen what these waters can do;

The missing pieces have gone back to the moon.

i said, "i can't imagine-
91 years old."

my lungs are scarred
and the fear is over
but lingering, still.

i miss being held
in such a way that
you sort of forget
the origin of sin
and all the troubles that were
cast over you,
disappear in a light,
drizzle of a rain.

all i want is to be
called sweet and ***** names-
under blankets,
in between the chaos
of life,
after kisses,
during war
and in lieu of peace.

i want a stare so intense
that it will make me forget
the lack of innocence
that was my childhood.

give it to me.
fill the void.
**** living forever.

not become You.