My pencil is screaming
My fingers unsure
My glass almost empty
My love shut the door

My pencil is screaming
My eyes glaze some more
My tab’s paid for plenty
My feet on the floor

My pencil is screaming
My throat is so sore
My hands on the bottle
My heart out to cure.

I walked along the wire of Madison Ave
Wanting to be just like the movie
When I saw a girl reading poetry to a tin can
Strangers fed her one dollar bills
The ones with white sneakers just stared

I walked over puddles
Filled up with oily tears
Thinking of how I scream
So loud
And no one is ever around to hear it

This girl kept the rhythm
Skirting the cat calls and grime
I wanted to wrap around her
And grab hold of her mind
But I walked on
Too scared to hear the end

The rain doesn't stop
When we go inside
The rust just builds
On tin cans
And all of us search
For another tomorrow

I’m eighteen today.
My shirt is crumpled on the floor. My socks are still on.
I’m eighteen today.  
My eyes try and focus on the ceiling. That’s cheap tile. This house is old.
I’m eighteen today.
I drank too many beers.  I think my cigarettes are by the pool..
I’m eighteen today.  
I’m ******* Steve. He doesn’t know my name.
I’m eighteen today.
Not like I thought he’d  be. His cheeks are rough and sudden.
I’ll be eighteen tomorrow.
I’ll write down his name. I know it by heart.  Number 28.

I’m nineteen today.
I’m in a bathroom. The light is off. I’m kissing girls.
I’m nineteen today.
At a house that I couldn’t find my way home from.
I’m nineteen today.
Her hands squeeze my *******. She’s not into it, I can tell.
I’m nineteen today.
Four people are at my feet. Hands pull at my skirt.
I’m nineteen today.
I’m loving this. But it will be over before it gets good.


I’m twenty today.
A plastic cup in my hand. He’s pushing up on me.
I’m twenty today.
She’s standing on the stairs. I know I’ll walk her home later.
I’m twenty today.
The grass is cold and wet. Her hand on my arm.
I’m twenty today.
Walk her to the door. I wish she’d ask me up.
I’m twenty today.

I’m 31 today.
He’s naked next to me. He knows I love him.
I’m 31 today.
He asked me if I was gay. Said he just wants to know.
I’m 31 today.
I smile and say no and take his **** in my hand.

I was 22 that day.
Driving her back from the hospital.
I was 22 that day.
Her small warm hand rubbed the back of my neck.
I was 22 that day.
It was the first time I felt whole.
I was 22 that day.

I’m 34 today
And he’s stopped asking me.

I find it alarmingly satisfying that I hate the couple
in front of me, on line, buying coffee at 9pm on a
Monday.
Wrapped in matching dress-down attire, not talking,
speaking through gestures designed just for them.
Checking their phones for calls they might have
missed, while I'm standing here, waiting, missing you.
Why do they need coffee now?
Will they go home?
Will they have ***?
Will he come first?
Will they fall asleep not dreading tomorrow?
I guess they can do that, they can afford it, because
they have their coffee and they have a Monday night
and they don't realize what they have.
Me? I have a pint of ice cream, 80 bucks worth of
books I'll try to read and a chance you'll be home
when I call.

Ground littered
with Newport butts
Laceless sneakers
Last nights beer
Early morning
Only me
White skin
They stare.

I ride along the bus route
The weight shifts as people climb on
The smell of half burnt cigarettes
Of sweat and fried food
I struggle to keep my lips together
I hold on to my seat; knuckles white
As I look for alleyways to sleep
If I could leap out of my life.

Black eyed Susan lived on my street
She wandered the night with nothing on her feet
She never told me a thing
Just sat 'neath my window to hear me sing
Beauty she was with those ******* eyes
Susan would dance to my song with fireflies
I kind of loved her
Yes, I think I did
Watching her prance like a little kid
She held her head with pride
And looked up at me
And through those ******* eyes
Susan couldn't see

I wanted to clean your apartment
Wanted to surprise you
Finding homes for misplaced papers
Dusting between the books I’d given you
And there it was
Lying where hundreds of others had fallen
Tangled up
Trailing off
Into the dense confusion of your rug
It gleamed with a defiance
I found it  ridiculously dramatic
A yellow cord of betrayal
Forcing me to remember when I had dyed my hair last
3 months ago
Black
You said you liked it
A wave of sickness slammed into me
Faces swam through my head
Names twisted on my tongue
I backed into a corner
And kicked up the frenzy
It chased me through the forest of dust
And landed on my knee
Curling into a smile
That seemed to recognize my fear

Blonde and skanky
Red and cranky

No sleep
No need
No guilt
To feed

She sticks
She licks
She’s got
Her kicks

****** city
Kind of pretty

My girl
My girl
Rock and whirl
She is
She is
Hard to miss

I saw you that day
pressed up against my father’s car.
The sky flashing above us.

Could see her makeup on your cheeks.
Your fingers pinching skin.
Her heels sinking into the mud.

Your hands disappeared under her skirt.
I could hear your ring
banging against the car door.

Her head fell back and I saw your eyes.
They were a stranger’s.
I could feel the love freeze beneath my skin.

The sky flashed above us.
My fingers tightened
around the cool metal of your gun.

My high is wearing off and you haven’t called.
I dyed my hair, but it came out all wrong.
Like this…like us.

I think I’ll ignore falling out of love.
I’ll just hope it passes as quickly as it came.
I’m too tired to change my life today.

So I’ll go and see you tomorrow
I’ll let go of my grip.
You won’t mention my hair.
I’ll think that means you don’t love me.

We’ll move around each other like strangers.
We won’t say what we mean.
I memorized your body three years ago.
I know every move you’re not going to make.

We’ll probably get into a fight and I’ll yell and leave.
Wishing, just once, you’d chase after me.
But you’ll just scream at me from your second story window.
Spitting out my harsh tendencies that will slide down the wall.

Hey, take this record
I don't want it
Yeah, I know you got one too
Throw it out
If you don't want it
It doesn't matter what you do

Don't push me to this
You said last night
So I pressed the button
Down
Down
Down
Wasn't sure it'd be alright
But said I don't want you around

There's nothing more I want to tell you
Can't think of more to say
Just some looks you know I'll give you
'*** you're movin' out today

I'll learn to sprawl the bed now
Guess that sun will shine on in
I guess my books will breathe now
Buy some plants to cover where you've been

Don't push me to this
You said last night
So I pressed the button
Down
Down
Down
Wasn't sure I'd be alright
But said I don't want you around

This morning we tried to forget each other
Walked around on heavy toes
But we couldn't quite ignore each other
Maybe I cut off my face
To spite my nose

We've screamed all we could think to shout
Can't think of more to say
Just a look that I won't give you
'*** you're movin' out today

My cheeks are tight
My tears an ember
He gave an answer
That I can’t remember

Blue bodies
Barely breathing
over
Luscious legs
Looking lovely

My face is drawn
My laughter a sneer
He tells me stories
I don’t care to hear

Hairy hands
Hate to hesitate
while
Morbid models
Madly *******.

I dare myself to live without you.
My studio’s quiet and dull.
I pretend you’re already dead.
I’m being such a selfish *****.

I need hands that twist my spine
Eyes to **** my soul
Arms to throw me down
Rip me to pieces
Make me whole

I want a kiss to break my knees
You barely look at me
And I scream please, PLEASE!

Be those hands
Open your eyes
Wrap your arms around me
And bite my thighs

Kick in my love
Blue and black
A violent shove

F**t me
**** me
Make me cry
Give me something
Anything
To feel a butterfly

Your wine stained lips tell me
It was a ***** night.
You crawl into the covers
Waving at the light.
My hands want to shout
Want to ring you all out.
Gluey eyes and greasy hair
Looking a mess, I don’t care.
Your eyes are on yesterday..
Stale scotch and whiskey too.
But when you wake up today
You’re still going to be  you.

her small greasy hands
search through your hair

groping for a look
she’s seen on tv

that rotten acorn mess
I loved to tangle

across your eyes
always far off somewhere

she looks like the girl I thought you wanted to be with
my friends say she looks like me

I bet she tells you stories
about girls she's slept with

I bet you read her
my poems and laugh

the two of you
surrounded by clothing and smoke.

moving my stuff
into a pile
in the corner

I fell down on my knees
And begged him to stay
Filling my mouth
He asked me to say
Please
Hating the way it felt
He slithered under my belt

All the men inside
Punishing and warning and making me
All my men inside
Tiny, frozen people I’ll never let you see

I went down bearing arms
He dug in his heels
And I fell for his charms
I cringe at the scene
I hate him again
Begging and sweating and being my friend

All the men inside
Punishing and ******* and stripping me
All the men inside
Tiny, frozen people I’ll never let you see

Hopped up in the garden
Smoke swirls in the cold.
My hand climbs up your thigh.
Your eyes rip thru my fold.
We brag about a life not lived.
We stumble home to notes.
I’d take it now if you’d let me,
The words climb up my throat.

I was digging you, heard you had some class.
You handed me a ****** crushed up in a glass.

Soaking up all your words, you wanna take me home,
Up to your apartment, how could I have known?

Giving me those eyes, whispers in my ear.
Felt your hands ‘round my neck when you pulled me near.

I wanted to leave, my mind already gone.
But you grabbed my wrist when I reached for the phone.

Falling back on your bed, got no one to blame.
You ripped the cord from the wall told me I was insane.

My eyes were closing, your face a blurry mess.
I barely remember you tearing off my dress.

I woke in the morning, hoping someone else was there,
Then I felt your sweaty face nuzzled in my hair.

I got up to leave, you begged me to stay
You said without me, you'd surely die that day.

I let you beg, said you’d never let me fall,
As I ran from the room you threw a bottle at the wall.

I find myself selecting poses,
chewy words and wit
After the third glass of wine
it’s me that I forget.
Testing waters too deep
Walking steps too steep
You talk about the dark
I sit and gaze
Watching lips I’ll never know
Breathing his whiskey haze
From a toss of my hair
To the look on your face
Mocked by the years
I cannot erase.

I created you
Pushed you to this
And I need to understand
Why just when you reached the world
You let go of my hand
I think of you
When I know I shouldn’t
I could say that you're nothing
But I wouldn’t
My mind tells me
What my heart should know
And each time I see you
I try not to let it show
But if it was going to end like this
Then why did it start
Because you're going on  
And I’m falling apart

There's a girl in N’awlins
Drink melting in her hand
Make-up tattooed on her eyes
Waiting for her man

There’s a bar in N’awlins
Drinks spilling out to the street
Masks glued to cloudy eyes
Hands groping through heat

Jazz blows against her legs
Green and blue and red to meet
Prize legend overhead
Broken bottles beneath her feet

I can hear your laugh,
in every tear she spills.

Your wit and love and life,
will trickle through our years.

The strings have gathered dust.
The glasses lost and broken.

You've left us with questions...
         anger, loss, and tokens.

13 to 36, no regret you've ever shown.

We hate you.
We love you.
We miss you...
          now that you have gone.

Sitting here
Alone
Thinking about Brooklyn
Remembering how I used to sit there
Alone
Thinking about being here
But it’s all gone now
You only get one chance to be new 
That once is gone for me
Being happiest there
Maybe without you
Maybe in the next room
But away from here
The rain still fell in Brooklyn
But it smelled sweet and sour

I’m going to meet Elston
Down the street
At a place no longer there
To talk about why I can’t forget you
He told me to write it all down
It’s supposed to bring some light
Elston believes only in the things he reads
He’s said to have never come from the heart
But I trust him with my past so I lift my pen
He knows the one I’m with now
They play chess every so often
As my pen runs across the page
He thinks about his next move
And the girl that got away

I’ve forgotten what it feels like to be alive.

I’ve forgotten what it feels like to lie to you.

We’ve walked so many miles,

only to find the same people.

I force these words.

I hate these words.

I can’t live without these words.