Deep in my diaphragm, in the center of my body,
lies the very source of my being.
It is not my heart nor my lungs,
but the very core of my body.
It is the coming together of my rib cage,
the way my chest rises and falls
with each breath
that makes me realize that I am alive.
I am alive.

I am alive.

I am alive.

Feel my chest rise and fall and
I am alive.

But I'm not alive because I exhale breath,
but because that center of my body holds my very spirit.
I can feel myself inside of my body,
and for once I am aware that

I am alive.

Through my veins I feel,
my blood cold.
All circulation is
                    lost.

Bound and determined,
determined
to find the part of me
that I lost.

Looking at your sleeping face,
I feel as though
it's in you.

You encompass who I am,
who I was
and who I will be.

I found myself in you,
bound and determined.

I feel light,
almost nonexistent.
In a good way,

If that's even
          possible.

A tunnel,
inches away
from me.
Dark, no light -
encompassing my very being.
Hallow -
empty, gone.
Where is my soul?
Is it lost i the tunnel,
or is it waiting for me on
the other side?
I'll never reach it.
I'll never grasp it again.
I will cut my losses -
lose my way
and never find myself,
again.

A mere shadow,
a mare speck of dust
is what makes up
my body - my soul.
I lay awake,
wondering who I am,
only to remember
I am nothing,
No one.





But me...

Look in the mirror,
and all I see
is a girl I don't want to be.
What happened to my soul,
who was I before?
She was washed away
by your harsh words.
I realized I wasn't good enough,
not for you.
And I thought
that meant I wasn't good enough
for the world.
I let myself go.
I stopped caring about who I was
or what I looked like.
And now I just wish I could go back,
rewind the last two years
and teach you that I was good enough -
am good enough.
And that you just couldn't see it.
But you won,
and it will take me a long time
to find the girl I used to be,
the girl I want to be.

Forever lacking in the faith
to put myself out there,
show you who I really am.
I'm forever lacking in the trust
to believe you'll appreciate me,
love me, fall for me.
And yet, when I see you,
my knees go weak and my eyes are glued
on your smile, your perfection.
But my tongue is sliced, unable to form
words.
And I just want to tell you,
scream it at you
and watch your reaction.

It's a Thursday, I awake and think of you,
wondering if you're feeling better or
if you're still feeling vanquished.
My fingers automatically reach for my phone
and I text you, wishing you a good morning.
And as I wait for a response,
I wonder if your heart is beating as quickly,
failing your desire to remain calm, cool and collected,
just as mine is.
And as we play the roles we have played
for the past while,
I hope that you are smiling just as I am.
I hope that you are thinking of a way to see me again.
And finally, I hope that my face takes up your mind,
just as yours has invaded my own.

And then my heart bails out, it shifts and beats
to a different rhythm.
I think of him instead,
of his touch, his nonchalant words, the way he makes me
breathe faster.
It wasn't like the last time, he hasn't dropped me off of the
side of the earth.
He has been attentive, almost attached.
And I want to hope that it is because he feels something more,
but I don't want to hope for anything (anymore).
It is a different feeling, a different desire.
I want to help him, focus his attention on being happy.
But I realize, I want to be happy too,
and I think I can only get that from being with you.

The sun hits your face,
illuminating your perfection,
your faults.
I want to focus on the good,
pure you
but I can't, it is impossible to do.
I promise myself I'll try,
try to look past the pain
that you have inflicted.
But instead, I focus on the hate
I feel
as I burn you with my eyes of anger.
You succumb to sleep as I say goodbye.
Goodbye.

Have I ever mentioned everything I love about you?
Have I ever mentioned I get weak by the things you do?
You set a spark inside my soul,
You make me lose complete control.

And yet I can't speak,
I can't eat.
I get these butterflies
whenever I close my eyes.

You're so perfect that it hurts me
Because that perfection is something I'll never be.
You're so beautiful that I almost want to cry
and this love, I never want it to die.

And yet I can't see,
I can barely believe
that above all else,
you picked me.

A word, spoken with intended honesty,
a lie, obviously meant to hurt.
A smile, that always gets the best of me,
and I try to remind myself it's just a word.

You break me down, you watch me fall,
You pick me up, you do it all.
You break my heart, you tear it in two,
You make me fall in love with you.

A love, that felt unbreakable,
a dagger, right through my heart.
A girl, left feeling invisible,
a world, perfectly torn apart.

You break me down, you watch me fall,
you pick me up, you do it all.
You break my heart, you tear it in two,
you make me fall in love with you.

A glance, that brings me to my knees,
a lie, that brings me to tears.
A boy, who brought out the worst in me,
a pain which nothing else compares.

You broke me down, you watched me fall,
you picked me up, you did it all.
You broke my heart, tore it in two,
you made me fall out of love with you.

Mundane, lost, never found,
the life of a girl who has lost
all spirit she ever had.
She now holds the fears
that should only be held
by those who don't understand.
Life is passing by,
day by day, a new sun
rises in the sky.
The clouds threaten to
blanket the universe,
make it lose its luster.
And she cries,
at night when no one is listening.
She fears the future
and what it promises,
threatening to tear it all apart.
And she forgets,
or at least tries to push it all,
away, away from her mind.
No one ever stays,
no one ever changes.
Life is just an endless journey,
forcing her to connect with a mass
of people who lack promise,
who refuse to protect,
comfort and share with her a life,
a life much better than the one
she awoke to this very day.