i used to
look up to you, y’know?
but it got bad
and i believed every word you said.
and every day i got into bed i didnt sleep
i talked to you
you spun stories of lies that caught my brain like a fly in a web
i was trapped
but i was okay
i thought
i was okay
even when you started telling me i was worthless what mattered to me was that you still said “i love you”
the worst part was
i believed it.

i wish i could go back in time to save myself from those cuts and lies
i wish i could give my past some confidence to stand up to you to say
i am a god
and i create things that you couldnt even dream of
because as you slept your night away in your cozy bed without a thought of me in your head i was awake
doing your work and trying to make myself good enough for you
i wrote stories and poems and letters to express my feelings
and you rejected them
my moms were prepared for big kids to bully but no one knew how to deal with you
i was broken
i was young
and i was gone
i had heard of people getting abused and i promised myself that it wouldnt happen to me
but i didnt know
no one knew
only you.

i thought when you get older you get better
so i couldnt wait to grow up
you were years ahead so i thought what you did was right
and what i thought was wrong
and who i used to be was wrong
because that’s what you told me.

i loved art
and my friends
and my family
but you didn’t want that
so i stopped loving them
i gave my life to a man halfway across the country with a keyboard and microphone to rewrite my being
to this day i still remember how late i stayed up
the stars faded to dawn and i had stopped noticing

it took me long enough to understand that
the world isnt dealt by one hand
and i am not the joker.
you cant take me out and push me aside, no
i am the king, queen, jack, ace,
i have my highs and lows but i’m my own saving grace
the world isn’t so black and white and blue
and the stars are just fine without you.

when i cant sleep at night

colors come into my sight

and infiltrate my brain.

green, soft grass and anxiety

warm summer nights, i try to be

calm and relaxed but here i stay the cold spring

saint patrick’s day and waterfalls

pollen and flowers above all

irritate my weaknesses and i need to be blessed yet again

sweet hazel eyes and

cerulean nights

haunt my dreams until the morning is bright

yellow, kind bees and annoyance

city ****** above the celebration joyous

baby ducks and easter pair perfectly with early gunshots

i’m okay, i’m okay

spring and summer and what day

am i asleep am i awake

is this real or is this fake

yellow used to be calm

winnie the pooh had no qualms

but now it buzzes constantly in my head

a lifeless drone makes me wish i was dead

blue, rumbing ocean, shining sea

white-capped waves that bring pure glee

i used to crawl so eagerly

down to the water before my mom stopped me

she’d known i’d drown.calm currents could pull me down

falling rain feeds the riptides

as a kid i didn’t mind

but now i know the dangers that hide behind

the waters contain jellyfish lies

luminescent puffs so nice

but if you get to close!

well,

if looks could ****.

one wrong step in the deep blue

could end up killing you.

white, pure, clean, safe

a facade that really lets chafe

when the colors begin in my head i must make post-haste

because white thunders and shakes my brain

dry lightning snaps and electrocutes all sane

it hurts it stings it bends it breaks

what do i do what do i do

how to i breath how do i get through

i’m scared and lost and shivering and sorry

even though i’m getting hurt i can’t help but worry

i want to scream but the white fills my lungs

squeezing my chest and snatching my tongue

i’m scared

…red.

red is pain, love, marriage and divorce

red is *** put upon you by force

abuse, apologies, a shouted curse

poems read without a verse

…but red is apples, cider and tea

christmas and fall and halloween

warm sweaters and burning embers

brick fireplaces and donation centers

i’ve been sitting here for too long

maybe a slow burn isn’t so wrong.



i wake up to black.

a spine, a needle, a laptop cord

an entire sentence without one word

the reality i’ve come to know

has disappeared after come and go

i guess i’m okay with the way things are now

point A to point B without knowing how

as long as it isn’t other’s pain and only mine

this emptiness here—this is fine.

home is where the heart is

and i live in the sky

my friends come and go

but i’ll always know

that the stars will be by my side.

they shift and dance around

and sometimes disappear

but come spring again

and those stars will reappear

people are so fickle an sly

and their emotions show in their eyes

so it’s easy to see through the lies

but when i look to the skies

the stars shine in my eyes

and all i can see is light.

i can always trust the sky

though it changes day and night

it will forever be watching me.

though people come and go

ill always know

the stars will always be there to tell me stories when the people i love cannot.