I wrote a letter to you today…..

It was a scene that played all too many times in my head.

You walked right up to me…

*And instead of silence

I took a deep breath

And I screamed….
What do you want from me?
Haven't you taken enough…
Can't you see the pain you've caused...

I'm hurting bad enough…
You were never my Mom…
What makes you think that's changed now?

I'm sorry you want me back…
But I'm someone else's little girl now.

Do you remember the day you left my dad?

I do…

It's one of the worst memories I'll ever have.

I can still see the tears run down his face…

As he listened to the words no one wanted you to say.

I was sitting on his lap and feeling so confused.

Daddy said he loved you…

Why didn't you love him too?

And then the day came and you packed away all our things…

Daddy cried again.

I didn't understand what I know all too well now.

You liked the pain in his eyes…

You liked seeing me cry as we drove away and life forever changed.

I cried every night…

Sometimes I cry still…

Because it hurts so bad to know how you were…

Even though everyone just says you were ill…

I don't think you were.

Then you got this great new job.

You worked with all sorts of bad people…

Did any of them know that they should be sharing a cell with you?

Or did your lie work on them too…

I remember being alone every night of the week…

Going to the neighbors because there wasn't any food to eat.

And all the ***** men you always had to bring home…

I remember how they smell…

How I prayed to just go home.

You never talked you always yelled…

You said Dad was a bad person and you hoped he'd go to hell

I remember being afraid of him…
I'll never forget the pain in his eyes the day I cried and screamed for him to leave me alone

Thanks for helping me hurt him even more.

And then he broke down and told me he'd given up the fight.

I'd never live with him again…I'd only be able to just spend the night.

Again I cried…

Why didn't he want me?

It was you.

Bad things started happening again…

Some bruises, some cuts…

All injuries from being a playful kid…right?

That's what all the teachers said to help them sleep at night.

Then the letters, the vandalism, the threats.

Everyone hated my black brother…or so you said…

As you ran out the door half naked and crazed…

Waving your gun in the air and screaming.

Didn't you know you should be screaming at yourself?

What kind of mother calls her own son a ****** and hangs a doll on the fence with painted blood running down its back?
And if that wasn't attention enough, suddenly fires started coming…

Small ones that were easy to take care of…

Gradually getting bigger…

And then I guess you'd had enough.

You set our porch on fire…

The back porch was soaked in lighter fluid…

A flammable trail leading through our house.

You said you wanted to die…

Then you said you wished we all had.

You went away that night…

Our family was torn apart.

My grandma let me live with her…

Though I don't really know why.

I wasn't easy to get along with…

I didn't know what to believe anymore

Couldn't tell the difference between the truth and your lies.

I wanted my Mom…my Daddy…

I wanted a hug.

I finally got one when I was 14 from someone I barely knew.

It was only a few years too late…

You almost killed me…

But what you never knew was that I did die that night…

On the inside.

Part of me gave up…

I let you win.

So many times I tried to take my life?

Why??
Because I wished I'd have had a real Mom in my life.

Do you know how it hurts to be hated and abused?
I cut my wrists every night just to make sure I was still alive because I was so numb.

All because of the things you'd done.

I never cried because you liked that so much…

And when I finally did…it all came rushing out like a flood.

I hope you're happy…

I hope that you finally see…

There are consequences to your actions.

Not everyone is so forgiving or fast to accept your little insanity plea.

I know there's nothing wrong with you…

Go ahead and live your lie.

I loved the notes you used to send me once a year…

How you said you missed me and wanted me back…

How does it feel to want something so close yet completely out of reach?

I wanted a Mom too…

But I ended up with you.

And then the mean comments about how I was a *****…how I was wasting my life and talents…

Didn't you notice your prodigal child having 4 kids by the time she was 20?
And my talent has nothing to do with you.

The only part of me you will ever take credit for is the hurt little girl that never goes away

She cried every night because she wants so badly to tell someone…

Wants so badly to be loved…

Wants so badly to have a Mommy…

You can tell everyone that I'm a horrible person…I don't care.

I'm not half of the monster you are.

I hope I break your heart if you even have one.

I hope you understand that this is not a start…

It's my way of telling you that I hate you…

By the way in case you care…
I am doing just fine without you in my life.

Hard to believe considering how much you tried to **** it all up.

My dad…the man you despise and taught me to fear…

He's my hero once again…a million times better than you

And I know how you hate me…but another thing you probably learned

You can beat me, break me, and take everything I have…even try to **** me…

But at my worst we're still 100% better than you.

Oh yeah…I almost forgot…

I finally found my Mommy too

She loves me and doesn't do any of the things like you.

She never hits me, never screams, never prostitutes me like a cheap *****…

She calls me everyday…

Lets me know I am loved…and so much more.

So I hope you understand what I'm telling you here…

I thought I needed you in my life, but I was wrong.

In case you didn't get it I'm not your child, I never was.

You aren't my Mom you're just a ****** *****.

I hope that someday you realize what you've lost…

And it's a good thing God forgives…because as far as I'm concerned you can burn in Hell.

I'm not perfect...I'm sorry
I'm never say the right things at the right time.
Sometimes I cry when things are funny
And I laugh when things are sad.

My heart breaks for stupid reasons...
And sometimes it's too easy to make me mad.
My smile's a little crooked...
My eyes aren't exactly the same...

Perfect is nowhere near my name.
I hurt other people...and I don't even mean to.
It seems like everything I say is supposed to be something...
Funny, ******, mean...
Can't words just be words??

My thoughts can be excentric...
My dreams unobtainable...
I love with all I have
Which is why I have no heart.

I'm not perfect it's far too true...
But I can't help but wonder,
How perfect are you?

Blood pools outside you window...
The deepest cut still wasn't enough...
Rain washes away the dead and dying parts...

Am I whole yet?
-Incomplete still,
Finding myself in your eyes
Left to fend for a myself.
Alone another day.

Someone take me away...
Far running...
Leaving behind what might have been...

Will I find peace here?
Freedom?  Release?
It still feels like being bound in chains...

No release...
-Falling in the dark.
This is not peace.

Can you see me?
Can you feel?
My blood is still falling on your windowsill.

Reality is a mystery that constantly eludes me.  
Sleeping should be an escape,
But instead it brings only more pain.
Memories shatter the peace that I should find.
I see them every time I close my eyes.

Behind my eyes there is sorrow and pain.
Behind my smile lies more of the same.
Truths unspoken,
Fears relived.
Everyday is a struggle to allow myself to live.
The secrets I bear are often too much for me to carry alone.
It's so hard to pretend to be happy when I feel so alone.
Sometimes I wish I was a child once again.
I want to do it over.
But not relive.
I want to have a mommy...
Love tender and pure.
I don't want to be unwanted.
I just want to feel secure.
Held in the arms of safety and unconditional love…
Would I find my peace?
I wish I knew…
I wish she could rock me to sleep.
Comfort my tears.
She…the cause of so much pain for so many years.
But wishes are for children.
Hopes are cruel and unfair.
Dreams are meant to haunt,

And little girls are to be treated unfair.
I'll forget I ever loved her.
I'll learn not to care.
I can hide my pain, my fear, my loss…
No one will ever know it's there.

I told myself I needed you...
I believed that it was true.
Now I know that all I need to do is get the Hell away from you.

You made me so happy...
You gave me so much love.
Now I know that what is best for me is to turn and run.

You told me that I was safe...
You promised that I wouldn't get hurt.
Now my heart lies shattered and bleeding in the dirt.

You told me all these things...
You said that happiness was real.
You never told me that the pain would overtake me...how giving up would feel.

I'm sorry that you don't believe me...
I'm sorry that you can't see.
I'm sorry that you'd choose to believe a stranger over me.

I'm sorry that you'll never know the truth...
I'm sorry that you'll never be...
Everything to me that you were...that I thought you would and could be.

That was my mistake...
Don't worry...
I'll never make it again...hearts once broken don't easily mend.

So many things seem so crash down around me...
So many dreams never to be fulfilled.
So many promises that never should have been spoken...
My heart...for so many unknown reasons broken.

So close to being happy...
Yet so far from being content.
I have everything I wanted...
But it all means nothing in retrospect.

My dreams are shattered...
They lie bleeding dying on the ground.
As the rain falls...
My tears are crashing without a sound.

I lose my mind screaming...
An unbearable cry from somewhere deep inside..
No one notices...
I hold myself tight, no harm may come.

And the rain pours down...
It tells no one what I've done.
It whispers softly to my broken and beaten soul...
All is not lost, you will one day be whole.

My hot tears burning my face...
The cold rain lashing me with it's cold embrace.
And the lightning flashes across the sky...
My tears keep falling from my eyes...
And as I look down I can see-
My blood, my life leaving me.

And alone in the rain and the wind I breathe my last breath...
And finally---I give in.

I'm living to die...dying to live...
Bleeding to feel, something, anything...nothing still.
Won't someone help me...won't someone see...
Someone please stop this agony.

You don't understand this circle I live.
The crying, the dying...the bleeding...screaming.
To you it makes no sense...this suicidal rage...
To me it is my only defense against the wrongs...
The hurts, the pain...against you.
Against the hell you put me through.
You hurt me so bad...you made me feel so low.
I never thought you of all people would deal that kind of blow.
So harsh...
So mean...I still can't believe...
It isn't true-
It isn't real...
This isn't happening...
I don't want to feel.
Make it stop!
God please don't!
It's happening again...
I don't understand...
Don't take that away...
Not my heart...
I just found it again...
And you're tearing it apart...

You ask me why I bleed, why I scream...
I live to die...I die to live.
The blood must erase the pain...
The pain must flow from my veins...
I have to stop feeling...
I have to feel something...
It  makes no sense...
This senseless destruction...
It leaves only scars...
And a ****** trail of tears.
The trail a river...
It's gone on for years...
It once ran dry...
But it rages once again.
I must purge myself of this evil...
Of all of our sins.
I have to stop feeling...
Or the emotions will take me down...
And if they win...surely I will drown.
And no one will save me...
And I cannot swim...
I will die there...
Inside myself...deep within.

But I live to die...And I die to live...
And every day--I'm the sacrifice I give.
But don't worry...death won't win...

She closes her eyes and her mind drifts away…

Feeling ashamed and all alone.

She gazes into the darkness of her room.
With her head pounding and her wrists aching…

She slowly reaches for the phone.

But hears them whispering,

"Don't be a burden, let them sleep.  It's not their problem-the demons you keep."

She wants to cry but the tears are frozen inside.

So she sits and tries her hardest…

To make sense of the chaos buried deep within her mind.

But her eyes get heavy as the pencil slows…

Another feeling buried…another poem unwritten.

But maybe they will let her sleep…

Maybe the feelings will go away….

The morning will come and the dreams will be forgotten.

The night of torment and pain is over.

It might be hot in her long sleeves and jeans,

But the night came to an end when she finally gave in.

And tonight she will do it yet again.

As I pull the blade across my already torn and tattered wrist…
I bite my lip and wonder…has anyone else ever felt like this?
No…of course not…and I push it from my mind…
As the blade erases everything from my mind,
And as my blood starts to flow the memories fade away…
Nothing else matters when I feel this way.
I breathe a sigh of relief as this amazing release takes hold…
Why can't anyone else understand this?

It's a "bad thing" or so I've been told.
But the bad thing is the only thing…
The thing that keeps me sane.
The blade is always there searching for willing flesh to play its evil little game.
And I a willing partner…
I never say no.
It's a giver and a taker…
And I am firmly in its hold.
It never lets me down…
It always eases the pain…
But sometimes I wonder if I've gone too far…
Just what is the blood washing away?
Is it pain?  Is it sin?
Is it every evil, dark and ugly thing I hold deep within?
I am not sure and it never tells…
Its secrets…like mine are condemning to hell.

You call her an angel…this girl I know so well.

She is no angel…she is more likely from hell.

She cries at night so no one knows…

She holds it all inside…only on her skin does it show.



You tell her you love her.

She doesn't understand…

She isn't this person…

She's really something bad.



She looks in the mirror…

She doesn't know who she sees…

This is no angel looking back at me.



I'm a *****, a ****…

I'm someone's little bit of fun.

I let it happen…

They don't ask that much.



I'm definitely no angel…

You are horribly confused.

I'm just another girl…

One that doesn't mind being used.



I can't stand this person…

I'm not the girl you say I am.

Wild and outrageous…

I'm completely out of hand.



I wish I was an angel.

I wish that I could see…

Something beautiful…worthwhile…

Something that I could never be.



I'm no angel…

I'm not innocent and sweet.

I'm just a girl…

I've lost myself completely.

How far can I run until I lose myself...
How far will you go to find me?

I'm standing on the edge of this darkness...
It's reaching, trying to consume me.

My eyes are glazed over...
Everyone is looking right past me.

The voices in my head...
They scream for me to jump.

I keep looking down...
The peace the darkness offers beckoning me.

And as I start to slip I hear you call my name.
You see me-trying to end my pain.

You grab my hand and pull me back...
Now I'm confused...I don't know where I'm at.

The peace I wanted...now out of reach...
The love I was starved for-being lavished on me.

And I know I don't deserve it...
You see I don't understand.

Though my heart is filled with love...
It is still the darkness that's pushing me over the edge.

And the voices still beckon...
The darkness still calls.

And another voice answers them...
It's mine-as I start to fall.

Forsaken and forlorn...
She was the one that was always scorned...

She was unwanted...
Unloved, and forgotten.

As she cried herself to sleep at night...
It was her own arms that comforted and held her tight.

Begging, pleading...she wanted so much...
Just to feel her mother's loving touch.

And still she waits...
Knowing she will never be held in a loving embrace.

But children can't be told such things...
And it hurts her deep inside just as it always has...

And she waits...
For some one to love her...and hold her tight...

And forever she'll be waiting...
Forever she'll cry.

You'll never know how your words hurt me.
You'll never see how I bleed.
You'll never see how much pain I hold so deep inside of me.
You'll never know the sorrow...
You'll never know the pain...
You'll never know the happiness was all just a facade.
You'll never see the side of me that cries at night.
The side of me that longs to be held close by your side.
You'll never know the child that saw so many things...
You'll never know the reason behind my wicked dreams.
You'll never understand me...
You will never see...
That because of what I've been through, because of what I've seen...
I refuse to hurt anyone...anyone but me.
I'll never tell you all these secrets I hold so dear...
You'll never know the pain you caused.
You'll never know the love and happiness you brought...
You'll never know the brokenness and how you tore my world apart.
You'll never know because I'll never let you see...
I'm sorry...You were right, I must have been living a dream.

I can't feel anymore…

Will you stay with me?

I hate me for breathing without you…

I don't want to feel anymore without you.

I don't want to breathe without you.
I don't want to live without you,

I just want to be like you…

Perfect like you…

Exactly what you want me to be so you'll always love me.

I don't want you to ever walk away.

Heartache haunts me everyday…

I believe I'm falling apart without you…

I'm grieving for you…

Because my heart longs for you...

And I'm alone.

I'm still here waiting…

Arms outstretched praying that someday…

You'll love me too.

Your angel was a fighter,
Your angel was so sweet...
Your angel used to believe in oh so many things.
Your angel never thought the world could hurt so much...
Your angel had the world come and knock her on her ****.

Your angel was your future...
So innocent and pure...
You said she was your angel...
Now suddenly you aren't so sure.
She gave you everything she had...
And now she'd give you more...
Just to keep you from walking away...
Like the ones that came before.

But you broke your angel's heart...
Just like you said you'd never do.
And now she's sitting in the corner.
She's mourning the loss of you.
Her wings are withered...
Feathers falling to the ground...
The beauty that once became her...
Has been replaced by pain...
And her tears...
They fall just like the rain.
Your angel is no more...
She's been broken deep inside.
And nothing short of God himself can heal this precious child.

I thought you loved me,
I thought you cared,
I thought you'd be there when I was scared.
Now I know that I was wrong.
You weren't who I thought you were.
I was just a distraction for your heart.
You never gave a **** from the start.
But I would have died for you.
I took down all my walls...
I let you in...
And now I'm the one that is broken and alone.
You lied to me...
you played on my broken spirit.
And I found you out....
You took the very best of me...
And now I'm dying...
And I need to feel something...
But I'm not what you really wanted...
So just walk away...
I've never felt so hurt...
Never felt so bruised...
I adored you...
This isn't the ending...
This isn't an "I love you"
Did you know what you were doing?
Did you know how it would end?
Do you know that my heart is never going to mend?
I've been hurt before...
I've been lied to...
But I've never died for anyone...
I've never lived for anyone...
And you're killing me...
This is the rainy ending to the perfect day.

Do you realize you're breaking my heart?
Slowly, Painfully...
I feel the agony.
I'm trapped...
In tears.
In my head I hear your voice.
I close my eyes...
I see your face.
My only thoughts.
You, My tragedy ...
My love,
Lost to you.
Yet a love so irreplaceable...
I just want to forget.
I want to forget it all...
But I cant...
And I never will...
Take my hand...
Like you once did.
Tell me it will be okay.
Say you're sorry...
Make it all better .
Love me the way you once did.
Save my soul from shattering...
Save my heart from breaking...

Save my world from falling apart...

The people all shuffle in...dressed in black with downcast eyes.
Not a word is spoken...hardly anyone has dry eyes.
She lived a good long life...but still we ask why?
Her husband reaches for my hand...
The pain in his eyes words cannot describe.
Sing for her one more time he says...she always loved to hear.
I look at him silently and shed a single tear.
I'll do my best...to make her proud.
But is she really listening, or is this for the ever growing crowd?
The comfort I offer is really not of much use...
A song with the right words can heal or break a heart...
But what good can I do if it's been broken from the start?
My voice holds no magic...
Just notes and melody.
I cannot heal the pain.
I guess I just hope to help you let go and say goodbye.

What do you do when you know you don't belong?
Where do you go when you are crying because nothing is what you thought it was?
How do you pick up the pieces of a torn and tattered heart...when the only thing that put it back together is the one thing that tore it apart?
I cry because I love you...and I know you love me too...
But I'm reminded every time I look around the room that I don't belong here.
This is someplace that I'll never go.
You say I'm welcome here...you say I'm family...
But every time I look around...all I see is you...your family...there is no me.

I'm not trying to be selfish...
I've tried really hard not to be hurt...
But I can't do it anymore...I can't let my heart hurt.
I'm glad that you're happy...
I'm glad that I finally see...
Something that was so obvious to everyone but me.
It was never a question of love...rather a question of being.
You're mouth says one thing...your life another...
I'm sorry...I guess you aren't really my mother.

I don't want to hurt you.
But you've unknowingly hurt me.
I can't pretend anymore.
I have to let go for me.

I don't want you back...
Don't bother coming home.
The feelings that I had for you...
They've only grown cold.
You broke my heart...
You made me feel used and cheap.
I don't want to see you again...
You're nothing to me.
The tears I cry...
They're nothing too...
The blood running down my arms...
Just a reminder of the pain...
Just a memory...
Caused by you.
I wanted to feel until my heart exploded...
And it did...
From hurt.
I'll never trust.
I'll never love.
I don't want you...
And I'm not what you wanted.
Let's stop pretending.
I've never been as hurt as I am by you.
Don't look at me.
Don't reach out your hand...
Don't touch me.
I'll always love you.
But I'll never come near you again.
Let me run away...
I'll never trust you.
You should've let me go...
You can't tame the wild.
You can only break it's spirit...
And treat it like a hurt child.
But the child's more damaged than you thought...
And now she's more so...
Because you took everything you gave her and threw it away.
You caught her once,
But it'll never happen twice.
She won't let you hurt her again...
She'd rather die...
And chances are she will...
Because you didn't just break her heart.
You broke her spirit...
Her hope, and her will...

Lost, broken and afraid…who thought that I'd turn out this way?

The child no one wanted…the little girl who talked way too much.

Now I'm the woman…the one no one gets to love.

I don't let anyone in…no one can ever see…

The pain, distress and devastation you have brought to me.

Some say I'm strong…others say I'm blind.

Yet still…they weren't there at night when I cried.

No one knows how weak I really am…

No one knows how hard I had to fight…

Just so I could live…and for what?  Is this really life?

I'm not sure it's worth it…maybe she should have won.

Looking back…the damage has already been done.

Bruises may fade…but the pain remains the same.

Scars will last a lifetime along with the memories that will never fade away.

I can't go on… I can't go back.

I can't change the past…

But I keep on living…

Keep on pretending to be…this strong woman everyone wants me to be.

Everyone thinks I'm so full of love…they have no idea what I'm full of.

But I'll smile just the same…hide all the pain.

No one has to know…and I can just keep playing my game.

I've never wanted anything so badly...
I've never hurt this much.
I've given up my heart...
I thought you said it was safe enough.
I guess you were wrong...
The tears stain my cheeks.

Did you know it would come to this?
Did you know how it would hurt?
Please let me let go of you...
You know I'll always love you...
But I can't live like this.
Hearts weren't meant to suffer...
They were meant to love.

And if you only knew...
That it was into your open arms I'd like to run...
Would you be waiting?
Or would be still be here staring...
Looking into each other's pain filled eyes...
Just so you know...
Our goodbye is my demise...
I'll never really live again.
But I can't pretend I have a mother
When you can't be my friend.

Please believe me...
I don't want this to end...
I want my Mommy...
But my Mommy is dead.
She left me when I was a little girl.
And I've been wrong to try and find her.
Mother's aren't found...
They're gifts from God...
My gift was never given...
I wasn't deserving...
But I never wanted to let you go...
And I still don't want to walk away...
But it's better for you...
I can't hurt you this way.

You want me I know...
But for what reasons...
They are secrets untold.
You take my hand and lead me to a place...
So warm and comforting...
I've never seen such beauty and grace...
And just as I was believing it was all true...
A cold wind started blowing...
Tearing straight through me.
What have I lost today?
I do not know.
Once I did...but now I have nothing to show.
I thought there was love
I thought there was peace...
It was all a lie...
You used me.
My soul is bruised...
My heart sprayed in pieces on the floor...
But we both know that the moment you come for me...
I am yours.
I love you...
I hate you...
I need you to be real...
I need you to understand me...
Love me...
Make me real.

The wind hits my face...
I'm running some kind of race.
I know it's one that I can't win...

Everyone thinks that I'm so strong...
What everyone doesn't know is that everyone is wrong.
I'm falling faster than I can fly...

My wings won't carry me much farther...
I can almost touch the ground...
Am I going to break without a sound?

How am I going to keep going on...
I can't keep up the act...
I don't even know who I am anymore...

An angel? Not quite...
A devil...on days...
A disappointment...for sure...

The sad thing is that anymore...
Falling doesn't seem so bad...
It's living that causes distress...

Looking back on life I realize I am guilty of so many sins.
My concience I keep close to me to remind me of my misguided attempts at life.
Looking at myself in the mirror is like looking through glass...
Every mistake, every pain, every problem...
It's there staring back.
I try to look away but my haunted eyes catch my gaze...
Clear and blue...too often filled with pain.
Memories flood my mind from yesterday and before...
What have I done...
How much more damage before I can do no more?
The glass grows clearer as time goes on...
Hindsight is 20/20...
But does it get any easier to look at our failure?
And back in the mirror a scared little girl stares back at me...
I don't want to remember her...
I wish she wasn't me.
Too many times she was never good enough...
Too many times her Mommy's love was a little too rough.
Her eyes are pleading...begging for love.
Putting her back in the glass is not easily done.
And the images start to fade...
With my mistakes lingering in my mind like yesterday...
The ironic thing is that glass isn't the only invisible thing in my dream...
I'm invisible too...there is no reflection to haunt me in this mirror of horror...
I am truly alone...
For everyone that never saw me...
For everyone that never knew...
I don't really have any words of wisdom for you...
But your day will come...
We can't always be strong...
The mirror will haunt you too...
Long after I am far gone.