I wrote a letter to you today…..
It was a scene that played all too many times in my head.
You walked right up to me…
*And instead of silence
I took a deep breath
And I screamed….
What do you want from me?
Haven't you taken enough…
Can't you see the pain you've caused...
I'm hurting bad enough…
You were never my Mom…
What makes you think that's changed now?
I'm sorry you want me back…
But I'm someone else's little girl now.
Do you remember the day you left my dad?
I do…
It's one of the worst memories I'll ever have.
I can still see the tears run down his face…
As he listened to the words no one wanted you to say.
I was sitting on his lap and feeling so confused.
Daddy said he loved you…
Why didn't you love him too?
And then the day came and you packed away all our things…
Daddy cried again.
I didn't understand what I know all too well now.
You liked the pain in his eyes…
You liked seeing me cry as we drove away and life forever changed.
I cried every night…
Sometimes I cry still…
Because it hurts so bad to know how you were…
Even though everyone just says you were ill…
I don't think you were.
Then you got this great new job.
You worked with all sorts of bad people…
Did any of them know that they should be sharing a cell with you?
Or did your lie work on them too…
I remember being alone every night of the week…
Going to the neighbors because there wasn't any food to eat.
And all the ***** men you always had to bring home…
I remember how they smell…
How I prayed to just go home.
You never talked you always yelled…
You said Dad was a bad person and you hoped he'd go to hell
I remember being afraid of him…
I'll never forget the pain in his eyes the day I cried and screamed for him to leave me alone
Thanks for helping me hurt him even more.
And then he broke down and told me he'd given up the fight.
I'd never live with him again…I'd only be able to just spend the night.
Again I cried…
Why didn't he want me?
It was you.
Bad things started happening again…
Some bruises, some cuts…
All injuries from being a playful kid…right?
That's what all the teachers said to help them sleep at night.
Then the letters, the vandalism, the threats.
Everyone hated my black brother…or so you said…
As you ran out the door half naked and crazed…
Waving your gun in the air and screaming.
Didn't you know you should be screaming at yourself?
What kind of mother calls her own son a ****** and hangs a doll on the fence with painted blood running down its back?
And if that wasn't attention enough, suddenly fires started coming…
Small ones that were easy to take care of…
Gradually getting bigger…
And then I guess you'd had enough.
You set our porch on fire…
The back porch was soaked in lighter fluid…
A flammable trail leading through our house.
You said you wanted to die…
Then you said you wished we all had.
You went away that night…
Our family was torn apart.
My grandma let me live with her…
Though I don't really know why.
I wasn't easy to get along with…
I didn't know what to believe anymore
Couldn't tell the difference between the truth and your lies.
I wanted my Mom…my Daddy…
I wanted a hug.
I finally got one when I was 14 from someone I barely knew.
It was only a few years too late…
You almost killed me…
But what you never knew was that I did die that night…
On the inside.
Part of me gave up…
I let you win.
So many times I tried to take my life?
Why??
Because I wished I'd have had a real Mom in my life.
Do you know how it hurts to be hated and abused?
I cut my wrists every night just to make sure I was still alive because I was so numb.
All because of the things you'd done.
I never cried because you liked that so much…
And when I finally did…it all came rushing out like a flood.
I hope you're happy…
I hope that you finally see…
There are consequences to your actions.
Not everyone is so forgiving or fast to accept your little insanity plea.
I know there's nothing wrong with you…
Go ahead and live your lie.
I loved the notes you used to send me once a year…
How you said you missed me and wanted me back…
How does it feel to want something so close yet completely out of reach?
I wanted a Mom too…
But I ended up with you.
And then the mean comments about how I was a *****…how I was wasting my life and talents…
Didn't you notice your prodigal child having 4 kids by the time she was 20?
And my talent has nothing to do with you.
The only part of me you will ever take credit for is the hurt little girl that never goes away
She cried every night because she wants so badly to tell someone…
Wants so badly to be loved…
Wants so badly to have a Mommy…
You can tell everyone that I'm a horrible person…I don't care.
I'm not half of the monster you are.
I hope I break your heart if you even have one.
I hope you understand that this is not a start…
It's my way of telling you that I hate you…
By the way in case you care…
I am doing just fine without you in my life.
Hard to believe considering how much you tried to **** it all up.
My dad…the man you despise and taught me to fear…
He's my hero once again…a million times better than you
And I know how you hate me…but another thing you probably learned
You can beat me, break me, and take everything I have…even try to **** me…
But at my worst we're still 100% better than you.
Oh yeah…I almost forgot…
I finally found my Mommy too
She loves me and doesn't do any of the things like you.
She never hits me, never screams, never prostitutes me like a cheap *****…
She calls me everyday…
Lets me know I am loved…and so much more.
So I hope you understand what I'm telling you here…
I thought I needed you in my life, but I was wrong.
In case you didn't get it I'm not your child, I never was.
You aren't my Mom you're just a ****** *****.
I hope that someday you realize what you've lost…
And it's a good thing God forgives…because as far as I'm concerned you can burn in Hell.