this is not like getting your heart ripped out and stepped on. i dont know if its worse or better. its more like slowly getting sliced open with a scalpel, so sharp its almost numb to the touch, but the pain hits you in a second when the blood and bones are exposed to air, this new air theyve never seen. this unfamiliar other side of love air, the air they heard of but never thought would grace their nerves.

this is like diving into the ocean with that person you love. staying under for a few seconds holding your breath, feeling weightless, feeling flawless, being flawless. then that person climbs on top of your shoulders to gasp for air, and you need to breathe but you cant get up. how could they do this? dont they see me down here? dont they know this hurts, they needed to breathe, why do they think i dont?

this isnt final. as i write this i still have hope months from now he and i will be on vacation somewhere together. i hope as distance grows and i grow independent he misses me, and i hope i never miss him again. not because hes not lovely, just because he never misses me. why doesnt he miss me? i am so wonderful. he said it himself.

this is a tragedy. i caused it, i need it, i dont want it to happen. i see myself being so worthy of his love, i see myself caving in to whatever he asks of me, i see myself becoming the weakest individual ive known to withstand heartbreak. im hating myself for this.

this is a blessing. ive been waiting for the end for months. i need to be free, to find someone trustworthy who will devote themselves as ive devoted myself to this person who never could give me what ive given them. unconditional, flawless love. unadulterated. perfect love. flawless unjaded and willing to last forever.

i am such a fool. why did i think i would be different, everyone in the world gets duped and i thought i was in for a treat. i thought i was lucky. im never lucky. ive never been lucky. i am so nice. i was so much nicer when i met him. i was so happy. i can still be happy. but i cant with him. what have i done

i hate this

as we laid side by side in that september,
staring to the sky
hand in hand, palm in palm, arm to arm
i watched the rain fall into my eyes
and did not blink

it was as if my mind knew not to fear the feeling
it was only but foreshadowing of the months to come
and the universe's way of paying it forward
giving me reserves to support
the freeing flood of tears that were soon to come

and as the **** broke, the flood charged on
our trust shattered
let the cries commence

if you just like to hear me cry

its fine my dear

cause i quite like the taste

of my own tears

but unfortunately all this salt

has dried me out

and i only know to seek refuge

in your mouth

so please excuse the distance

and ignore my apologies

because all i knew was to love you

all i wanted was to please

and you were different

im unsure of what it is you seek

just know im out of tears now

and im not what you need

O, the naivete of a flower to blossom.
Can't you tell they watched you bloom
just to cut you from the bottom?

When surrounded by nothing permanent,
it amazes me
how engulfed in the finality of this anguish I am.

He was the shore.
He wore thin as time passed,
and was as pale as the sand.

And she was the ocean.
Her mind just as vast,
her thoughts just as blue.

And she crashed upon him
one too many times
and then he was gone.