one thing
i absolutely hated about myself
before he came along,
were the freckles on my face
and how different they made me look
a part from everyone else.
but the day he noticed my freckles
“radiating in the sunshine”
was the end of the constant war
i felt within myself.
i started to become so comfortable
with the way he would gently grasp my face,
counting how many freckles he could spot
was always a game.
i never knew anybody could make me feel so at peace
with the way i looked
but let me tell you what
i wished for more freckles
hoping it would keep him interested
when really the only person doing any harm was me.
i wanted and wanted and wanted.
when he went away,
so did the sunshine.
and so did my freckled face.

give it time

they all say to give it time
but how much time is enough
to not feel like
im constantly depending on it
because lately
it seems like there's no amount of time
that can make these feelings go away
no matter who comes and goes
nobody will replace you
and not a second goes by
that the idea of you
doesn’t cross my mind
because i believe it is true
that no amount of time
will cancel out
how strongly i feel about you
and the thing about time,
is that it doesn't actually run out
the clock is always ticking
seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, years, centuries
it's really all just a number
that brings a new day
i hope it will all be worth the wait
because im not willing to give up time

sure i might
admire every single move you make
and so what if i look the other way
every time i catch you glancing over
it all feels too much like the beginning
where i knew it’d be easy for you
to find a place
deep in one of the chambers of my heart
and so
i might not be opposed to welcoming you
right back in
but i do have one request
i hope you don't leave another chamber empty
like you did the first time
just for it to be the last
because my heart can't take any more damage
of feeling hollow
and being without you

carrying hope

it’s been a while
but that’s the thing
carrying hope does this to you
because no matter how long it’s been
time doesn’t stop you
from holding on
to something that you cherished
for so long.
carrying hope
will remind you of
the constant battle you feel
between wanting to let go
and wanting to wait it out
because in your mind,
there’s a small chance
that one night he’ll wake up
and he’ll miss you
and you’ll be waiting.
i can’t tell you not to carry this hope
because chances are,
no matter how bad you want to drop it,
the hope hangs tight
it won’t let go.
the problem is;
you’ll carry this with you
for far too long.
face it,
you’re only afraid
of hoping someone new will come along.
and you fear that this new hope
won’t be able to replace the old hope
that you’re still carrying.

been there

people say things they don’t mean
it’s up to us to decide
how well we take the things they say
either with a grain of salt
or
like a freshly sharpened knife
diving straight into our back
jokes are fun and all
secrets are a step up
and confessions,
those are the deal breakers
but
It’s up to us to decide
what’s worth dwelling over
all i can say is
i’ve been there and i’ve done that
i’ve recieved news, i didn’t think was possible
that grain of salt was taken,
but at the same time
that freshly sharpened knife,
it drove right through
and the dwelling,
it’s still taking place.

one last look
at the mountains
that remind me of all sorts of things
reminders of the obstacles
and the space
i feel between you and i
reminders of the up-comings
and downfalls
most importantly,
reminders of the times
i've climbed up such a steep *****
just to get to you
the trees
bring out my growth
the wind
it blows and sounds like all of the listeners
spreading tiny secrets all over
and when they fall,
that's when we did too.
when the leaves change color
either brighter, to spread love
or darker to share hate
and resentment
that's what i recall
being overlooked

you must really be confused
one day you would say i love you
you were overprotective
and jealous
you were caring and kind in ways only i understood
and the next day
your looks were so deceiving
you wanted me all to yourself
but then there were times when i wasnt enough
i was more than you could handle actually
you made promises
you didnt keep
but this isnt about you
this is about me and how confused you made me feel
the thing about confusion
is you dont really know why you’re confused or where you’re confused at
all you know is there’s something missing and you can’t understand why
what i dont understand
is how you can say you love someone more
when you dont even know what more stands for
and thats where im confused
you didnt love me more
you barely loved me at all
more meant that you wouldve done anything
to be at gods end with me
not that now
i’d rather be the last person you’d want to be stuck on this planet with

how
how is it possible
to hate someone so much
you end up loving them
how
how is it possible
to love someone so much
you end up hating them
i’m having trouble trying to comprehend these results
and how one person
can bring so many feelings
whether they’re wanted or unwanted
it all ends up being so time consuming
maybe possibly
its my mind playing tricks again
maybe possibly
its me being too optimistic
i told myself
i would stop caring so much
quite possibly
this is me overthinking
this is me still caring
im sorry

i would come home from school
and ramble
about you
about my day
about you
about the homework i didnt plan on completing
about you some more
i got so used to rambling about you
other things stopped mattering
my favorite part of the day stopped being about the nap i constantly wanted to take
and it started to be about seeing you
talking to you
making you skip your classes to come sit during mine
and that’s what you were
mine
here i go
rambling about rambling about you

accept that you deserve more
than painful love
and forced conversations that are always late
to reply
stop settling for less because thats not what you are
you are not less than what you think
you are the sunshine that overpowers
those heavy clouds that make you dismal
stop the overthinking at 2am
that consume your thoughts
accept that you deserve more
than those who are undeserved
acceptance will help you to move forward
denial will cause you to pull backwards
and hope
that’ll keep you in the middle
once you accept your own self worth
everything else will fall into place
those clouds will be overpowered
by the sunshine that you are
acceptance is powerful
and means no harm
so give it a try and i promise you
life will fulfill you and there will be no more
fighting the negative
because there is nothing more negative than fighting
and you,
you deserve to be accepted more than anything in the entire world

you treat them like they
have a heart like yours
but not everyone can be
as pure and forgiving as you are
you don’t see the person they are
you see the person they once were
or the person they have potential to be
which is why you give
and give and give
until it starts wearing you down
they pull everything out of you
and leave you completely empty
when really,
you deserve to be so full
and not the type of full you feel
after a thanksgiving feast,
I’m talking about the full, you’ve lived up to
you should radiate
you should feel warm
you should sit tall and feel like you’re on top of the world
because you’ve given so much
so much good
to the world

four hundred and thirty
is the number of days we spent together
there were four hundred and thirty
memories made
day by day
every pure moment was spent with you
let me rephrase that
pure or in-pure
i was still with you, either way
we were in it to win it
i guess four hundred and thirty days
was enough for you
because
it definitely wasn’t the winning number either
wishing there were more days spent with you
is becoming exhausting
although exhausting doesn’t compare
to what i felt
for four hundred and thirty days

i hate my nickname
it reminds me of you
and it ***** really
because the people i care about most
call me by my nickname
a nickname that you didnt give me
but took with you
a nickname i’ll never be happy to be called again
because of you
because you over used it
just like the i love you’s
you never meant in the first place
a nickname is supposed to be of affection
between those in love
or those who share a close bond
why did i get so comfortable
with the way you used my nickname
it was supposed to be endearing
now its just a nickname
that i cant get rid of
thank you

to love someone more than yourself
is a gift and a curse
really
some say youre not capable of loving others
unless you learn to love yourself first
but in this case
what if you never learn to love yourself
so all you have to look for
is loving others more
more than youve ever learned to love before
a gift

the way life works is weird
all of the miscommunications
are unsettling and confusing
social media is just a distraction
a distraction from the real world,
an avoidance from confrontation
why is it that we constantly search for
avoidance
in reality we’re only hurting ourselves more
the more and more avoidance we face
the bigger and bigger problems become
that we dont.
throughout life,
we experience feelings all at once
or not at all
sometimes we think its better to run away
until everything catches up
and then we’re stuck
stuck in quicksand
and the only way of getting out
is to talk about the problem
breaking the ice
after we hit the iceburg

there are two types of sadness

there’s the kind of sadness
we ignore and
try to get rid of it
by finding new things to do
or we find someone to talk to
by blatantly avoiding any type of conversation
about feeling sad
about having any feelings at all
and then there’s that kind of sadness
that takes over
and it consumes any activity we do
we know it’s there
and there’s no possible way to avoid it
so we feed it exactly what it wants
it craves the sad music
it craves the isolation
it craves the anxiousness
and the sadness comes storming in
it has no manners
here we are calling sadness, an “it”
when all it is
is a feeling
that most people
call home

i didn’t mean to depend on you
like flowers depend on sunlight for growth
i didn’t mean to push you away only for you to come back
like one does on a swing
i didn’t mean for us to be so similar yet so different
like shades from one color
i didn’t mean to give you my entire heart
like one does on Valentine’s Day when they give their significant other a box of chocolates in the shape of one
i didn’t mean to become inseparable with you
so that now every time i look around and you’re not there, i feel as though i’m in a world all alone
i didn’t mean for all of this to happen
i hate it really
i hate missing you
i hate constantly having you on my mind, which I guess would be considered missing
i hate everything about myself
i didn’t mean to constantly have to be searching for you in other people
that is one thing we have in common
except you attempt to fill the void
that i didn’t even mean to leave behind

i guess you could say
that my mind is all over the place
and i cant stop
but wonder
what you’re doing
where you are
who watches you practice
who listens to you ramble on and on
what your new favorite food is
and if you’re still avoiding pizza
like im avoiding you
there’s certain things
i want to say
but it isn’t my place
so
i’ll stick with the fragmented sentences
and the one word replies
because that’s the only way
i know how to get your attention
while
just wondering

sometimes my mind is an enemy
sometimes my mind is a friend
and sometimes
my mind confuses me
altogether,
it’s hard to have such a conflicting mind
the guessing game isn’t getting any easier
i haven’t learned how to deal with
two different sides
i barely know how to cope well enough on my own
not with two faced people
not with you
and certainly
not with myself.
tell me how
to always allow myself to be my own friend
because i’m starting to get awfully comfortable
with hating myself
and loving my own enemy