i hate my nickname
it reminds me of you
and it ***** really
because the people i care about most
call me by my nickname
a nickname that you didnt give me
but took with you
a nickname i’ll never be happy to be called again
because of you
because you over used it
just like the i love you’s
you never meant in the first place
a nickname is supposed to be of affection
between those in love
or those who share a close bond
why did i get so comfortable
with the way you used my nickname
it was supposed to be endearing
now its just a nickname
that i cant get rid of
thank you

to love someone more than yourself
is a gift and a curse
really
some say youre not capable of loving others
unless you learn to love yourself first
but in this case
what if you never learn to love yourself
so all you have to look for
is loving others more
more than youve ever learned to love before
a gift

the way life works is weird
all of the miscommunications
are unsettling and confusing
social media is just a distraction
a distraction from the real world,
an avoidance from confrontation
why is it that we constantly search for
avoidance
in reality we’re only hurting ourselves more
the more and more avoidance we face
the bigger and bigger problems become
that we dont.
throughout life,
we experience feelings all at once
or not at all
sometimes we think its better to run away
until everything catches up
and then we’re stuck
stuck in quicksand
and the only way of getting out
is to talk about the problem
breaking the ice
after we hit the iceburg

there are two types of sadness

there’s the kind of sadness
we ignore and
try to get rid of it
by finding new things to do
or we find someone to talk to
by blatantly avoiding any type of conversation
about feeling sad
about having any feelings at all
and then there’s that kind of sadness
that takes over
and it consumes any activity we do
we know it’s there
and there’s no possible way to avoid it
so we feed it exactly what it wants
it craves the sad music
it craves the isolation
it craves the anxiousness
and the sadness comes storming in
it has no manners
here we are calling sadness, an “it”
when all it is
is a feeling
that most people
call home

i didn’t mean to depend on you
like flowers depend on sunlight for growth
i didn’t mean to push you away only for you to come back
like one does on a swing
i didn’t mean for us to be so similar yet so different
like shades from one color
i didn’t mean to give you my entire heart
like one does on Valentine’s Day when they give their significant other a box of chocolates in the shape of one
i didn’t mean to become inseparable with you
so that now every time i look around and you’re not there, i feel as though i’m in a world all alone
i didn’t mean for all of this to happen
i hate it really
i hate missing you
i hate constantly having you on my mind, which I guess would be considered missing
i hate everything about myself
i didn’t mean to constantly have to be searching for you in other people
that is one thing we have in common
except you attempt to fill the void
that i didn’t even mean to leave behind

i guess you could say
that my mind is all over the place
and i cant stop
but wonder
what you’re doing
where you are
who watches you practice
who listens to you ramble on and on
what your new favorite food is
and if you’re still avoiding pizza
like im avoiding you
there’s certain things
i want to say
but it isn’t my place
so
i’ll stick with the fragmented sentences
and the one word replies
because that’s the only way
i know how to get your attention
while
just wondering

sometimes my mind is an enemy
sometimes my mind is a friend
and sometimes
my mind confuses me
altogether,
it’s hard to have such a conflicting mind
the guessing game isn’t getting any easier
i haven’t learned how to deal with
two different sides
i barely know how to cope well enough on my own
not with two faced people
not with you
and certainly
not with myself.
tell me how
to always allow myself to be my own friend
because i’m starting to get awfully comfortable
with hating myself
and loving my own enemy