thinking of myself, at the wrong times
thinking of everyone else, at the wrong times
I’m mixed up I can’t get the timing right
I flip the fried
egg too fast i wasn’t ready
the yolk always spills on me
& the pan was too hot

because
it is about *** and it is
about body it’s a part
of me and I’ve grown
tired
of pretending it’s not

it’s not but it is
an everyday day
and i really shouldn’t care
at this point in the game
but i’ve been avoiding myself
and
counting

my words
come together like glass
shatter when it’s fast,
too loud,
or any of the other
undesirable traits
from my father’s side
(she said)

wash it away but
the waves come back
too quickly;
i can’t help but fall
underwater
again
overflowing on
bad timing
the wrong judgment
a miscalculation

(get over it)
click clack counting the minutes
feeling alone lonely on my own
feeling like it’s fake but
i just can’t shake it sinks and it sizzles
across my stomach and my face
does it show?
can you tell?
am i good at hiding or is it spelled
out
there, no one cares
(get over it)

i keep on checking,
and yes -- Life is
still moving on --
<Time heals all> like
they say, and they always have been
saying and like I always have been
reading, and i read --

my therapist reminds me
i'm not a mind reader.
it's lost in translation,
the words get twisted
and they lose their meanings.

i try to feel it, blindly,
the bumps
and the textures
i guess my best but i get it wrong?

a miscalculation, jumping to
or from something im not
quite sure i caught the name of--

so i read on.

no one knows i almost drowned this morning
no one knows i fought the rolling waves
no one knows i faced a torrential downpour
im drenched in it i can
feel it but no one else can
no one knows im soaked
head to toe
no one knows im covered
with the droplets,
cold when
the wind blows

alice fell down the hole again,
where the clocks don’t begin
and it’s only then when
she realizes
that she’s been falling.

alice fell down the hole again,
and the spiral starts to spin.
she looked around and quietly mused
im lost again, im awfully confused.

alice fell down the hole again,
in the story that never ends.
she hit her head and cannot tell
which way is up, which way is down.

alice fell down the hole again,
this time, she wasn’t sure she’d call it falling.
her head felt strangely clear now
as she got used to being topsy turvy.

and when I stopped looking in mirrors it just
started seeping through all of my other
reflections I cannot just see them
I know “don’t believe them” I
try not to hear them
but it brings me back
to the same feeling
that I thought I left behind
or buried in my own mind
somewhere
i can’t find
the solid footing, the candy coating
wish I could pause it, im exhausted..
im still here

one of those days
where everything I say comes
crashing out like waves
and comes together like glass,
shatters, too fast, too loud,
salty, unforgiving,
pouring over people, and
i can tell they all hate it.