Why does everyone always think I'm in love?
Sure, it looks like it.
The signals all point to it.
When I see her, I smile
When I hear her, I smile

When I think of her, I smile

Yes, those are clear aspects as to why I love her.
Well, I'm not capable of love
I don't know how to love
I don't know how to be in love
I don't know what love feels like

I don't know what love is

And yet, this one time, I thought I finally knew
It isn't what a dictionary tells you
Nothing can compare to the real feeling
Words cannot explain what love is.
However, words can build love
Words can build trust

But words can destroy these as well

I cant love, at all
That's obvious of course,
You have to speak from experience
And I tried, I did, I really tried
And not only did i fail

I failed twice

I tried too less and I tried too much
I don't know what exactly 'enough' is
But I guess "there is never enough"
Does not apply for love
I lost both wars and now there's one left to face

But that is a story for another time

They say "home is where the heart is"
Whoever 'they' are I hope they're wrong or are they right?
If they're right, then my heart is toxic and horrible
And I perfectly agree with that
No one should be poisoned by the toxic waste inside me

So i tried to give it away, to see if someone would love
A toxic heart

Looking back now, I saw how bad of an idea that was
Who would love a heart that was not only disgusting, but was deadly
I've made a mistake, two mistakes that outweigh all the other mistakes I've made
It's hard to make mistakes like this
They hurt, bad.
So to summarize it all,

Never give harmful things to others

So don't say I'm in love
I didn't even fall out of it
I was pushed away from it
And I guess I deserved it

But I do know the dictionary definition of love
It sums up all the things I know and deserve
So what do I deserve?

love - n. (tennis)

Why do looks matter so much
If all that mattered was how I felt
it would be a simple, but
I check and check, looking for a reason to like you less
or to like you more.

I sit in limbo, not allowing myself to want more
but gradually gliding, I know this can't stay the same.
Limbo is limited. It's comfort restricted.
At some point somethings going to give
Either I realise its fine, your fine because I feel it
or it's not, you're not because they say it.

Another story is why we, I mean I care that they care
it remains none the less.
Would it affect us, could it be perfect,
they would accept it, they always do.
Do they even care or is it just me
Is this all just a lie, is it me, is it I.
Am I the one with the problem, is it only my consent that matters
my disapproval of you and of me.
My disapproval of me.

Wanted: v.; to desire, to lack

I wanted you to be the stars to my sky --
I would have let you form
galaxies and constellations
to the edge of infinity,
in whatever shapes you pleased.
I wanted you to be the pen,
while I, the paper,
let you write across me,
telling me your story,
blending it with mine.
You were the avalanche
to my echoing heartbeats:
unstable, unstoppable,
a snowflake turned by rage
into a force incomparable.
You were the thunder
to my summer storm:
inconstant, intemperate,
a distant reminder
of things worse to come.

I wanted you to be a sonnet,
but instead you were an elegy
for a love unrequited.

And I would hold your hand,
but I can grasp a pen;
and it makes me free to know
that unlike you
the pen
will not
let go.

I walked into there
so long ago
right into hell
head held high

with foolish
Optimism

and there you were
smiling
appealing
defeating

time went by
spent in this grease hole

I've suffered
I've fret
I've cried
& I've looked to you

I love you
& you kept my optimism alive
barely
it was hungry
it was doubtful

but it had you

we've fought
sort of
And the tension never ceased

we've grown to know each other
& and I know I wasn't the only one who cared

But you've found another
and
I'm happy for you

and it's finally your time

time to make something of yourself
time to leave here
time to forget

but

I've memorized all those things you do
when you're nervous and excited
& there they are

I see you plugging your ears
as you overflow with emotion
and in that moment

I love you
I know I do
everything about you

I truly love you
& in a tunnel of hands
Waving goodbye
You ascend to bright futures ahead

and I miss you
I already do
& I can't say one word
'Bout how I feel for you

I want you more
than I've ever known

she had her lingering pale blue eyes
and long blonde hair
skin like paper
dotted here and there with freckles
She was the first
way back when
in the first grade
her name haunted that old farm house
she was the first

A friends sister
back in the sixth grade
she was two years older than me
and **** it
she carried it well
I'd sit next to her
on the sofa
waiting for my friend
to come down the stairs
so we could walk to school

The short brunette
who loved the Chicago Bears
watching that super bowl
in the rec room of my parents' house
truth or dare
a peck on the lips
my seventh grade conquest
bathed in nostalgia
I don't remember who won
I don't even remember who was playing

high school came
and brought with it
a new field of roses
some of them wilted
all of them perfect
I told her she would have made a great mother
and I meant it
my best friend's girl

The little church girl
little robin red cheeked
prom night photos
suits and dresses
and smiles and holding
crystallized in the flash of a Nikon

The girl with her guitar
and her poster
carpe that ******* diem
her upper teeth
came out below her curling lip
and when she smiled
a hint of gums
a hint of pearl
the one that time
placed out of reach
in some other place
with some other people

For one night
there was the blonde bombshell
she came to town once a year
like a hurricane
a natural disaster
that I stood outside waiting for
with my umbrella

The ones who were smarter than me
the ones who loved me
when I didn't
the ones who laughed
at my smart *** comments
the ones who were there
to pull me from
the flipped wreckage
of the silver hyundai accent that I miss so much
the ones who wouldn't take any of my ****
the one's I see walking by on the street
the one's I only see behind closed eyelids
the special love I have for all of them
all of them
my baby blue