list of things that keep me up at night:

one, her

i think about all the times i just wanted to grab her face and kiss her and i didn't. i was scared to.

i think about what ifs and could've beens that keep me tossing and turning like the insomniac i am.

but the love i felt for her was something different, something that was real. i loved her. no. i love her now, even some odd two hundred miles apart from her, i still love her.

my heart skips a beat when i say her name out loud to myself, so i say it often, and proudly, because what we had was real and nobody can or will take it away from me.

i think about how i heard one time in a movie that the skin on your lips regenerates every two weeks and though i dont know if its true, its been more than two weeks and maybe my lips have forgotten her but i sure as hell havent.

i don't want to.

and its been said before in an obscure poem that if [she] spoke that insomnia might loosen its wholesome grip on my throat, and honestly i feel the same about her.

but maybe it is time to move on now

two, other things
i constantly say i'm okay with dying when in reality i am very afraid to die. mostly because i'm not sure i've done everything in this life that i can.
maybe what i really want is to just not exist for a while.

and i think about how i have these memories of running into rose bushes on bicycles and staying up all night talking to strangers in houses not my own.

i can still feel the pain from the first time my heart broke. it healed and left a scar, and was ripped apart at the seams when i moved.

and then that one memory resurfaces and i want to break down and cry and all i can think or say is "i'm sorry" repeated like a broken record.

imsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimstillinlovewithyouandiamso­sorry

and then, sometimes when i cant bear my own thoughts any longer,

i call up a friend and when our fading voices and last bits of laughter pull the sun up high

high into the sky and i

i breathe.
i lay my head down and close my eyes,

and finally,

               i sleep.

we are the kings and queens of this earth,
the ones who shall inherit what is rightfully ours.
we have waited patiently for thousands of years,
seedlings nestled away to sprout when the time was right.
now is the time, dear brothers and sisters,
to take it back from the ones who possess it now.
this world is ours,
now and forevermore.

i had a girl crush.
she was sweet and kind,
understanding and funny.
she made me feel like, for the first time,
i fit in. and she made my heart flutter
and race. of course it was hard to tell her
how i felt exactly, because
i didn’t even know how i felt.
but when i did know, i felt so happy.
and then anxiety set in, paranoia accompanying
it. it felt like my world would crumble
at a moment’s notice. I worked through it,
built up my self esteem, and prayed to any
deity I though would listen.
when I finally built it up enough, I did
the unthinkable: I asked her out.
and she said yes.
instantly, the paranoia, fear and anxiety
all faded from existence. it was if everything that
felt about to crumble was set right.
everything was good again.

you’re killing yourself,
          slowly and surely
          just wondering about the
    what ifs
    
                           couldve beens
                                                          ­            almosts.
because none of it will ever happen.

its silly you won’t love me
because i promise to hold your hand.

but if i cannot love you as a
l   o  v  e  r
then i will love you as a
friend


but it’s all okay

i’ll be okay
i swear.

because if you’re happy
even if i’m not
that’s all that even
*m a t t e r s

everything was fine
and then, it wasnt

it started slowly
a sort of madness that no one expects
or sees

you kept to yourself more
wore black and grey
and something inside of you just wanted to scream

for no reason, either

and you slipped away,
silently and slowly
with nobody even noticing
until you were gone.

nobody said anything about you
for days, weeks
because we didn't know either

it felt bad for us to see you go
like something was ripped from us
and as slowly as you went

you came back.

you weren't the same though. ever.

I opened up to you,
and yet, it seems, through my vulnerabilities
you cracked down that wall I hid so well.
stone by stone, brick by brick
you tore it down, bringing down the only protection I had.
I worried for so long, about the simple things,
and you brought other things to my attention
making me see things in a better light.
you built my self esteem up,
little by little, bit by bit
until I almost felt proud of myself.
and then, you left.
and I was built more walls
brick by brick, stone by stone
to keep people like you out.