it was more than a week ago
when he burned my hand
and i called you up drunk.
she pulled the phone from my hand
and told me i was making a mistake.
i told her i was calling my mom
and she gave it back to me.
we were on the bus
when i called her
and i smiled at him and i felt dizzy.
she took my phone from my hand
and talked to her.
you didn't pick up so i called again.
ring.
ring.
ring.
i whispered in her ear
careful and afraid,
( i n t o x i c a t e d )
"don't tell her what i told you earlier."
she turned to me with an eye roll and said,
"i would never."
he watched us.
hands shaking as i texted you
as steady as i possibly could.
it might have been the third time i told you i love you that month.
you told me to stop texting.
she handed the phone back to me and got off the bus.
i told him to come over here.
he said no.
i sighed and sat next to him.
she was giggling in my ear.
i felt sad.
so i started to smoke.
she took my phone away.
my voice was hoarse from all the cigarettes
and my hands were frozen.
inside, someone turned on all the lights.
i handed him the phone.
he asked if you were my sister.
she gave me back my phone.
i messaged you again.
you said you were bowling.
i said i didn't care.
i hung up the phone and asked him where he was going.
we were alone.
he said orleans, what about you?
i said st laurent.
i told him my sister lives there.
you wouldn't call.
your phone was broken.
it went straight to voicemail.
you said i was drunk.
i said i wasn't.
i said he burned my hands and i made lots of friends.
you said congratulations.
i got off the bus before him.
i said i love you.
you said, "you're drunk."
i said i was scared
and that i was alone.
no one would answer my calls.
i got off the bus at my sisters.
i listened to the strokes.
someone behind me called my name.
i played with the cigarette pack in my pocket.
it was my sister's boyfriend.
he lead me up to their apartment.
they gave me beer.
and ****.
you said i should be talking to her.
i said i'd rather be talking to you.
i met a drug dealer
and tried to roll a joint.
they told me to keep drinking so i did.
it wasn't enough.
you said you were done.
i asked you why but i think i already knew the answer.
"i want to wake up with a hangover."
"keep drinking."
you went to bed.
i told you i love you.
you didn't answer.
i woke up at one in the afternoon
and told her we needed to talk.
i wasn't hungover.
i went out to my friends house.
i played with the cigarettes in my pocket.
i got home and asked you out.
you said yes.
i felt
complete.