I'll keep smoking because it tastes like your lips
because the way the smoke rolls out of my mouth
just like the way you rolled the words "goodbye"
of your tongue.
Because the smoke twirls through my fingers
they way you did.
Because it leaves my hair smelling like the wind
and smoke
and rain.
And you said you always loved the smell
when we came inside
from a smoke break.
And i would lay my head on your shoulder
and you would twirl the golden strands.
Now i need a smoke break
because my heart aches
with the absence of your hands
with the absence of your smell
with the absence of your comfort.
With the absence of you.
So no i do not smoke to forget,
i smoke to remember.
And the memories are not the only thing that's killing me.
Because my lungs are turning as black as my heart.

i take showers at 2:30 in the morning,
because i believe it helps me think and
be O.K. with the fact that you can sleep without me,
and i seep into my mattress petting my cat
and watching sunlight tickle through shades.
i believe it helps me be O.K. with how
you have become my everything.
you are the cream stirred in my coffee every morning,
you are my mornings, my nights,
the dreams i have between 1 am and 7 am,
the bruises i receive from tripping over self conscious
decisions.
i believe it helps me be O.K. with
how i must keep myself occupied when you’re not around,
and i can easily run laps
around and over and around and over,
because otherwise i will feel the emptiness.
i believe it helps me be O.K.
with knowing you will eventually
leave.
and i won’t know what to do
but
sit
and take showers at 2:30
in the morning.

Pretty bare rib cage
Rabid butterflies pick
At flesh in rage.

My fire is out
The steamy shower burns
My hands they bleed
And blister red.

Stoic smile
Bloodshot eyes
Words slip past my lips as lies.

But I believe...
Oh yes the stories.
Tainted doves fly free, impurities.
You know it's a problem when all you have left is these tainted doves.