You came along as pretty as a nightmare

Some six headed beast

Spittin’ your venom of

Self fulfilling prophecy

You

Darlin’

Hid your devils inside heartbeats

And kissed like promises

Kissed like broken promises

Lied like lovers do in moments of passion

There was passion in your poetry

Sweat that sizzled like the boiling of flesh

My teeth felt like coals from the heat of your breath

And I gag reeled our sunset

To slap stick and circus music

I never felt so awkward

But you saluted the setting sun somethin’ ***** anyway

You

You nightmare

Dressed in gasps of air

And quaking eyelids

Dressed in moments of

Let me turn the lights off before I get naked

At least we are more like insects in the dark

Crawling and feeling

And biting til it tastes right

I was always afraid of what I couldn’t see

And I felt you like a nightmare

Inside the gaping wound that is the time it takes

To love yourself

So that one day

you can love somebody else

And then I awoke like a nightmare

Lungs filling slowly

Like clown head carnival balloons

And the shapeless dark

And the relief

That whatever it was

Is finally over

Inside of my throat there is this place I call church

This is how I pray

Through repetition

Of awkward self destruction

The beer in my belly

Bulging with pendulous weight

Adds momentum for fists to strike

Strike walls

Strike steering wheels

Strike faces in bouts of anger

I get lost most days

Inside of my head

And I pray

This is how I pray

On my knees

Inside of a tub

While water washes over me

The steam mixes with my sweat

And takes it away

I don’t believe in god

But I know

With all my heart

That if I did not come from something sacred

Then I could not tell you I love you

And mean it

This is how I pray

With knives in bellies

Cutting out psalms

They look like

Gnarled black tumors

Humming contently

And fade like

Lip shushed fingertips

Begging for the quiet

Listen

This is my church

And this is how I pray

You are welcome to stay

Mostly because I am not fit to judge anyone

I just want you to know

That sacred feels like skin

Draped over bone

Looking like a sad science project

And it’s the closest thing to perfect

Any of us will ever get

The foam floats in her glass lookin’ like a ***** snowflake

     Her fingerprints still in the frost


No matter what any sober person tells you

     No two lips are the same


No two dances on dimly lit dance floors

     The scuff marks scatter in so many directions


Even the music is a remix

     Of something that could have been perfect


Even if it’s the same bar over and over

     My memory the next morning is foggy


Even the warm spots on the other side of the bed

     Change shape like crop circles


If you ever stayed long enough

     To try my French toast


You’d see how the swirls look like galaxies

     And the thought of spinning might make you miss the flavor


But I know what perfect feels like

     Through so many filters


And every night now is a remix

     Of something that could have been perfect

I am too patient to hold my anger for long

But I’d hate you forever if you let me

My short fuse diffused

By your apathy

Just the other day my cat brought me a mouse

Its legs kicked trying to catch invisible ground

So it could find someplace to hide

I watched it die slowly

Because I never learned ******* anything

I think of days where I have been filled with fear

Days where the bubbles in my butterfly gut

Burst the psalms of some unrequited

Love song with the title of your name

The gentleness of your other cheek

Remind me that those are

The same days where I try to catch ground that melts beneath my feet

And I have nowhere to hide

And how I wished someone would have put me out of my misery

Put me out of my misery

There are days where

It would be easier to forget

That I ever loved you

Than tryin’ to hold on to the anger

I create

In order to forget that you don’t love me

Anymore

Today:
 I dropped a ceiling fan into the pond in my backyard and watched its blades
 slap the shadows away into the corners of the room

Until:
      The shadows flood the
      mechanism and trap the
      movement as the
      wind still moves through the
      windows, little gusts through a
      littler hoop

Gag gag and gargle
Draggin’ through the muck of
That place you said you’d never go back to
Screamin’ like a devil in the dark

The bump and grind of his *****
Bump and grind
Got you buckin’ backwards like a
Bulldog
But we both know you should’a’ never brought a dog
To a gun fight

Too late for tears darlin’
Bite lipped quivers never saved a soul
Can hear the fear in the breaks for sobs

The door to his apartment never beckoned
But you broke down the doors
Like you had something to prove
Bent you bilaterally like
The corner you backed yourself into

So perfect in your symmetry
Till you left me for him
Now you got the heart-sag
Jaw dropped
Dope fiend look

Tearing up at the sky
And the flowers
White powder pluggin up your nose holes
Can’t smell the **** on your knees now
Or the muck you got stuck in

You said I wasn’t as fun as he was
As he is
I never wanted to save you anyway
I just thought it was beautiful
The way you praised me for the things I say
And the way I say ‘em

Ya know
I got blasted backwards
By the backlash of you leaving
Kicked up so much dust in the rubble
And left me dizzy with the rumble
Of your feet fleeing the song of some ***** stomp
Headin’
Farther and farther away from safety

At least I was safe
I wasn’t bitter
Even my bite was gentle
Kind enough to remind you I still got teeth
But I won’t use ‘em

So before you leave me
Again
Take the burden
The baggage
The weight of my shoulders
The wait for the phone call sayin’ you finally
****** up and died on me
The mix tapes
The t-shirts
The memories of every moment my heart kept sayin’
“She won’t stay
But hold her for as long as she’ll let you”

Take it all
And go

we were peeing on the side of my house,
too drunk to wait for a bathroom,
laughing about something I cant remember.
(I think it was goat cheese)
and as the headlights from that **** car nearly blinded us,
you surprised me.
you held me close.
you told me you weren’t ready to lose me,
and that you loved me...not friend love, real love.
(you were slurring your words at this point,
but since i have been waiting a year to hear this,
i’ll take it)
and as tears thick with salt, relief, and regret
rolled down my cheeks,
you kissed me.


then the car honked,
and you ran toward it,
tripped,
and threw up.

god, i love you.

I didn’t mean to frighten you
When I walked towards you with part of a broken mirror in my hand
I wasn’t going to cut you
I just wanted you to see
How your smile makes me feel when I am able to make you laugh

You asked me where I was gonna be when the world ended
I said I was going to be livin’ in the woods somewhere
Making pancakes for my new forest friends
And you laughed again
I watched your lips move in the reflection of the glass

We forget how not to take things so seriously
We forget that skin
Is not synonymous with a cutting board
I don’t splinter
Not anymore

When the world ends
If you’re not in my arms
I’ll be six feet under

Remember how I want to be buried?
Naked and directly in the ground
I want you to fill my mouth with seeds
So that my body might finally grow something beautiful
Even if my soul’s not here to enjoy it

I’m done singin’ songs for heartache
I just want to watch you laugh
I promise
It’s the only way I’ll ever bring tears to your eyes

We forget how not to be so scared all the time
I can’t stop every stray arrow
Headed directly at your heart
And I don’t have a time machine to go back and fix everything

But if I did
I’d go back and meet your mom and dad
And tell them
Your daughter
She has her mother’s smile
And her father’s sense of presence
I’d say
Don’t let this one walk away from me
And then I’d ask where they were planning on being when the world ended

We forget that the future is supposed to be a mystery
I had no clue where this was headed
But before I left and while you were in the bathroom
I wrote you a poem on a bar napkin:
                                                              “I know I never really have the words
                                                                    And your lips make me nervous
                                                            And your laugh makes me want to kiss you
                                                                      So that I can feel it in my chest
                                                                           I’d recycle your laughter
                                                                                           Also
                                                                                  I really like you”