I can barely talk about you without my tongue
swelling up and my jaw clench too tight,
because no matter how much you like me
you're always going to love her.
You're apologizing for things you're never going to stop doing,
angrily saying you're sorry just because you think you should
even thought you know in time you'll be saying
the same lines over again.
You're an addiction that never leaves,
punching the glory out of my own self pride
washing the dignity away with every time
you show me what it's like to love somebody all wrong.
And no matter how much you like me,
no matter how many temptations you give into
or how many vulnerable nights you let me in
you're always going to love her.

I search for a star in your stomach sometimes,
seeing maybe the glow of it will radiate up your throat
onto your lips so I can kiss some celestial honesty
some reminder that maybe way deep down you feel for me
the way I always feel for you.
I caress your body catastrophe for some care,
feel your skin for some skipped heartbeat or uneven pulse
some gentle cue that maybe underneath it all you wouldn't want me to walk away
like I've thought about doing so many times.

It all collects to the poignant moment where I realize,
that never wanting to hurt somebody doesn't mean you won't
that believing in somebody doesn't mean they believe in themselves
and nakedly holding someone after beautiful movement intoxication
isn't love.
Finding something to cling to among the wreckage isn't some meaning,
hoping that one day maybe I'll be the one
isn't love.
It's a heavy like mixed with wanting to heal oneself with another.
It's a backwards devotion that takes shape in the awe of each other.
It's nothing worth giving life to if it's just messing with someone
you might honestly care for,
because you can't have the one you actually want.
It's buying time until the real thing comes home.
It's using someone
you might honestly care for,
because you can't stand the idea of being alone.
And it hurts, deeper than I know you ever meant it to
knowing your fake love is a lesson I never learned
and no matter how much you like me,
you're always going to love her.

it's these moments that I miss you,
when I'm sitting here and no one can seem to understand
no one looks at me the way you do
in the eyes, gentle smile, one hand in mine the other in my hair
letting me know that it was okay to fall apart
that I didn't have to be perfect
and no can seem to understand that
that I'm not perfect like I come off to be,
that I fake a good portion of the smiles I put on
and holding things in my hands is harder than it looks,
no one looks at me the way you do
and every time you do, it makes me want to be more
makes me want to try harder and fight longer
it's these moments that I miss you,
miss your voice telling me that it's all going to be okay
miss your words encouraging every phenomenal dream I have
miss your lips on my cheek when there aren't any words to make everything alright
miss your constant reassurance that this time
it wasn't going to fall apart
and I feel like I've missed my chance on you again
look I miss you
not just in these moments where I need someone to steal me away,
hide me from reality in the comfort of a chest to lay on and a hand to hold,
and whisper that no matter what happened you were never going to leave,
I miss you all the time
not just when I need you,
but when I don't need you
because no one looks at me the way you do
like I'm worth it, like I'm not insane, like it doesn't matter if I'm good enough
I miss you
and I feel like I've missed my chance on you again
I've missed my part two
and you've already taken my heart with you.

I’m easily annoyed
Some things just make me want to scream
Like why it is birds are stupid enough to fly into clear things, like windows
Why leaves seem to be the only things I like that change,
And no matter how many times they do
They always grow back the same.
Some things just amaze me
Like how many things a hand can hold
Or the way people can mask themselves like criminals
Just stealing the honesty right out of every moment,
The way truth is robbed without even speaking.
Some things just make me want to hurl
Like why it is people’s minds are so **** *****
And why it is we find it so **** funny.
Why it is we cuss for emphasis, we hit for impact,
And we love openly for fear of being lonely.
Some things just **** me
Like you
And your big dumb smile,
Your big dumb hands
Or your big dumb heart
They **** me because I want them
To have everything to do with me
Like hold me in a way my body isn’t used to
Or kiss me in a way my lips have never felt
Some things just confuse me,
Like why it is on this earth everything *****
But you
Everything annoys me,
But you
and the only thing I want
Is you.

I want to blow your mind

kissing you just because you're cute

and just because I want to.

I want to shock you

with the heat in my hands

that warm your cold arms

because it's after midnight

and you've just got a white t-shirt on

drinking stuff

even though it's too strong.

I want to knock the wind out of you,

take your breath away,

with the simple way I look at you.

I want you to push me down

just so you can catch me right before I fall,

and I know what they say about you

that you're flimsy and don't have any real feelings

other the one's you feel in your pants,

but I want to hold you because  I shouldn't

I want to kiss you because I can't

I want to be with you

because I know I never could be.

Some nights
it's hard to sleep
when your memories
are lying next to me
shaped like an outer mold
that holds me like you used to
Some nights
it's hard to sleep
when I'm crumbling
at the ends of all your skeletons
haunting the emptiness
of this bed
Some nights
it's hard to sleep
when your lovers mark
is still stained on the sheets
Some nights
it's hard to sleep
when your memories
are lying next to me
shaped like an outer mold
that holds me like you used to

However long
whatever went wrong
I didn't mean it,
it was just a little mistake
and I mean
I know I'm fickle
I like rushing into things
and my hearts too big for my hands
but it's only because I believe life is a bomb
and we'll all just waiting to explode.
Maybe I'm too emotional
I'm too honest
and I say things at the wrong time
but it's only because I'm afraid of missing the chances
I have to speak.
However long,
whatever went wrong
I didn't mean it,
it was just a little mistake
and I mean
I know I'm not perfect
I like fixing people up
and my judgment is probably a little skewed
but it's only because I believe in finding little beauties
in the oddest of things.
Maybe I like you too much
I'm trying too hard
and I should have just let it go
but I only held on because I know
whatever went wrong
with you is where I belong.