For as long as I have loved you,
You could have walked around the world
       Barefoot and breathing
       Tracing every vein and skin lap on your
       Topographical map of a body
       That swings me in and out like a doorway
       Contemplating whether to keep it shut
       Or leave it open
       With an invitation that smells
       Like smoke and car oil
       Enticing the senses in my brain
       That’s been tampered with your deceiving smiles
       And touches of misconception
       Conveying everything you never really wanted
       Anyone in the world to know
       Every secret
       You tried to keep hidden in the forest of your heart
       Like blue jewel or golden locket
       You threw into the ocean to collect
       With the rest of the mistakes you make
       That you like to discard of into an abyss,
               Sometimes into my abyss when you feel like sharing
       Until all the little monsters swim back up to the surface,
       And you’re reminded of your imperfections
       Every chip in your complexion
       Like a carving in the trunks of the trees
       You use to conceal your appearance
       So no one else can know
       That deep down you’re just a little bit sentimental
       A little bit shy and accidental
       With the way you travel
       Like a vagabond with no discretion,
       But you were beautiful.
       You are oh so beautiful.
At least two hundred and seven times.

For as long as I have loved you,
You could have at least given some thought
Some sort of small consideration
To figure out how you could love me back.
       How you could love me back.

"How've you been?"
You said like we were done.
Like I was finished.
The words stung like someone
was pouring salt in all my cuts.
It wasn't the question itself.
In fact it was quite compassionate of you
to ask of my current state.
If I was making it,
if I was okay.
It was that you had to use
the past tense, not the present.
Not a simple, "How are you?"
But a question you hadn't asked in a while,
something you didn't already know the answer to.
"How've you been?"
How have I been.
Have.
More or less the inquiry was toxic
asking me plainly
how I was doing without you...

Well truth is
I am barely holding myself together.
I can't go a day
a moment
a second
where I don't think about you.
And just when I get a minute
where you're less apparent in my mind,
something happens
and I think of you
all over again.
I fall apart every night
when it's cold
and I have no one to hold
me.
I breakdown and reluctantly weep
over pictures of you
of the past, not the present.
Not a simple, "Now"
but a then.
Back when
we were fixable.
I'm not okay.
I haven't been doing alright
without you.

..."I'm alright,
How are you?

You
arduous, unreliable
tripping, stumbling, slipping
improvident, reckless, trying, fighting
loving, wanting, wishing
easy, constant
Me

You picked me up
in your broken down
Cherokee truck.
Drove through the night
with me sleeping
in the seat at your side.
You paid for a room
with your paycheck
and change from the cup holder.
Woke me up,
fiddled with the key
in the cold air and dim light
of the hotel's fickle lock.
Walked me inside,
closed the curtains,
all the blinds.
Picked me up,
laid me down on the bed,
and kissed me slowly.
Not even giving me a moment
to comprehend.
Pushed my hair
out of my face
with your hands
that smelled like dirt and mulch.
Laughing at how soft
my skin was,
******* up the sweetness
in between my teeth.
Softly you drew away
the straps of my dress,
and tore off
your beaten work shirt,
blowing your breath
on my neck.
Pulled me up
with the back of your wrist
pressing me closely
against you.
You tugged the string
from the single light bulb
that lit up our room,
and clicked it off
So we could make love
in the darkness.

And I'll savor
every second.
Because come morning
you won't remember me.
You won't want
to remember this.
How you broke down,
needed me.
And I,
I won't want to remember
that sometimes
I break down,
and need you too.

Sloppy

slurring speech

fire burning

dropping bottles at your feet.

Catching glimpses behind glassy eyes
spilling, slipping
passing out beneath the skies.
Dancing on the table tops
acid leaking words from your tongue
screaming out songs at the top of your lungs.
Stumbling, sliding
blacking out in the dead of night
escaping the reality
poison dripping, losing sight.

I remember what you said to me,
shouting phrases, spitting words
pointing me out in the crowd
a villain just blaming her victims
trying so hard, unable to fix 'em.

I remember how you looked at me,
something you wanted but couldn't have
Praying for a rise out of me,
unsure of your special demise
twisting feelings with your eyes.

I remember crying in the backseat
curled up, head laying outside the door
just trying to figure out
how to get closer to the floor.

I remember how you destroyed
every picture I had of you,
set them up to burn
with the way you played your game,
night and day
your face even seemed to change
drunken with the addiction
that you could finally get away
from everything you didn't know
how to deal with, that wasn't okay.

I remember thinking
that this isn't the same boy
that rubbed my back
combed my hair,
wrapped his arms around me
pressed his lips against mine, so bare.

Sloppy

slurring speech

fire burning

dropping bottles at your feet

I remember it all,
I'll always remember this you I hated I knew
and you'll never know
you'll never remember
any of the mistakes you made
any of the hearts you break
any of the colors you fade.