let me apologize in advance for the way my hatred burns and pillages every civilization in its wake.

it appears that the shell of the broken, mangled old-me has escaped her cage after being exiled for what seemed like eternity;
she's back to lick my wounds and heal my imperfections once again.

for two years i managed to function as a real person.
the naive little girl i am, i found sunshine in the warmth of your gaze,
i allowed your blinding rays of hope to dry every drop of rain that leaked from my soul-
you truly were This Little Light of Mine.

and then your lips selfishly decided they needed hers.
your most sacred monument developed an insatiable ache for her tongue.

less than 48 hours after i gave myself to you for the first time,
you ripped me to pieces as if i were nothing more than a failed attempt at a poem expressing anything other than loss,
or the paper heart your first lover gave you on Cupid's birthday.

i've been hungry my whole life, and though our fairy-tale may have disappeared in the blink of an eye, the entirety of the infatuation fed more dying fragments than i'd ever realized i was composed of.

i'm writing you this letter so you'll know that when i say i'm scared of losing you it's not because i don't trust you, i don't trust me. i seem to lose everything important to me, god cursed me with bad timing. i've been especially prone to crying lately, i swear i'm not crazy. you must understand, i always get ****** over. i always get hurt. i always get left behind. i can make as many pretty metaphors as i want, the truth is you make me feel something i don't have words for. i'll dance around it until i discover what it is, but you keep the storm clouds in my mind at bay; i am plagued with an ever-present numbness, but with you all my nerves are on high alert. it's quite peculiar, i've been touched by so many boys and i thought maybe *** just wasn't enjoyable for me. Noah my skin has been pulsing with life since the first time your hand skimmed my leg. i keep thinking i'll get used to all the air escaping my lungs whenever your lips graze mine, but your touch only seems to affect me more. maybe i am crazy- for falling too fast. but i think someone would have to be insane to be immune to the virus that is you. i'm sick and if i die at your hands, i'm okay with that. i would be honored to have my heart broken by you.

when someone thanks me for writing the things they wish they could say out loud I apologize for hours until they stop wishing and ask me why. I usually tell them the same thing
"do you know when you're driving alone and that one song comes on, you know that one. that one song with a million different memories dripping off the tongue of that one man who sings like he never got on that airplane and so he didn't not make it back to the ground? and you're thinking about crashing and when you're thinking about crashing you almost do crash, because you were distracted about crashing and you get scared and realize that you just want to not want to crash? well that's how I feel all the time. Even when I'm completely still. Or when you're in the bath and you see faces in the ceiling and you wonder if the faces you're seeing are significant? like maybe you're seeing their face because they never meant to hurt you or maybe you took an extra 20 milligrams today and you're just a little out of sorts."
I'm not done explaining why I'm sorry, but this is usually around the time they interrupt, all "no, I apologize" all "I shouldn't have asked"

I wanted to give you my everything but I realized that I don't owe you that
I think that if you really loved me you'd be happy with me giving you nothing
Nothing tangible

But even so, I'd give you my heart if I could
I'd literally rip it out with my bare hands and give it to you
but my hands wouldn't work without my heart and I know you wouldn't take it on your own

I'd give you the sun, take it out of the sky and put a big ribbon on it
if it's absence wouldn't leave the world and everyone in it cold and lifeless
And maybe even then I still would

I'd give you the very breath out of my lungs as long as you used it to sigh

You told me you loved it when I sighed
I sighed when you told me you loved me
I guess this is a sort of paradox

I think the whole love thing is a sort of paradox
The only way out I know is out of your front door
because you pushed me towards it so many times

But I got lost in your lips
when I was trying to tell you everything
until I realized that I don't owe you that

they're saying "all you do is drink and cry", "I think you're bad for everyone" and you're not saying anything and I'm saying I love you,
I ******* love you
And maybe I needed something to bring me back to reality maybe these bathtubs are always a little too deep for me but I fit so perfectly in small spaces because I learned when I was 14 that i was never gonna grow into a butterfly
but my aunt still calls me hers and I'd still flutter my eyelashes on yours while the earth turned to ash because I like things ending so softly
and you are a ******* miracle if I've ever seen one I want to sleep with you so badly, on a trampoline in the summer and I want to watch you do bad things and smile so sweetly at you and you'll know that I don't give a **** what you do as long as you're still loving me while you're doing it because baby we've got this one life and I've been loving you as long as I have known what love is and I know it's in the way you whisper and I know it's in the way you say you're my world and if the world stopped turning tomorrow we'd be the only things still moving with excitement you make me so nervous and calm and nervous and calm and deep breath you make me nervous I bet you'll make me nervous when we're older and I'm making you pancakes and I feel your eyes on me and I burn my fingers but you always kiss them better baby
you're an alleyway and the kitten that sleeps there
you're the rain on the windowpane and the water breaking the levee
I'm drowning in everything I have ever said to you so if I say one last thing one last thing,
while you're not saying anything,
I love you,
I ******* love you

my pianos a deaf mute
doesn't care when I smash the keys
I tell it anyways, listen here, you miracle, you conversation piece, I'm going to play you without plugging you in because 1) who makes electronic pianos and 2) I can hear the sounds in my head, just like old times old times old times
I map out a Beatles song I hate because I really just want you to hold my hand
I never take my foot off the soft pedal because it should always be gentle and I should always be gentle to you and God knows you're the only one listening so listen here and listen close
i know im not really alone because we are attached by the red string of fate or friendship or car crash and I know this because you're the only one I can say these things to without getting myself committed
if you want me I'll be in the bar buying you drinks you'll never be thirsty enough to let touch your tongue and what is all of this shaking for
who first felt this feeling and said **** I'm in love or **** I Might be dying because my chest kind of feels like the monkey bars after rain we all fall off of because we're too ******* stubborn to wait a while
what is it about instant gratification that has everyone around me filling up their gas tanks because "it's not gonna get this low again for a long time" and how I wish I could say the same for myself or
how I wish I could say the same for you
I don't know if this poem is a piano or if this poem is you or if this poem is drunk and wanting to call someone who will pick up or listen or want to
But
I once said to someone "I think I really need to talk about this" and I shouldn't have been surprised when I was handed a hotline but maybe you have always been answering the phone "tell me where it hurts, and then tell me again"