To not be kissed
To not be held
To not be needed
To never be anyone’s everything
I am my own nothing and that’s all

That’s it

The end

Okay

One arm draped over his shoulders
Hair between my fingers
Another hand tugging his shirt lightly
Holding my breath
One hand running through my hair softly
The other pressing on my lower back pulling me closer
My cheek buried into the skin of his neck
My lips on his collarbone
His breath brushing against my ear

Keep me there
Let it last
I’m desperate
Please

If I asked you
In the right place
At the right time

Would you hold me again

I’m in love
With a fictional character
The depth he displays
The undying willingness to love despite flaws
The actions always backing up his desire to bring her happiness
The hidden things he did and the fulfilling of her wishes
It floors me, every time, without fail
I desperately want to be loved that way
And I would cheerfully reciprocate in full

I would do anything for someone to say
That they care what happens to me and that they’ll stay close beside me
I would do anything for someone to say to me
That they’ll love me despite my flaws and that they won’t leave, not ever

I love Cyrano, despite his love of his pride.
I would die happy if I had those precious few minutes of reciprocated love, just once in my life.

Change
Transitioning
Shifting
Metamorphosis
Morphing
Morphing
Mor­ph
Into something..else
To be different..to be better
To be something bigger than myself
It’s at my fingertips
On the tip of my tongue
The top of my priorities
It’s the often unspoken reality of humanity
To have this intense visceral desire
Placed there by God

I’m fully aware of my purpose now
To bring glory to God, to honor him, to love him, wholly and completely
And there’s an intense desire for it
And so many roadblocks
Often built by yours truly

The discouragement is so very real.
The fear is real.
The impossibility of it is real.

So if I cannot bring you glory through my choices in my helpless state
Please do it for me

Because I can’t do it
But I know you can

Being wanted
Desired without knowing it
The depth of emotion in it
I want a Cyrano..a Duckie.
The inner workings
Of a man crumbling to pieces
At the sight of a woman he loves

That’s that **** about which I am talking.

I want to be wanted. Including my flaws.
More than words can say.
I wish I could see it in his eyes.

Kiss his face like Amélie
Need him like Nia
Devote my heart and soul to him
…like Ranita


It never was

And it never will be

Enough

It's never going to happen for me
The brokeness runs too deep
The trauma is way too much to work through
These pieces are the foundations I built myself on
And I've crumbled and I can't rebuild
And I don't want to