Depression is such an ugly thing
I feel it oozing out my ears
Fleeing is nigh to impossible
But my only opportunity is here

Run run run run run
Towards the destiny I see for me
Run run run run run
Leave the place I've lived in for so long

Home is such a lovely word
But it isn't a singular place
It's where I feel that I'm in love
With the only embrace I'll ever need

No amount of words can describe what I feel.
I loved him so much and now he's gone.
He took his life and left us all confused.
We are all depressed and broken now.
Struggling to pick up the pieces of his life.
He wrote everything down, in journals, notepads.
He once wrote that he wanted to give me his bible.
So it's mine now..and I haven't touched it.
I was stronger when it first happened.
I was the one who cried the least out of everyone.
I was the one who listened to his recorder.
5 hours of slurred speech and pain.
Now I can't even touch the recorder out of fear.
Fear that hearing his voice will break me again.
I just wish that he laughed more.
Or rather, I just wish I listened....

Maybe I'm just missing my home..
But I really feel like I'm searching,
For something I once knew well.
I hide my face in my hands too often,
Hoping for someone to tear me out
Of this hell I put myself in.
I would cry again, but whats the use?
Puffy eyes make me uglier.
Opinions of what to do with myself
Come out of everyone's mouth,
Screaming loudly for all to hear.
My thoughts are silent
Wishing for some life to spark in me.
Artistically speaking, my life is dull.
It used to flourish like the wilderness.
You haven't disappointed me.
I have disappointed myself deeply
Simply because I wait and wait.
I would run but where would I go?
Does it really matter what I think?
Sitting in one spot doesn't help.
So I'll sit in a field of wildflowers
Taking a simple step for myself
Where maybe I'll start to see.

I am caged in.
But I guess that's my fault.
I guess I put myself there.
I'm stuck now.
I'm caged in.
Nothing makes me feel.
My eyes are lifeless.
The fire in me has burned out.
Stifled by lack of oxygen.
So what to do now?
Live on caged in?

I still have too long a life ahead
To get rid of these feelings, right?
I want to try doing over
The things I've left undone.
I thought I was running after
Something carried over from my dreams.
Yet I'm stumbling into people
On this narrow, winding road.
It's not like I want to go back
To the way things were back then.
I'm just searching for the sky
I've been losing.
Here's hoping you'll understand.
Stop making that sad face
As though you were a victim.
Sins don't end with tears
You have to carry the pain forever.
Who am I waiting for, in this maze of emotions
With no way out in sight?
I want to purge myself more simply
As if writing in a blank notebook.
What is it I want to escape from..
...Is it reality?
It makes me want to scream that we're alive
For things to come true.
Can you hear me?
I can't put up with playing it safe.
I've got nowhere to go home to.
I'm always grateful for kindness
That's why I want to grow stronger.
(I'm on my way)
I even welcome this pain
For the things I miss.

Few will know these things and fewer still will understand what this is to me in this moment of tonight.
But I really don't care because what I feel right now is real and I haven't felt the feeling of real in a while.
Today is my birthday. I'm older now. Wiser? Maybe, maybe not. I definitely went through enough when I was 18.
Now is my time to learn from it. And I'm kicking it off with a night of listening to an album I have abandoned.
Age of Adz. By Sufjan Stevens. And it's different now I think, I wasn't older yet, I wasn't wise I guess.
I want so much to be at rest. And I will fall asleep to an old friend singing of futile devices, getting real, getting right, and dear impossible souls.
And I will cry at the memories but relate it with new. Because today is a day of transition.
Because I want to be well. And I'm not ******* around.