Stomach churning as I'm filled with uncertainty,
the black ball in my chest pumps out nothing but anxiety.
I hate that you are so far from me.
But what can I do or say to make everything ok?
Nothing but walk down the street like everything’s fine,
when deep down I’m raging inside.
The time spent goes by and I keep telling myself don’t cry.
When the memories are buried in the sand,
and you are no longer holding my hand,
I will shut my eyes real tight
and let my mind take flight.
Releasing all the taped up wounds,
saying that you came and went too soon.
Give me the stern nod and angry shove one last time,
give me one more kiss and a final "your mine".
We’re animals locked away
slowly and steadily losing our faith,
with only a few trips to the liquor store on eighth.
With loud tambourines and pretty pink scarves,
I’ll drink and **** to hide these scars.
No more is the hobo fabulous look golden
because our potential and chance has been stolen .
All because a girl caught the green eyed monster inside of her
so those around us concur,
that we're too ****** up to be eggs and cats,
When as a matter of fact…we know better than that.
With fingers in places where they shouldn’t be,
underneath blankets so nobody can see,
what we do during mornings at the park
and we're kissing underneath the arch
and I smile as we dance in the dark.
Loud sounds erupting from the TV and
comparing special videos to you and me.
Yummy cold cut sandwiches and sober ***...
we didn't know what was to come next.
We never drove to Harlem for a hug
but we tried our best to show each other love.
Running away from "hospital bound trains"
we can see and hear from miles away.
The sirens come closer...
You say "u got 5 minutes or its over".
Quickly get dressed and get out.
Leaving today is not what this was about.
Birthday ***** sips ...I always loved your beer flavored lips.
You weren’t there for guacamole dip,
but I’m glad because u would have gotten sick.
Nametags and tears,
unable to sleep because of murderous fears.
Late night walks to Houston Street with 50 million bags,
You looking like a turtle sitting by that garbage can,
and a free bottle of whiskey because of the Spanish speaker in me.
Pimps and lesbians watching my hands
as they make there was into your pants.
Yelling grandmothers and pregnant *******,
I think I would have needed stitches that day
but you put yourself in the way.
Free mozzarella sticks and putting up with cops and their *******.
You may have made me chip my tooth *******,
but you were still one of my best lovers.
Kids running into glass windows thinking they are tunnels
to arguing about how much beer we can funnel.
Both wanted trailers growing up but now we're too busy throwing up….
"4 loko crazy" mornings and me drinking too much despite your warnings.
Emergency room visits of heartbreak and torture…
Let’s get the **** out of here..."we don’t need to be sober"…
Angry sisters at the park and you telling me to go home...
but I just couldn’t leave u all alone.
The apparent "Sid and Nancy" of 2010 is falling apart
we can no longer pretend.
If you want it back fight fierce and loud,
I’ve never given up I’m just waiting around.
The nights of ***** and **** will remain forever intact…
including all the nights you fought and had my back.
We've made plans to go here and there but never get to,
it’s not really fair..
but it’ll be alright
and maybe one day we’ll ride a magic carpet,
into the infamous supermarket,
and u won’t try stealing 8 four lokos…
that would turn us into psychos.
Watching the sunrise sipping a 40,
in preparation of being lonely while I go eat brunch with my mom
only to come back and everything’s wrong.
Peace necklaces and stolen first time flowers.
Laughing at jokes in my own shower.
Making my closet your room but we spoke too soon.
Light up starfish and darkened anguish.
I can’t believe we did all this ****.
There's a pile of your clothes on my floor,
remember the funny hat and purple bathrobe outside my door?
And the running
and the laughing
and the playing
and the fighting
and the screaming
and the crying
and the love
and the hugs
and the kisses
and refrigerator/bathtub
and the time you were at McDonalds when u got lonely and came to find me with all the bags.
I stopped rhyming but I don’t give a ****.
Don’t try to understand me...just love me...is what u wrote.
And I did that’s why you’re getting this note.
In time we've gone thru hell and back.
We've made memories that will last.
Just please don’t leave so fast...
I don’t want a guy like you in my past...

There are things in this world
We simply can’t have.
The times we thought were forever,
Normally do not last.
Friendships become broken and sealed,
Close your eyes and pretend,
“It’s not real”.
The anxious, lonely feeling made
Bearable by barely toxic liquids,
Controls the body and mind.  
Wishing you didn’t have to say goodbye
And it could be like old times.
Thinking about it wants to make me cry,
But my tears will soon dry,
Because our friendship was so different long ago,
And I never expected this, Chlo.
But I won’t judge or tell you to say no,
Because we’ve in a sense gone our separate ways.
And it hurts me to know that what I say,
Won’t mean much anyway.
But you’ll always be my Mia buddy,
And partner in crime of New Orleans.
I’ll always remember the boys, the drugs, and the ***,
The sad phone calls about death,
My mother’s violent threats,
It’s all stuck in my head.
When I see you as the girl I used to know,
I close my eyes tightly,
Shake my head no,
Shove the past memories far away in the back of my head,
And pretend,
I’m communicating with the dead.
You and I shared times,
I’ll always love and cherish.
And I know you’re trying to bring her back.
I see it when you talk sometimes.
We’re very different,
You and I.
But in a sense, so alike.
We fight off demons,
In different ways.
You with your white powder of dreams,
Me with empty canteens.
You are and always will be my childhood best friend.
And I left because looking at it happening,
WAS UNBEARABLE.
Much worse than that anxious, lonely feeling.
It’s okay though,
I’ll love you forever,
All I have to do is,
Close my eyes and pretend,
“It’s not real”.

Taken aback,
Quick breath in,
Heart beats fast,
Eyes widen slightly.
Laying in the grass,
Dancing beneath the stars,
Endless laughter,
And the pinch of pain.
Fingers tightly intertwined,
Candles burning forever,
With broken smiles and hearts,
Now healed and bandaged.
Drenched in Happiness,
Dry with angst,
Trouble starts here,
Let it all begin.
Feelings set in,
Sending your stomach into a panic,
You feel the pain…
Everywhere.
You kick and scream,
Trying to fight it off,
The bites and scratches,
Slowly turn to blackness.
Burns and ******,
Start to consume you,
The breath stays slow,
Heart races as tears come,
Eyes close,
As they roll down your cheeks.
Sitting up and holding your knees,
Endless running,
And there’s the end of pain.
Cigarette intertwined
Between the fingers,
With not enough light,
To guide the paralyzed survivor,
Soaked in sadness,
Dry with angst,
Thrown forward,
Completely alone.

I've danced with the devil
Spoken to him in tongue,
Fought him and won.
But he rose again
Threw me down and held me
Arms pinned above my head
Legs risen onto his shoulders.
He slowly pressed himself into me
Touched my lips
with the slightest touch of his
Gave me his disease
I have the devil in me.

He whispered to me,
"You want it Young One,
Yet you cannot have it…"
I clenched and bent my back.
The Devil still had me in his grasp.

He touched me.
I felt the shiver engulf me,
The touch of sin,
The touch of pain.

Hands fought with each other
As he tried to make his way
Into my most precious,
Most precious…private secrets.
I refused to let him.
I tried to stop him.
But he is gifted at this cruel game,
He enjoys so much to play.

He danced with me,
In a trance of spins and dips,
I fall all over again.
His powers are wondrous,
My power is weak.

For I am just a helpless child
This beast wants to draw in
One that it can intertwine with itself
And destroy
bit by bit.

Secrets shared and lies told,
Honesty surrounds us...
My words were bold.
"I love you"
The devil was silent.

He knew all along…

The path he has driven me on
Has led me into insanity

Hold me Satan
Please me Satan
Satan...
Tell me you love me.
Wrap me in your arms
and kiss me.

Hold my hand and whisper to me
That you were once small and weak,
That I remind you of yourself

You felt that pain,
You have those scars,
Yet you stopped...
Satan, you miss it don't you?

He is the devil in disguise.
He is beautiful to the eye,
Yet to the human soul
He is torturous.
Devours you…
Leaving you frozen and stuck.

What to do now my dear devil?
Come with me.
Massage my sore limbs.
Touch me everywhere
As I lay here wearing nothing but my underwear.
I feel your breath by my ear
As you tell me
Goodnight stories
About a brave knight who loves his ale

Sing me that Spanish lullaby.
"Mujer,"
You speak my language.
You know my tongue.
As I do yours.

Play that role of the hero,
Take me away
Down into the loud subways
Tell me I am yours.
Tell me I am beautiful.
I'm a fool for you
And a fool for lust.

Satan dear Satan...
Release me from your dungeons
They are tearing me apart.
The pain you left behind
Has instilled in me now.
You say your smile is fake...
My tears are not.
My kingdom is a place of bliss.
Your kingdom is a place of tragedy.

Satan dear Satan...
Take me away.
May your devilish Charm,
Allow us to fly away.
We will dream of happiness
Wake up next to each other
And look at what we've become.

Satan
You are my Savior.
In the name of
the Devil,
Il Diavolo,
y el Diablo...
Amen.

Watching the kids scream and play
Finding it impossible to find something to say.
She lays in bed wasting away...
Hoping to find light in a new day...
Saying she knows everyone will pay.

For what she’s become scares me,
As I am sure it’s obvious to see,
That she is not as strong as she pretends to be.

She sits there asking help from trees,
But all they do is shake their leaves,
And say “Move on and ask the bees,
Beware they sting and cause much hurt,
Her sad eyes tell them that’s absurd.

“But it's what you've always wanted....is it not?
To play with fire until it gets too hot?”
She slowly walks away,
Goes to the beehive and there I lay,
They peek out and ask us why we’re there,
I suddenly scream and yank at my hair,
Help me I’m scared is all I can say...
They laugh and buzz "Come back in May".

I sit up and cry like never before,
Until every part of my body is sore,
Then I stand up and cry some more,
Before I know it I'm running to a door.
I open it and there's no floor....

I realize it’s a long way down
And for a second I still wear my frown,
Then I realized what I had found.

I clutch in my hand a rose and a key,
She appears to be standing next to me,
Then suddenly jumps into eternity,
Not allowing me to kiss her gently.
The silver rose glows...she sees it...she grabs it...she knows....

She looks up and smiles at me,
Seeing it fills me with glee,
As I give a last look to the trees and the bees.

I close my eyes and jump...landing with a loud thump.

She offers me a hand,
So I can properly stand.
And hands me a black rose,
With a light kiss on the nose.

"How long have you been here?
I was filled with fear..."

"It does not matter now...
Just keep quiet and listen to the sound."
The strum of guitars fill my ears,
So beautiful it fills my eyes with tears,
She wipes them away,
And tells me it’s all OK.

I turn around to find,
Another door of some kind,
She opens it wide,
And pulls me to her side,

She smiles at me again...
I melt within.....

We laugh and bend our knees,
We jump and realize……..we're free.