it comes in intervals of quiet and sad things
in the eyes
and the mouth
in the jokes we use to make light
of the dark
and I use
and you let me
and we sit in circles of shame
and redemption
we are the same
Blurred together
lost among the intervals

I carefully cut it out

with surgeon like hands

I lay it on the table

I cut it open

My red beating heart

one smooth,fine slit

I watched it bleed

It’s colors were strange

pastels

pinks and oranges, like a shiny bright sunset

spilling out onto the table

my poor sad sun was sinking

And suddenly my surgeon hands turned to jelly

I could  not save it

my poor red beating sunset

bleeding out onto the cold hard service of the table

was dying, and i it’s killer

could not move for I too

now stand there dying

sinking like the sun

into sweet silent darkness

I will drink for the courage of understanding

I will drink to blanket the bruises on my bones

i will drink to justify this need for you

and for him

I will drink so that my words make sense

And when I have finished

I will forget the drunken mishaps of my soul

It was only a small thing

trivial,almost non existent

it had a small voice , not a whisper

but you had to squint to hear it

it was a lonely thing,

hiding behind trees and under rocks

you  knew it was there,

you always knew

but you were to busy to care for it

and pretty soon you forgot it existed all together

and when it died, of it’s neglect

nothing changed for you.

your emptiness merely began to make sense.

am I vulnerable because I miss you?

or because I say out loud that I miss you?

or because I say out loud to you that I miss you?

Yes there, there it is that vulnerability  of truth

Some nights I am nothing but truth

disgusting absolute truth

I miss you

I miss your lips

Your hands

Your eyes

I miss your skin

I miss your attitude

I am dying here this winter night

missing you

vulnerable

yes there it is

my truth

**** all the rest

I know  nothing of life except that I am in it

here looking at faces I don’t care for

drinking this *** that makes me feel alive or dead

is there a difference?

I live and breath all things

I want what doesn’t want me

I detest those who do

I deserve the **** that happens to me

nothing happens to anyone

we live it that is all

there i no excuse for excuses

you will learn it soon enough

It is still in these bones of mine
It is quiet now
You remain in the places in my body that no one can touch
You belong to me there as I know you cannot belong to me any place else
I keep you in the silence of these tired bones
I keep you there under the skin and muscle
I keep you there
There was no other way

You can't help it can you?
You still remember it
miss it
You don't have to admit it to me
I already know
The other is now the one they all know about
and accept
and I have fallen to the shadows of your life
and you too are in the dark parts of mine
but we need the dark parts to hide in sometimes
I'll let you hide in mine
If I can hide in yours

Be quiet now
and just a little still
you can just be
and I will too
our burdens are lifted
just for a little while
just for now
You can be a you
and I can be a me
A we
quiet now
And just a little still
our defeats are no ones knowledge but our own
I’ll hold yours
You’ll hold mine
Our hearts
quiet now
and just a little still

I hardly ever see people
I see people trying to be people
but they fail
hollow faces smile at other hollow faces
broken hands shaking broken hands
no cast to fix them,not hands as broken as these
people use one another and they call it love
I call it delusion
Love did not get us here
no my friend
it was merely the delusion that we cared
that put anger in my heart
and guilt in yours
if we truly cared
you would not have lied
and I would not have been so cruel
you were not real
and neither was I
we were existing around one another
but not with
we
were
deluded
but so are they, them ,all
and I pray for something real

we cried that night didn’t we?
those silent tears that no one sees
that we wouldn’t let each other see
but both of us knew the others tears
the others pain
we waited on the deserted streets
the deserted streets of trust and hope and love
we waited there together
and not together
softly
silently
bawling
I wanted to reach out for you
I wanted to tell you that you weren’t alone
with your loneliness
I wanted to tell you that I too am alone
in love
But I
did not
would not
could not
do it
I  was afraid of you
of your loneliness
And you
you were afraid of mine
and so we stood there on those deserted streets
of trust and hope and love
together
not together
softly
silently
grieving

we pretend it doesn’t exist because
we fear to look at it
to say it’s name out loud in the daylight
would be too much
instead we whisper it on dark and foggy nights
so that no one will see us or hear us
so that no one will know our secret
so that no one will see our broken hearts
we pretend it doesn’t exist because
it does exist
and we can’t imagine how it ever came to be this way
we didn’t know how ugly it would be
how it would change us
how it would invade us
how it would devour us
we pretend it doesn’t exist because
we know it exists inside of us
it is only on those dark and foggy nights
that we whisper it
that we accept it
that we become it
The daylight is too much to bear

If there was beauty in it
I’ve missed it somehow
If there was purpose in it
it is lost on me
It was just a thing that happened
it was sad
it was painful
it was real
but it was not beautiful
to call it that
would be vile
an untruth
do not give beauty to this
it makes me ill

there seemed to be a silence
in your voice
talking
and not talking
all at once in that bitter moonlight
that we thought beautiful
too beautiful to betray
and yet there we stood
with torn clothes
and broken hearts
drenched in that pitiful moonlight
talking and not talking
I loathed you for it
and you knew
but there was no help for it
and I knew
that the taste of warm beer in a room with one lamp
would be better than this

the *** ran through me
and it was good
it was strong
burning in my chest
warm
kind
honest
to the point of regretful memories
i need them
and so do you