it comes in intervals of quiet and sad things
in the eyes
and the mouth
in the jokes we use to make light
of the dark
and I use
and you let me
and we sit in circles of shame
and redemption
we are the same
Blurred together
lost among the intervals

I carefully cut it out

with surgeon like hands

I lay it on the table

I cut it open

My red beating heart

one smooth,fine slit

I watched it bleed

It’s colors were strange

pastels

pinks and oranges, like a shiny bright sunset

spilling out onto the table

my poor sad sun was sinking

And suddenly my surgeon hands turned to jelly

I could  not save it

my poor red beating sunset

bleeding out onto the cold hard service of the table

was dying, and i it’s killer

could not move for I too

now stand there dying

sinking like the sun

into sweet silent darkness

I will drink for the courage of understanding

I will drink to blanket the bruises on my bones

i will drink to justify this need for you

and for him

I will drink so that my words make sense

And when I have finished

I will forget the drunken mishaps of my soul

It was only a small thing

trivial,almost non existent

it had a small voice , not a whisper

but you had to squint to hear it

it was a lonely thing,

hiding behind trees and under rocks

you  knew it was there,

you always knew

but you were to busy to care for it

and pretty soon you forgot it existed all together

and when it died, of it’s neglect

nothing changed for you.

your emptiness merely began to make sense.

am I vulnerable because I miss you?

or because I say out loud that I miss you?

or because I say out loud to you that I miss you?

Yes there, there it is that vulnerability  of truth

Some nights I am nothing but truth

disgusting absolute truth

I miss you

I miss your lips

Your hands

Your eyes

I miss your skin

I miss your attitude

I am dying here this winter night

missing you

vulnerable

yes there it is

my truth

**** all the rest

I know  nothing of life except that I am in it

here looking at faces I don’t care for

drinking this *** that makes me feel alive or dead

is there a difference?

I live and breath all things

I want what doesn’t want me

I detest those who do

I deserve the **** that happens to me

nothing happens to anyone

we live it that is all

there i no excuse for excuses

you will learn it soon enough

It is still in these bones of mine
It is quiet now
You remain in the places in my body that no one can touch
You belong to me there as I know you cannot belong to me any place else
I keep you in the silence of these tired bones
I keep you there under the skin and muscle
I keep you there
There was no other way