When I came to visit you
You were still writing in that notebook
And when you looked up
A hopeful gaze, a trusting embrace
I sat down beside you
It almost hurt to do so
We hadn't talked in so long
But you were always busy with your new theories
Always figuring something out
You continued to scribble on
As if I wasn't there
But then stopped abruptly
You twisted the pen this way and that
Before you pointed at my hand over and over again
I looked down at the band that encircled my finger
You should have known I would've moved on
I could see the questions swirling in that mind of yours
So I told you the story
We met my first year of college
He was Mr. Nice
The kind of guy who still had manners
Who opened the door for a woman
He was smart and sweet and there
He focused on what was important
It was our junior year when he asked me to marry him
I told him yes
I would marry him
I noticed at this point you went back to writing
You had tuned me out
I came all this way to visit you
And you couldn't stop writing for a minute
So I grabbed your pen and threw it somewhere far away
I grasped your arm and told you to listen to what I had to say
Your blues eyes stared wide-eyed into mine
I sighed, knowing you were upset
I would probably regret that
But I wanted you to listen
Because you never do
I told him yes
Do you not get that
I told him yes
Yes, yes, do you not understand
What that means?
You turned and looked at me with such anger
And for a moment I was glad
You felt something inside come alive
Something you couldn't quite explain
A formula that didn't exist in that pen and pad
Yeah, I understand perfectly
You said
No, you don’t
You looked away
And threw your pad to the side
As you drew your hands together, clenched and tight
I don’t know what you want me to get
To understand
You whispered
Trying to calm down
I said yes
—I get that
You said "yes" I understand
—No you don’t
I said yes, which means I gave up you
I gave up the opportunity to be with you
Because I loved you
And you never saw that
You never looked past that stupid pen and pad
So I said yes to someone who would
Who would love me in all aspects
Treat with me respect
I said yes to that
You reached over and grabbed my hand
I closed my eyes
Warmth flooded in
Tears were flowing down
And I didn't have the strength
To pull away
To leave
Because you still made me feel
Something I never can feel with him
So I open my eyes and whisper in the dawning light
Tell me you love me
Say you love me too
Because I know you do
You can’t explain it
And that kills you
Because you want so badly to
You don’t understand what's happening
How you’re feeling
There’s no formula
No equation, just your heart
Not your mind, so say it
I need to hear it
Please, tell me
*Say you love me too

Do you remember when we were young?
And the world didn't seem so hard
There were these moments that felt free
Exhilarating
When the world was simple and innocent
But as we grew, I saw changes in you
That mind of yours filled with endless aspects
You believed you could fix anything
Even when we were kids—under the blistering sun
Or in the evening breeze
You had these dreams
Wrapped tight in your mind
Held close to your heart
I watched the way you gazed out
At all the landscape
The way your eyes caught the smallest movement
The littlest change
It amazed me to see you take in everything
Then you would write it all down
Figure out some way
To explain all the things that captured your mind and heart
Make known of the unknown
I was the one who wanted to play
At the end of the day
You were the one who wanted to stay in
Watch the leaves fly away
Hear the birds chirp and sing
See what made the world turn
What made you and me breathe
But there were a few times I stole you away
Took you to a place
That was real
Beyond your pen and pad
Beyond the mind engrossed with equations
Because you might have had all the answers
All the solutions to the problems
But I—I had a piece of freedom
You were always trying to figure something out
Explain how the world went round
Come up with new things, new theories to the lead the way
But I took you somewhere
Where thinking was living and breathing
Those moments under the stars
Wrapped in a cocoon of warmth
Your mind cleared
And I would see your eyes change colors
From this piercing blue
To a dull, enriched hazel
Watch your shoulders relax
And your hand would unclench
You might have tried to convince me
A thousand or million times
That work was your life
Where you felt most alive
Where the earth moved beneath you
But I knew
I knew when you felt most alive
When you were under those stars
Looking up and not figuring out all the ‘whys’
That this world here
Was the known
And the one we gazed at
The much bigger one
Was the nameless one you could not identify
An infinite world
Light years apart
But I remember being kids
When the world was simple and innocent
And we were young and careless
As the world then didn't seem so hard
And I remember when you and me felt free
When we belonged to the known
To the exhilarating

When they said you were sick
I might have been a little surprised
But I wasn't shocked
Because I had a feeling
That there might have been something wrong with you
Convincing myself it wasn't true
Yet that didn't stop the tears that kept rolling down
The ache I felt knowing now
Everything would turn completely around
Because when they told us
You denied it, claimed they made a mistake
That it was impossible
Almost in the aspect— you hadn't calculated that
Out of all the equations you had
Nothing prepared you for that
I held your hand, hoping you could tell
That it was going to be okay
That at some point, you’d know we were going to make it through
As we pulled in the driveway
She came running down those steps
And even though we had just received—it seemed—the worst news
You still picked her up and swung her around
Carrying her in the house before setting her down
I think it was better
When you were around her
Because your eyes always shined when you were with her
For that reason, I knew, we’d make it through
Granted it was tough
Because we pushed
We’d fight, yell, and scream
Then remember where we were and just stare at the other
We could have whole conversations like that
But I think what surprised me the most about the diagnose
Was neither of our reactions but it was after
There’s a moment when the world stands still
And the information gets digested
There’s a clarity of disbelief, a gnawing acceptance
With the biting and pinching reality of denial
That moment where all those emotions creep in
There’s my hand in yours
Letting you know you’re not alone
That someone is there…and with that thought
The world doesn't seem so hard
Because it’s like that place you escape to
It’s not the place that gives you peace
It’s the person you’re with when you do
You were always mine
Even when we were kids
So a night….years after
As the stars were out
The moon had spread the light around
Warmth began to settle in
Your hazel enriched eyes stared into mine
I thought there was a time when we were kids
And the world was innocent
As we grew, we changed
The world became difficult
It was hard to see through
Yet we had come so far
We had created another
A beautiful little girl—who looked a lot like you
There was a night in the full moon
When you looked at me and told me you loved me….always
And then the world seemed pretty manageable from my end
Even after you were gone and she was grown
She always knew what a great father you were
And I will love you….infinitely
I never really looked in that notebook
But I was going through some of your things
And it slipped out
I couldn't help myself
I had to know what was inside
So I started from the beginning
It went back all the way to when we were kids
But as dates changed
I saw little notes apart from the equations
My name was written a couple of times
There were these quotes you kept saying
And then I came to this one page
Where you sketched me out
Looking off into the distance
I looked at the date
It was the summer before college
Way before I visited you
And we were at that place, where we escaped
Below the picture
In your messy handwriting
Were the words, *I love you