I fear it, I fear being forgotten. Though the world isn't the best place to be I still fear oblivion. Not the "Fault In Our Stars" oblivion but oblivion as in I fear everything to stop, to stop going in circles and just freeze, but why am I? I wanted it to end but why don't I now? I've started appreciating things much more. I've noticed every little detail, The way the trees sway slightly to the beat of the wind, the way the sky looks like a painting and there are many more above. I notice things that send chills down my spine. I do not want to be forgotten and leave all my memories behind, I don't want a new generation to come by and erase all my prized possessions. I fear being forgotten.

I miss him. I miss him so **** much that it actually hurts. But that's the problem. I miss the him I fell in love with. The one who stroked my hair and brought me roses, because he knew me so well. The him that didn't mute his phone when he went to sleep just in case I needed something. The him that looked at the stars with me and told me I was prettier than them all. But he's not him anymore. Because my him was never distant or cold. He wouldn't kiss a girl with ***** soaked lips two hours after he swore up and down he would never want anyone else. He wouldn't be able to tell me I didn't matter to him. He would still love me.

I'm sorry for being broken,
I'm sorry for not being enough
I'm sorry for the blade that I am holding,
And I'm sorry for the scars covering my body.
I'm sorry for being sad
I'm sorry for trying to be what you wanted,
I'm sorry for trying.
I'm sorry for being me.
I tried to be what you wanted, but it was never enough. The demons are screaming at me to end this all, but I've tried everything, but the only way to silence them is to silence my own life. Just one last breathe, One last step and it will forever end.

I look up at the sky,
drops of rain spilling over me,
I wonder how a drop can make me feel reassured and free,
One drop of rain,
One drop of blood,
A scream of pain,
It all helps,
I'm not the only one crying now,
Something is here to hold me as I yelp for help.
I wish to be home,
Cuddled up in my blanket,
To feel like something is holding me close and never letting me go,
Where darkness surrounds me,
Where my true thoughts spill out,
Where I can express myself without being judged,
Without my demons haunting me,
At least for a little while, to get a sense of sanity.

"No" is a word I haven't come by with, "Stop" is a word that has never spilled out of my mouth thus it got too far. I should have pulled away from your hands and pulled myself upwards and away but that just turned you on more. "Why?" is a word I shall never ask too afraid of hearing the answer even though I already know. You tell me to "Be careful" and "Scream for help if someone touches you'' yet you're here right now doing things I hope not to dream of. You know I would never tell my mother as she will never believe me, after all you are my "Father" so why would you do such things? Why would you kiss my neck? grab my ***? Why would You scurry off me when you hear my mothers high heels coming up the stairs? but most importantly why have I never said no? Why have I always got so paralysed when you came near? Why have I always felt an ocean of fear pushing the air out of my lungs when I saw you and never managed to control my body?  I never asked for this. Well guess what?

For the first time

I'm

gonna

say

"no"

I'm going to take control of my body.

I dont want your skin touching mine.. I'm not an object, I'm your *daughter.

He came into my life when I was just a little girl, I was happy and young and then he changed my world. One night I was in bed and he came to say goodnight, he kissed me but lasted a little longer before he turned off the light. I was confused that night, I didn't know what to do. I lay in bed pondering what I may have done but nothing came to mind. I pushed it past me thinking it was all a mistake, but when my mom left for work it happened all again.

I thought if I said "No" it would stop but when I felt his member against me I knew I was all alone.

It's not shaking, and crying, and screaming until your throat burns. It's not tidal waves of emotions, quickly drowning you. It's not blood running down your wrists, staining your flesh red. It's not popping pills and drinking whiskey. It's laying in your bed at three in the morning, surrounded by darkness, and staring at the wall. It's the heavy feeling that settles deep in your bones, the ache in the depths of your chest. It's feeling guilty that you've stayed in bed all day-yet again-but not having the energy to get up. It's wanting to do better, to be better, but not knowing how to anymore, and your time is up.

Is it jealousy? Or is it pure insecurities?

*j.o